ERIN
It has been six weeks. Nina has gotten better, we've fallen into a routine. It's good, we're good. Everything about that is good. Jay works, a lot. Which, I guess is good in a sense. But in another, I almost never see him. I knew that it was going to be different and I'm glad that he loves what he does, but I miss him. Right now he's on a work trip in New York and I haven't even talked to him in three days. We've checked in, short texts and stuff, but we haven't really talked. Though that isn't anywhere near the height of my issues.
Camille took a nosedive recently. I knew that it was going to happen, I was waiting for it to happen, I just didn't want to believe it. I'd like to think that we made her happy, these last few weeks. She said she just wanted to be with her family, so we brought her to the lakehouse that we went to in high school in Michigan, had lots of families dinners and I sat next to her on the sidelines of every one of Justin's football games. She loved it. But that's all over now.
She passed out the other day in the kitchen. Dad rushed her to the hospital, Justin in tow and I met them there with Nina tailing me half an hour later. The tumor had grown and though everyone refused to say it, we knew she was never going to walk back out of the hospital. So right now, this is the hard part. Waiting for the inevitable, waiting for what we know is coming.
I've been lucky enough that my boss has been understanding, but I can't drop the ball. My life is falling apart, but that doesn't mean I get to let their puzzles collapse. Though, I'm not remotely ashamed to admit that I've been checking my phone about every five minutes, waiting.
"Hey Erin," I hear, a rap on the door accompanying the words.
"Yeah," I reply, trying my best to pull myself out of my fog and pay attention. I look up to see James Cotter, one of the more senior social workers in the office.
"You're the one housing the teenager right?" He asks.
"Yeah, Nina Collins, why?" I ask. I gave up my place as her caseworker a long time ago, knowing that it would be a conflict of interest. But I still get files for her across my desk once in a while.
"I took a look at her file and I think that I might have found a placement for her," He tells me, coming further into my little office to drop a thick file on my desk. "The Modestos, parents are in their late forties, two kids 12 and 14, I think it could be a good fit. Jill already signed off but she wanted to let you look it over,"
"Okay," I say, feeling an odd sense of loss at the thought of her moving out. She's been my rock lately, when I want to cry at the end of a long day and the weight of my problems falls onto me, she's there. She is always there. But I knew that she was never mine, I was a pit stop and I just needed to keep her in good shape until she could move on. Yet, I got attached. They always tell you not to, but I really don't know how you can't. "Thanks James," He nods quickly before leaving me alone to my thoughts.
I swipe aside the files I'm working on to look through the family's files. He's right, they would be a good fit. They look perfect. They'd be able to give her stability and structure, she'd even be able to stay in her school district. On paper, I can't find anything wrong with them, because selfishly, I looked. And then I looked again. Though I never meant for it to happen, that girl has my heart. And I don't want to lose her.
I stare back down at the file in my hands. I gave the okay hours ago. Jill did the homestudy and the interview and just as I suspected, they are perfect. White picket fence and everything. I can't say no. They had a bedroom made up for her and everything, ready to go. It'll be good for her. And it'll be good for me, it'll let me get back to the way that life used to be.
"Is something wrong?" Nina asks, a panic on her face as we stand outside the door of her sixth period class. "Is your mom okay?"
"She's fine, everything is okay," I say, forcing a smile on my face that I'm really hoping doesn't look forced. "I have good news actually,"
"You pulled me out of class for good news?" She jokes. "You do know the art of properly placing commas is fascinating to me,"
"We found you a placement," I blurt out.
"Oh," She says, reacting similarly to me. She doesn't know what to say.
"This is a good thing," I assure her, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze. "This is what we've been waiting for. Jill met with them today and from what she's said, they are amazing. This is good!"
"Yeah," She replies softly. "Yeah it is,"
"Hey," I say looking into those big eyes of hers, "You know I'm not leaving you right? I'm just going to leave you hanging kid."
"I know that," She assures me. "It just won't be the same you know? I like it here, with you."
"I like it here with you too," I tell her. "But we knew this was never permanent right?"
"I know," She says, her eyes dropping to the floor. "Do I have to go back to class?"
"No," I tell her, bringing a laugh with my silver lining. "I thought we'd do lunch, go visit Camille,"
"Please tell me you brought the food, Med's food is so bad," She says with a smile.
"Don't worry, we'll pick something up on the way," I tell her as I sling my arm around her shoulder. "Go grab your stuff, we've got a lot to do."
"Are you going to be okay?" Nina asks me from across Camille's bed, Hank taking a rare nap on the cot the nurses rolled in for him.
"What do you mean?" I ask, taking a bit of the lo mein in front of me, my eyes glancing over Camille's pale, pale body.
"You know," She says, gesturing to Camille. "I just don't like the idea of leaving you alone right now,"
"Oh honey," I say, my heart breaking at her words. "I'm not going to be alone. I have Hank and Justin and Jay, I'm going to be okay. Right now, I need you to focus on you being okay and getting your life together, I'm the grown up here."
"Doesn't mean you don't need me," She says with a smile.
"And you're not losing me, remember that." I tell her with a smile. "I'm always going to be here if you need me, I'm a phone call away, promise."
"Call me anytime, I will be there okay?" I tell Nina as we stand in her new bedroom in her new house, both holding each other tight as I whisper in her ear.
"I know," She tells me, clutching onto me.
"You're going to be okay kid, I know it." I tell her, tears lingering in my eyes, "You are going to make it,"
"You know you were the first good thing to ever happen to me?" She says, pulling away from me, her eyes staring into mine.
"But I surely won't be the last," I assure her, giving her a tender kiss on the forehead. "I love you Nina,"
"I love you too Erin," She says, pulling back. "You should go, I know you have to get back to Camille,"
"Yeah," I reply. "Yeah I do,"
"I'm going to be okay," She tells me, with a heart wrenching look in her eyes, "You go,"
"Okay," I say, picking up my bag from the floor, "You stay here, because if you walk me downstairs I won't ever leave."
"Okay," She tells me.
"You are going to do great things," I tell her with a wink. I catch her biting her lip and holding back a tear as I slip out I her bedroom door. I have to stop myself from turning around and walking right back through that door as I slip down the stairs.
"Take care of her okay?" I say, meeting the mom Laura at the bottom of the stairs. "She's a good kid, she just needs someone to care,"
"We got her," She assures me. "Don't even worry about her,"
"Thanks," I say, slipping out their front door, knowing good and well that there's nothing good that will come out of me telling her that I'll worry anyways. I refuse to let myself look back at the house as I drive away.
"Hey I'm back," I say, walking back into the hospital room, expecting to see Hank and Justin, with Camille asleep in the bed.
"Hey baby," I hear, a raspy voice greeting me.
"Mom?" I say, my voice breaking as I walk further into the room, "You're awake?"
"It sure seems that way doesn't it," She says with a smile, Justin and Hank both noticeably absent from the room.
"Where are Dad and Justin?" I ask her, taking a grateful spot by her side.
"I had them run out and get dinner for us," She tells me, taking my hand in hers. "I already had time with them today, I wanted to talk to my girl."
"I'm here," I say, squeezing her hand tighter.
"Come lay with me," She says, patting the bed next to her.
"Okay," I say, letting a smile creep onto my face as I kick off my shoes and climb into the bed next to her, trying not to wince as I feel the bones in her now frail body. "God we haven't done this since before I went to college,"
"Just making up for lost time," She tells me, the strain in her voice evident. "Baby I'm going to die,"
"Mom we really don't have to talk about this right now,"
"Yes we do," She tells me, as I feel one of her tears drop onto my cheek. "Because I thought I had a lifetime with you, but we are running out of time and I need to give you a life's worth of motherly advice right now."
"I really don't-" I start.
"Don't ever pretend to be dumb to get someone's attention. Just don't do it." She tells me. "Wash your face, I know sometimes you're tired and you really won't want to do it, but just do it. You'll be grateful in the long run. Don't wear heels because you feel like you have to, they're not comfortable and you are perfectly tall enough just the way you are. I mean, if you want to, wear them, but not because everyone else is."
"Okay," I say with a weak giggle.
"Oh and talk to strangers, not creepy weird ones, but nice looking ones, maybe pick someone that's reading a book. They'll teach you a lot about the world,"
"How will I know who's creepy and who isn't?" I ask with a smile.
"Use your judgement, I know yours is good," She tells me with a soft squeeze of my shoulder. "Last thing, for now anyways. If you have kids, raise them how you want to raise them. I know that Jay will probably be in the public eye for the rest of your lives, but try to ignore the cameras and raise those babies how you want to raise them, ignore the rest of the world."
"Mom Jay and I are just dating,"
"Oh Erin," She says, cutting me off, "You and I both know that you're going to marry that boy."
"How's she doing?" Hank asks quietly as he walks back into the room, my brother tailing him.
"Stable," I say from my place in the chair next to her bed. "Not great, but stable."
"Good," He says, "You two talk?"
"Yeah," I tell him.
"She had some time with me and Justin earlier so I;m glad you guys got a chance for just the two of you to talk." He tells me, his voice as raspy as ever.
"She started telling me all the advice that apparently I'll ever need," Justin says longingly as he sits down next to me.
"Me too," I tell him. I bit my lip because I know that means. It means that the end is coming, it's coming soon. "I need to go make a phone call, I'll be back in a minute,"
"Okay hon," My dad tells me as I step out of the room.
I take a deep breath as I leave the sterile hospital room, sinking down to the linoleum floors, ignoring the never ending flow of nurses and doctors in front of me. I quickly unlock my phone and hit the first number on my speed dial. I wait anxiously as it rings and rings again before he finally picks up.
"James Halstead," I hear on the other end. I'm slightly taken aback by the cold and sharp greeting.
"Hey it's me," I reply.
"Oh hey," He responds immediately, his tone swiftly shifting. "I meant to call you, things just got a little crazy over here."
"I know," I reply. Things have been crazy over there for a while.
"What's up?" He asks.
"It's my mom," I reply quietly, "She's going to die soon and I really don't want to be alone when it happens. Jay I need you to come home," There's silence on the other line for a few seconds.
"I'll be on the next flight."
