A/N Thank you to all the people who have taken the time to review this story. As you might know, this is my first chapter story and I'm working hard on it to make it something enjoyable. I'm very proud of it so far and the other stories I have posted. I don't claim to be a professional writer or perfect at writing so if there are mistakes they are mine alone. Unfortunately, I don't own Harry Potter and all things Harry Potter. This story is almost done, only two more chapters after this one. Please review at the end of the chapter, it would mean a great deal to me to know what you think, good or bad. Ok, well enjoy!
Chapter 8
Harry made his way through the path towards the clearing. His heart beating fast and his breathing labored. He's nervous. Wiping his palms on his thighs, he wills himself to relax and trust in Tate's words. It will be all right. He hopes so. Thinking of seeing Severus face to face sends his stomach a flutter and his breakfast on the move. He has to stop and collect himself. Touching his chest and sighing with the calmness that engulfs him, he then puts his hands on his knees and bends over; breathing in and out several times to settle his stomach. It has been so long since he's been face to face with this man and the last time they were together it was awful. He said many things that were hurtful and mean and hard to forget. Actually, Harry never contemplated seeing this man again and therefore never thought about forgiving him for the words that sent him away. Why should he think of the worst day of his life when he had a family to take care of? His babies being the only good thing that came out of his crazy difficult life. And losing Conner didn't help his peace of mind at the time. If it weren't for Lizzy keeping him on task and reminding him every day that there was another baby who needed him, he would have fallen into despair and probably never resurfaced.
Shaking his head, Harry looked forward and surveyed the path. It's just how he remembered, peaceful, beautiful, and fragrant. The smells alone are sending memories flying across his mind. His stomach starts to flip again, this is too much, and he rubs at the Jaguar wishing it to give him courage along with the calm reassurance and he turns back thinking this is a bad idea. He thought he could do it, but the memory of that day in his office just won't go away. The way Severus looked at him and said those awful words just kept flashing in between all the good memories that are making their presence known. Memories he has worked so hard to forget, to lock away never to be viewed again. He walks forward looking for the entrance of the path with eyes that are screaming 'get me out of here! I can't do this now!'.
"Merlin, what's wrong with me?" Pacing back and forth, trying to convince himself that he should go back inside the Forrest. He knows that this is what the last few days have been leading up to, but he's having a hard time getting past the hurt that Severus inflicted upon him. Not even touching his chest is enough to convince his heart to move forward and confront the man who is his husband. Even though he knows about the bond, the fact that Severus said those words to him and left him won't leave him and because of that he's questioning what to do. Why did he leave me? Send me away if he loved me so much? I just don't understand how he could throw me out of his life so easily if his love was so true and pure. What happened that made Severus feel that pushing me away was the right thing to do? Realizing where his thoughts were heading and not wanting to confront Severus with doubt, he came to the realization that Severus didn't act on his own. As he glanced up at the Castle, he wasn't sure what he expected but maybe, just maybe someone put a bug in Severus' ear and he felt he had no choice but to end things. Who would be so meddlesome as to separate two people in love? What could have forced Severus to be so ruthless to someone he loved so much? Harry looked around the grounds hoping to see…what? Someone to answer his unspoken questions? Laughing at himself, "Right, get a grip Harry."
Squaring his shoulders and coming to a decision, he doesn't turn to the Forrest but heads to the Castle instead. There is only one person Harry feels knows more than he ever let on, and maybe it's time he paid his old mentor a brief visit before confronting his old lover and husband. Finding the courage to step back into the Castle for the first time since the Battle, he finds himself in front the Gargoyle. Stuck without a password, he is surprised when it moves aside to allow him entrance. Quirking an eyebrow at the display but not questioning it, Harry moves onto the stairway and rides it up.
Finding the door to the Headmaster's office slightly open, he gathers himself and pushes the door open to reveal the empty office. How lucky can he be to enter the Castle unnoticed and then come to this office and have no one here. Relieved that he's gotten this far without running into anyone, he steps in and looks to the center portrait, the one of a sleeping Albus Dumbledore.
Clearing his throat to wake the sleeping man, Harry stands directly in front of the portrait and waits. He can feel the eyes of the other Headmasters watching him and tries to ignore them and keep his attention straight ahead.
"Harry Potter, I never thought I'd see the day when you would be back here in this office." Came the snide remark from Headmaster Dippet. Harry just glanced at him from the corner of his eyes but didn't respond. He's not here to chit-chat with the others, just this man in front of him. "Hmph! Manners boy! Don't you know it's polite to answer someone when they talk to you?" He chided. At this, Harry turned his face to the painting and smiled. "Oh, were you addressing me? Please forgive me Headmaster, I didn't realize that that required a response. Most people are not so obtuse, but I'm not here to speak with you or any other former Headmaster except Albus. So, do us both a favor and keep your snide comments to yourself and if you feel that you cannot do that, then please leave." Harry said this with contempt and he didn't care how it was taken, he doesn't have to take that kind of treatment anymore from anyone.
"Well, I…" The former Headmaster started.
"Dippet." Albus' voice cut him off and with just one look from the newest hanging member, Dippet grumbled a "Well I never!" and left his picture. As did all the other Headmasters.
Turning his gaze at the man before him, Albus smiled and turned on the sparkling eyes and said, "Harry, it's been awhile. I wish I could say this is unexpected, but it is not. I had a feeling I would be seeing you in the near future just not this soon." He stood from his chair, he looked older than Harry remembered, and Albus' face fell some at the look on Harry's face. "Ask your questions, Harry, and I'll answer truthfully." He nodded to Harry and waited for the questions he really didn't want to hear let alone answer. But knowing Harry like he did, he knew Harry deserved the truth.
"Hello Albus, I'm sorry I never came to see you, but I always felt talking to a picture about things from the past to be a little strange. But coming here today I just felt compelled to see you and talk to you. I suppose you know I'm here to see Severus." At this, Albus nodded. "I'm not usually the skittish type, but I'm finding myself scared and anxious about seeing him again." Rubbing at his chest and visibly relaxing, he sits down in the Headmistress' chair and looks pleadingly to Albus. "I want to see him, I need to see him but part of me is just…I mean, I'm just…bullocks! Albus! He said some awful things to me, treated me so terribly, and although I want to look past all that, I'm finding it difficult to forget. I have already forgiven him in my heart, but he couldn't have acted alone. I mean, I don't think he acted on his own accord." Harry watches his old mentor and suddenly things start to click.
Albus looked concerned and rubbed his face, walking to the other side of his parlor, he wondered how Harry would take the news of what he had to tell him. He really did mean well, he thought what he was doing was the best for both men. How did this turn into such a mess and the two men possibly hating him for it? But before he could start his story Harry spoke.
"Tell me Albus, did you know about us before you passed, or did you find out after the fact." Harry spoke to with just a hint of sarcasm. "I always assumed you didn't know but I've been thinking about the past a lot lately and I'm finding it hard to believe that you didn't know. I mean, you're Albus Dumbledore, the all-knowing-Headmaster of Hogwarts, so you had to know, right?" Without even letting Albus talk, Harry kept going with this train of thought, "So, I'm asking myself…what would I do if I knew a teacher and a student were having an affair." Harry looked right through Albus and Albus shuttered. "I think I would discourage the affair. Threaten the older person to end it so I wouldn't have to deal with cleaning up the mess that was sure to happen; one to Azkaban and the other expelled." Using his hands to help tell his story. "And, there's a war going on to boot, and the two involved are influential in the war efforts." Looking into crystal blue eyes, asking the question again mentally because verbally is just too hard at this point. Albus sighed and sat down.
"You are correct in everything, Harry, I did find out about the two of you but only on the day you were bonded." The older man said defeated.
"Come again?" Harry couldn't believe his ears. Did he just say he knew they were bonded?! "Please tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, Professor." Harry bit out. Feeling like he could channel Severus' anger right now. His magic leaking out and touching the edge of the former Headmaster's frame. Jumping out of his chair and fisting his hands at his sides. "You son of a bitch! You knew we were bonded and you purposely separated us!". His magic whipped around the office but not really affecting anything but the portrait in front of him. "Do you know what you did?! Do you even care what you did?!" He screamed. Panting hard and trying to focus on the present and not the past, he rubbed at his chest, "How could you?" he said so low but Albus heard him anyway.
Flashback-
"Harry?"
Shit! Putting on a smile and covering his eyes with his bangs as much as he could, Harry turns slightly around so he can just see his best friend. "Hey Hermione. Can we maybe talk later? I'm kind of tired and really want to lay down." He doesn't talk louder than a whisper, but she heard him anyway.
"Are you all right? You look awful? Are you catching a cold?" She inquired. Her motherly instincts kicking in as soon as she saw him enter the common room. He looks so tired and something else she can't quite put her finger on. "Did everything go ok with…" she trailed off when he turned back around and started back up the steps.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok? I'm fine Hermione, just…tired." He said over his shoulder and disappeared into the room.
Once by his bed, Harry stripped down to his boxers and climbed in. He spelled his bedcurtains closed and locked. He put up a couple of silencing charms before he settled into his bed for the foreseeable future. Turning his face into his pillow he cried. Loud heart wrenching wails of hurt and despair. With no one to hear him, he didn't hold back. What just happened? What did I do? How can he say those things to me when just the other day we made love on that very desk? I don't understand! He cried even harder, his eyes becoming puffy, his vision blurry from all the tears and his face red and streaked with old and new water tracks. His magic flaring around him but not settling which in turn had his stomach flipping and his breathing harsh. Turning onto his back he closed his eyes trying to clear his thoughts enough to settle his shaky body. Evening out his breathing enough to let his body feel, he started crying all over again. This pain he feels is worse than anything the Dursley's ever did to him. The difference between them and Severus is he actually loves Severus. So much so that this is a harsh reality to swallow, but he told himself earlier tonight that he would do what needed to be done and then he would take care of himself. Taking in a shuttered breath and allowing more tears to fall, he curled up into a ball and tried to fall asleep. Maybe this will all be a dream in the morning.
Harry didn't emerge from his bed for five days. Not even Ron bringing him food to the bed would he open his curtains. He just wasn't ready for the outside world when his world was falling apart. The thought of not seeing Severus anymore still stung his eyes and turned his stomach. Just knowing he would never touch him again was so devastating he wished for death. Thinking death would be better than living a cold dead life. Still, when he would think back to all the times he was with the man, he never got the impression or the feeling he was being played. He knows Severus is a good spy and can act his way through the toughest situations, but to act as if he loved him when all he really wanted was sex is just unfathomable to Harry, no one is that good. And if all he wanted was just sex he could have went anywhere for that. So, what was it? Was it revenge for his father? For Sirius?
They had their life all planned out together. A life he thought they both wanted. How stupid he feels now….used… and dirty. The things he let that man do to him and vice versa. Harry couldn't help but feel so helpless, so lost, and so incomplete but mostly so very sad that his dreams have been shattered. Coming to a decision, Harry feels his emotions settling in and he hopes he will be able to carry out what he's been working out in his head these past five days. He will go on like nothing has happened because he is not going to tell his best friends. He doesn't want their pity and I-told-you-so looks. He will go to Gringotts and set up a new identity for his life after the war, provided he survives. He will continue to train and research spells to defeat Voldemort even without Severus and when the time comes, he will fight. And if he survives, he will leave Britain and start a new life away from everything 'Harry Potter'. He just can't stay here any longer than necessary, the memories would suffocate him. It's been five days since anyone has seen him and it's time to put himself back together and rejoin the living and to get his schoolwork completed. After all, he will need his education for when he leaves this school to start his new life.
After taking a long hot shower and getting dressed, Harry heads down to the Great Hall for breakfast. It's early and only a few students are in the Hall and no teachers are there yet. Good, he's not sure he can handle seeing him this early, Potions class will be difficult enough. Grabbing some toast with jam, he heads out to the lake for some needed fresh air. Finding his favorite spot under a tree, he sits himself down on the ground and looks over the lake. His mind going over everything he wants to do from here on out and reassuring himself that he can do it. Yes, he has a plan for himself, a plan for surviving this war and for the life he wants for himself afterwards. It won't be easy, doing this without Ron and Hermione, but they deserve their happiness too and he will not endanger them anymore. Coming to an understanding with himself, he finishes his toast and continues to look over the lake.
End flashback—
Coming back to himself, Harry glares at the former Headmaster, almost at a loss for words. Almost…
"I looked up to you! You sanctimonious bastard!" Harry's magic filled the air, and he touched his chest absent mindedly. "Who the hell are you to decide someone else's heart?! Someone's else's wants and desires?!" His pupils blown from anger and he bit out. "I always wondered what I did to push him away." Harry started again, his voice low and even. "I never understood how he could have done what he said he did. It just didn't fit the Severus I knew. For years I played that scene back in my head, over and over again, and I could never figure it out. Finally, I had to stop thinking about it or I would have drove myself crazy. So, I did. I stopped thinking about him and how I felt about him. I took all those memories of our time together and that day and pushed them out of my mind. I had to learn to live in the now and not dwell in the past. Plus, the fact I had a child to care for." He stopped here to take a breath and gather his thoughts and Albus took this as an opportunity to speak.
"Harry, Merlin Harry, I'm so sorry. There's nothing I could ever say to you that would make what I did any better. I have failed you and Severus. I will forever regret my actions back then. I never meant to harm either of you, I only ever wanted the best possible outcome for both of you and I thought that would be achieved separately. I felt that the both of you would let your feelings for each other get in the way of the task at hand." Albus looked to his former student with sadden eyes and willed him to understand where he was coming from. Looking around the office, which Minerva has made her own, he stops at the perch still in the corner of the office. Just where he left it all those years ago. A thought came to him. "Harry…" But Harry finally figured out what he wanted to say.
Harry bellowed, "You knew we were bonded! You persuaded Severus to break up with me! You knew what I was going through that week I stayed in my room and yet you never said anything to me!" He bit out through clenched teeth, "You never came to talk to me, never even invited me to your office to discuss my whereabouts for that week or any other time I went missing. What were you thinking, Headmaster? What were you doing all that time; sitting in your office eating lemon drops and thinking 'oh well, they'll get over it'?!" Harry was losing it. He could feel his magic rippling on his skin, it wanted to lash out and he just manages to reigned it back.
Taking a step toward the portrait and bringing his hands together, his magic sparkling from his fingertips, "You never told me about the bond and, I'm guessing, you never told Severus because he never sought me out. He kept his distance from me up until the final battle and even then he kept his distance. Yes, he protected my back and helped with the Death Eaters, but never once did he try to approach me and tell me anything, even when the battle was over." Shaking his head to forget about that day. "I watched him from the Forrest when it was finally over, and I thought about going to him, but I just couldn't get past the venom and the look on his face that day." Staring glassy eyed at the Headmaster, he thought back to that time and felt himself remember the feelings going through his mind and body. He quietly gathered himself, sadness pouring from his heart and he gave Severus one more longing look before turning his back on him and walking into the Forrest, to an area just outside the Wards. Apparating to an Alley behind Gringotts, he didn't look back only forward to his future. He had a family to protect now.
Sparks of magic are playing around his fingers and his eyes glow with intense emotion before he looked up at the former Headmaster. "How could you do this to us?" he asks again feeling so much despair and sorrow.
With wide eyes staring at the open display of controlled magic, Albus finally found his voice "Harry, I know now what a mistake it was to convince Severus to end it with you. And you should know that it took me quite a while to convince him to see it my way. I was unprepared for the amount of affection he held for you even knowing you were bonded. Seeing him defend you, disobeying me so adamantly and watching him break down in tears in front of me when he finally gave in. It tore me apart inside." Here, he pounded his heart. "I felt awful for what I did but I still felt it was the right thing for both of you at the time, to ensure your survival. I am so very sorry that I didn't trust you and Severus, that I didn't tell you two about the bond when I realized you two didn't know, and I'm so very sorry that I kept you two apart when it's obvious that you belong together. Harry, Severus has never been the same since you left. I feel he wasn't living, just surviving each day in hopes the next one might be better. I did that to him, and I've regretted it ever since. Do you think you could ever forgive me?"
"I don't know Albus. Forgiving you right now is not an option I will entertain at the moment. I came in here on a hunch, to quell my curiosity about why Severus broke it off. I don't feel any better than I did before I walked in here, but at least I know more of the truth now. " Bouncing the magic between his hands "I really just want to burn your portrait right now." Harry bit out, then sighed realizing that wouldn't get him very far.
Albus didn't smile and he didn't sparkle, but he did lock eyes with Harry and very seriously he said "You control your magic very well Harry. I would very much like to not go up in flames, if you please." Seeing the boy as a man and a powerful one at that gave Albus pride even though he didn't have the right to feel it. "Go to him Harry. He knows everything I did, and he knows about the bond, as you probably have figured out already. He needs his family, he need you and your love and comfort. I feel he will go insane looking for you if you don't go to him first." Albus turned and sat in his chair picking up his tea cup. "He's planning on leaving in search for you but I'm sure he is still here. You shouldn't be afraid to face him, Harry. What happened all those years ago was more my doing than his. The doubt you're feeling is unfounded to be sure and I'm almost positive he will welcome you with open arms. I know he's feeling more than his fair share of guilt over what he did to you and a great deal of regret as well. He's seen his children, Harry. He knows what he threw away, at my insistence, and he's hurting just as much as you are, maybe a little more." He looked to Harry and sighed. "Go find him. Where's that Gryffindor courage you had while in school?"
Harry wanted to keep screaming at the man, wanted to curse that picture off the wall and watch it burn. However, he's seen the real man loving his dead son, teaching him, and guiding him. He's seen how Conner loves him and worships him, so if his dead son can forgive this man for what he did, then Harry can leave this portrait undamaged but not entirely intact. Lifting his wand and silently casting while waving it in a circle, Harry smiled knowingly at the old man "Albus, what you did seems so illogical and not something I would have expected you to ever do. That makes this even more painful. You hurt me, wounded me right here in my heart" touching his chest. He was surprised when tingles went through his arm. He had forgotten about the tattoo and the calming magic of his beloved. Placing his hand flat over the tattoo, closing his eyes, and taking in a long breath, he looked back to the former Headmaster "Your meddling, no matter how good your intentions are, will happen no more. I've seen to that. And from now on you can only be heard by the other portraits and Conner. No one else will be able to converse with you unless I deem it. Conner loves his Gampa and that is the only reason I haven't destroyed your painting." Feeling satisfied with the look of horror on the other man's face, Harry turned and left the office.
Severus sat on the bench in the glade and looked around at the scenery. It's been a long time since he's been here. And after the battle and Harry's disappearance he just couldn't bring himself here. This place where he spent so much time with Harry; healing, talking, making love, or just watching the stars. This was their 'away place' when they just wanted to be with each other and no one else. So, being back here, seeing the same design of foliage and smelling the familiar scents is hard. It's painful and sitting on this bench he tries not to hyperventilate as he tries to stay focused on his plans for searching out Harry. Taking the letter from Arthur out of his robes and rereading it through, he now has a beginning point to start his search for Harry. This Ethan Morningside owns one of the most reputable warding companies in England. In fact, he's thought of hiring this company to ward his business when he finally left Hogwarts and opened his own Apothecary.
Sighing and replacing the letter in his robes, he squints up at the sun and decides it's getting too hot. Standing and removing his teaching robes, laying it carefully over the bench, he begins to roll up his sleeves to the elbow. He ponders the fact that if Conner hadn't brought him here he would have never come back here…too many memories; memories of a happier life. Where is that child, he said he would be right back.
That child. Such a beautiful boy, and to think what Harry must have gone through when he lost his baby…our baby. Will I find him? And if I do, will he want to see me? I know he knows about the bond now, we found out at the same time, but will that make a difference to him? I was so callous, so heartless towards him that bloody awful day. I wish I could go back to that day and do it all over again. I never should have ended things with Harry. My life hasn't been the same since that day, I haven't been the same. I miss him so much. But now that I know about the bond and my son, I want it. I need him as much now as I did that first day I realized I was in love with him.
Flashabck-
"Are you kidding me? Come on Severus! Why are you purposely throwing first year hexes? I thought you wanted me to beat the Dark Lord not tickle him?" Harry barked out. Moving back into a defense position, prepared for whatever the man threw at him. But Severus just stood there, arms and wand at his side looking at Harry with a blank stare.
"Severus! Hello, are you in there?" waving his hand in front of his face "Severus? You're scaring me." Finally, Severus looked at him, his eyes taking a second to focus. Harry could tell when his thought process kicked in. "Day dreaming? What's got into you today? Are you ill?...Severus?" Harry said concerned. Now he's worried that maybe there is something wrong. Is it Voldemort? "Hey, talk to me, what's going on?"
Severus looked at Harry, really looked at him and found that he couldn't stop looking at him. He's so beautiful. So strong, not just physically but mentally as well. And his eyes, so green and expressive, so easy to get lost in, which he has several times today and in the past. However, today he's getting lost in his own feelings. Feelings he never realized he could possess until just this minute. He realized he had fallen in love. So deeply in love with Harry that the thought of losing him to Voldemort is crushing. Merlin. Looking over Harry's face, memorizing it with his eyes because touching something so precious is out of his realm. I just want to kiss those lips, taste him, devour him, make love to him, feel him under me and around me. I want to claim him as mine. Lost in his wishful thinking, he didn't notice Harry coming toward him and stopping a few feet away.
"Severus, what are you looking at? Do I have something on my face?" Worried by the silent older man, Harry began to fidget, and he put his wand away. "Sev?"
That was it. That was the push he needed and before he could tell himself this was a bad idea, he strode forward and captured Harry's face in both hands and kissed him. Softly, oh so gently. The kiss wasn't very long but long enough that Severus brought his body flush with Harrys. Not opening his eyes, he kept hold of Harry's face just a bit tighter and turned his head the other way and kissed him again. This time they both opened their mouths and no prompting was needed. They tasted each other, explored each other's mouth and Harry ran his tongue over the older man's front teeth and deepened the kiss even more. Severus moved one hand into the soft black hair and fisted it while the other hand moved to the small of the younger man's back. Meanwhile, Harry brought his arms around the taller man's torso to his back, sliding them up to the shoulders then down to the top his Severus' arse and pulled the man closer to him. Both moaning, loudly and wantonly. When they parted, they just stared at each other before Severus smiled "I've been wanting to do that all day."
"Bloody hell, I've been wanting to do that for months." Harry smiled back and initiated another mind-blowing kiss. He knew Severus would be a good kisser, the man excels in everything he does. When they finally separated they stared at each other for a minute before walking over to the window seats.
"Harry" Severus said while thumbing Harrys cheek. "Harry, I don't know when or how it happened, but I have very strong feelings for you." That was putting it mildly. What he felt at this moment was pure euphoria, elation at being able to touch his skin and taste that mouth. Never has he felt these feelings before, even when he thought he loved Lily Evans. This most definitely is love but that word scares the shite out of him. No one but his mother has ever said that to him and him to her. Could he say it now? Should he wait? Merlin, just the thought of not being with Harry is frightening.
"Severus" Harry huffed out. "Merlin Sev, I've been in love with you for a while now. I never thought you would feel the same way towards me. So, I kept it to myself. When we kissed" running a free and through his hair "fuck, I thought I would explode." Severus' heart did a backflip at those words and he couldn't stop the smile that graced his stern face. Running his thumb over Harry's cheek gently, they just stared at each other, neither wanting to break this…this amazing, wonderful thing that was beginning between them.
Harry touched the older man's thigh lightly and looking into those dark pools of the man he loved so very much. "Severus" he whispered, leaning into the man's touch "Can you kiss me again?"
Smiling and bringing his hand to the nape of Harry's neck, he gently pulled the younger man forward, "It would be my pleasure." His lips descended to Harry's, kissing him softly, both moaning at the pleasure. Severus felt his nerves explode with tingles unlike he's ever felt before. Yes, there was no denying he loved this man with every fiber of his being. When they finally ended the kiss, Severus pulled away slightly, saying quietly but with confidence, "I love you, Harry. Never have I loved someone as much as I love you."
Harry's smile could have brightened an eclipsed moon, and Severus new his life was just made.
End flashback-
Sitting on the bench and looking to the ground, his eye caught something on his forearm and when he looked it was the Mother Bear. It was roaming around as if looking for something. Severus touched it reverently and the Bear stopped and looked toward him. "I know, I'll find him." He said quietly
Hearing someone coming through the trees, Severus glanced up and into the pools of the emerald eyes of the man he loved. His husband was here, in their spot, looking at him with love and a little fear. Gasping, Severus felt the hairs on his body stand up, felt a tingling sensation spread throughout his body, and a warmth emanating from where the Mother Bear tattoo was last seen. Placing his hand over the warming arm he just stared at Harry trying to ascertain if he was real or not. He could not look away. He was lost in those green pools and he felt his life shift. "Harry?"
-Lovetoreadseverusdotcom
