A/N: I originally wasn't going to reveal too much about Abagail's actual background, due to the fact that it's kind of depressing. Also, Abagail is probably the most self-conscious character I've ever written, and it shows, often. But I've decided that although this is a comedy, I couldn't bring myself to write this without giving her proper motive. That being said, we've hit the first episode of the first season, which means one thing and one thing only, longer chapters. And, fun fact, Stefan and Elena canonically have English together.

(Friendly reminder that Aelia Sorrio is the OC that Abagail was sent to this world to play. When I refer to her as Aelia, it means that the Goddess has taken complete control of her body, not that there's another person in there.)

Abagail dreamt for the first time in years that night. If you asked her, she'd shrug and say that she doesn't dream, and probably never will again. But underneath the surface, if you peeled back the layers that composed the Abagail of today, she'd tell you of a teenage girl – too thin for her age with a too kind heart and a too clever mind living out of a van parked outside of a Tesco. She'd tell you of her too dark tan skin and her too ugly port-wine stain that stretched across one side of her face and down her neck as if she herself were just a stain. Some sticky stuff stuck to the floor that you cover up with an ugly carpet.

Abagail woke up with a start and practically raced for a mirror because she had to see something. She almost knocked the bathroom door straight off its hinges with her new power and left it a warped mess as she yanked the towel she had haphazardly thrown over it the night before and almost cried in relief. She traced her birthmark, cool fingers traced over the red splotch as she stared at herself. Goddess be damned, a small part of her was happy that although the girl had changed her life, given her powers and usurped her from her home that she had deemed her stained face worthy of something. What that was exactly, Abagail couldn't tell you no matter how many layers you resolved to peel back.

Then, she felt the smoke. Crawling behind her skin and she started to move. She abandoned the her staring back at her in the mirror and moved through her morning routine with a practiced ease the Abagail knew she didn't possess.

Aelia had practiced this routine a thousand times before, she was dressed in minutes and left her house with what could only be described as military precision. She left the house, bag in hand and a knowing grin on her face. She felt the sun on her face and her smile grew wider, resolved to investigate a rumor concerning one Katherine Pierce and leave immediately after the fact. She remembered the woman, someone so dangerous had fallen for an immortal as kind as h-

Abagail pushed herself to the surface, breaths heavy and labored for someone who had only walked a short distance and Abagail bit her lip.

That would be a problem.

If Aelia kept rising up at random times to make her some sort of puppet for the goddess, she knew that would be more than just a simple inconvenience if it continued. Abagail kept walking, afraid of what would happen if she disappeared like that behind the driver's seat of a car, happy that she had decided to leave early in order to temporarily "vampire proof" her classroom.

Her goal was simple, make sure she had some form of wood near her at all times as well as attached to every desk for her own convenience. She didn't know much about the vampires of this new world, but she knew for a fact that she couldn't physically outclass a vampire.

Which meant that she'd need to play dirty. Good.

When she got her hands on some Vervain she planned to lace every surface she'd be in regular contact with, but until then she'd have to be half-assed in her attempts to surprise her future vampire stalker with a face full of murder.

The walk to school was relatively painless, and she'd managed to arrive an entire half-hour before the students were meant to. She was relatively satisfied with how much time she had and was about to make her merry way to her classroom when she heard it.

"I hope her teaching isn't as unsightly as that thing on h-"

Abagail made eye contact, cutting the man off mid-sentence. He was tall, much taller than her. Brown curls rested atop his head and if it weren't for the words that left his mouth, Abagail would've thought he was an average looking man who fit the role of teacher perfectly. She could tell he was fit underneath his button down and would've treated him amicably, as any college would.

She would've, she could've and she sure as hell should've. But she didn't. Instead, she bounded over to the man -William Tanner, History Teacher- and sent him a look she knew could send grown men running. She took a deep breath, attempting to control her temper as an all too familiar giggle broke through the anger that clouded her mind.

Abagail could see her perched atop a locker, hand covering her mouth as she watched the older woman below her.

"Excuse me."

The words came out with an underlying venom, and she knew that the combination of her accent and the absolute anger on her face terrified the man. But she couldn't stop. Blood pounded in her ears and that incessant giggling continued to ring through her ears.

"I would hope and pray to whatever power exists"

Said "power" wheezed from where she sitting, bent over herself in her own amusement. What an ass.

"That you treat your students with even an iota of respect"

Another wheeze, this time accompanied with a shout of the words "Yes bitch! Tear him apart!".

"Because you obviously refuse to give that courtesy to your colleagues."

Then Abagail pushed herself up out of Aelia's grasp and covered her mouth, eyes wide. Apologies swarmed her lips as she explained, with a sort of kindness that had been completely absent from her before, that it was unacceptable for a teacher in particular to show that sort of disregard for others in a learning environment.

She rushed into her classroom proper, having wasted a good 15 minutes speaking to Mr. Tanner. She rubbed her eyes and dragged her hands towards the area around her mouth, groaning as she realized that all of the singular desks placed in neat little rows were made of plastic and metal. She breathed through her nose, and instead turned around, wrote on the board and waited patiently for her students to trickle in.

Abagail turned around to face her first period, and almost screamed when she saw them. Stefan Salvatore, an actual Ripper and one of Katherine's favorite playthings, sat in the first row, staring at her with knowing eyes.

Sweet mother of fuck he's creepy.

Beside him was a girl she could've sworn was Katherine, but from the wideness of her eyes and the innocent sadness on her face, she knew the girl had to be someone else.

It took her approximately thirty seconds to realize that she was the girl with the magic face. She looked out on her classroom and had to contain her second wave of shock. Although everyone in that room held the appearance of an adult actor hired to be on a television program, they looked so young. At that moment it hit her like a ton of bricks.

These are children. And more importantly, that omnipresent, omnipotent little piece of shit expected her to let actual children fend for themselves while she was meant to be preoccupied with getting clusterfucked (both literally and figuratively) by an army of Abercrombie and Finch models turned vampires.

She mentally took down another objective.

4) Protect the innocent teenagers from vampires, perhaps starting with the one sitting in her classroom

"Okay, first things first, who did the summer reading"

Two hands went up and Abagail couldn't help but chuckle.

"Well, everyone will be happy to know that, because I think Voltaire is a bit of a pompous arse, the summer reading will count as extra credit"

She cleared her throat and practically slid across the classroom floor, moving to collect the two completed essays before continuing.

"So, a little about myself. My name is Aelia Sorrio. Yes, I know, most people hear the accent and expect me to introduce myself as Mary Poppins."

Abagail rolled her eyes in good humor before continuing.

"Most people either call me Aelia or Ms. S, I'm fine with any variation of my name as long as it's not disrespectful."

She hummed, considering her next words.

"I'll be your English teacher for the rest of the year. And before you ask, you're more than welcome to poke fun at my accent. In fact, I think it's hilarious."

She moved to continue on with her lecture when she felt her body move on its own. Aelia reached for the marker that rested in front of the board and began writing down a number Abagail didn't recognize.

"And before I forget, my email, unfortunately, doesn't work, and I can't figure out how to log into the email the school provided me with at home. That being said, this is the number to my cell phone."

Aelia paused smiling, "And I just happen to have acquired your numbers from the data the school has on you, so any sort of prank calls will be completely unacceptable."

Aelia knew that the last statement was a bluff, but couldn't help but smile at the disappointment written on some of their faces. Abagail once again pushed her way out of the fog that clouded her mind and instead moved to erase the number of the board. Only to find that she physically couldn't.

She rolled her eyes at the goddess's tactlessness before moving on to begin her first proper lecture of the school year.

The bell rang, and before Stefan could approach her two boys who sat in the back row of her classroom swarmed her desk. She was thankful for the quick save until she looked up and saw their eyes were glassed over just like the movers were the day before.

They told her about a bonfire party the next day, and how it was usually a back to school thing for students only, that she was young enough that she should go. Abagail sighed and was about to lecture them on professionalism and how "no teacher in their right mind would even consider the offer" until she found her lips unable to form the words.

The goddess forced her hand, and Aelia nodded with a smile and offered one of the boys a post-it note so that she would have the time and address of the party. One of the two scribbled it down quickly, and with that, the class was over.

It was the end of the day, and although Abagail ran into no more vampires, she was about ready to stake whoever thought it was a good idea to give teachers so much work. Especially fake teachers who have more important things to do with their time, like avoid getting murdered by vampires.

She walked to her new home and picked up the newspaper left at her front door before walking inside. Her eyes widened as she read the headline, and proceeded to read about how a young couple was killed in an "animal attack". But the couple was already dead and gone, so she locked her door and sat down to grade summer reading assignments until it was time for her to go to sleep.

The next day experienced the same lack of fanfare that her night alone did and besides Stefan's creepy "romance novel" stare, nothing was out of the ordinary.

Okay, one thing was out of the ordinary. The two boys who invited her to the bonfire weren't in school.

And after a quick look at her roster, she found that there were no students missing from her class on neither the first nor second day of school. Which meant one of two things,

1) Neither of them existed in the first place or more unlikely

2) The same psychopath goddess that came after her kidnapped them and they were sent home after fulfilling their roles in the story

Abagail tried to resist Aelia's pull, but no matter how hard she pushed against her, Abagail somehow ended up in the middle of the town's prime source of general teenage debauchery. She worked hard at avoiding prying eyes as she worked her way through the crowd until she saw something from the corner of her eye.

One of her students, Victoria Donovan if she remembered correctly, escaped the grasp of a boy she didn't recognize before running off into the woods. Alone. In the middle of the night. When there were wild "animal" (read: vampire) attacks happening nearly every day.

Oh. Hell. No

Abagail had never moved so fast in her life, diving and weaving through the crowd until she was free to sprint through the wood after the teenager. She found her, pinned up against a tree by a man dressed in all black an-

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Her voice rang through the wood as she placed a hand on the tree next to her. She extended its branches to reach forward and practically yank the man off of the younger girl. Only to come face to face with another of Katherine's "lovers" - Katherine herself called them a number of things in her letters, but Abagail thought it would be more civil to refer to them as lovers in order to avoid getting murdered – Damon Salvatore.

"Aelia"

He looked at her with shocked blue eyes and pinned her down with a gaze that she could only describe as tender. Abagail internally cursed her bleeding heart and bit her lip, staring down at her blouse. This was a gamble if she'd ever seen one. But Victoria was a teenager and Abagail was a proper adult with a part to play and students to protect.

"If you promise to compel her to just forget about all of this, I'll let you go and we can talk."

Damon raised his eyebrows, challenging her instead.

"I always knew you were one to sing Kumbaya, Honey, but this is a bit much"

"I could also rip out your heart and feed it to the squirrels, but I thought it was best to offer a peaceful alternate first,"

At this, Damon let out a groan that sounded too much like a petulant child to come out of a grown man, and practically whined "But I'm hungry, and she looks just good enough to eat"

Abagail stared at the teenager, still leaning against the tree Damon had pinned her to, and grit her teeth. Aelia lifted her head and looked him straight in the eyes, before tilting her head. She moved her hair out of the way and left her neck perfectly exposed for him.

"Fine." The word came out clipped and she closed her eyes for second before tilting her head back up. The words hadn't left her mouth, and if it weren't for Aelia stopping her, she would've gladly used the tree to rip Damon in two.

"No more of this pseudo-pedophile shit, she hasn't even graduated high school yet. If you're really that hungry then you can feed on me. Deal?"

Damon smiled, and although the letters had said he loved Aelia as much as he loved Katherine, the look in blue eyes made Abagail's stomach turn.

"Deal."

Shit, meet fan.