Diary Extract II

Week Next.

See what I did there? Week Next. I don't know the days anymore. The officers found my chart and got rid of it, moved me to another section. I don't care. I'm not exactly leaving anyone behind. So, from now on, everything's going to be 'Week Next'. That's how it has to be.

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

Losing track of time doesn't matter. I was a fool to think it would. To all extents and purposes the officers actually did me a favour. Now I don't know the days. I don't know how much time has passed. How long I've been in this hell. I can't look at the wall and think 'yep, fifth year coming up, happy anniversary'. I continued it in the back of the book for a while, then gave up. Why bother. Seems I'm gunna be here a hell of a lot longer than I thought. I'll just take it day by day.

Hannah.
Garth.
Theresa.

They tried it again today. The other guards, the other officers. I'm their one female recruit. In the whole of the Spire, the only one. It's not that unfathomable. Only five women in all of its history have beaten the Crucible. But I don't understand - what makes them think I'll obey them if I don't even obey the Commandant? How could they possibly imagine that they could make my life a worse hell than he can?

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

They ordered me to take my clothes off. I nearly killed one of them on the spot. But the Commandant has given them and the other officers access to my collar. I didn't last long. I've learned to fight it since the beginning. I can withstand around five activations now. Six if I'm feeling particularly strong-minded. This time I lasted seven. I think. Anything they did to me after that meant nothing. I didn't feel it.

Hannah.
Garth.
Theresa.

It's been a few weeks since Bob. I think. No sign of Garth. The Commandant took him down to the lower levels. Hid him away. No sign of Lucien, either. Maybe he's hiding too. I think I need to see him. Lucien. Soon. Just for... just for something to hold on to.

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

Not that I haven't got this. This keeps me there. This keeps me sane. Keeps my memories in order. I can't let myself forget. It was close. And I can feel them. I can feel them slipping away. Sometimes I forget their names. I have to open this up, straight away. I have to see their names. I have to read their names. I have to write their names. I can't forget.

Michael.
Rose Marie.
Mattie.

If I forget, I'll end up the same as all the others. Broken. They're the only thing that's keeping me sane. The only thing that's keeping me whole. I know I've been gone for more than a year. More than three. When I get back... maybe Michael won't be there waiting for me. But that's okay. I love him. More than life itself. But I can't ask him to wait for me. I didn't ask him to wait for me. At least... I don't think I did. I can't remember. Sometimes this place just

Will he be there waiting for me? Did he love me enough to wait? I think he did. I'm pretty sure. He loved me enough to stay with me, bring up his daughters. I mean his children. Children. One boy, one girl. Mattie and Rose Marie. Which one is the oldest? Was my first born a son? It's been so long, I can't quite

This place is insane. I have to get out of here. Before it's too late. I have to. I have to get back to them, back to Bowerstone.

At least I think they're in Bowerstone.


Things to Remember:

o Bob

o Bowerstone

o Michael

o Rose Marie

o Mattie