Chapter 5

"We will find our truth someday. It might hurt, but it is the truth. We cannot deny it forever, and that is what men are afraid of the most."

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Real Universe

Sam gave up after going to two more libraries that day. He could barely exist, and his legs felt like they were jelly. His body and mind were exhausted to the point that he could close his eyes for one second and fall asleep, but he could not let himself do that. He would not close his eyes until his brother was fine. He knew now that everything depended on Bobby and his dark but awesome books. Dean's fate was not on his hands anymore, and that didn't make him feel any better. Sam walked out of the third library like an extra of "The walking Dead", falling to the ground and staying like that for minutes, or even an hour not trying to get up.

Calling the old man was not a wise choice either, since Bobby needed peace and silence to concentrate on what he was doing.

"Hey man, if you're drunk or drugged go now. You are scaring people around here", said an 18 or 19 year old teenager with a very angry voice

Sam didn't say anything because he was right in one sense. He should be anywhere but there. He remembered saying kind of the same thing to a vey drunk guy while being in Stanford, almost getting into a fight for that. He remembered those days as the good old times, when he was "normal" and being away from his father and brother was his only real problem, besides the finals and sleepless nights sitting in the couch of his apartment with Jess by his side drinking coffee.

The hunter got up as fast as his body allowed him, holding onto things to avoid falling again.

"You're a monster Sam, a monster"

"You are not my family. You never were Sam"

"I just pretended that we were brothers to make you feel happy, makingme unhappy. That is how you pay me? Drinking demon blood? You bastard"

"You killed me Sam. I died because of you, and you were not worth it. You were just a baby. Dean could have had another sibling, you know? John and I could have been happy…"

"Your existence sucked the life out of my life. You are monster Sam, a monster! You killed mom, dad, Jessica, everyone!"

"Maybe you're right. After all… How can you escape from what's inside you? You can't run forever and you know that"

"MONSTER!"

"FREAK!"

"MONSTER!"

"YOU ARE NOT STRONG SAM, YOU ARE PATHETIC. JUST A STUPID KID THAT DOES EVERYTHING WRONG. WHEN WILL YOU SEE IT, HUH?"

Sam started to hear those voices inside his head again. Those fucking voices that he had heard when he was in the panic room detoxing from the demon blood that he had ingested, but not detoxing the demon blood that was flowing through his veins that was dark and evil.

Mary, Jess, John and many other innocent people had died because of his existence. He was so weak that could not kill himself. He was a whole new level of fail and disappointment.

He had blamed everyone, everything but him. First the life that he had as a hunter before going to Stanford, after that the blood, Ruby and now Lucifer. The truth was just in front of him, but yet he refused to see it until now.

"'m so sorry…" said in low voice, deciding that he would go to the hospital to see his brother once again, maybe calling Bobby from there if he didn't call in few hours.

AU

Dean exhaled desperate tired of seeing the worried looks all around him. He had tried to get inside Sam's dreams, but his little brother would not sleep! At first he thought that it was something that he had done, but after the fourth try everybody agreed with the latest theory. Sam was probably exhausted, but was not freaking sleeping and it was his fault.

"Dean? He'll have to sleep sometime. Don't worry. You will reach him" said Ellen with a forced smile

"It keeps getting worse Ellen. It just keeps getting fucking worse. For moments I can not remember if Sam's really alive. I don't remember a lot of my life, my real life. What if I cannot wake up and Sam just… carries all the guilt and heavy weight of my death over his shoulders? There has to be another way! I have to do something or I'll go crazy!"

"There might be other way to talk with him if he doesn't go to sleep Dean", said Ash joining the conversation

"How? Honestly I don't see another way"

"Bobby told me that you mentioned someone that you know … an angel"

"Cass? He cannot save me Ash. I need Sammy to save me. He is the only one that I trust. He does not know that because I am stupid. I can't remember what I exactly said to him anymore!", said Dean throwing an empty beer bottle to the wall, seeing how Bobby just kept his mouth shut and swept the broken pieces without looking at him.

"If he can hear you, that for a fact I know angels can, you can tell him the message that you want Sam to know. If that doesn't work you're toasted man. I am sorry, but I have no other ideas", explained Ash sincerely

"That… might be a good plan Ash. You're a genius!"

"I know, right?", said Ash with a grin

Dean told everybody that he would drive around for quite a while, not wanting anybody to listen what he was going to say. For him praying was like begging, and Dean Winchester did not beg unless it was really necessary. He would have to this time. The elder Winchester just hoped that Castiel heard him, or if when he'd be in heaven was going to kick his feathery ass.

Dean just drove, knowing where he was heading. He just needed to be there, because it was the only place where he could feel "comfortable" in a weird way.

Bobby or Ellen would not approve that, but it didn't matter. He just needed to be driving his Impala, forcing his mind to keep the memories when he and his brother had been laughing or even crying. He had a vague memory of Sam crying in an apartment, telling him that killing someone, maybe a girl was the only choice that was left. He hated to see his little brother cry, but he had actually made him cry for the first time ever when he walked out that door before being attacked. He heard him sob, but didn't do anything as usual.

"I should slap myself. I should just die…" thought to himself.

Dean knew he was there when the wheel of his beloved car got stuck in the mud. He had driven too far, and before heading back to Bobby's place would have to fix that. For now he was going to leave the car right there.

It was dark and silent. The houses were even more destroyed than the last time he had been there, and he could smell something rotten. Probably a rat's body or a human.

With his cellphone illuminated the path until he saw what he was looking for. One trail of footsteps that had once belonged to his brother, stopping when the Jake stabbed him with the knife in his back.

He practically saw himself running towards him, screaming "NOOOO" while knowing that something bad was happening, but not expecting what had actually happened. He had never expected Sam to die. He could never imagine that, even having the life that both men had.

Dean avoided Sam's footsteps trail and knelt right where he held his little brother, preventing him from falling to the muddy soil.

"I am gonna make things right. It's my job… right? I am your pain in the ass big brother, and you know it. I miss you Sam. I want you back little brother", said with tears sliding down his cheeks

"Alright Cass, if you're out there I need you to hear me out... Drag you feathery ass here, because this is urgent" started to say, looking at the stars, feeling how somehow that seemed familiar and comforting to him.

TBC…

Author's note: Hello guys! I know that I didn't update this fic sooner, and I am sorry. Let me know what you think and I will be seeing you in the next chapter.

I can't thank Y'all enough for all the support and love that I've received with this fic. I love all of you J