Ash stepped out his car, slamming the door and making his way through the snow covered ground of the S mart parking lot towards the giant "S" at the front of the building. He carried with him a US Army bag and a guitar case. Ash's narration returned.

Crystal Lake. Home to the new Super Ultra Mega S-Mart warehouse store. "Shop Smart; Shop S-Mart," right?

Yeah,right.

And now it's also home to yours truly, The Suits sent me here to clean up the Housewares Department. I'm here for another calling.

Employee of the Month again, sure. I'm a shoo-in. Name one other retail clerk that can take down a possessed shopper with a can opener and a tin of car wax.

Ash approached a group of wore jeans. One had long brown hair, a black jacket and a blue shirt. Another wore a grey coat and hard black hair with a pink shirt. The final one had red curly hair, a black jacket and a green shirt.

Ash:Hello, Ladies. Name's Ash but you can call me "Anytime."

He walked by them.

Lady1:OMG! I think he was staring right at your chest, Paris.

Lady2: Oh, Baby Doll, You got a Sugar Granddaddy just waiting for you.

Ash felt this feet bump into something and turned to face wha took dot him like the very model of the stuck up boss. He wore a white shirt, combed back black hair with a few black strands of hair falling forward. He had on glasses and a plaid vest.

"Ahem. Mr. Ashley . I presume?

Ash: Yeah, that's me. You fellas ordered up a pro, right? I'm your ma-

"Apparently they don't value punctuality at the Detroit store, but we here at Super Ultra S-Mart are held to a higher standard."

He pointed to his watch.

"We've already wasted seven minutes out here on the consumer tarmac. Let's get inside and straighten out the housewares department.

He directed Ash into the store.

"We've only got twelve days until the rededication of this community as Forest Green. In that time we have to get through the holiday rush and the return season. No easy task for a rookie crew, that's where you come in."

The three girls who had passed Ash lake among themselves, walking by a figure that seemed to be waiting.

"Please, like i'd ride discount Elvis back there. He's so 20th century."

Jason stared, his eyes as if he was falling asleep.

"Tee-Hee-Hee. Look at me such ripe breasts, such a round ass."

The three women turned to look at him in the place where he was hiding surrounded by trees. When they turned to face him they all had the face of Freddy Krueger.

"I know I'm just a whore waiting to screw the next camp counselor in tight 70's shorts."

"I'll ride anyone but Jason that little faggot would rather F**k a pig than a girl."

Jason didn't respond.

"Uh-oh...Think we struck a nerve girls...

Jason began to march forward towards the oblivious girls. He approached one of them and swung his machete, slicing her clean in half.

"PARIS!"

Jason reached out with both his hands and grabbed both of their throats as they screamed and brought their heads together, smashing both of them into puddles of blood and brains. He realized his hands and the bodies fell, revealing another girl some distance away standing there in shock.

Ash and the Manager stood before a group of workers in blue shirts and one dressed as Santa Claus.

"All right, people-This is Ash Williams. He's the new sheriff in Housewares-What he says goes."

He then addressed Ash.

"This is the Housewares crew-Raoul, Jarvis, Dave and Caroline."

There was a scream.

Williams perked his head up

"SECURITY!"

He dropped his guitar case and took off running. The Manager shouted after him.

"Williams!"

Ash found a terrified girl, out of breath in front of the store. he put a hand on her shoulder.

Ash:What's wrong?! What Happened?!

She tried to speak but instead pointed at a dark spot in the woods. she finally got the word out. At that time police cars entered the lot, sirens blaring.

"Jason"

Ash: Cops...Great.

The next thing he knew he was being slammed into the hood of a police car. The Manager was speaking nervously to an overweight Officer with a bushy beard.

"No, officer, Mr. Williams was standing next to me in the Housewares Department when this occurred. I can Unequivocally confirm that he is innocent so please of the last time, could you let him go?"

Ash was uncuffed, he grabbed his head in pain as he was spoken to.

Officer: All right, Punk. I know your type. " Pants" from the big city. Well we ain't in "Mayburry" here, boy. I'll be watchin' you. Keep your nose clean or I'll be back to clean it for you.

Ash:Yeah, maybe you oughtta worry about cleaning your own nose, Major Bush Lip.

He walked back to the S-Mart. The officer spoke the S-Mart manager

Officer: You watch that one. He's got a history of showing up right when things start to go to Hell. Awful convenient if you ask me.

Ash walked up to a Pyramid of products stacked together, visibly still mad and taking out his frustration on his work.

Ash:Who the Hell put this pyramid together!?

He grabbed one of the boxes and began moving them around.

Ash:Stupid kids, don't know a waffle iron stack from a water pick mountain. Amateurs.

"What was all the commotion about out there?"

Ash talked to the girl.

Ash:It's bad news, sweet cheeks. The old bag kept muttering under her breath and I'm pretty certain there was fresh blood that officer portly completely missed.

He noticed there was a group of employees surrounding him and turned to face them.

Ash: Seems like the devil done come to town and he's looking for some souls to steal. Listen up. You kids think you've got everything figured out don'cha? Skip school. Do a little grabass, and hangout smoking whatever under the bleachers after work, right? Well I got news for you. The world is a cesspool full crap you never want to look in the eye. There are things your testicle sized brains can't even comprehend.

A shadow seemed to be cast on his face.

Ash: Things like the Deadites. Ancient Kandarian Demons that want to turn you inside out and wear your flesh like a full body condom. You wouldn't believe the places I've gone, Screwed up monsters I've seen and things I've had to dismember. That's why I came here to Super Ultra Mega Craptown in Crystal Lake, to get the Damned Necronomicon Ex Mortis, and finish off the Deadites once and for all.

Raoul, the employee dressed as Santa Claus was the first to insult him.

Raoul: Yo, pops you are seriously effed in the head. Why don't you take your bullshit stories and stick em up your ass with what's left of your dignity.

His friends joined in.

"Yeah, man. Hey we got a sale this week in the book department. Maybe you can get the "book of the demented" on price slashin special."

Ash walked away.

Ash:Laugh while you can kid. cause the Deadites idea of a joke is killing all your friends while you stand by and watch it happen. I'm taking a break.

He sat down casually, raising his legs up to him. Carrie walked up to him.

Carrie: They don't mean anything by it, you know? It's just their way of dealing with stuff here.

Ash: . Look. Carrie, right? I've seen this happen before. In the end there's a whole lot of blood and a bunch of heartache.

Carrie: Is all that true? You know, about Demons and Damned books?

Ash: I wish it wasn't, babe but it is.

Her hand went over Ash's metallic one.

I've been fighting these blighted spirits for years. Ever since a fateful summer in 1981. Those bastards killed my friends. I went back there six years later with a girlfriend of mine, hoping to put the whole thing to rest. Instead the damn things got her and I had to bury another body. Then they decided to make me their own personal stress doll.

Carrie:And what...what happened to you hand?

Ash:More Deadite tricks. They got into my hand and it went bad. I had to lop it off at the wrist. Used the Necronomicon to send "em" away but ended up getting sucked back into the past with them. I made this contraption in the Middle Ages.

He held up the metal arm.

Ash: I could've been king, but that wasn't where I belonged. So I said the magic words, drank the juice, and ended up back here. Well first I ended up in some post apocalyptic version of earth but after that I ended up back here. But it didn't end there. The Deadites followed me back and I've been trying to finish them off ever since. That's the life of the "chosen one" I guess. Still think I wasn't chosen for anything but to be fate's red-headed stepchild.

Carrie: God it all seems so impossible and crazy. But with the Jason Voorhees crap around here, I guess we've had our share of demons.

Ash:Jason...That's what the old bag in the parking lot kept yapping about. I've heard about him.

Carrie:Jason Voorhees was a boy who drowned at camp Crystal Lake back in the 50's, But Jason came back from the grave to take his revenge on the camp counselors who caused his death.

Ash:Right...undead kid comes back to off slacker camp punks. that's got deadeye written all over it, Baby. And where there are Deadites the Necronomicon can't be far behind.

Carrie: They saw he's a big guy with a Hockey Mask and using a machete to kill anyone that gets in his way. Over the past thirty years there have been countless killings said to be by him or copycats. There even was a kille ring Manhattan they thought might have been Jason. But its been quiet since the high school killings five years back. I was still in Middle School, But I remember hearing about Jason killing a bunch of kids in Springwood.

Ash sighed.

Ash: All right, You can put away the Beaver scout cookies, I'm sold. Let's get up to the Voorhees house and find that book...WHAT THE HELL?

A figure in a Hocket Mask and a hockey puck with red liquid on it ran towards him him, releasing a battle cry

Ash:Down!

Ash pushed Carried to the floor and bent back his head, watching as the Hockey stick nearly avoided his head. He was proud of his Matric like movement. He recovered quickly.

Ash: Hey,Hockey Putz...You wanna Dance, huh?! All right, Let's Dance! Yeehaa!

He kicked the figure to the ground. Another employee tried to stop Ash.

Ash:What're you doin?! Stop it, You'll kill him! It's Raoul! It was a joke! Man! Get offa him!

The guy in th hockey mask let out a cry for Help.

Ash turned to face the employee at his back.

Ash:What!? A Joke?! You stop ass-clowns could have ended up dead.

Raoul: Get this freak offa me!

He was helped up.

"Psycho Loser! Jason ain't real dumbass! He died years ago, if he was ever a real person and just some boogeyman dreamed up by sick screws."

Raoul took the mask off.

Raoul:Let's get out of here.

The Manager was coming onto the scene.

Manager: What's all the commotion? I got customers saying it sounds like someone's getting killed in here.

Carrie was leaving with the others.

Carrie: See ya around Ash.

The Manager began taking notes.

Manager:Hockey Mask and stick$ 34 dollars. Quicksmart Toaster oven $42 dollars

Ash:Yeah yeah, pencil neck night manager with a clipboard and wagedocking slip? Priceless.

CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE
A trail of blue was cut through the snow to a cabin. The upper half of a girl hung on a wall with her body strung up. A camera pans across and reaches Jason's head. The voice of Freddy speaks to him.

"All right, you had your fun with the bubblegum bitches. Now you have to do a favor for daddy."

In a memory Freddy was wearing glasses and sitting on an armchair with a young deformed Jason in his lap. He was reading a book that appeared to be the Necronomicon.

Freddy: Go get the Necronomicon and we'll have a little "Father and son" story time. you know, just you and me.

The young Jason smiled a simpleton's smile. He looked a the book and turned the pages. He was now visibly younger, a deformed baby playing with thing she barely understood.

Freddy: Come now, you can't read it yourself, you know. Unless...you were to get the real book and let me make you smart, but until then, sit your retarded cancerous noggin down here and let me read to you. I call this little tale, t'was the nightmare beyond Elm Street. It's a real Holiday killer.

Jason snapped out of his memory. he looked at the two heads on the shrine. The one of his mother Pamela and his father Freddy. He turned and existed the cabin.

"CH-CH-CH-AH-AH-AH"

The undead killer continued walking past a planted sign that said "DANGER: DO NOT ENTER" and then heard something.

"You ready? Let's try it again from the top."

A man in a suit was attempting to conduct a group of carolers made up of two men in suits and two women in red dress bottoms with white tops and red bonnets. One of the men looked similar to Santa Claus with a bushy white curly beard and a twirled white mustache.

"I want this to be perfect. That means no screeching on the high notes, Shelly, and no dropping into flats, Keith."Ready, one and a two and a..."

The metal bar of the sign pierced through his mouth and he fell forward, dead, his body impale don the upward steel girder. Jason then grabbed the metal bar and pulled it upward, out of the corpse and swung it horizontally, decapitating all the carolers. The severed head fell to the floor.

MEANWHILE AT S-MART
A muscular brown bearded lumberjack used a chainsaw to cut through a piece of firewood. Several girls were admiring him. Among them was Ash.

Ash: Whoaaa...chain Lightning? That's a cut above the rest.

"Hey, were you a beaver scout, baby? Cause you look like you're ready for anything."

She spoke while licking a lollipop, intentionally seductively.

" You just gonna stand there or you gonna show me your Big saw? I'm taking a little "camping" trip and I need some supplies. I already packed my G-strings and other goodies, can you help me fill my box with your wares?"

Ash:Well, I'm not really an outdoor supplies specialist, but I do know my way around a cabin. That ought to do it.

He said finishing putting everything in a cart.

Ash: Everything you need for a cozy night in the wild.

He pushed the cart while the girl put her arm around his.

"Oh, baby, it's so much stuff and I don't have any cash on me. I guess I'll have to skip the trip until I can pay for all this stuff."

Ash:You know, it's just about the end of my shift anyway. How about I take care of this with my, ahem, "executive employee discount," and I can help you set up all this stuff?

He scanned his card.

"Yeah baby. That sounds just Groovy."

He began packing them in a red car.

Ash: Nice car, Bree, Say where are we heading for this little expedition?

Ash opened the door to the red car. There was another girl and two guys inside. One of them answered his question.

"We" are going to spend the night in the Voorhees house before they tear it down. "You" are gonna take your Jurassic ass back in the store and beat off to dreams of what I'll be tapping tonight.

The car drove off with the man giving the middle finger out the window.

"Later,Bitch-boy! Hahahahaha!"

He looked at the leaving car and walked to his car.

Ash:Stick that silver spoon up your ass frat boy...man, I hate punk kids. Looks like it's just you and me, again. Quart of Oil and a six pack should do it, eh?

The red sports car arrived at Jason's old home.

"ewww...Voorhees casa Central."

Four figures stepped out.

"I can't believe you worked that fossil into buying all that equipment for us. You didn't even have to swallow the tadpole. That guy must have been desperate.

Bree: That's right, when you've got tits like mine you only have to tease-boys'll do just about anything if they think they might get a taste.

The four settled in quickly. A boy and a girl situated themselves on a couch and began to kiss passionately while removing their shirts.

"Come "ere, Becka, forget about tadpoles, I wanna see if you can swallow a big mouth bass."

Becka: Furious, you're so crude. 'Sides I've seen your "Bass" already and it's more like a guppy.

Bree and the other guy went off.

Bree: Let's find someplace quiet before he starts yelling.

"Gonna make you scream for that one, whore."

Becka: Well I'm gonna make you weep bastard.

They kissed.

Jason appeared in the window in front of the two on the couch.

"CH-CH-CH-AH-AH-Ah"

"uh-uh-uhn! Come on, Baby, Come on!"

Ash was arriving in his car.

Ash:Great...Just Great. the floozy and her friends are here. Let's get this over with.

Carrie was also arriving in her car.

Carrie: What are you doing out here by yourself, Ash? you're going to get yourself killed and I'll never get out of this Going-nowhere-Burg.

Ash stepped out and made his way to the cellar. He kicked it open while holding a lamp in one hand.

Ash:uhhn...Necronomicon 101. It's always in the fruit cellar. God damned Book.

He walked through the creaking steps and slowly down. Upstairs a naked couple was on the couch. A figure creaked by them, holding a bloody machete.

Ash: Sure, sure it's okay. Ash is own here with the spiders and the ornamental skeletal critters while they're up there having an orgy. Yeah, life's real fair. Stay in school, kids. You too could end up successful like me.

Jason walked up to the bodies on the couch and pulled the girl off the man.

"What the Fu..!?

"Furious help me!"

She was ripped in half by Jason with his bare hands. Jason grabbed the man's head with both hands and squished. The head was inhumanely squeezed and pools of blood burst out the eyes and mouth like a fountain.

In the cellar Ash was still looking.

Ash: Come one. Where the hell is...

He spotted a hole in the ground.

Ash:Aha! got a talking book made out of flesh? No problem-just bury it in the earthen floor of the fruit cellar. Classic.

Bree was having sex with someone on the approached the two, appearing in a mirror in front of them. He raised his machete. Bree saw him and screamed.

Ash pulled the Necronomicon out of the hole.

Ash:Gotcha!

A Machete blade pierced through the ceiling next to Ash's head.

Ash:Criminy!

He ran to the stairs and reached into his bag to pull out his shotgun.

Ash:Bree!

He found the body of a skewered man.

Ash:Looks like you were the one getting nailed, Pal.

He ran to find the bodies of the other two teens.

Ash:Bree? Bree, Where are you?!

He ran to the door.

Ash:ah, Crap.

He was tackled by Bree and the tell fell over. She was wearing a towel around her body. Both of them let out short screams before stopping upon realizing who each other was. they fell to the ground with Ash on her.

Bree:Dead...All Dead...He killed them all.

Ash kissed her.

Ash:Yeah I saw. But we're not.

He turned to his left and saw Jason walked around the corner. Bree screamed and Ash stood up in a second, the book tucked under his elbow.

Ash:Come on!

Bree: Oh god, He's back!

Ash:Get to the car!

He moved his head just momentarily to avoid a swing from Jason that cut through the wall.

Ash raised his broomstick

Ash:Eat this!

He fired, hitting the undead killer in the chest and propelling him backwards onto the couch, which fell back.

Ash and Bree ran to his car and got in. Ash began trying to get the car to start.

Ash:Come On!

"Klik Klik Klik Klik

Ash:No, No, No, Not Now! Come on you piece of shit. Start! We have to get out of here!

Jason emerged from the house. Bree screamed. The undead killer began walking forward. His heart was exposed on the side where Ash had shot him.

"CH-CH-CH-HA-HA-HA"

Ash:Start, Damn it, Start!

To be Continued...