Chapter 5: Lemon Margaritas

Before her was a memory almost indistinguishable from reality. She had to relive these memories, accept them as her reality. To hide in her comfortable darkness would be to allow her body to wither and die, like a flower cut off from the sun. She was aware, now that she was no longer shrouded in that lightless place, that her lifeforce was waning. A feeling, like intuition, that told her that she did not have much time. She had to fight for her life, and that fight began here with a memory too painful to live again, but live it again she must.

She took a deep calming breath and stepped forward through the invisible forcefield of her fear into the memory itself. She was both observer and actor, able to think on what she was seeing, but unable to do or say anything differently than she had done before. Her feet continued to pull her forward, despite her mind's reluctance, towards the giant portico that served as entrance to The Chambers. The glare of the suns on the building's white stone was so bright that she had to squint to see her path forward. Through her eyelashes she saw a walkway lined with the sullen faces of her people, their skin and hair colors covering the entire spectrum, their costumes borrowed from thousands of cultures. Some had horns, some ridges, many had the smooth faces of humans. Some were earthy and dull, others shimmered in the sunlight as she did, and still more seemed emit a pale glow from within.

Among them were many young adults, not much younger than she was herself, on the brink of the change that would give them the physical characteristics of their celestial bodies. Purple stars, green planets, silvery blue moons… Each had pointed ears and a tail that flicked back and forth in excitement at being here. Normally children were left out of Lambent Kith politics and allowed to use the universe as their playground, but these children were nearly adults, and this was a momentous occasion. They wore flowers and sparkling things in their hair, just as she had not so long ago. Those things were still in a box buried deep in one of the Maru's cargo holds so she wouldn't have to be reminded of the sacrifice she'd asked her younger self to make. It didn't help. Sacrifice was her birthright, and she was reminded of it every day. As hard as they were, those days of memory loss in Seefra had also been a blessing.

She did not know these faces, those with a connection to her would be inside, but she knew they were here to see the downfall of their oldest and brightest star for themselves. The Nebula had wielded supreme power over their people since before many of them were born. Who was this woman who defied them over and over again? They would have been told she, avatar of the oldest and brightest sun, first appointed to the Nebula- though one of the last to assume her role- the most powerful of them, was a traitor. They would have been told that she had chosen to care for and protect organics over her own people and that because of that choice, one of their own had died. The latter, she could not deny, though they did not know her reasons. The Nebula would never give her a chance to explain herself, and these people would not believe her, even if she did. Such was the nature of the Nebula's power. They did not know that the Abyss had infected their ruling body with its darkness, and many did not know that the Nebula's power was supposed to be coming to an end now that she was reaching maturity. What could they know except what the Nebula allowed them to?

Her people's voices rang across the courtyard, a sound like a chorus of Earthen whale song, too many overlapping conversations for her to isolate what they were speaking of. It was loud at first, but grew quieter with each step she took forward until only the sound of rustlings bodies, chirping birds, and the buzz of insects remained by the time she reached the steps. Now, shielded from the sun by a portico held up with rows of massive white columns, she could see two forms standing dwarfed inside a giant arched entryway. One was a moon from the Council of Moons with silver skin and spots like the shadows of craters along his brow, whose name in Common she did not know. The other her husband and heart, Ione.

How cruel it was of the Nebula to place him before her like this? Her mind screamed that she could not live through this again, but her body kept moving. Eyes forward. Chin held high. A confident mask Ione was sure to see through in an instant. Her footsteps echoed on the stone. Ione stood perfectly still, expression unreadable, eyes watching her as she moved ever closer. When she was a few steps away, the other moon, taller and rounder in the face than Ione, said,

"Do not keep her long, Ione. She is expected soon."

"Thank you, Tarza," Ione replied. Tarza turned to her and bowed deeply, lingering far longer than was absolutely necessary.

"Fire Princess," he greeted, his voice deferential. He straightened and walked beyond the door before she could say anything in reply. She allowed to her eyes to follow him until he was consumed by the shadows of a the hallway. She turned to Ione, a question in her eyes, but could tell immediately he would not give her any answers. Already off balance, she turned her full attention to the man before her.

"Ione," she said. Her voice sounded breathless.

"Trance. I wish I did not have to see you this way." She stared directly into his eyes. The depths of his feelings for her, the fear and sadness he felt at this moment, it was all there for her to read. Tears welled up in her eyes, but they did not fall. His hands reached out to hers as she took one final step, closing the gap between them. She was shaking. His skin was cool, his touch a small comfort.

"They have called the Council of Moons," she stated, "Has the System of Planets been called as well?" Ione squeezed her hands.

"They have, my love." His voice was calm and even. He was trying his best to be strong for her, and she appreciated it more than he would ever know. She had already resigned herself to losing him once, to being separated for the safety of Tarn Vedra, but that was when she thought that it wouldn't be a permanent separation. She had known the moment her people demanded her return at the threat of harming her friends that their brief moments in the Seefra system would be among the last. There would be no eternity for them. "I am to escort you inside and then take my place among your kindred. They will not allow me to sit on the council today. Sol was barred from entering The Chambers entirely."

"This is not normal, you should not have been removed from your position and no kindred has ever been barred from viewing judgement by a full Triad," she said. "The Nebula fears your voices. They will silence me here not allow anyone else to speak." This she said in a whisper, uncertain of who might be listening nearby.

"The Council and System will never agree," Ione said firmly, and Trance had no doubt he was right. But his words were empty and he understood that. They were meant as words of comfort. She reached up a hand and placed it on his face. Her beautiful moon.

"Oh, Ione. It was a beautiful dream from the First Ones and Ancient Vedrans, wasn't it? A perfect balance, planets, moons, and stars, ruling together for a time. But planets and moons are created from stars, and most of their Avatars' energy is taken from the stars they are bound to. How can they wield power over those who can remove their lifeforce with a thought?" He brought up a hand to cup hers. She took a deep breath, finding herself unable to speak for a moment. She pressed her lips together tightly, fighting back her tears, but they defied her, welling up in her eyes, but not falling.

"Trance…"

"We must accept what has to be. I will be dead or dead to our people by the end of today," she told him. She needed to say out loud what she had feared from the moment of her summoning. She needed those words to hang in the air before her, to give what she knew substance, to make it real. How else could she say goodbye and how could she take the next step if she didn't say goodbye?

He leaned forward, kissed her forehead and pulled her into his arms, resting his chin on the top of her head. He smelled clean and earthy, of sunshine and life. Her tears escaped, leaving trails down her face and soaking into his shirt. Surely she would not make it another step with her heart broken into so many pieces?

"They won't kill you outright, I cannot believe they would, knowing who you are."

"The result will be the same. Still, our bond will be broken, and we will be apart," she whispered. He kissed her again. "Please Ione, find Vera, she is still lost as we were. Tarn Vedra needs her avatar, and you will need her as well. The kith are not meant to be alone. A sob finally broke free and she buried her head in Ione's chest, fighting to regain control. She would not allow the Nebula to see what they had done to her. She would not allow them to see how their actions were destroying her inside.

Ione pulled out of the embrace, but kept his hands on her arms, holding her back just far enough that they could look into each other's eyes. Tears filled his dark eyes as well.

"Trance Gemini, I will do as you ask, but you must promise me that if you survive today, you will find someone as well. You must find happiness, I could not bear to think of you, the most loving soul I have ever met, living our your life alone." She shook her head, and then standing on her toes, placed a kiss on his lips. He leaned into it and kissed her back. It was a gentle, tender, kiss that was all to brief. When she pulled back, she could see her tears glistening on his cheeks.

"I don't know if I can ever be happy again."

"Try," was all he said. He held his hand up, palm facing forward, a glow emitting from it. She brought her palm to his and released some of her energy. In the warmth of their shared energy she could feel his love for her. She allowed a soft, sad smile to cross her face, and he smiled back. He was the first to pull away, closing his hand and taking his energy back into himself. She did the same. "We have to go."

They walked in silence down a shadowy hall, lit by torch-like floating suns until they reached two large double doors, each guarded by a moon whose silvery skin seeming to glow in the dim light. Ione stopped her a few steps away. This was it. Behind those doors she would meet with her punishment, a punishment she was warned would be coming by Virgil Vox.

She turned to Ione one last time. He leaned down to give her a final kiss. A final goodbye.

"We must accept the things that must be.," she said aloud to give herself the strength to say the words that needed to be said, "Goodbye. I love you, and I will always love you."

"Goodbye, my love. My heart will always belong to you." She pulled out of their embrace, suddenly feeling alone, though she knew just inside those doors were her family and friends, her kindred. Ione nodded to the other two moons. They bowed deeply and then opened the door. She took just a moment to compose herself and put her mask on once again, wiping her tears away with the sleeve of her tunic. She had to hold on just a little bit longer, and then, perhaps she could go home to Andromeda's safe sheltering arms.

As they passed through the doorway she thought she heard one of the moons whisper, "Princess."

The circular hall beyond the doors was brightly lit compared to the hallway leading up to it, the light of both suns shining through a huge domed stained glass ceiling. It depicted, in vibrant color, the Vedran system as it had been before the fall of the commonwealth. Her sun, large and bright, Vera's planet still a lovely blue and white ball rather than the dusty hell it had become after the fall, and Ione's beautiful silvery moon circling the planet. At least once she was gone the reminder of who she was would still literally hang over the Nebula's heads in this ancient hall. She took comfort and strength from the image of her small system. The stained glass cast colorful prisms on the white tile floor.

Ione led her to the center of the room, a comforting hand on her arm. When they reached the center, she felt him let go and saw him walk to a platform where those with more than a superficial connection to her, would watch her judgement. The oldest of her sisters, brothers, and cousins were there, sitting in a purple skinned group, surprisingly still for adolescents of the Lambent Kith. There were dozens of them, but most she hardly knew as she was the eldest and they were much younger than her. She'd been made a part of the Nebula as soon as she reached adolescence and purposefully separated from her family and the few childhood friends she had been permitted to make to discourage her rebellious streak, something that was both a product of her age, and a fault of her personality. Their names were almost all she knew about them. Sitting together towards the center of the group were the planets and moons of her twin's system. Ares, with his dark hair and dusty red skin. Luna, her eyes and face drawn with sorrow, tears on her cheeks, still mourning the loss of her planet. These men and women she knew well and loved fiercely. They were all there, even the avatar of Pluto's tiny moon. First they lost Gaia so suddenly to the Abyss, and now they were forced to watch as she was lost to them as well. Her brother should have been among them, lending them his strength, but the Nebula had taken that away.

Her eyes fell on blue skinned Flux, buried in a group of friends who were more like acquaintances. Though his hot burning blue sun was in a system far from hers and far from Sol's his avatar was of an age with Sol and her. There were very few her age, so they had been good friends as children, often traveling together to see what the universe had to offer. Their closeness was a thing of the past. The last time she'd seen him he had been a loyal soldier of the Nebula, doing their bidding and imploring her to come home. He noticed her gaze on him and bowed so slightly that she thought might have imagined it. His expression was neutral, but his eyes sad. Was the sadness because of the fate he knew awaited her, or was his sadness because he believed her a traitor as most here undoubtedly did?

She pulled her eyes away from her kindred, knowing she had to face the rest of the room. This was a new vantage point for her, and she had never considered how small and exposed those brought before the Triad must have felt as she stood in judgement over them. Her eyes passed over the Council of Moons standing together on their platform, one short without Ione. They stood solemnly, watching her. Their skin ranged from dusky grey, to bright white. Some had black hair, some silver, and some white. Shadows were painted on all their faces. A few were tinged blue and green, moons that bore life. Tarza stood at the head, where Ione would normally stand. He gave her a slight nod.

Across from them was the System of Planets, two short without her Vera, who had not been seen since Tarn Vedra was hidden, and Sol's Gaia. The System was the most varied of all in color, facial structure, and hair. They too watched her solemnly. A grey skinned planet with curly blue hair and prominent chin stood at the head in Veras place, the avatar of Ugroth, the Perseid homeworld. She gave Trance a small smile that Trance assumed was supposed to be comforting. She did not return it.

Finally, she allowed herself to look straight ahead at the Nebula. They stood on their platform together. The rules that governed trials held in The Chambers predated the Nebula's creation by at least a billion years, though no one could quite say when, so in here they did not take the same form, but stood facing her in their true forms. Most were gold, dusted with red, mature avatars. Like her, they wore their hair long and in elaborate updos with curls or braids. Their hair colors ranged from strawberry blonde like hers to black. Two had the purple skin and blonde hair of young adults who had not changed yet, the Nebula being the only governing body with children on it. They were her sisters, both very slightly younger than her. The oldest of the two, Kara, stared at her with cold, accusing eyes mirroring those of the other stars on the council. The younger, Stella, met Trance's eyes briefly. In those moments Trance saw sorrow, love, and a glimmer of independence.

"Welcome and be welcomed." The red sun named Azazel said, moving forward into the circle. So it was she who would take Trance's place as the voice and image of the Lambent Kith Nebula, the position Maura had inhabited the last time Trance came to plead her case. Her appearance had not changed since Trance last saw her at the Battle of Samsarra. The woman's black hair, formed into delicate dreadlocks, was piled elaborately on top of her head with several locks left to frame her round face whose high cheekbones were dusted with a shimmering red giving her severe and unfriendly look. She had a commanding presence, despite having a stature even smaller than Trance's. Undoubtedly, after today, the entire Nebula would take on her appearance if she was now First. The First was not the Nebula's leader as they were supposed to be of one mind, but she was their voice. There was no love between Trance and Azazel. The decision to allow Dylan sacrifice Samsarra, a world she had never met and who had committed no crimes Trance was aware of, to appease the Nebula and keep the New Commonwealth in the fight against the Abyss still haunted her.

Following convention, Trance curtsied, but only as far as she needed to, a small and meaningless rebellion to match this meaningless farce of a trial.

"Rise Trance Gemini," Azazel said.

"I have come to plead my case," she said, keeping her voice level and her eyes solidly on Azazel's cold ones though tradition would have her keep her eyes down humbly and subserviently. Another rebellion.

"You stand accused of treachery," Azazel said. "Time and time again you have defied this council, refusing to relinquish your individuality and abide by our decisions. You live among organics and treat them as if they are your equals. Your eccentricities were tolerated because of who you are and who your mother was." Trance had to stop herself from rolling her eyes, remembering the isolation and punishments exacted on her over nearly two billion years because of these 'tolerated' eccentricities. "But, you have committed a far greater crime this time. For the first time in the history of this Universe, the Lambent Kith have fought against one another, and one of us has been lost. What do you have to say?" It took a great deal of self control to keep her hands from moving, a nervous habit that had become more pronounced on Seefra.

"Maura was not one of us," she said, disappointed to hear the tremble in her voice."She was working for the Abyss. She deceived us all."

"Do you have any proof of this?" Kara asked. Trance allowed her gaze to rest on her younger sister. The resemblance between their true forms was obvious, Kara looking much like Trance had before the change. There was no trace of the girl Trance had known before they were both inducted into the Nebula. Her childlike innocence was gone, replaced by the same cold indifference Azazel portrayed.

"Sister, you know I do not. But I would not lie. I have never lied to this council."

"We would have known if her loyalties lay elsewhere. We are the Nebula. We are as one." A golden star with blood red curls said. Trance raised an eyebrow, deciding that she was done with this game.

"That is hardly true. I have managed to defy you time and time again, as you yourself have said," she said, her voice hard, dangerous. "I cannot prove that what I say is true, but I would ask why this council decided to destroy this universe long before its natural end, the exact scenario we were charged with preventing? Was there any other reason the Nebula decided to do the Abyss' work for it?" There was a hiss of surprise around the room, a gasping breath of life from the people surrounding her.

"We do not have to answer to you," Azazel snapped, losing some of her composure. Trance raised her chin and rolled back her shoulders, affecting the most confident and regal posture she could given the circumstances and the storm of fears churning beneath the surface. Here, at this moment, in front of her kindred and the most powerful of her people, she would be who she was meant to be, even if it was only a flash in the long lives of her people. She would remind them of her role in their society. She would be in control.

"That is all the answer I need. This is a waste of our time. Settle my punishment and be done with it." Another murmur of surprise, this time starting as a whisper until it was almost deafening. The Nebula had lost control of the room. Trance allowed her eyes to wander, feeling a small amount of satisfaction at the shock on her people's faces. Perhaps they had forgotten about her, forgotten who she was raised to be, hidden as she was under the Nebula's ever watchful eyes.

"Silence," Azazel shouted. The room quieted immediately.

"How does the Council rule?" Stella asked, her quiet, childlike voice carrying across the room. She too resembled Trance, even more so than Kara. The younger girl being gentlest of the three of them, Trance had argued with her mother against forcing Stella into the Nebula, but her mother had been firm. All three of her older daughters would help to guide the Nebula's decisions. The First Ones and the Vedrans had been so naive.

Tarza stepped forward into the circle. Trance gave him a small smile when his eyes met hers. She saw defeat in them. He knew his words would not sway the Nebula.

"Trance Gemini is the oldest and brightest sun, we find it hard to believe that she would lie about Maura's loyalties, or cause the death of one of the Lambent Kith Nebula's own without reason. In light of that, it is entirely possible that the Abyss designed everything. We believe that her claims should be investigated and punishment postponed. Of this, we are of one mind."

"And the System?" asked Stella. The silvery planet stepped forward to speak.

"We are of the same mind as the Council. There was no need call for a Triad. Trance Gemini would never betray our people."

Azazel moved forward until she was merely steps away from Trance. The woman didn't even look at her compatriots from the other councils, keeping her cold gaze on Trance instead.

"We have heard and weighed the words of the Council of Moons and the System of Planets against your crimes," she said. "Since you can not offer us proof that Maura was an agent of the Abyss we find you guilty of attacking a fellow avatar and responsible for Maura's death. You were warned that there would be consequences should you continue to defy us." Trance did not move as Maura spoke. She willed her body to remain perfectly still. "Your crimes warrant an immediate death, but given the strong words of the others in the Triad, and your former position as one of us, we will not take your life. You have found solace in the company of organics up until now. Now you may do so as one of them."

The room was absolutely silent. Trance could see shock, amazement, anger, and myriad of other emotions reflected on the faces of those she could see in her peripheral vision. Her anger, simmering before, rose to boiling point. She had expected this might be her punishment. She had expected to feel sorrow, confusion, fear. She felt none of that now - though it would come- only an all consuming anger as she realized that Maura had not been the only one working for the Nebula. This had been its plan all along, though it was no longer alive to see it realized. The Abyss was gone, and in its place, the Nebula now resided. The light of the universe now the source of its darkness.

"You have succumbed to the darkness, betraying the First Ones who came over from a dying universe to join with our suns so this universe would not fall victim to the Abyss before its time, so that when this universe dies, it will be reborn," she said, more for the sake of the people around the room than the council before her, who were already lost. "You have betrayed the Ancient Vedrans who created you ensure that our people survived until those of us born in this Universe to the First Ones were mature enough to govern ourselves…"

"Silence," the Nebula shouted together, cutting her off, their collective voices so loud that Trance flinched at the sound. But she was not cowed. The air around her shimmered and she felt her connection with her son begin to fade. She felt simultaneously like she was on fire and like she was disintegrating at the molecular level. She felt dizzy and weak. It was more painful than anything she could have imagined. Still, she did not cry out. She could hardly stand by the time they were finished, but she forced her back to remain straight, head held high. Only the tears falling involuntarily from her eyes gave testament to her pain.

"I hope you can live with the blood of billions on your hands," she said directly to Kara when it was done, her voice hardly above a whisper as she struggled to find breath enough to speak. Kara looked upon her with disgust. Beside her stood Stella, tears running down her face.

The bright hall faded from view and she found herself back in the darkness Sol had taken her from. She fell to her knees and allowed the pain she had been trying to hid from to flow through her, a great waterfall that needed to be spent. These weren't the gentle, quiet sobs permitted herself on the Maru, unable to contain all of the hurt the way she wanted to, but great heaving sobs that held within them a very long lifetime of pain and suffering. They contained every sacrifice she had made in vain to reach this point. They held within them the loss of her childhood and the loss of the future she had planned for herself. They spoke of the loss of her identity, of her husband, of Vera, of the perfect possible future that she was supposed to bring about.

She cried until her chest ached from the sobs and it seemed that she had run out of tears. It was then, lying curled up on the ground in her comfortable darkness, exhausted and spent from crying, that she realized that it was no longer silent. She could hear the voices of her friends so far away that she could not make out their words. She pulled herself up off the ground and stood listening carefully. There was Dylan's comforting voice, speaking gently to her. Beka sounded motherly, worried. She heard Rommie and Doyle, even Rhade. The voices were constant, gentle, and loving. More often than any other, she heard Harper's voice. He told her stories, his words quick and animated. He read to her. He talked to her and teased her as if they were having a two way conversation, and sometimes he pleaded with her. She could not hear his words, but his tones and cadences were familiar from their years of friendship.

"You can do this, Trance," she told herself, "You can survive." She stepped forward into the darkness unsteadily. She focused on Harper's voice, so much more frequent and stronger than the rest. She used him as her guide. Once they had become friends again after she'd traded places with her purple self, she had commented on his resilience, still in awe of how quickly he bounced back after Hohne's death and the removal of the Magog larvae from his body. She had forgotten so much about her best friend during their separation. How smart he was. How funny. How he knew exactly which buttons to push to irritate her and how that was a sign of how much he cared that he knew. How much trouble he could get into with just an ounce of opportunity… In true Harper fashion, he'd brushed off her comments with a joke, "When Life gives you lemons, you make lemon margaritas and get drunk enough to laugh in Life's face." Words of wisdom from an unlikely source. She kept moving forward, knowing that pain, weakness, and sorrow were waiting for her on the other side, but also that she would find love, compassion, and friendship there. The unity of opposites. One of the rules that had always governed her life.

"There can be no light without shadows," she said aloud.

After a time she was surprised to find herself in a bright white room with a bonsai tree on a dias in front of her. The physical tree was long gone, but she still used the imagery of it as a focal point in her meditations. This was her thinking space, someplace she could easily escape from. She could hear Harper and Andromeda speaking around her, and then Andromeda was quiet. Harper was talking to her alone. She could hear the worry in his voice, the pleading tone he had taken on. She willed herself to leave this space and return to the real world. It was time to learn how to make margaritas.