So here's another chapter. If some of you don't know already I'm writing a new story called Battle of the Sexes. I sent some of you reviewers a sample since you asked and PMed me so kindly. I would, also, like to bring it to attention that I will not be starting that story until I am down with this one.
The Journey of Life is a story that needs to be updated frequently so that you can form a bond with the characters. This is so it can have a stronger impact on you as the reader. So I'll be focusing my time and efforts on this one.
That does not mean I won't be finishing The Art of Kissing. It was has one more chapter and then it will be completed so I have no problem with that.
In other news, I would like to say thank you so much for the people who are sticking with this story. It means so much to me and I seriously just love you guys!
Also, keep a look out for RosiePosieRW's new story: Failure Is An Option!
Anyway, enough with my ranting and thanking.
Onward to the story!
It had seemed like a no brainer at the time. When Clary had turned to him with wide shining, bright jaded eyes and her impish smile the words had seemed to tumble right out. As if he never really had any control in the first place. As if she had simply asked him to be polite knowing fully well he couldn't say no.
He'd said he'd stay for dinner; not that it was that big of a deal seeing as he'd already met Mr. Starkweather, who was not at all like Jace had thought he'd be or pictured him as. He was as sweet as any other grandfather and his smile lit up the room just as brightly as Clary's seemed too. His white hair and slouched posture in his chair made him look harmless; in fact, he reminded Jace strongly of the old man in Pinocchio.
Though that didn't mean he hadn't been hesitate when Clary opened the door in a flourish and stepped aside to let him in and out of the harsh cold wind of fall. He thought about making an excuse and backing out, but Clary's words had struck a cord in him. He wished he could see himself through her eyes because he liked her image much more than the one he had now. He wanted to be strong. He wanted to be special.
He wanted to change.
Clary seemed to think he was capable of it. But was he really? Did he really have what it took? It was the look in her eyes that made him walk all the way in. It sparked in the iris of each green orb as he looked at her, a challenge; to see if he'd actually go in. She knew he'd heard the rumors, knew he heard the stories. She was daring him to find out if they were all true.
And even before he took one step into the household; he knew they all weren't.
He expected to see Mr. Starkweather sitting at the table. That went without saying. What he didn't except however was Luke Graymark to also be sitting at the long marble table made for more then was currently seated.
Lucian Graymark ran the only bookstore in town; he, also, volunteered at the library in his spare time. Everyone knew about Luke's fascination with the dust coated hard-covers that he never seemed to be able to put down. Besides that no one knew much about him. He'd been living in this sorry excuse of a town for as long as Jace could remember and not once had he heard a rumor about the older store clerk nor had he heard of Luke starting any either. In reality he knew he shouldn't have been surprised. Clary seemed to know everyone and everyone seemed to see exactly what he did.
That fire that rested in her eyes; the way her face lit up, as if shining with its own spotlight, when she smiled. The way she seemed to challenge the way you thought and perceived the world. She spoke in riddles, words swaying in twists and turns in the air moving into your ears and surrounding your brain making you think. Making you truly wonder about the answers to her questions. Questions she, herself, already seemed to know the answers too.
Mr. Starkweather glanced up with blurry eyes as if he couldn't really make out the person who stood awkwardly next to his granddaughter. Clary just smiled as she all but floated toward the table as if having wings on her back. Her red hair flowing around her shoulders and falling in waves down to her waist; Jace liked it that way better than when she played with it turning it straight or gathering each curl and putting it up. He liked her natural, just the way she was.
"Hi, Grandpa." Clary said with a smile as she bent down to sweetly kiss Mr. Starkweather's cheek. Jace remembered what those lips felt like, like satin and silk as soft and bright as roses. "Sorry, I'm late. I brought a guest to join us if that's okay."
Mr. Starkweather's smile didn't drop as his eyes found Jace's it seemed to grow brighter as he took Jace in before nodding his head. "The more the merrier. We have more than enough food to go around." He rolled back and gestured like a gentleman toward the table encouraging Jace to sit.
Jace felt a smile form on his face as he walked forward meeting Clary around the table as she moved to kiss Luke's cheek too. She seemed obvious as she went to pull out her chair. Her hair falling over her shoulders as she chatted lovingly with Luke, seeming to know him on a much closer level than Jace expected. Green eyes sparked with a youthful glow something that was often shadowed by the mature way she seemed to think and hold herself. But now, as Jace watched her brace her hands on the edge of the marble table, excitement barely being kept in as she spoke of the things she had seen and did throughout the day, he could think of nothing but to compare her to a child. Just as she was supposed to be.
Luke, who was passing glances Jace's way in caution, couldn't seem to help the smile that took over his face as Clary spoke with excited eyes and wide gestures. Her hands exchanged positions as if she was unsure if she wanted to sit or if she was too eager to before she pressed on the hard marble table and began to push the black high backed chair away from its place. It made a soft scratching sound across the wood floor and Jace could picture what his father would have done had he heard such a noise. Unknowing what possessed him, Jace's hands covered hers as he lifted and pulled the seat back for her. He blinked a moment looking at his hands in amazement as if they had a mind of their own. He hadn't even thought to do it, it sort of all just happened.
But it felt right.
Clary paused mid-speech as she turned to Jace with an odd sort of look upon her face. Her eyes seemed to drink him in as she smiled softly. Her cheeks were turning a soft pink and Jace couldn't help but feel proud that he had made her blush like that. "Thank you." She spoke in a low tone, her eyelashes covering her eyes as she looked down at her feet.
Jace bent slightly to see past the wall of red that seemed to block her face like a curtain and smiled. Her eyes flickered up to him in a flash of green and he felt his stomach flip over in excitement. "It's my pleasure."
Turning quickly Clary sank into the seat slowly and allowed Jace to push her in before looking up at Luke, who watched on with wide eyes, and continuing her story. Jace watched her arms move as she spoke animatedly; her eyes lighting up like gems under the sun and her mouth moving faster than he'd ever seen it. Luke watched her nodding so often, listening intently as she said every word as if every moment with her was precious. Jace decided in that moment that he liked Luke already.
The door bell chimed in the room and filled it with a sound so loud Jace almost wanted to cover his ears. He blinked confused before looking at Clary, who hadn't moved from her position elbows still leaning forward anxiously with that child-like gleam in her eye as she told Luke all of what she'd seen today. How the sky erupted in bright colors at dawn and how the clouds had really been animals in the sky.
He'd been with her all day. He'd rushed to his car at dawn and took off in a billow of dust toward her house; she'd said to meet her early "before the sun could open its eyes". He could still hear her voice as she smiled up at him watching as he pulled out of the long narrow drive and headed back to the fork in the road. Together they'd watched the sun rise, shoulders barely brushing; watched as life opened its eyes just as the sun did. And yet he'd missed how the grass had sparkled with dew or how the wind was crisp, biting their ankles under the shared blanket. He'd missed how the moon had waved goodbye before letting the sun fulfill its duty. He missed how the birds took flight and began to sing as they looked for food to feed to their children.
But she hadn't. She remembered every little thing that happened just this morning. As she told Luke with a blinding smile, she spoke of how they'd watched the clouds for hours and how Jace had met her mother, something that caused Luke's eyes to widen and turn to the boy next to Clary sharply. But Jace didn't take his eyes off of her as she smiled too-knowingly and leaned forward; placing a soft, small hand upon Luke's worn one. He wanted to hear the words she'd say to reassure the older man that he meant no harm, that she was helping him in the best way possible.
A gasp was heard filling the room with silence as Jace whipped his head around and locked eyes on something he'd never thought he'd see again. On the people he'd avoided for two years. The very people he'd hurt and abused, the people who had loved him so freely and he'd betrayed them all. He could feel their hurt from where he seat, suddenly out of place, at Clary's dining room table. In his rush to find the strength to actually sit down for dinner with Clary's family, he hadn't noticed the extra plates and napkins. He hadn't even glanced at the three other spots that were going to be full.
Alec, Isabelle and Max Lightwood all stared at him with different eyes. Max looked excited; his eyes widening and his mouth falling open. The glasses, that were much too big for him, seemed to be slipping off the bridge of his nose as he hurriedly pushed them back up and made a move to run toward Jace. The bouquet of flowers in his small hands trembled with anticipation, some of the soft, yellow petals falling to the ground at the harsh gosling.
A red-coated hand to his small shoulder stopped Max making a pout form on his bottom lip and causing his posture to slouch. Following that hand Jace stared at the soulful brown eyes of Isabelle Lightwood, she was just as stunning as he remembered. Once upon a time he'd had a crush on the beautiful brunette but he had been younger than and the world had still been seen through rose-colored glasses, where everything was a still pleasant and giving; where life had been joyful and adventurous.
The scowl that seemed permanent on her ruby, red lips was expected. It had taken forever to get Isabelle to fully trust him when they were kids. And the only reason she had decided to in the first place was because he'd saved her from falling out of Miss. Jefferson's apple tree when they were 6. He could still remember the way she had screamed as she lost her balance. The fall, though not far, would have certainly left a bruise on her silky skin. He remembered the way he had instinctively reached out and grabbed her; "don't let go" she'd said as he tightened his grip dropping all the apples he'd gather from his hands and holding on tightly to her with both, "never" he'd replied and that was when he'd seen it. That look in her chocolate orbs when he'd blown through every wall she'd ever built. That was when she trusted him.
He knew she didn't trust him anymore and rightfully so. He'd gone back on his promise to never let anyone hurt them; he'd gone back on his promise and stabbed them in the back. And for what? He had nothing now.
Turning his gaze to his best friend he couldn't help but let that day rush back. He couldn't help but get sucked into the bluest eyes he'd ever seen; the same eyes he'd shared pain with and laughter. He and Alec had been brothers at heart and he had ruined it. Two words. He managed to destroy everything they had built with two simple words. He'd ripped apart everything they had stitched together and made. The friendship they had sown together, he'd gone and ripped it completely at the seams. And then he'd walked away.
And never looked back.
I knew. I'd always known. For as long as I could remember.
It made him uncomfortable when I talked about girls; I could see it in the way he fidgeted with his hands and his face would turn red at the things I'd say I wanted to do to them or had already done. Being the horny, pubescent sophomore I was didn't help matters when all I could think about were girls and football anyway.
He'd narrow his eyes when I spoke about Aline or Kaelie or Tracy Henderson from homeroom. He'd grow mad and frustrated and I'd joke it was because he hadn't gotten laid.
But I knew.
I could see it when he looked at me when he thought I wasn't paying attention. The way he always seemed to reach out as if to touch me but never did. The way he was constantly opening his mouth to express something, to share something with me that he never could. The way he never seemed to want to be remotely close to me when I was sleeping in his bed or changing in the locker room as if it was too torturous to bear.
Alec was in love with me.
The idea didn't make me feel disgusted or bothered. I was fine with the fact that he was different; if he said he wanted to date men and he wanted to dress like an alpaca I would have been fine with that too. Knowing Alec, however, wearing an alpaca suit wasn't really his style. I'd been planning on telling him that it was fine that day, that we'd still be friends, that nothing could ever change that when Sebastian had started speaking.
Alec had bumped into him in the boy's locker room while Seb had been on his way back from the showers; not that, that was really any excuse. Sebastian sent most of his time naked in the locker room anyway. Alec had fallen to the ground as if afraid to touch him altogether still dressed completely in his football uniform, no doubt, going to change in the separate stalls like he usually did. His eyes were wide as they stared straight at Sebastian's naked body looking at things that were forbidden. And Sebastian had called him out on it.
I could remember the harsh words he'd used as I pushed my way through the laughing and mocking crowd. He'd called him a "homo" first and when that seemed to get the proper reaction out of Alec he wanted he continued. Laughing when he realized what he said was actually true. He called Alec a "mistake" that he wasn't "one of God's children" that "the Devil had kissed his lips" though the thought of Sebastian preaching still makes me laugh at the irony.
Then he started ranting about what the town would say, what people would think of him, and just as I broke through the crowd I froze. As if everything he was saying was being shouted at me; I could almost feel my blood freeze and my stomach drop.
What would my father say? What would he do when he found out the only friend I seemed to like was gay? Would he finally shut me out completely?
I had some wishful dreams about my father back then. Too wishful in truth. I had thought if I pushed myself hard enough that he would be proud. That every drop of blood and bead of sweat would have all meant something. I wouldn't find out until two years later of wallowing in self misery and pity that I would never make him proud. The bar he set would only get raised higher and I would do the same in order to meet it but I couldn't. And in the end I would be left with nothing.
I tried to slip back through the crowd but Sebastian saw me and had wrapped a hand around my arm pulling me forward and spitting in my ear as he told me news that I'd already known. As he told me secrets about my dearest friend that I'd already discovered. He laughed as he spoke of how Alec looked at me "like a blind person seeing the sun for the first time". He laughed at the love Alec had for me and I had let him.
I had done nothing.
And as Alec looked at me with water brimming the edges of his eyes; the ocean of blue seemed to be seeping out salt water that he desperately was trying to hold back. His breathing was coming out in pants and he hadn't lifted himself from the floor as his elbows bent at an odd angle. I remember watching as Alec's soul seemed to slip the longer I waited staring at him because he didn't know. He didn't know that I'd already known. He didn't know that I didn't care, that I'd never care. He'd always be my brother; I'd always love him anyway because that's what family did.
So, when I opened my mouth I expected something along those lines to spill out but instead it was only a whisper. One heard by all our teammates as they watched me with greedy eyes, waiting for me to give in; to give them exactly what they wanted.
"You're disgusting."
That's what I said to him; standing over him like I was somehow better. Looking down at him as he broke entirely and sprinted from the locker room. He'd quit football after that and simply fade into nothing more than a rumor. Those words were what I whispered in a moment that I could have shown courage.
Those would be the last words I'd ever say to him for two years.
Jace let his eyes drop, he didn't belong here. He certainly didn't belong with Clary or even close to her and he certainly didn't deserve their kindness. The room was suddenly closing in around him. He could practically hear the chants of his teammates as they pointed fingers and laughed at Alec. He could practically see Sebastian's black eyes light up with glee as he mocked the cowering boy.
This was all wrong. He didn't want to think of this. He didn't want to feel this ache in his chest, taunting him because he knew it would never be filled.
Jace stood quickly and ran from the room; not turning as Clary cried out his name or the sound of screeching chair legs against the polished wood. He slammed his palms against the hard oak of the front door before he shut it quickly trying to take steady breaths to calm himself down but it wasn't working. His stomach was twisting and turning; it felt like it did when he had eaten Isabelle's entire bag of Halloween candy: sick and guilty. Two things he hated to feel.
"Jace!" Clary said in a confused voice. He hadn't even noticed when his legs collapsed on the stairs and he sank to the ground. That was how she found him. Just as she always did: broken and vulnerable. "Where are you going?"
Jace swallowed before shaking his head, his curls annoying him when they brushed his cheeks. Where was he going? Away certainly, but where? He hadn't really a clue all he'd thought to do was run. He had no safe haven, he had nothing.
"Jace," Her voice was softer this time as she kneeled next to him, the knees of her jeans getting muddy from the unpaved driveway but she didn't seem to care as she put a hand to his chin and made him look up at her. "What's wrong?"
He knew he never should have met her gaze but he had and her eyes seemed to be pulling the information out of him; his mouth so badly wished to move, to form the words to tell her what was wrong but he couldn't. Would she even be able to look at him? He could barely look at himself as it was what if he lost her too. The churning waves of the emotion they were sailing would surely drag him down if she were to leave; he would lose the path he was walking. She was his light, his only source of sight.
"I hurt Alec bad," His voice seemed to cracked as he looked at her; the consequences of his actions weighing on his shoulders."And I don't know how to make it right."
She stared at him for far too long as her green eyes egged him on as if daring him to tell her the whole truth; her small body protecting him from the pulsing wind as her hair pushed around her head in a dance he would never truly understand. The stands twisted together and knotted into another unruly curl.
"Make it right?" Her voice was as crisp as the autumn breeze.
Jace shook his head with a snort, her hands fell away from his cheeks and already he missed the warmth she'd sent him. "Whatever that means."
Clary blinked a moment as Jace stared out at the horizon; for a moment he thought she didn't know what he was talking about before her voice spoke pure and true amongst the falling leaves and cold secrets he was keeping. "Well, that's simple." She shrugged turning her eyes where his were over her shoulder. "The first to step would be to apologize, even if it's not enough, and then you have to earn it."
He didn't need to ask what "it" was. "It" was the same thing he'd earned with he had grabbed Isabelle's hand when she was about to tumble out of that apple tree so long ago or the very thing he'd broken when he'd utter those two awful words.
Trust.
If he didn't know any better he'd say Clary knew exactly what he was talking about already.
"Earn it?" His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to decipher if she did in fact know about the horrible and distasteful thing he had done. But she gave no indication that she knew no flash of hatred or disgust rolled over her face. Only cool patience and an understanding that he wished he was capable of.
Clary smiled sweetly tucking a wondering spiral that was at war with the wind behind his ear. "Jace, forgiveness isn't something you can just take or expect, it has to be given." Clary laughed before she grinned. "This is one thing you can't buy your way out of, Mascot."
"I never would have tried to buy it." Jace said in a huff as Clary raised an eyebrow.
"Now, don't get your feathers all ruffled just because I made a joke." She smiled and Jace absentmindedly caught the other pun she implied by calling him a bird. She was making it clear; he was the Mascot, he was the town's puppet.
"I don't make jokes about you."
"I'm sure you haven't." Clary rolled her eyes in a large display of exasperation before she cocked her head and stood, placing her hands on her hips. "You honestly expect me to believe you've never made a joke about me?"
He winced as Clary sighed and put a hand on his arm before sliding it down so that she was holding his hand; their finger entwining on their own accord. "That was before I knew you."
A thoughtful look passed over Clary's face as she looked up at him. "Do you really know me?"
"I like to pretend I do." Jace said as he placed a timid hand on her cheek. He hated how uncertain he was. Women always came easy to Jace but Clary never seemed to show any sign of attraction toward him; this was a whole new ballpark for him. Adding to the fact that he cared about her a lot, at least he could admit it to himself, really changed the game too. He'd never wanted someone as much as he wanted Clary Morgenstern. "You're a hard person to figure out, Clary."
"Then stop trying." She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to his cheek just as he remembered. The memory of angels and the sharp scent of spray paint was something he was grasping onto closely. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She asked almost shyly, but he couldn't fully wrap his mind around that possibility.
He smiled and nodded once feeling her slipping away as she walked up the stairs before smiling one last time and closing the door behind her.
He hadn't even asked her to explain how she knew the Lightwoods in the first place.
You found out what Jace did to Alec! I don't know about you but that was pretty awful in my opinion and in Jace's. He knows what he did was wrong.
How will he make up for it? Can he?
*Now, before you all start flipping out I want you to know I do not share Sebastian's views at all. I don't care if you're gay, straight or bi. I think that everyone should be able to love who they want without criticism and mockery. That's what our society's about anyway: freedom. The freedom to make our own choices and decisions as long as it doesn't harm another person or their constitutional rights and no one is hurting anyone if they like the same gender. It seriously pisses me off! And they need to stop bringing the Bible up in that whole debate. Just. . . .no.*
