If We Had Hearts
Chapter 12: Secrets among Friends
~Day 225~
Xion was going crazy. It was bad enough there was this whole gender confliction inside her...but now with the dreams and hallucinations adding to it Xion began to question her own identity. Was she male? Female? Who was she before she'd become a nobody and gained these powers? What was her connection to Roxas? To the people she saw in her head? Why did her chest flutter and ache whenever she thought of Axel and Roxas together?
The first memories she had as a nobody were all of Roxas. Going on missions with her, watching her smile, admiring how she wielded the keyblade, the way she spoke, walked, laughed, everything. Xion thought she admired Roxas because they were more than just friends, and that their bond was special...at least to her it was. Roxas had a special connection with Axel and that was what she wanted, but never had Xion considered just taking what Roxas had for her own. Yet... somehow… the words she'd spoken to Axel had just slipped out of her.
The stress of it all, the sudden flashes and images racing through her mind made her feel stiff and uneasy. She'd known Roxas would worry, was happy Axel seemed to be as well… but she hadn't expected Axel to just ignore what had happened between them. He didn't even tell Roxas what she had said… or if he did neither of them were put off by it. Axel even suggested they all go to the beach together. She admitted it sounded fun but…
"Wouldn't you guys prefer to go without me?"
"What are you talking about? You're our friend and this is a vacation with friends! We're all going."
"Oh…" Xion eyed Axel who just shrugged and grinned. There was something in his eyes that told her he was still wary where she was concerned...but Roxas' energetic smile and excitement balanced out the unease. "Okay, let's all go together."
Roxas beamed and began to chatter excitedly. Over her head Axel watched Xion's face and narrowed his eyes on her. It was that look that confirmed he hadn't forgotten what she'd said. Now Xion understood. He'd keep a close eye on her, do his best to stay friendly for Roxas' sake and ease the tension they had with each other.
...but he no longer trusted her.
Xion agreed to go with them… in truth she really wanted to. She needed to rekindle Axel's trust in her, needed to cling to the friendship that had kept her sane through the difficult times. She just wanted to ignore what was happening inside of her and just simply be their friend... but the dreams wouldn't stop, the voices wouldn't silence, and the visions weren't going away.
Xion truly felt like she was going crazy. She needed answers, needed to understand what was going on inside her, what the truth of her origins were. Who had she been in the past? Why was she seeing all these images? Who was Sora?
The higher ups had answers and weren't telling her for whatever reason. If they weren't going to tell her she'd find out on her own. The organization had records, good ones, she'd just have to poke around until she found what she was looking for.
She'd get in trouble for it she knew… but at this rate she wouldn't be able to concentrate on her job and her friendship would fall apart. She'd nearly bungled her last mission because her focus had been on other things, and Axel was already suspicious of her actions. So she'd risk further implication, risk what she had left to get those answers.
Her fingers worked lightning fast on the Oragnization's main computer, searching through files on various events and data… and when she finally found what she was looking for… she let out a small gasp.
"This is…"
~Day 254~
Axel hated Castle Oblivion. Why Saix, and whoever was pulling his strings, decided he was the best candidate to deal with this particular facility was a mystery to him. There were so many rooms, so many ways to get lost, and go crazy from it.
Oh well… a job was a job, and he needed the distraction. Roxas had been plagued by work, Saix giving her extra missions for her erratic behavior and disobedience. It kept her busy, and tired, and frankly Axel was glad for it. Xion's odd behavior was making Roxas uneasy, and work was the perfect way to keep her mind occupied.
Still he hated seeing the sad look on her face whenever Xion didn't show up for ice cream, or when the girl seemed distant and off. If Roxas knew the truth about Xion's origins, her purpose, it would teeter her off the edge. He had to prevent that. He'd find a way to get Xion back to her old self, to keep their friendship from falling apart.
He stepped out the door after packing away the boxes, and let out a choke gasp when he spotted Xion at the door. She was clutching her head, her eyes shut tightly and her teeth clenched.
"My head… hurts…" Xion went to her knees, the vision in her mind so fresh and clear it left her shaken.
"Xion..."
"Axel?" Xion looked up from her place on the floor. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just here on orders, that's all." He explained, his eyes focused on her face, his lips in a forced smile. "There's nothing for you to see here."
"Lies!" She said voice desperate and breath panting out. "This is the place I come from, I just know it!"
"What about your mission?" Axel asked, the smile fading as he walked to her. "Don't be selfish."
"Or what? They'll turn me into a dusk?" Xion said with venom in her voice.
"No… they'll just destroy you." He crouched and held out his hand for hers. She ignored it, standing on her own and turning her nose up at him.
"Is that because I'm useless?"
"That's not it…" though he wish it were. At least then he'd have no reason for animosity towards her. His loyalties were split into three. He knew what the organization wanted from her, knew that Roxas valued her as a friend, and Axel respected Xion for her natural curiosity and need of answers. Still… he had to do what was best. When Xion tried to step around him he grabbed her arm.
"Xion… please… go home." He asked her gently. Xion turned around, those big blue eyes reminding him so much of Roxas that there was a little ache in his chest. He let out a small breath to ease it, but it didn't stop the tension.
"I'm remembering things…" she told him. "I'm remembering things back from when I was a human."
"Well stop remembering, because nothing good will come of it." He started to tell her, gave her arm a little pull but she yanked free and whirled on him.
"I have dreams every night… and you're in those dreams, Axel!"
Axel's eyes widened. She was seeing Sora's most recent memories, the memories of Castle Oblivion.
"Xion that's not-" He shook his head. "If I'm in your dreams then they sure aren't memories. How could I be a part of your past? They're just dreams. That's all."
"You can't fool me!" Xion accused and grabbed his hands. "We've met before! Right here in this castle!"
"No we have not." He took her shoulders leaning down and staring her in the eye. He needed to make her listen, needed to make her understand how dangerous this territory was. He pressed a small kiss to her forehead, felt the tension rise in her. "Let's go home, Xion."
"Axel…" Tears started to well up as the emotions welled up inside Xion and made her heart want to burst. He did care for her… Axel cared for her. She tilted her face up, wanting him to kiss her more… to feel his lips on hers.
"Come on…" Axel pulled back just out of reach and had Xion letting out a shaky breath. "Don't keep Roxas waiting."
What? Xion shook a little and her teeth clenched again. WHAT!?
"Roxas, Roxas, ROXAS!" She took Axel's wrists clamping her fingers down into it. Xion's eyes went hot and defiant and she ripped away from him and ran to the doors.
"Stop! Stay out of there Xion!" Axel made a grab for her but she was already running for the doors. He ran after her… but by the time he reached her she'd already pried the doors open and stepped inside.
Xion looked around, memories filling her. As she desperately searched what was inside, what she found just ended up upsetting and confusing her.
"What? What is… this? You mean that wasn't who I am?"
~Day 255~
Roxas had spent the day on an mission that had more or less confused and frustrated her. Luxord accompanied her to a place known as wonderland where they shrunk, grew, battled heartless of varying degrees, and tried to clue together riddles spoken from a purple striped cat. Needless to say… it had been a tiring day.
She sighed heavily leaning forward with her ice cream in hand and watching the sunset. Neither of her friends had joined her yet, but she was hopeful. Xion had been acting strangely, but that hadn't stopped her friend from coming now and again, even for a brief moment. She saw Axel everyday, and the times when Xion didn't show they'd cuddle together, kiss, and just enjoy each other's company.
Love was so strange and wonderful, Roxas thought. Though they didn't have hearts, Roxas knew Love was exactly what she was experiencing with Axel. There was just no other way to describe this warm and fulfilling sensation whenever they were together.
"You're here early…" she heard him speak and just filled her with such… delight.
"No you're just late." She teased and sent him a flirtatious smile. He sat beside her, pulling her into the crook of his arm. She cuddled in there nuzzling under his chin. For a blissful fifteen minutes they just relaxed there, watching the sunset and eating their ice cream.
"Mmmm… today makes 255."
"What's that about?" Axel asked curiously
"That's how many days it's been since I've joined the organization." She told him… but it was also the amount of days it had been since they'd first met. "Wow, time flies."
"So, you've got the number memorized, huh?" Axel teased and chewed on his popsicle stick. Unlike Roxas who took her time eating the ice cream Axel always devoured his.
"Yeah… gotta hang onto something right?" She sat upright. "It's not like I have any memories before I joined the organization." She looked at him smiling warmly. "Here and now is what's important to me."
"Here and now, then." Axel agreed, taking her chin and pressing his lips to hers. When the kiss broke they smiled at each other and turned eyes back to the setting sun. "Hey Roxas, bet you don't know why the sun sets red."
"Hmmm?" Roxas cocked a curious eyebrow.
"Light is made up of all different colors, but red travels the farthest."
"Heh, know it all." She murmured and elbowed him playfully. The two laughed over the small joke… but as it died down Roxas' smile fell. She glanced over to her left sighing. "Seriously, where is she?"
Axel frowned.
"She's probably not coming. It's not like there's not other things she could be doing."
"I guess you're right but… she's been acting so strangely. I'm worried." Roxas looked down at her melting ice cream and quickly finished it. "I was hoping I could get her to talk to me… tell me what's been on her mind."
"When Xion's ready to talk she will." Axel stood and took Roxas' hand. "Come on, let's go back."
"You go ahead… I want to wait for her just a little longer." Roxas pulled her legs up to her chest and rested her chin there.
Axel pulled his hand back and he cast his eyes to the heavens. Damn that Xion… she just had to go and mess everything up.
~Day 256~
Roxas had waited until nearly nightfall before giving up. She went to Xion's room, knocked, but no on answered. It could be she was tired and had gone to sleep early, or it could be she was training downstairs, or had yet to return from a recon mission. Either way Roxas just returned to her room, and for the first time in days slept in her own room and bed without Axel.
Something was off, Roxas sensed, and not just with Xion but Axel as well. It was as if both of them were hiding something from her… and it made her uneasy. The following morning, she found she was right to be uneasy.
"Xion is gone." The superior announced after calling together the remaining organization members.
"What?!" Roxas looked up with wide eyes, her chest going heavy as the worry returned. "Why?"
"She's your friend," Saix said with animosity. "You tell us."
Roxas scowled at him, her fingers clenched together.
"Whoa wait, so she like seriously flew the coop?" Demyx asked, lounged back carelessly in his seat.
"How preposterous… what would drive her to choose her own demise?" Xaldin sneered.
Demise? Roxas jerked her head upward at Xaldin. She continued to listen to the meeting, her head racing with thoughts and the pressure in her chest increasing.
"No one is to go looking for Xion without my permission." The Superior proclaimed and had Roxas sitting upright in her seat.
"What? Why Not?"
"Your so called friend will be left alone… or would you prefer we find suitable punishment?"
"Grrr…" Roxas snarled in Saix's direction. "I would PREFER we find her and bring her back!"
"Why would we do that?" Saix continued in a careless, drawl tone. Roxas' fury sparked and before she knew what she was doing Roxas was standing in her seat, weapon unleashed.
"Because despite what YOU think of her, she's a valued member of the organization! She's one of the keyblade's chosen, or have you forgotten that you arrogant bastard!"
"Arrogance is a symbol of pride and vanity which I have none so your statement is invalid. Lord Xemnas has spoken, put your weapon away and obey… or face your end." He told her, not bothering to even look her in the eye.
"Roxas…" Axel eyed her from across the room and waved his hand down. "Let it go."
Roxas narrowed her eyes on Axel then let her keyblade vanish before sitting back down. After the meeting had finished her and Axel walked side by side together, her blood still boiling.
"I wish you wouldn't have stopped me."
"You'd prefer to get punished? You won't be able to look for Xion if your non-existence is eradicated."
"That's not… wait what did you say?" Roxas paused and looked up at him.
"I said you won't be able to-"
"No, no, i heard that, I just…" she shook her head and then went into his arms. "What about our orders?"
"Orders Schmorders... Just give me some time to find some clues. I'll figure out where we can go look for her, and then you and I will bring her home. Okay?" He gave her a small smile and felt relief when Roxas' bloomed on her face.
"You promise?" Roxas asked hopeful.
"I promise." Axel pulled her in and held her tightly to his chest. He didn't want her to see that his face had gone hard and determined. He'd find Xion alright… but whether or not they'd bring her home in one piece was another story.
~Day 277~
This place never changed… Riku thought as he looked out at Destiny Islands. He was glad the little island seemed desolate. None of their friends had come in the time they'd been gone, probably busy with school or other activities. The quiet allowed him to enjoy the peaceful scenery… even as he had his objective sprawled out on the ground at his feet.
Xion lay collapsed on the stone, the memories and illusions inside her spiraling out of control making her lose sense of herself, and of her surroundings. He knelt down stroking a hand over the face that was so much like Sora's.
"Who am I?" He heard her murmur pained. "What am I here for?"
Riku sighed and glanced up. He saw a figure disappear into a black cloud and for a moment his heart twisted thinking it was Sora.
"Not quite…" He told himself with a sigh. Looking down at Xion he remembered Namine's words and shook his head. "… just her nobody."
~In Xion's Mind~
Axel… Roxas…
I finally know the truth about myself… or at least enough to know I'm not meant to exist. My fate is tied with Sora, but how it's tied I'm still not sure. How did this happen? How did it all just spin out of control?
All I ever wanted was to have fun, eat ice cream and be with my friends. I want to go to the beach, watch sunsets, and just laugh. I want a special bond like the two of you have with each other that's pure and comforting.
I want… I want to be like you, Roxas.
Despite not having a heart you have such joy, and cheerfulness inside you. You have kindness, and courage, and a hunger for life. You truly cherish the days you spend with us… whilst I waste them worrying over who I am and what my purpose is.
How do I become my own person?
How do I become like you?
~Ask Briry~
Briry: We're getting down to the nitty gritty. I really hope you all are enjoying the emotional roller coaster. I spent several days replaying 358/5 days to prepare for what's happening next so *rubs hands together* Get ready!
Next Chapter: Betrayal
