What Heroes Fear

Blood spilled from her lip, her neck, her arms. But the wounds the Commandant had cut into Blade's body were nothing to the battle going on in her head.

"Do you think that for you to obey an order it must be given by me? This place is run on obedience! You will learn that!"

She spat blood on the floor. Then looked back up at him, "This place is run on slavery."

He slashed her across the face. Pain split through her, blood running down her cheek and into her gasping mouth. He had done something to his blade. She could feel it. An augment? Poison? She didn't know. What she did know was with every slice fire burned through her skin, throbbing deep down into her veins.

She managed to stay vaguely upright, her weight braced on her arms, keeping her up off the stone. She forced out a small, pained laugh, "That's the best you've got?"

The Commandant let out a low, predatory growl and stamped down hard on her outstretched hand. Blade felt bones break and she doubled over and retched blood. Her body crumpled back down to the floor, pain splitting through her, slicing through her mind. She looked at her hand, managing to hold back the water that prickled in her eyes, her breathing rough and quick. Three of her fingers were clearly broken, already swelling, the bruise forming quickly as blood poured out of her arteries, caught by the unbroken skin.

She tried to clench her hand slowly into a fist, grimacing, grinding her teeth. The pain was too much, and she let out a small, strangled yell, immediately stopping. She put her weight back on her palms, trying not to put weight on the splintered bones, trying to get up.

Not giving her time to rise, the Commandant grabbed her by the neck, hurling her upwards into the wall. She fell back to the floor, and his kick landed sharp in her side, throwing her over, her back smashing into the stone. Her hands fell out beside her shoulders, pain splitting through the crushed bones, her heavy pants for air seizing her whole body, closing her eyes and letting her head lean back on the floor.

The Commandant circled her, slowly. He was waiting for what he knew would happen. And she didn't want to disappoint him.

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

They would help her suppress her pain. They would help her survive this hell. They would help keep her strong.

Blade sat up, then struggled to her feet. Her good hand snapped out to brush the wall for a second as she felt like her legs wouldn't hold her, but then she got her balance and let her hand slide off, looking daggers at the man in front of her.

She shook her head, slowly, "You won't break me. Pain won't break me, sir."

He looked at her, and then nodded, slowly, thoughtfully, "I see that. So what will break you."

She managed a laugh, "Well, I wouldn't know, would I? And, even if I did, I don't think it would be something I would share with you."

"Yes. I have no doubt." He looked at her for a second, calculating her, "But I'll get it eventually. I've never failed."

"Never say never."

He smiled, somewhat distantly. He was still looking at her. "It's something outside these walls. I know it's something outside these walls. Is that right?"

She stayed silent, watching him. The constant throb from her fingers was beginning to catch her attention. She cradled them with a cupped hand, keeping her eyes on his. Her pride was too much for her to check them.

"What do you fear?"

No answer.

"You don't fear pain. Threats. Humiliation. You don't fear the less... tasteful orders the others try and put you through. So what do you fear?"

Not a word. She just looked at him. Her instincts were buzzing in the back of her neck. Her body was taught, expecting pain.

"I've never got more than a murmur of assent out of you." he continued, slowly, watching her very carefully, "Apart from that first time. I got two words. And then you closed back up again. What was different that time."

She thought back, silently.

She could remember falling down again on cold stone, gasping, shaking, the collar seizing her throat, pawing at her memories, slowly leeching them away.

You will obey! You must obey!

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

"It was only the collar that time, wasn't it? You're not afraid of pain, but the collar put you right back in your place." he cocked his head slightly to one side, "But that's not right. You... you are very strong. Why would you fear the collar? Why would you fear its effects when you know you can fight them. It's just pain and voices, right? You'd be fine with that. So what is it."

He watched her for a second, and then realisation passed over his face, "It's the memories. That's right, isn't it? You've got something in your head that you can't afford to lose. But what would a Crucible pit dog like you have to hide?"

Blade looked at him. She was shaking slightly. No. He couldn't have worked it out. No. She couldn't let him. No.

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

The Commandant paused, gauging her reaction, and then smiled, "I think we've just got a step further, 273. Maybe this is what you truly fear. And maybe this is the key to your true obedience. We'll test it, shall we?"

He took a step towards her. She took a step away. He smiled again. Then he shook his head, "273, what is your name."

She looked at him. Her heart thumped in her chest.

"Answer my question."

The ever-familiar pain started moving through her head. She grimaced, trying to stop it, trying to keep it back.

Obey! You will answer his question!

"Come on, 273, don't fight it. What is your name."

She shook her head, "Blade."

The collar activated and he struck out at the same time, smashing her head to one side, throwing her to the floor. Pain split through her fingers, the wounds he'd cut into her, and her hands went up, reflexively, her neck, her head, her eyes. She could feel the pull again, the tug, the yank on her mind, her memories.

No! Michael. Rose Marie. Mattie. Michael. Rose Marie. Mattie. Michael. Rose Marie.

"What is your name."

"My name is Blade!"

Again. The collar twisted her throat and Lucien's words filled her head, smashing through her systems, pain clouding her senses.

You will learn your place!

She fought with the collar, holding back a scream with substantial difficulty, her breathing nonexistent. Oakfield, Bowerstone, Thag, Giles, Lucien, Rose - No you will not take her! You won't, I won't let you! - Mad-Dog, Belle, Dash, Sam and Max, Theresa, Hammer - No. No you can't, you can't! - Magpie, Ripper, Barnum, Murgo, Michael - No - Rose Marie - No - Mattie - No!

The Commandant's voice echoed through her ruined senses: "Come, now. If you keep this up you will remember none of your past life, 273. Is that what you want?"

The collar relaxed, and he pulled her to her feet, pushing her almost gently back against the wall, "What is your name."

"My... I'm..." her voice broke, her breathing withered in her chest.

No. No, please, no. Michael. Rose Marie. Mattie. Michael... Rose... Rose Marie... Mattie... please...

She winced and shook her head, trying to force the words out, "My name... is..." she hesitated, panting, managing to hold on for one more second, and then shook her head, "Recruit... 273."

He let her go and she collapsed to the floor. She felt her forehead touch cold stone. She closed her eyes. It was over. She'd let him win.