A/N: Hmm… I'm still having trouble deciding what exactly I should do with the miniseries. I mean, I did have it partially planned out, but there are still some major gaps in it and I'm not sure how I should fill them. I suppose I could just worry less about the sub-plot and try to focus mainly on the childhood romance between Kurogane and Fai but I've already laid some groundwork in the first chapter for a plot development that I have no idea what to do with. Plus I haven't been happy with the progress I've been making on that next chapter. So I decided to be lame again and pull out this thing that I've had most of the way written and sitting around for a while. This was one can of worms that Clamp pretended that they were going to open and then didn't, because they're mean, so I'm going to do it for them. So there.
WARNING, MILD SPOILERS FOR VOLUME 13!!
Yearn
Fai glanced up at the ninja out of the corner of his eye for about the thousandth time that day. The dark-haired man stared determinedly forward, but there was a faraway look in his scarlet eyes that suggested that he wasn't as present mentally as he was physically. Figuring that Kurogane was probably too preoccupied with his thoughts to notice anyway, Fai chanced a more direct look at him, studying his expression carefully.
Behind those intense eyes, Fai could sense some kind of battle going on in Kurogane's head, a battle that the blond himself had waged more times than he could count and thus recognized instantly in his companion. Kurogane had the look of a man who was clashing with some demons from his past that he could have sworn he locked away long ago, never to be released again. Fai wondered fleetingly what kind of torment Kurogane was facing as the rest of them made their way obliviously towards the cheap hotel they were staying in that night, but quickly squashed his desire to know, reminding himself sternly that it was none of his business.
The younger two travelers and Mokona walked slightly ahead of them, Syaoran wearing an expression that was strikingly similar to his temporary father figure's. Fai couldn't help feeling just a little bit envious of Syaoran for being the one who happened to open that mysterious book back in the Lecourt Country library. He was deeply curious as to what the boy could have seen from Kurogane's past that could cause tears to stream down his face like that and Kurogane to suddenly become so withdrawn and distant.
Fai looked back at the warrior thoughtfully. The grim line of his mouth and slight furrow in his brow would not have seemed unusual to the casual observer, but to Fai, the master of masked emotions, they revealed a level of pain and loneliness that he had never seen in Kurogane before. To tell the truth, it made his heart ache to see him this way. He wanted more than anything to put his arms around Kurogane's broad shoulders, pull him close and reassure him that everything would be ok and that he was willing to listen if there was anything that he wanted to say.
Something suddenly drew Kurogane's attention back to the present and he blinked as if was just now starting to take notice of his surroundings for the first time since they had left the café. He noticed Fai staring and his frown became more pronounced. "What's your problem?" he growled. "Why the hell do you keep looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?"
Fai gave him a smile that was tinged with sadness and shook his head. "No, it's nothing Kurosama."
The magician knew better than to offer Kurogane comfort. For one thing it would be an insult to the swordsman's manly pride and would embarrass him deeply, and for another thing it would be like granting Kurogane permission to ask questions about his personal life and that was something he could not allow. Talks about feelings and each other's histories were strictly off limits between the two of them. Fai knew this, but still he couldn't help but wish it weren't so.
Kurogane snorted doubtfully. "If I look in the mirror when we get to the hotel and find out there's mayonnaise on my nose or something, I'll kick your ass."
"Don't worry, Kuropun," Fai laughed. "I would never let you walk around with mayonnaise on your nose."
"Hmph," he replied dubiously before sinking back into his brooding.
The hotel they were staying in was far from luxurious. The rooms were small and sparsely furnished and smelled strangely of grandmas. Kurogane grumbled about this briefly but was basically still too preoccupied to be really bothered by it. Fai didn't especially like it either but figured that the smell had something to do with the sign they had seen in the lobby about reduced rates for senior citizens. But aside from the mild scent of old people, the rooms were otherwise clean and Fai supposed that was really all they could ask for when they were paying as little as they were.
As he stepped into the tiny, cramped shower, his mind drifted back to Kurogane and his current emotional state. He was glad that they had at least been able to afford two separate rooms so that he could finally have some time alone with the ninja. But, he reminded himself for what felt like the hundredth time, he still couldn't offer Kurogane any direct comfort. Even in the extremely unlikely event that Kurogane was willing to accept it, it would break down the wall that Fai was working so hard to keep between them (despite the fact that it seemed to be growing smaller all the time). The thought of taking Kurogane into his arms made Fai shiver with a mixture of desire and dread. No matter how much he wanted to, no matter how tempting it was, he must restrain himself.
Fai closed his eyes, washing the shampoo out of his hair. He couldn't believe that he was even having this conflict with himself. From the moment he had met Kurogane and the others at Yuuko's shop, he had firmly decided not to get involved emotionally with any of these people. This was not something he was doing just for giggles; this was a serious matter of life or death here. If he let himself become attached to them, to even one of them, they would very likely end up hurt or dead. But if he was so determined to keep them at arm's length, why did it cause him such pain to see them suffering? Fai tried to tell himself that it was a reaction that any decent human being would have to seeing someone, even if that person was a stranger, in pain, but when he was completely honest with himself, he wasn't sure that it didn't go far beyond that.
When Fai came out of the bathroom, all the lights were off and Kurogane was in the far bed, his back to the mage, blankets pulled up to his shoulders as though he was asleep. Fai glanced at the clock that sat on the nightstand between their two beds and saw that it was only eight thirty. Kurogane never went to bed this early.
The sorcerer sighed, knowing that Kurogane was doing this as a wordless warning to Fai that he was not in the mood to discuss what had gone on that day. Fai had used this cue himself with the ninja on previous occasions and, however curious Fai could tell that he was, so far Kurogane had always respected his wishes. And as someone who had taken this course of action himself so many times, Fai knew very well that Kurogane was wide awake. He could feel the relentless pain of someone who had recently had old wounds rudely and unexpectedly torn open again radiating from his side of the room and it left him frozen there in indecision. Part of him was yelling at him to screw the rules and rush to Kurogane's side, while the other half shouted with nearly the same amount of conviction that he would only be digging his own grave if he so much as approached his companion's bubble of personal space.
Before Fai's brain had even come close to making a decision, his feet began to carry him forward, around his own bed and right to the edge of Kurogane's. He stood there silently for a few more seconds before timidly sitting down. His action brought a new wave of emotion from Kurogane, though this one was a little more difficult to decipher. It seemed to be a mixture of surprise, confusion, profound anger and pain, and just a hint of something else which Fai thought could have been hopefulness but he was hesitant to identify it as such because it seemed pretty unlikely. But it was as though he was no longer in control of his own body because although he was trying to order himself to get up and walk away, his legs refused to move.
"Kurosama, I…" he paused, having absolutely no idea how he had been planning to continue this sentence. Then his lips started moving again, and words were coming out and there wasn't a damn thing he could do to stop himself. "…I know I might be out of line with this…and that you probably don't want any sympathy from me…"
Kurogane gave a small grunt of agreement.
"…But I just wanted to let you know… if you need something to hold onto, I'm right here for you…ok?"
For a long while, Kurogane said nothing and Fai wasn't sure if this was a good sign or a bad one. Eventually, he felt the need to take some kind of action so he put his hand tentatively on the warrior's shoulder. Still Kurogane gave no reaction. Fai took this to mean that Kurogane appreciated the offer but didn't plan on taking him up on it. After all, if the idea had repulsed him Fai was sure that he would have had no hesitation about jerking away from him. He couldn't honestly say that he was surprised by this reaction; he hadn't kidded himself for even a second by entertaining the idea that Kurogane would throw himself into his arms and cry hysterically while Fai comforted him. Still, it hurt a little to be refused like this.
"Well, suit yourself, Kurotan," Fai said in a deceptively light, singsong voice. "I guess I'll say goodnight, then."
The blond began to stand up but nearly jumped out of his skin when a strong hand suddenly grabbed his forearm. Fai put a hand on his chest to calm his pounding heart and gave a small sigh of relief when he saw that it was Kurogane's hand that had stopped him and not some uninvited stranger's. It took him a moment to register that this was Kurogane asking him to stay. When it finally clicked, all he could do was stare numbly at the hand closed firmly around his arm. This couldn't be happening; it must be a dream or a hallucination of some sort.
"You gonna lie down or what?" Kurogane grumbled in a strangely muffled voice as he moved over to make room for Fai.
Still hardly daring to believe that this was happening, Fai obediently took his place beside the ninja, not wanting to push his luck by hesitating too long. Once Fai was lying down next to him, Kurogane pulled the slim body close, burying his face in the wizard's chest. Fai slowly began stroking his hair, feeling a little bit awkward but, at the same time, all warm and fuzzy inside. His heart fluttered nervously in his chest, highly aware that this marked the first time that Kurogane had allowed him to comfort him. And now that it was happening, Fai found that he couldn't make himself care about the boundary he had promised himself that he would keep between the two of them.
Kurogane didn't say anything as they held each other. He didn't make a single sound or move, save for the slight rising and falling of his chest as he breathed. Fai couldn't tell if he was crying or not but knew better than to check. Judging by his complete lack of any abnormal movement it seemed unlikely, but Fai could feel a wet spot on his shirt where Kurogane's cheek was pressed against it. Though that could have just been from where his wet hair had dripped on him as he had been drying it after his shower. The mere thought of the ninja crying made Fai's heart melt, and before he was even fully aware of what he was doing the wizard was pressing a series of soft kisses to Kurogane's forehead and neck. Fai gasped as he caught himself and hurriedly pulled his lips away from Kurogane's tan skin.
"I'm sorry, Kurochuu…" he whispered. "I…I shouldn't have done that…"
There was an awkward pause before Fai pushed against Kurogane. "I think… I should go back to my own bed now…"
Fai was about to pull himself away but Kurogane's hold around his waist tightened so that the sorcerer found himself unable to go anywhere. Suddenly, he could feel Kurogane's lips working their way up the side of his neck and he froze.
"Ku…Kurosama…we…we shouldn't…" he stammered, "we can't…"
The swordsman's mouth finally reached his, engaging it passionately in a way that made Fai's heart burn and soar at the same time.
"…Since when have you cared… about following rules?" Kurogane breathed in his ear.
Fai hesitated, genuinely unsure about what course of action to take. Kurogane waited for him to make a decision and though it was clear from the way he kept touching Fai's pale skin with his lips what he wanted, he restrained himself from any more actual kissing. The blond bit his bottom lip uncertainly. His delicate fingers touched Kurogane's cheek, as if hoping to find an answer there.
His fingertips were met with moisture. Fai thought he felt his heart stop all over again. So Kurogane had been crying, then? It seemed so unlikely, so out of character, and yet… Perhaps it was from being pressed against the wet spot on Fai's shirt? Kurogane jerked away slightly when Fai touched the damp area on his cheek, as if he was embarrassed that the wizard had found it. Fai felt slightly ashamed of himself for trying to look into the matter. He knew that in spite of his rough exterior, Kurogane was actually kind of a shy person, especially when it came to his own feelings. Besides, Fai wouldn't want Kurogane to do this to him if he had found him crying. Trying to make up for his moment of thoughtlessness, Fai finally gave in to Kurogane's pressure and his own desires and kissed the ninja's lips again.
"I think you're a bad influence on me, Kuropipi," Fai muttered.
"Shut up," Kurogane grumbled, his breath hot against Fai's neck. "You're the one who started this."
He had a point there; if Fai hadn't come over here to offer Kurogane comfort, none of this would even be happening.
"You know what this means, now, don't you?" Kurogane said, bringing Fai out of his reverie.
"Hmm? What's that, Kuropyon?"
"Next time something like this happens to you…" Kurogane stopped there but Fai knew exactly what he meant and where he was headed with it. By coming to console the ninja, Fai had given Kurogane permission to do the same if he noticed some time in the future that Fai's heart was broken. Fai recoiled inwardly at the thought but didn't pull away.
"…Well, I guess we'll see, Kuromyuu," he said somberly. The blond honestly couldn't imagine Kurogane wanting to do this for him if he found out what Fai was keeping from them. Kurogane snorted dubiously but said nothing. That, he decided, was a battle best saved for another day.
A/N: That wasn't too much like the previous chapter, was it? I don't know. Whatever. I blame my lameness on this stupid strep-throat-type-thing that's been hassling me for the past four days. I can't write anything decent with it eating my brain like it is. Bleargh….
