Chapter 8

All weighed on me. Storm break on me.

Oh brother, brother stay

Lead me through your vains, oh covered in my pain

Keep me in your way, all weighed on me

Storm break on me, all weighed on me

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Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide attempt. Read carefully

AU

Dean could hear the clock ticking away the seconds that passed by without mercy, leading him to a not wanted future without his little brother in it. He wanted to die, he wanted to be with him again.

His mind recreated the moments when he secretly tried to swallow sleeping pills or even tried shot himself, with shaky hands and his body covered in cold sweat. Whenever he tried to do that, his little brother's voice had sounded in his head, telling him to stop, to keep fighting on without him; telling him that that is what he wanted for him.

He would have wanted the very same thing if he was the one dead, but he was not the brother that Sam had known, no anymore. He was just a ghost of the man he had become. Just another human being wishing to die, regreting each breathe he was stealing from this world. He had had one job, and he had screwed it up. He had some memories that came here and there, drawing a little smile for a change.

Year 1995

San Antonio, Tx.

It seemed like the world was falling apart outside the motel room, filling with rain noise the silent room where the Winchester boys were in. John had left them a few days ago, without any sort of warning, again.

Dean was used to take care of his little brother when his father was gone, and sometimes, when his father was with them as well. It was what he had to do, what John had taught him since he was four years old. John didn't really pay attention to Sam, he didn't award him whenever he passed his exams or did something not related to the family business. He was the one that encouraged him to keep studying , to have a safer life, if it was even possible.

Dean had even changed Sam's diapers once or twice, learning from the nannies John threw them to when they were younger. He was mad, tired and very frustrated of the life he was living. He just wanted to get out and play some videogames, like the other boys did, and Sammy asking questions about EVERYTHING was not making things any easier.

"Dee" said Sam, breaking the silence

"What now, Sam?" asked the elder brother

"I was thinking... If dad hunts monsters, they can get him... They can get us too! What if a monster gets me?" asked Sam with his puppy dog eyes focused on Dean.

"I won't let that happen. Neither will dad, Sam. I will always protect you, it's my job" answered Dean, now feeling worried about what was going on inside his brother's mind.

"When I am bigger, you will not have to worry about me anymore. I will protect myself, and you will be happy too"

"What do you mean by that?" asked Dean, confused

"You would rather go hunting with dad than staying with me, Dean. I know it... A few days ago I told dad I could take care of myself, but he told me that I am too little. When I am bigger, I want you to be happy, to go out and have fun without feeling guilty because you left me behind in a motel room. I will be ok"

"That's not true, Sam. You will always be my pain in the ass little brother, doesn't matter how old you are. I will always look after you. Always, understood?" said Dean using his serious voice.

The silence came back to the motel room, as Sam fell asleep in one of the beds, and Dean switched channels, wishing for the future to go easy on his little brother.

...

At some point of his grieving, he had allowed himself to tell Jo about his feelings for her, perhaps thinking that if he did what Sammy wanted, he would fill that dark spot inside him. Truth is that the elephant in the room was still in there, and it was not coming out any time soon.

Dean got up slowly and searched for his father's journal, where he kept the pictures of his familly, his dead family. He stared at the picture of him holding baby Sam, the one picture he had rescued when he and Sam saved the family that lived in their old house. There was something he loved and hated about taking pictures. In the moment they were taken, everyone was having a good time, or wanted to keep the memory, not thinking about the moment when they would be gone, leaving a bitter remembrance that would hurt more than expected. John was dead because of him, Mary had died burning on the ceiling, and Sammy, being only twenty four years old, had been stabbed in the back, dying from blood loss.

Out of nowhere, an agonizing feeling of frustration and anger took over his body and mind, ending into bloody knuckles and a shattered bathroom mirror.

"I'm fine... I'mfineI'mfineI'mfineI'mfineI'mfineI'mfineI'mfine" said quietly with broken voice.

Two hours later, he heard someone knocking on the door. He thought about ignoring it, until he heard Jo's voice from the other side of it.

"Dean, I know you're there. Please, open the door" begged the younger hunter.

The elder Winchester did so, seeing Jo's scared face as a response when she saw the blood on his hands and the bags under his eyes.

"What happened to you? Let me help you, Dean. I am begging you, let me inside that mind of yours"

Dean sobbed without any intention of doing so, leaning his head over Jo's shoulder. It had been a long time since he had cried like that in front of her.

He could not fall that hard again. He would not support the unbearable level of pain that he had been in a few years back. It almost felt like reliving his brother's death all over again.

He was done. He was no longer trying to fight it anymore.

"Everything will be ok, Dean... Just come with me, alright? I know how to help you, believe me"

"You can't help me, Jo. No one can... Please, just go" said Dean, walking away from her.

"Dean..."

"I SAID GO, DAMMIT" yelled frustrated, wanting to hurt her, so she could leave him alone. He did not want her to see him like this. She deserved better someone than him. He was a mess, and ruining another life was not part of the plan.

The room went silent for a second, before he placed his hand on his chest. He could not breathe, and for some weird reason, he heard a man yelling at other people. Perhaps he was going crazy, but he could not pay attention to tha at the moment.

"He doesn't have a pulse. Starting CPR now!"

His senses were blocked, and his body was no longer strong enough to keep standing. Dean fell to the floor, limp as a dead man, while his chest hurt and his throat was on fire.

The last thing he saw was Sammy's face smiling at him, leading him to the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Author's note: Sorry for the long time without an update y'all.

I am having suicidal thoughts in daily bases and I cannot fight them like I would like to. Anyway, here's another chapter for you.

Enjoy ยก, and please leave me a rerview to let me know if I should keep on writing it :)