"Thank you for understanding, Ms Tate. I just feel like I've reached the end of my rope, and I wouldn't want to endanger any patients with my burnout. I should be ready to come back to work in a week, I just need some time to regroup and find my focus once more."
The lies spilling from her tongue sounded harsh to Roxanna's ears, and she only hoped that Abigail wouldn't hear the same thing she did. "It's perfectly all right, Ms MacMillan. You've been pushing yourself so hard, what with your participation in Professor Gaskell's clinical trial along with your regular workload. I would have taken a week off long before this, if I was in your shoes. And when you get back next week, we'll have drinks at Albie's, and catch up on things. Okay?"
Roxanna quickly swallowed the exasperated sigh that was her first reaction to that suggestion. "That would be lovely," she said, adding another lie to her conversation. "I'll see you in a week." Hanging up before the other woman could say anything else, Roxanna gently tossed her phone onto the coffee table and then curled up in a ball in a corner of her sofa. Last night had been long and quiet, with no word from Henrik, though she had heard from Lofty, asking if he could do anything for her. The concern had warmed her heart, even if she couldn't bring herself to request anything from him.
Knowing that she couldn't wallow in misery the whole morning, Roxanna picked up her tablet and started to catch up on a few of the journals she subscribed to, starting with Experimental Neurology. There was a great article that she had bookmarked in it, waiting for a time she had more than ten minutes to herself to begin it. Getting into what others were doing in her field of medicine helped to shift her focus onto things that mattered more than her relationship woes with both John and Henrik. Though they had been friends for so long, it seemed like that time had certainly come to an end, unnatural though it was with her and John. Henrik, though, that was what hurt the most. Just as she had started to get a handle on her feelings for him, he had shut her out again, like he had in med school, and the ache in her heart was overwhelming.
Roxanna was a little amazed at the alacrity with which her intrusive thoughts returned after she had finished the article, and she closed out the app before opening her email. There was a new one from Meena, and she sighed with frustration as she read what the young doctor was complaining about now. It was difficult to give her an answer that wasn't short and biting, but she did her best, pointing her towards John or Serena for answers, since she wouldn't be in that week.
While she had her email open, Roxanna decided to throw caution to the wind and write to Henrik, hoping that he would respond to her. Henrik, I know that we left things in a weird space when I left yesterday. I've had a night to sleep on things, and hope that you're also doing better. I feel like I've been off kilter for so long, that finding the answers I sought led to a huge crush of disappointment. I wanted to decompress with you, since you understand me and we've been friends for so long. And then, you pushed me away. I'm so vulnerable right now, Henrik. And I guess I had just assumed that you would always be there to catch me when I was falling. But it sort of feels like the only thing we have these days is common misery, and that is maybe the saddest thing I've ever written. Because I think I also realized something yesterday, and that is I think my feelings for you run a little deeper than merely friendship. And I think that I may have missed out on the opportunity to see if we could pick up where we left things thirty years ago. Maybe we can't step into the same stream twice. Maybe I'm a fool. But a part of me cares for you deeply, and I wish I had the courage to say that to your face without bursting into tears. I wish you believed me about John. I wish a lot of things, but most of them I know I can never have. I hope to hear from you soon. All my love, Roxanna
She pressed the send button before she could chicken out and then she set the tablet aside as she got up from the sofa and stretched a little. Her stomach growled, and she padded into the kitchen, quickly making herself a sandwich before heading back into the living room and sitting on the sofa once more. As Roxanna ate, she picked up her tablet once more, deciding to lose herself in mindless videos on YouTube. David had introduced her to the practice years ago, when she felt close to collapsing under the weight of her research.
A few hours flew by, and she found her mind once more centering into a better place, though the dull ache in her heart hadn't gone away. Unable to stop herself, Roxanna checked her email, wondering if there would be a reply. There was nothing new, and she tossed aside the tablet with a small huff before getting to her feet and heading upstairs to her bedroom.
Since she hadn't gotten dressed that morning, there was no reason to change, and Roxanna climbed beneath the covers of her bed, pulling them up around her shoulders as she stared up at the ceiling. She was exhausted, but felt like she couldn't sleep, and she restlessly turned onto her side, staring out her window at the rapidly darkening sky. The grey clouds that formed perfectly matched her feelings, and then the first loud crack of thunder struck, and she shivered a little as the rain started to pelt down.
Watching the storm rage on, she felt the irrational urge to run outside and stand there, allowing the storm to thoroughly soak her. Letting out a deep sigh, she turned away from the window, trying to drown out the desire in her with the sound of the storm as she closed her eyes, trying to will herself to sleep. That was a failure, however, as the storm passed by without her passing out. Letting out a deep breath, Roxanna reached up and turned on the lamp on her nightstand, sitting up against the headboard as she picked up the large book there, opening it to where she had left off.
It wasn't until she found herself rereading the same paragraph for the fifth time without retaining any of what the story was about that she slammed the book shut, letting it thump back onto the table before sliding down on the mattress and kicking the sheets to the foot of the bed, running her hands over her head as she tried to figure out why she couldn't focus, why she couldn't sleep, why she couldn't shut her feelings off and just be content with what she had been given this late in her life. Somehow, she didn't think that she would ever find that contentment, and as she began to sob once more, she curled into a ball, pulling a pillow tight to her chest as she allowed herself to grieve for everything that had gone wrong in her life.
