All things considered, Emily was content with the progress that she was making with Paige. She wouldn't exactly have described herself as "pleased;" she definitely would have liked for things to be moving faster. But things seemed to be moving in the right direction. Paige seemed to be more comfortable with the fact that they were friends, and, more and more, they were able to talk and joke around with each other the way they used to back in Rosewood.
They had fallen into a routine, working out together three days a week – Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays – with an occasional Saturday thrown in there. Even though the routine was set, Paige still texted Emily every Sunday afternoon to confirm that they were meeting on Monday. Emily liked getting a text from Paige every week, especially once Paige began including a cheesy, inspirational quote with each week's text. The quotes were always stale, worn-out clichés that sounded like something that a second-rate coach might tell his team, thinking that she was motivating them: "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right," or "If it were easy, everyone would be doing it," or "It's your attitude, not your aptitude that determines your altitude." Emily was only half-convinced that Paige was sending them as a joke. Part of her wondered whether Paige was genuinely trying to use them get her pumped for their Monday morning workout.
But, whatever the reason, the clichés gave her a laugh on a Sunday afternoon, and that wasn't a bad way to get her week started. There were worse ways to mark the beginning of a week than with a text from the woman she (still) loved.
Paige, too, looked forward to their workout sessions. It was nice just to have something to look forward to; a friend to look forward to spending time with. Even though moving to Iowa had been the right decision, it was still hard for Paige to be so far from home, friends, and family. Reconnecting with Emily brought a little of that back to her; a little bit of home. Not that Emily was Paige's home. Paige would never have admitted such a thing – not to herself, and certainly not to Emily.
Saturday afternoon workouts came to mean coffee or brunch together afterwards. It gave them a chance to talk; something they didn't really have when they were working out. And it was also a chance not to talk; just to be together. There were times when it felt like the good old days; times when it felt as if the walls between them had been knocked down. Even - or especially - in the quiet times. There wasn't that pressure to fill every moment with words; they could just be present with each other without the fear that a moment of silence meant that something was wrong.
Still, despite their progress, Emily felt that some barriers were still there; that Paige had fenced off the area around her heart, and would only let her get so close to it. It was frustrating, but nothing worth fighting for was ever easy.
"Emily!"
Emily was checking her texts outside the locker room when she heard Paige's muffled, urgent cry from inside.
"Paige?"
"Help!"
Emily rushed into the locker room and burst out laughing. "Oh my God - let me get a picture!"
"Don't you dare!"
"All right, all right," Emily said, moving towards the bench where Paige was seated. "I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Sheesh, calm down, Paige!"
Paige was in boxer shorts and halfway into her hoodie, where she'd gotten stuck. Her left arm was in the air, her right arm was on top of her head, and her hoodie was covering her face, the bottom falling somewhere between where her bra stopped and her navel.
She mumbled something unintelligible, but definitely not calm.
"Paige, seriously," Emily pleaded, "I can't get you unstuck if you don't calm down."
Paige, desperate to get out of the predicament, relaxed her left arm, letting it fall to her side. Her right arm was still stuck on top of her head.
"Okay, so..." Emily reached for the hoodie, not sure how to proceed. Paige writhed impatiently, only making it worse. "Hold still!" Emily yelled, smacking Paige on the shoulder. "God! What did I tell you about trying to get dressed when you're..."
Rushing. Emily didn't say the word. Paige was already embarrassed and vulnerable. Emily didn't want to bring up the other time that Paige had gotten stuck while trying to pull her clothes on in a hurry. They had been "studying" on Paige's bed when they heard the front door open - and heard Nick McCullers start to make his deliberate way up the stairs.
"Don't rush!" Emily whispered urgently. "Just stay calm!"
But Paige was already three degrees beyond calm, well into panic-mode. They would have had plenty of time to get dressed had she not rushed, but, by rushing, Paige had gotten herself stuck, her body half in her Rosewood Swimming sweater. Emily moved silently over to the door to shut it. She knew that they'd get in trouble for having the door closed, but it would be even worse if Nick heard her run to close it as soon as he started up the stairs. She needed the door closed for the precious few seconds that a closed-door would buy them.
As soon as Nick rounded the corner, they heard his booming voice. "DOOR!"
Emily shuffled her feet, to make it sound as if she were moving toward the door to open it, while she was frantically trying to contort Paige's arms to get the sweater on the rest of the way on her. Once it was in place, Paige strode over to the door. As soon as she grabbed the door knob, she felt her father twisting it from the other side.
It wasn't funny at the time, but they did get a lot of laughs about it afterwards. Emily knew that Paige wouldn't find it funny to be reminded of it as she sat there, half-dressed in the locker room.
"... when you're impatient?"
Paige grunted out of frustration and tried to force her elbow through the sleeve. Emily heard the seams pop. "Paige! Just..." Emily groaned. It was like trying to get a toddler dressed. "Just hold still and let me help you."
Paige let out an annoyed sigh, but she went limp long enough for Emily to maneuver the hoodie over her head. Paige closed her eyes and took a deep breath of air. She opened her eyes with a gasp, as if she hadn't realized how close Emily had been sitting to her (although, of course, Emily had to be close, to get the hoodie off). She jerked the hoodie out of Emily's hands and covered herself with it as best as she could. She hadn't jerked it away in anger; she was just desperate to cover herself. Still, Emily was wounded by the gesture. Paige had never had qualms about being in he locker room in her boxers and sports bra with any of the girls on their high school swim team, but she was covering herself as if she didn't trust Emily to see her half-dressed.
Emily stood up quickly and turned her back to Paige. Paige could read the hurt in Emily's body language. "I'll give you your privacy," Emily said curtly, and started to leave.
Paige realized how bad it must have looked. She wasn't upset that Emily had seen her like that. She was just embarrassed, and just for a moment. "Em...ily," she said weakly.
Emily stopped, but she didn't turn around. "Yeah?"
Paige walked up and took a step toward her. "Thank you," she said sincerely.
Emily, still facing away from Paige, nodded. "I'll see you outside."
We are who we are when we're at our worst. Emily couldn't remember where she'd heard that, but she believed it. She knew that she had been horrible to Paige, at times; times when she was angry or indignant or resentful. Still, it hurt to see Paige, stressed and frustrated, no longer politely hiding her true feelings.
Emily began searching for an apartment in earnest shortly after that. It was obvious that her dream scenario of moving directly from the temporary on-campus housing into Paige's apartment (or an apartment that they found together) wasn't going to come true.
On moving day, the swim team (and some of their boyfriends) helped her move most of the bulky stuff. There were only a couple of suitcases and some boxes that needed to be shuttled over to her new place before she returned the keys to the old place to the administration office and completed her move. Paige volunteered to help with those.
Emily didn't really need the help, but, in a certain sense, she felt that Paige needed to help. It wasn't in Paige's nature to let work happen without being a part of it. Emily had actually had a hard time keeping Paige from showing up on the main moving day with the swim team.
Emily also felt that their relationship needed the help. They used to have fun doing things - anything - together, but, in Iowa, she really only saw Paige in the gym.
Even though there wasn't a lot left to move, it felt as if they'd been in the gym all morning by the time they were finished. When Paige stepped out to take an admiring look at the view from Emily's balcony, Emily came up behind her and handed her a beer. A beer - that was something different from their days in Rosewood. Paige chuckled shyly, raising the bottle in thanks.
Emily smiled sweetly and rubbed Paige's back in a quick massage of thanks. "How about I get a pizza?" She turned back towards the living room, and Paige followed, stopping at the couch while Emily went to find her phone and place the order. She noticed that Paige was sitting up straight on the couch, not letting her sweat-soaked shirt touch the couch, so she came back with a towel and handed it to her. "I worked you hard today," she said apologetically.
"I'm just lucky you're not my swim coach," Paige said, trying to make a joke.
Things got a little awkward while they waited for the pizza. Paige seemed a bit uncomfortable alone with Emily in Emily's apartment. Emily got up and got the remote for the TV and turned it on. She sat next to Paige on the couch, with her right leg - the one closed to Paige - bent at the knee, resting on the couch cushions, and her left arm, bent at the elbow, sitting on the back of the couch. It was a more relaxed position, and she hoped that it would help Paige to relax. She was switching through Netflix menus with her right hand and occasionally running her left hand through her hair.
"I can mount that for you." Emily turned from the Netflix options and looked at Paige, confused. Paige tipped her chin towards the TV, which was sitting on top of a stack of boxes. "I can mount it on the wall, if you want."
"No!" Emily exclaimed emphatically, then stopped to explain. "I'm not supposed to put any holes in the walls."
"Oh... Oh, right!"
Emily could see the wheels turning in Paige's head. She knew that Paige wasn't going to be satisfied until she'd solved this problem. "I still have to pick up some furniture," she told her. "I'll just get a cheap TV stand to put it on."
"Oh, okay." Paige seemed a bit disappointed. "Well, if you need any help putting it together..."
Emily smiled, shaking her head. "I appreciate that," she said.
When the pizza arrived, things got less weird between them. It helped that Emily gave up on trying to find a movie to watch and found a college basketball game. Shortly after the pizza arrived, Paige reached for the remote and muted the TV, still monitoring the game, but without the sound of the play-by-play to interrupt their conversation.
At around her third piece of the 12-slice pie, Emily noticed that Paige had gone quiet, so she looked up to see what was going on. Paige was staring at her with a patronizing smile, silently judging the way that she was eating her pizza. Emily was holding her slice of pizza with the thumb and index finger of her right hand, picking off pepperonis with the thumb and middle finger of her left hand and popping them into her mouth. The other fingers on both hands were pointed skywards. Emily, embarrassed at her dainty way of doing it, smiled shyly and avoided Paige's eyes for a split second before she remembered that this wasn't some first date; this was Paige, the woman who knew her habits inside and out and had seen her pick thousands of pepperoni slices off of her pizza.
Emily realized that she hadn't eaten pizza that way in years. Not since her freshman year in college. Pepperdine was a different world, and, for the first time since she had to come to terms with being outed in high school, Emily had worried about fitting in. So, subtly, slowly, she began suppressing some things. It was never the big things; she didn't try to hide who she was. She just didn't want to be teased over the little things, like the way she ate pizza.
The fact that she had lapsed back into the old pepperoni ritual was a sign that she was coming back to herself again. She rolled her eyes, knowing that Paige was going to tease her for it.
"Got something to say, McCullers?" she said sternly, trying not to break the façade by smiling.
Paige flew into a conciliatory position, throwing her hands up in the air and widening her eyes. The only person who ever called her "McCullers" was Coach Fulton - and whenever Coach called her that, Paige knew that she was in trouble.
"I didn't think so!" Emily smiled coyly at Paige's silence and popped another pepperoni into her mouth, with a wink to let Paige know that she was fooling around. Back in high school, she would've squeezed Paige's hand to make that point, but, given their current situation, she didn't want to push it.
Still feeling a bit self-conscious, and wanting to avoid another long silence, Emily spoke up without thinking. "Are you seeing anyone?" She didn't know why she asked it. It was one of those stock conversation-filling questions, but it really didn't seem an appropriate question for the two of them, given their history. Not to mention that she was pretty sure that, if Paige had been dating, she would have known about it.
Paige was only slightly caught off guard, but she didn't let it show. "Why," she asked wryly, "do you know someone?"
She meant it as a joke, but she regretted the words as soon she said them. She knew why Emily had moved to Iowa, and she had already shut that down. There was no reason to rub it in.
Emily took it in stride, though. "I'm new in town," she said with a shrug of her shoulders. "Remember?"
Paige smiled back and nodded. Well, I'm sure you won't be single for long.
Paige was really glad that she'd caught herself before she said those words, even though she knew that they were true. Emily never had trouble finding female companionship. It was amazing to Paige how casually Emily could start up relationships - and how quickly she could move on from them. It made it hard for Paige to think that there had ever been anything special about the relationship they had. Certainly, their time together had been special to her, but, to Emily, she must've seemed like just another stop on the road.
That line of thinking wasn't getting her anywhere. And it wasn't worth dwelling on. Emily was her friend; that was all. Friends can ask friends those kind of questions. "No," she said, without elaborating. Emily scrunched her eyebrows, confused, having almost lost the thread of the conversation. "No, I'm not seeing anyone," Paige elaborated. She looked Emily in the eyes, but those eyes gave nothing away. "I don't know whether I'm just not in a place where I'm ready for a relationship or..."
Paige trailed off, so Emily followed up. "Or?"
Paige took a deep breath. She wasn't going to say what she was thinking - or I'm not totally over my ex yet - so she improvised. "Or, I just haven't found the right someone."
"Hmm." Emily tried to strike a supportive tone, all the while wondering why she wasn't good enough to be the right person. Actually, she knew the answer to that question. She would just have to change Paige's mind.
Paige heard footsteps picking up the pace behind her, trying to catch up, but she didn't slow down or turn around. It was too cold and miserable and wet. And she was getting drenched. Her hair was soaked, and she couldn't even brush it away from her face, since she had her arms wrapped around herself, trying to keep the body-heat in.
She really hated the rain.
"Hey!" All of a sudden, Paige found herself under an umbrella. She ducked slightly, to make room for her benefactor. "So, I see you still have that thing about umbrellas," Emily teased.
Paige rolled her eyes underneath her soggy hair. "Yeah, well, last time I checked, I was waterproof," She deadpanned.
She was annoyed at the rain, not Emily, but Emily was an easier target.
"Ha ha," Emily deadpanned back. "Well, waterproof didn't really help you that night when you wiped out on that slippery, rainy, road, did it?"
Paige dipped her head, still embarrassed over the events of that night. "Well," she said defensively, "an umbrella wouldn't have helped me either."
"I suppose not," Emily conceded.
Emily had thought, at the time, that Paige's accident was an act of self-sabotage. She saw it as Paige's way of taking herself out of the running for team captain, either rebelling against her father and all the pressure that he was putting on her, or out of self-loathing – subconsciously deciding that she didn't deserve the position, given what a horrible person she was (in her eyes). But, as she got to know Paige better, Emily began to recognize that pattern of behavior: Paige sacrificing herself in order to put Emily first. The ultimate example of that behavior was the note about Alison that Paige left for the Rosewood Police, choosing to try to protect Emily even though she knew that she would be sacrificing their relationship if she got caught.
"Just let somebody take care of you for once in your life," Emily said, impatiently. Paige tried to glare at Emily, but the rain and her droopy hair made it impossible. "You don't always have to be the martyr!"
Paige shook her head dismissively, but, in the end, she moved closer to Emily, fully under the protection of her umbrella.
"See?" Emily crowed with a triumphant smile. "Isn't this better?"
"Yeah." Paige hated to admit it, but it did feel good; not just the protection from the rain, but having someone take care of her. Having Emily take care of her.
Paige stripped off her wet clothes and took a long, hot shower after Emily dropped her off at her door. She had a lot to think about.
She had been very clear where she and Emily stood, and yet Emily was still there. If all they could be was friends, Emily, apparently, was still down for that.
It seemed that the tables had turned since high school. Back in high school, the time when Emily told her that what she needed was a friend, and the time when she declared that they had been teammates and that, perhaps, they could be friends in the future, Paige had stuck with it. In her heart, she clung to the belief that they were destined to be more than friends someday.
But somewhere along the way, that belief had gotten derailed.
Back in high school, Paige wasn't worried about Emily's disbelief. She knew that her belief was strong enough for both of them. Evidently, in Iowa, after Paige had stopped believing, Emily had decided to take the burden upon herself.
batcave5150 _ paige mccullers! i had a feeling you were going to track me down.
Paige knew that she wouldn't be able to reach Caleb by phone. He never kept the same number for more than a couple of months. But she counted on the fact that he wouldn't stop monitoring his "emergency channel" – the old direct messaging account that he'd set up in high school; the backchannel that they'd used to communicate when they were both trying to keep their girlfriends safe.
dolphin_shark _yeah. i could use a little help.
batcave5150_ that's what i'm here for. you know me.
dolphin_shark_ thx. i guess i really just need to talk things through.
They had done a lot of talking things through back in Rosewood – about Emily, about Hanna, about being on the fringes of a town that wasn't really made for people like them. And, on a lonely night in Iowa, when Paige was up way too late thinking about everything, talking things through with Caleb seemed like a pretty good idea.
She was startled for a moment when her phone rang, even though she wasn't surprised that Caleb would call. Whether he knew that she was still using the same number or whether he tracked it down using his own methods, she knew that he wouldn't have to ask her for it. She smiled as she picked up her phone and saw that the call was from a blocked number. Some things never change. At least it wasn't creepy, like the blocked-number calls in Rosewood.
"Caleb?"
"Let me guess: This isn't about a problem with your WiFi signal."
Paige sighed. "No, it's not."
"Emily?"
"I mean, I moved halfway across the country to get some space from her, and – boom – all of a sudden, I'm right back where we left off in high school."
"Mmm," Caleb said contemplatively. "But you're not, really, are you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Things are different. You're different. She's different. The situation's different."
"I don't know. I just see us falling back into those same old patterns, you know?"
"So, Rosewood wasn't the problem?"
Paige let out a long sigh. "It was part of the problem, I suppose, but…"
"Because, when you guys were in Rosewood, you used to say you wished you could get away from there, just the two of you, and take a shot at things without all the craziness of the town, and without all the interference of the people."
"I guess it's just not as simple as that."
"Why not?"
"Well, because, she's still Emily, and I'm still Paige. You can eliminate every other variable, but we're still the same people."
"You can't tell me that you're the same when you don't have Nick McCullers breathing down your neck."
"No," Paige half-whined, drawing out the syllable.
"And you know Emily's not the same when..."
"Yeah, but…" Paige cut him off before he could say the name.
"But what?"
"I guess I'd just like to think that, just once, Emily would choose me other than by default, you know? That, even if... she were still in the picture, I'd still have a shot."
"What are you talking about, Paige? She left 'her' in Rosewood and came after you."
"I know, but…"
"You still think that it comes down to a choice between you and Alison?"
Paige took a deep breath, trying to come up with a way to put what she was thinking into words. "It's like... Okay, did you ever do that field trip to the Franklin Institute in elementary school?"
"Uh uh," Caleb replied. "Remember, I didn't grow up in Rosewood."
"Yeah, well, anyway. They have this train room, and there's this exhibit on magnetic attraction."
"Maglev trains, sure!"
"Exactly. So, they have these magnets, and, when the poles are aligned, they attract. But then you flip a switch to reverse one of the poles, and they repel."
"Right."
"And that's how it feels, you know? With Emily. I mean, we always had this attraction; this... connection. Like, somehow or another, we were always drawn together."
"You guys were made for each other."
"Exac... right! We couldn't just be friends, because, as soon as we got that close, Bam! That magnetic attraction would draw us all the way together."
"Mm hmm."
"Except, whenever Alison came along and flipped the switch, everything changed. I'm still there like an idiot, trying to stay close to Emily, only, now, the closer I get to her, the more it pushes her away. I mean, so, yeah, she came all the way out to Iowa because she 'chose' me, or whatever. But once Alison snaps her fingers, whatever I do, I'll just be pushing her away. And Alison will just keep pulling her in."
"Come on, Paige!"
"What? Am I wrong?" Paige exhaled heavily. "I've seen it happen! All of a sudden, she'll... create some excuse to pick a fight with me and, next thing I know, she's hopping a plane to... I don't know - Atlantic City or Paris or..."
"Paige..." Caleb cut in, trying to be the calming voice of reason.
"... somewhere, I don't know," Paige concluded, sounding defeated.
Caleb waited a moment, making sure Paige had the chance to get it all out of her system.
"Do you think I'm overreacting?"
Caleb sighed as he mulled it over. "Did you contact me expecting me to talk you down or tell you to go for it?"
Paige ran her hand through her hair and let it fall flat on the table. "Talk me down, I guess," she said, equal parts frustrated and annoyed.
"Well, sorry," Caleb said flatly. "I can't do that. Look, I get it, okay? I get what you're afraid of, and I get why you're worried about it. And, no, you're not crazy to feel that way. But, Paige, you need to think hard about what you're doing. You and Emily had problems in Rosewood because she couldn't get over Alison. It would be a shame if you have problems in Iowa because you can't get over Alison."
A/N - Big thanks to subway20 for supplying some hints on how to write Caleb... Still didn't quite get it right, did I? :)
Oh well! Thanks for reading!
