I am sorry for the constant delays in my posting. I love writing this story and I don't want to give up on it, but my life in insane and I'm struggling to find time to write. I'm not giving up, but I'm going to need all of you to be patient with me and I will post as often as I can. Sorry again for the wait and I hope you enjoy chapter 33!
JAY
"Jay," I hear as I rush out of the crowded airport, still dressed in the now very wrinkled suit and tie I was wearing in the meeting I walked out of.
"Hailey," I say back, catching a glimpse of the petite blonde waiting for me in the lobby. "How is she?"
"Not good," She replies solemnly. "C'mon, let's get you to the hospital."
ERIN
It's just a matter of time now. Those words ring over and over again my head. That's what her doctor said. It's just a matter of time now. Only a matter of time until she dies. Until she's dead.
I've been here, holding her left hand for I don't even know how long, Hank holding her right and Justin seated by her feet. Looking down at her, it's not my mom. She's pale and lifeless, bright blue irises hiding behind thin eyelids. It's a shadow of who she used to be. Like she's already gone.
I keep thinking about time. How we didn't get enough time. How all I want is more time. Or that I'd give anything to slow time down.
JAY
I don't know what to say or what to do. I barely know Camille, I met her maybe five times. But she's everything to Erin. And she is everything to me. I want to take away her pain, just let her be okay again. That's all I want for her, to see that smile again.
"Should we go in?" Hailey asks from beside me. "Do we give them space? I don't know."
"Space," I tell her, totally unsure of my answer. "We need to give them this time with her, being there, it doesn't feel right."
"Yeah,"
"We should stay though right?"
"We'll be here," Hailey says, lying her head on my shoulder, "Whenever she needs us,"
ERIN
I'm right there, holding her hand when the monitors let out that continuous beep. I'm right there, and I can't do anything. She's gone. The nurse next to me quietly shuts off the machine, knowing Camille's wishes. "Time of death," She begins almost silently, "8:34 PM"
I feel a tear slip down my cheek. It doesn't feel real. It can't be real. I feel my heart break as I watch my father lay his head down on her chest, sobbing, shedding the first tears I've seen in all the years we've known each other. Justin slips over, tucking my arm as we hold her hand for our final goodbye. And for a long time, we just stay like that.
JAY
Hailey and I both scramble out of our seats as we see Erin begin to stagger down the long linoleum hallway. I think we both know that it's not going to be good news.
"She's gone," She says, her eyes bloodshot as she looks us at us. "She died."
"Erin," I start, before wrapping her in my arms, not ever wanting to let go. She doesn't reciprocate, she just stands there. Numb.
JAY
"Let me know if you need anything," I say as I linger in the door frame, my girl lying limp in my bed. She doesn't respond.
"Still nothing?" Hailey asks as I walk into the living room of my apartment. Erin's been staying here with me. She hasn't really given her opinion of whether or not she wants to be here or not, but I'm not leaving her alone in her apartment. Hailey and I have been trying to take shifts, making sure that someone is always here with her. I want to stay, I want to be next to her always, but I have to go back to work.
"Nope," I say solemnly as I grab my messenger bag off the kitchen counter. "Just call me if anything happens, I can be here in twenty minutes."
"Go to work Jay," Hailey replies, "I'll be here, studying. Don't worry,"
"You know I'm going to," I respond.
"I know," She tells me. "But I'll be here, so don't feel bad if you don't."
ERIN
I don't want to go. I don't want to go see my mother being dropped into a hole in the ground, never to be seen again. I don't want to hear loved ones recite speeches as people in the church pews cry. I don't want to have the play hostess. I don't want any of it.
"Erin are you ready?" I hear from my spot on the edge of his bed, wearing a black dress I've had since high school. Camille bought it for me.
"Yeah," I reply softly as I slip on the black flats that Hailey picked out for me.
"C'mon," Jay says as he sits down beside him. "We don't want to be late,"
"I don't want to go," I whisper, my voice barely there.
"I know," Jay says, wrapping his strong arms around me as I bury my face in his shoulder, tears flowing freely from my already swollen eyes. "But you're going to be okay, I believe that."
"I don't know," I say, looking at him with red eyes. "She was my mom and she's gone. How do I come back from that?"
"You just do," He tells me, his voice muffled. "It takes time, but you get there. And it'll still hurt, but everyday it'll hurt a little less and then you'll just smile when you think of her and all the good times you had together."
"I hope so,"
JAY
"Jay this isn't healthy," Nora tells me over the phone as I sit unmotivated in my office, surrounded by work. "It's been almost two weeks, she is still barely functioning. You need to get her out of that apartment, reintegrate her into the world,"
"Nor stop," I say, cutting her off. "She's grieving. I don't think I need to remind you what I did after Maddie died."
"And you pulled yourself out of it,"
"Damn it Eleanor!" I exclaim, feeling my anger rise at my sister. "She lost her mother, so I'm going to let her greve. I'm going to giver her as much time as she needs. I don't want to hear anymore about it from you or from anyone else. Okay?"
ERIN
I couldn't stay in that bed any longer. I needed to do something, I needed to do something bigger than myself. So I went to work.
I don't think anyone expected me to be back so soon and all day everyone was walking on eggshells around me, waiting for me to break. I hated it.
Jay's been doing the same thing. I don't blame him, he's waiting for me to snap, so do something absolutely crazy and wig out.
I don't think I'm going to. I grieved. I was incoherent for three weeks. But I'm done. I've come to terms with it. Getting on with my life doesn't mean that I don't miss her or that I don't want her back, it just means that I can't dedicate the rest of my life to missing her. She wouldn't want that. She wanted everything for me. So that's what I'm going to do. I want to do everything.
JAY
"Baby I'm home," I say as I walk through the doors of my apartment. I can't help but be shocked as I smell something cooking in the kitchen. Erin doesn't cook.
"We're in here," She replies, a flurry of voices and laughs surrounding hers.
"Took you long enough," I hear as I'm engulfed in a hug by my older brother. I look around the kitchen to see Natalie at the cooktop with Erin watching intently, a glass of red wine in hand. Hailey in the living room, playing on the floor with Owen.
"What's all this?" I ask Erin as I'm released from my brother's grasp.
"The house was too quiet, for too long," Erin tells me with a smile, that light slowly returning back to her eyes. "I was tired of the quiet. I hope it's okay,"
"Of course," I tell her, pulling her into my arms and giving her a kiss on the temple."Thanks for coming over everybody.
"Anytime," I hear from Hailey, the same grateful look on her face as mine.
ERIN
"So how are things looking in the Halstead camp?" Hailey asks after we've wrapped up dinner, "Election days only a week away,"
"Same as always," Will says with a laugh.
"We've been through this a few times," Jay tells the group, his arm wrapped around my waist as we linger in the kitchen.
"Well Abby is losing her shit with the campaign staff, so Abby's never home which means Emerson isn't sleeping which means Graham isn't sleeping." Will says with a laugh.
"He has called me twice in the past week, begging me to call Abby to tell her to go home," Natalie says with a chuckle, her son blissfully asleep in our bedroom.
"Mom is too calm," Jay adds in, "And Dad is going crazy trying to figure out why Mom is so calm,"
"Everytime," Will says with a smirk. "Have you decided if you're coming to the thing on Election Night?"
"What thing?" Erin asks me. I knew this was coming. I should have talked to her about it earlier.
"Mom's big speech, you know assuming she wins. She'll give a great big speech for a bunch of people in Grant Park," I tell her.
"Well of course you're going right?" She asks me. "It's her victory speech,"
"I don't know," I tell her. As those words leave my mouth, I can see all the pieces slide into place. The last time I was on a big stage and my mom gave a big speech, I got shot. My sister died. "What do you think?"
"Whatever you want to do, I'll understand," She tells me as she gives my forearm a light squeeze. "But I think you should go."
"You do?" I ask her.
"Yeah," She says. "We're going to be fine. And it's your mom, you should all be there,"
"You willing to come with me?" I ask her.
"Of course," She tells me with that sweet smile. "I wouldn't miss i
JAY
"I'm so excited," Erin tells me as curls her hair next to me in the bathroom, much of which has been taken over by her products.
"It's just a vote," I tell her, enthused by her enthusiasm. "You've done this before."
"It's so much more than just a vote!" She exclaims, letting another curl fall to her shoulders. "I'm voting for your mom, for President! That's so cool!"
"My mom is already the President," I tell her as I draw a stripe of toothpaste on my toothbrush. "You've met her several times,"
"Don't crush my happy," She says, grabbing the last section of her hair. "It's election day!"
"That it is," I reply with a smile, pressing a kiss to her rosey lips. "Four more years,"
"Four more years!" She chants back to me as I laugh and shake my head. I really did find the perfect woman.
JAY
"Hey," I say as we drive to the polls, Erin's eyes directed at the email on her phone.
"What's up?" She asks, looking at me with those perfect hazel eyes.
"Move in with me," I say.
"What?" She asks.
"Move in with me," I say again. "All your stuff is already at my place, we're never at your apartment. You love me, I love you. Let's live together,"
"Jay," She starts. I know by the look on her face that she's trying to find a reason to say no.
"Stop," I tell her, reaching over to grab her hand. "Stop trying to find reasons to say no, just say yes."
"Fine," She says with a grin. "I would love to move in with you."
"Good," I say with a satisfied grin as we pull up the elementary school where we'll be casting our votes. "Let's go,"
As a reminder to all my readers in the United States, tomorrow is Election Day! Get out to the polls and vote!
Thanks for reading,
Addie
