Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, or any associated characters or concepts. Quotes in this chapter taken directly from The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien.

Summary: On the way to the Undying Lands, Billa Baggins is eaten by a time-traveling sea monster. She wakes up in her 33-year-old body and realizes she has a chance to change everything. Unfortunately, Thorin has a tendency to run around shirtless, and Dis thinks she has improper designs on Fili and Kili, but if she can convince the Shire that Dwalin is a dance teacher, things might be okay.


Chapter 46

The blizzard was over. Winter still held dominance and the cold was bitter, but the blizzard was followed by a brief thaw which turned the Shire into a mess of mud and muck. Since it had been mud-slides that had wrecked the old Smials which the dwarves had lately repaired and taken up residence in, everyhobbit had been instructed to keep an eye out for anything that looked like it could cause a mud-slide. When one was found, a team of dwarves and hobbits would take up shovels and go to try and solve the problem.

Billa went to supervise on the first such occasion, but was pleasantly surprised to see that the dwarves and hobbits were getting along very well, and so sent Nori in her stead to the mud-job after that. They both came home muddy, soaked, cold and weary, but no fights or mudslides occurred, so Billa considered the effort well worth it.

A week or two after she first introduced Ori to her plot to build better relationships with Rivendell, Billa had woken from a dead-sleep. She sat upright with a gasp as a brilliant idea burst into her brain. Desperate to get it settled and taken care of before it faded away, she exploded into action. She threw on a house-robe and a set of moccasins and dashed to her office where she wrote down a single sentence in a frenzy of smudged ink. Then, she ran out the back door and stuffed the message into Bifur's clever metal cylinder and hauled the cord hand over hand until she felt the resistance as it hit the other side. She jerked it back and forth a few times for good measure, so it would cling against the metal cap. Then she ran back inside to dress and start breakfast.

When Ori and Nori showed up at her door, breathless and red-cheeked from running all the way, she hugged them tightly and hauled them into the kitchen.

"I have it!" she cackled triumphantly as she waved a spatula at them. They stared cautiously and edged slowly towards the door.

She couldn't have that. "SIT!" she barked. They sat. She spooned some eggs onto their plates, and then paused to do a victory dance around the table. Ori and Nori watched her with wide eyes.

"It's genius!" she cackled again, an enormous grin splitting her face.

Ori and Nori exchanged looks, each thinking very different things. Nori was thinking, It's nice to see her smile again. She hasn't been this animated since Thorin left. Ori, on the other hand, was thinking, Billa's gone mad!

"Here's the plan!" she said with wide, crazed eyes as she sat down in front of them. "Ori, you've been learning so well that your Sindarin is about as good as I can make it. Lithir, too, needs a tutor, but she's comfortable here and Lori would be heartbroken if we sent her away. AND!" She exclaimed, shaking the spatula so hard that a bit of egg was flung onto Nori's face, "it serves our purpose to build stronger relations with the elves. There's such prejudice and ignorance on each side, that each acts with rudeness towards the other, and it merely perpetuates the problem. So! Here is what we are going to do!"

Billa paused to swallow down a mouthful of eggs, eating directly from the frying pan with the spatula as a spoon. Nori, wide-eyed, reached up to slowly wipe the egg off his face.

"We are going to break down the stereotypes so that by the time we get to Rivendell, it might be awkward to stay there, but at least it won't be hostile. To that effect, Ori, I need you to write a letter to Lord Elrond that I will include with my next letter. In your letter, you will proclaim that you want to learn more about Rivendell and the history of dwarves and elves working together, and if it wasn't too much trouble, would someone pretty please be your pen pal?" Billa batted her eyelashes for extra effect as she mimicked the sweetness of Ori's future letter.

"And then! Just in case they don't go for it, we will have Lithir include a message saying much the same, except she will add that she loves the Shire so much, and doesn't want to leave her new friends, but wants to learn more and so is studying with Ori, and so Elrond will know that if he wants to help Lithir, he will have to also help Ori. See?"

She grinned at them. Ori and Nori slowly blinked back, dazed by the barrage of information at the early hour. Displeased by their lack of reaction, Billa blazed on.

"It's very likely that Elrond will hand over the letters to someone he knows will be able to handle them, someone who is not overtly prejudiced against dwarves. We will milk them for information, get to know them, make friends, and when we are on our way to Rivendell, whether that's one week from now or one decade, we will make plans through that person who will ensure that our stay is much more to our liking.

"Elves don't really eat meat much, you know," she added seriously. "If we just showed up out of the blue, they would entertain us and feed us the way that THEY like to be entertained and fed, not the way that YOU like to be entertained and fed. Mutual knowledge of the other's preferences is vital to ensure peace."

Billa stopped again to gauge their reactions. Ori looked bewildered, but Nori was nodding his head with a wise expression.

"Well?" she asked impatiently.

"Billa..." Nori said gravely, stroking his mustache with his forefinger and thumb.

"Yes?" she said hopefully.

"What I'm about to say may be very difficult for you to hear, Billa." he said sternly.

Billa bounced nervously in her seat. "Yes?" she said anxiously.

"Billa, it's two in the morning. Let's talk in the morning. Ori and I are going back to sleep now." Ori nodded gravely to support his brother's statement.

Billa's mouth fell open in surprise, and she whirled to face the clock. It was indeed two in the morning, and Billa blushed in mortification. When she turned to face Ori and Nori again to apologize, she found them both face down on the table, plates shoved to the side and heads resting on folded arms. She blinked once, surprised to see them so quickly asleep.

After a moment of watching, Nori began to snore.

Billa frowned, and looked down at the frying pan full of scrambled eggs that she had prepared in a hurry. Then she shrugged and took the pan into her office. She could have an early breakfast and scheme at the same time, couldn't she?

At 2:03AM, she started to draft the letters for Ori and Lithir to write. At 2:29, she pondered the different ways this plan could affect their future. Perhaps after a few letters, a tutor might come from Rivendell for a short stay? Perhaps after that, a very small party of hobbits, dwarves and a very young elf might return the visit? Perhaps a trade route of some kind might be opened, or a yearly visit established? Any interaction between dwarves and elves that didn't end in insult or bloodshed was a good interaction, as far as Billa was concerned, and she would do her best to establish as many successful interactions as she could.

At 2:34, she was asleep in her chair and snoring as loudly as Nori.


Two days later, a bundle of letters from Billa, Ori and Lithir were being carried east to Rivendell.

Three weeks later, a bundle of letters from Rivendell came back, and Billa grinned a predatory grin to read them.


It was nearing the end of winter, after the letters had been sent but before a reply had been heard that more sinister things began to stir. The cold was abating but food was still scarce, and on a dark, frigid night, howls were heard on the edges of the Shire.

Billa, who was visiting her Uncle Isumbras at the time, blanched to hear them, and then narrowed her eyes in determination.

Isumbras's eyes narrowed too, and then an uncharacteristically mean smile appeared on both their faces.

"Dearest Uncle, shall we see how those swords and shields hold up in a real battle?" she said.

"My dearest niece, our newly dwarf-trained Bounders are due for a test, aren't they?" he agreed.

They summoned the captain of the bounders, and Balin, and the four of them spent a few hours behind locked doors in Isumbras' study, drafting patrol and battle plans.

By that evening, word was spreading into every corner of the Shire for hobbits to stay indoors and to keep their weapons close. The bounders (and any dwarves and hobbits who volunteered) reviewed and practiced fiercely for two days, and then the bounder captain Bolton, Billa, and Balin each led a contingent on regular patrols.

They led the patrols nightly, each covering a different part of the Shire. Balin to the east-northeast, Billa to the southeast, and Bolton to the north. Balin's contingent, which was mostly dwarven in nature, found nothing but tracks the first night. Bolton's patrol, which was mostly hobbitish, heard nothing but howls. Billa's contingent was equally mixed between dwarven warriors and hobbit bounders, but she had no signs either.

For a week, so it went. Howls, or fresh tracks, but no skirmishes. It seemed as though the foul creatures were seeking to avoid them, or wait them out, or move around them. However, the patrol pattern was thorough and the defenders were determined, and so the goblins and wolves were forced to action.

On the 8th patrol, in the deepest, coldest part of the night, each patrol was attacked by goblins and wolves who were mad with hunger and rabid with bloodlust.

Balin's contingent of mostly experienced dwarves had been very confident that their mere presence would deter the goblins and wolves, and so were singing a battle-hymn far too boisterously to hear the goblins approach. They were taken by surprise. Many received initial wounds, but for the most part, they weathered the assault easily. They slew many wolves and goblins and suffered no losses at all. After the fight, the new hobbit bounders were sick in the bushes, but the dwarves were not unkind to them. They patched themselves up, those that needed it, and then the goblin and wolf corpses were piled together and burned. Although, Balin did take a note from Billa's book, and mounted a wolf-head on a spear in front of the bonfire. Perhaps, he mused as he admired his work, Billa might be onto something and this might warn the filthy things off next time. Nothing like a good battle to make you soften your opinions of your friends.

Bolton's contingent in the north was very, very lucky, and the two experienced dwarf-warriors in the group knew it. The hobbits were so quiet as they crept along and the orcs and wolves so loud that they were able to hear the wolves howling and the goblins screeching as they approached, which gave the hobbits plenty of time to sort themselves into the much-practiced battle formations that would soon save their lives. The dwarves were astounded at the panic the hobbits displayed when they first heard the howling, and they rather disdained how long it took the hobbits to remember their heads and get into position, but they grudgingly admitted that once the hobbits were ready, they were stern and undaunted as they mounted their defense. They swung their dwarf-forged swords with all their strength, and held to their formations, even when the goblins shrieked at them and the wolves lunged. They remembered their drills and their training, and although they did not have quite so many foes against them as the Balin's contingent did, they still acquitted themselves rather admirably. They, too piled the dead into bonfires, and bound up their wounds as the smoke billowed into the clear night sky.

Billa's contingent was the most balanced, with two hobbits for every dwarf, and Nori and Bifur both rode with her, for which she was grateful. It was Nori who spotted the plumes of smoke rising from the north and from the east by the light of the full moon, and Billa gave the order to fall into their formations and look to their weapons. It was lucky she did so, because those who had been driven off from the north and from the east were running and screeching slowly towards her patrol, and they grew in numbers as they did.

Now, the wolves and goblins were fairly desperate at this time. Usually, after a bad winter, they could come down and snack on the edges of the Shire, so long as they were subtle and sneaky and avoided the Rangers. Such snacking kept them alive, and gave them enough strength to keep hunting and fighting until spring came and food was more plentiful. However, this winter, they had been thwarted by a series of patrols that had kept them at bay, in freezing and starving conditions for over a week. At this point, they needed to eat. Their survival was on the line, and if they could just break through the patrols and spend one night feasting in the Shire, they would survive until spring.

Billa's contingent suffered the largest attack a few hours after the other patrols. Their swords were strong, and although some of the hobbit-hands that held the swords trembled, their courage did not falter. Billa acquitted herself well, for she had enjoyed months of study and was not unused to battle. Nori and Bifur, her regular sparring partners (and fearsome opponents, although not considered warriors in their own rights) were her partners in formation, and they kept each other as safe as they could. The patrol had the benefit of superior teamwork, and superior weaponry, and some superior training. However, the wolves and goblins were desperate, and they fought as fiercely as they could, and they outnumbered Billa's patrol three to one!

However, after an hour or so of fighting, the grey light of pre-dawn started to lighten the world, and the goblins had been cut down so that they now faced even odds against the dwarf-hobbit patrol. Finally, the goblins screeched out the retreat, and the foul creatures began to flee.

Billa's little contingent, much the worse for wear, gave a ragged little cheer that petered out almost immediately as they finally had a moment to catch their breaths. Panting, Billa directed that the wounded be the first priority, and that the bodies of the enemy be gathered and burned only after every fighter had been tended to.

All of them bore wounds, some more severe than others, but the way the formations had been mixed between hobbits and dwarves meant that everyone had a team to keep them safe, and although two hobbits had lost part of a foot, and one dwarf had had a chunk taken out of his nose, and another hobbit had lost half an ear, and several had lost a few fingers, and although many had been stabbed or shot or bludgeoned- they did not have a lost life between them.

Finally, the wounded were tended and the bonfire was lit, and then dawn had arrived. Billa's little band trudged back to shelter. Reports were sent of and to each patrol, and each contingent, whether hobbit or dwarrow, fell into a deep, well-deserved sleep.


After another week of patrols, all the tracks and howls disappeared, but they stayed vigilant and kept patrolling for another fortnight, just to be safe.

When green started to appear on the trees and new leaves began to grow, the patrols ceased. Spring was officially here!


Two weeks after the first little buds appeared on the trees, lights were spotted at Needlepoint Pass, and Billa felt her heart swell to bursting in her chest.

She burst into a flurry of action, her winter malaise forgotten and her spirits restored. The winter had strengthened her friendship with Balin, Nori, and Ori, but nothing could compare to the thrill of seeing Thorin again.

And - her heartbeat trembled - his final decision.

Although in fairness, seeing as he'd kissed her senseless before saying goodbye, she was pretty sure things would be fine.

Balin, she could tell, was just as eager to see his family return as she was. He'd dearly missed Dwalin in the time he was holed up with her. He'd been so hungry for company he'd even started including Lithir in his discussions with her and Ori. If that didn't speak of desperation for company, Billa didn't know what did.

She spent the day after the lights were spotted in cleaning and airing Bag End and the smials, and filling her larder. She'd been singing and humming while she worked. On the second day, she made sure to dress very carefully in the finest Hobbit/Dwarf clothing that Dori had made for her, with her most intricate braids and the Durin bead featured prominently in her hair.

After hours of waiting with Balin in the living room, the doorbell rang and Billa, hoping it was Thorin and not just a message from him, pulled open the door with a broad smile.

"Miss Billa Baggins, as I live and breathe," exclaimed the stranger on her porch. "Will you marry me?"

Balin, who had just sipped at his tea, spewed it out in a shocked cough.

Billa's heart dropped like a stone, as did her smile.