JFT96 JFT96 JFT96


"So, do you do this whole 'romancing' thing differently, now that you're not after the women anymore?" Remus asked quietly, bumping his shoulder against his friend as they leant against the base of quidditch bleachers, watching Ravenclaw slaughter Hufflepuff in what was less a match and more a massacre. 710-10, Sirius couldn't remember a more one sided Quidditch match in a long long time. The crowds in the stands appeared to have given up the ghost, with Ollie Stauton, resident commentator, giving up on describing the action a good ten minutes earlier. Unfortunately, a blow to the head of Madeline Small, ravenclaw seeker, meant the game could only be concluded when the Hufflepuff seeker found the snitch.

Unfortunately, Timothy Wallace, Hufflepuff seeker, was as blind as a bat and as competent in the air as a rabbit on acid, and the Hufflepuff captain was unwilling to concede. So the game continued, on and on. Naturally, James had opted to stay in the stands, eyes fixated on every moment and movement of play. However, seven hours in, two of the other three marauders lost patience, and left the stands to retreat to quieter ground.

"Nah, the strange thing is, romancing a man is not all that different." Sirius smiled, glancing around at the crowd above them languidly, glad that he had revealed his sexual preference the day before. "I think the sex will be a bit different, but getting them in the bed appears to be the same."

"You haven't had sex with any of them yet?" Remus stated, raising his eyebrow skeptically. "Good lord, I never thought I'd see the day when you abstained from sex with anyone."

"Keep it quiet, Moonikins, wouldn't want my reputation ruined now, would I?" Sirius smiled, drawing his friend into a half hug. "Besides, I've been serviced by women." What, 6 months ago? A synical voice in Sirius' brain goaded, making Sirius wince internally. Shush, brain.

"Fair enough, I suppose." Remus smiled, running his hand through his hair relaxedly. Sirius watched with a twitch as the hair fell messily around his friend's face, framing his eyes quite effectively. "Its refreshing to not have to worry about walking in on something I really don't want to see in our dorms." Remus smiled, looking at his friend once more.

A look of abstract confusion flittered across Sirius' face as he struggled to comprehend the workings of his own mind, and the emotions flickering through his brain. He knows you're not sleeping with anyone. He doesn't think you could get a girl, or man for that matter. You've let him down. The confusion was soon replaced by a look of annoyance and almost anger at his friend. "Are you suggesting that I couldn't get someone to sleep with me?" He hissed, mood flying across the spectrum as he pushed himself off the side of the stand, moving away from the quidditch pitch angrily. Remus followed, more than used to his friend's violent mood changes.

"No, Sirius, far from i-" he started, placing a hand on his friend's arm in an attempt to calm him.. Unfortunately, it seemed to have the opposite effect, with the animagus tensing in frustration, spinning to face his friend, hands flying in the air exasperatedly, knocking Remus' hand away.

"No. You know what, fine. I will get a man, if it so pleases you Remus. And here I thought you'd be proud of me for not immediately going for something I wanted." Sirius huffed, hurt flickering across his face as he stared at his friend with indignation. The werewolf sighed, moving towards his friend once more and grabbing his arms tightly, unwilling to let him leave in such a state.

"Sirius, I'm proud of you regardless of what you do in your relationships!" Remus exclaimed, shaking Sirius lightly. "Please, you know I wouldn't say anything so callous. Even if I did, I'd only be joking. Its not like you need me to reassure you of your sexual prowess, I'm sure your countless lady friends do more than enough of that, don't they." Remus smiled, leaning down to try and catch his friend's eye, who immediately looked away. "Sirius?" The werewolf questioned, brow furrowing at the blush that was spreading across his friend's cheeks. "Is-what-"

"Just leave it Remus." Sirius huffed, crossing his arms in anger and staring at the ground determinedly. Remus dropped his arms resignedly, reaching up to tuck his friend's hair behind the aristocratic ear. "I'm out of here."

"Ok. You know where to find me if you need to talk." Remus smiled, receiving a scowl for his troubles.

"I don't need your help. I don't need any help. I'm fine. fine." Sirius stated, stalking away before spinning to face his friend once more. "And you know what, I'll always be fine. I don't need you. I just need me, and some fucking sex. And I'm going to go find some fucking sex, ok?"

"That's fine Sirius. Whatever you want to do." Remus stated calmly.

"Do you have to be so goddamn calm all the time!?" Sirius exclaimed, glaring at his friend's poetically calm demeanor with anger. "Just, for once, fucking let go, you complete fucking prude. Fucks sake, why the hell does everyone around here have a bloody wand up their arse?"

"Well Sirius, as a homosexual, there is a possibility that you may enjoy an individual's wand up your, ahem, 'arse'." Remus stated lightly, praying Sirius would at least smile as he walked up to his friend once more. "Now go and get laid before you end up saying something you regret." With a final glare, Sirius span on his heel, stalking up to the castle with fury, trying to forget the excitement running through him from that pseudo passionate encounter.

"Fucking Moony."


A strong thigh ran round him, dragging him in between the parted legs in front of him. Strong, thin, slightly calloused lips met equally strong pillows of skin around the other's neck, sparks flying as cloaks were ripped off.

Sirius leant into the neck, attempting to lose himself within the languid touches and roaming palms. Shrugging off his shirt, he leant into the tall being in front of him, pulling the corresponding article over his partner's shoulders.

"Wow." A voice stated as the pair pressed together, Sirius remaining silent throughout the encounter as the hands stroked and groped at him, grabbing his belt sensually.

Sirius' brow furrowed, suddenly all too aware of his own discomfort at the situation. Hands traced, stroked, lips kissed, caressed, but there was none of the old passion, none of the excitement that he had been searching for coursing through his veins. Another pull at his trousers and he backed away, away from the keening individual in front of him.

"Oh god, I'm-I'm sorry, I have to go." Sirius declared, throwing his shirt back on and grabbing his cloak, holding it in front of himself to hide what wasn't there.

"I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?" Pouting lips asked, strong flat chest still bare to Sirius' eyes as legs remained spread in front of the marauder. Reaching out, the waistband of Sirius' pants was held once more, a mouth reaching towards the trousers lustfully. "Do you want to-"

"No, I'm so sorry darling, I've just remembered I am meant to be meeting with McGonnagal in a few minutes, must be dashing. The woman is in love with me, you see, and needs her daily dose of Siri-goodness in order to keep ticking over. I'm so sorry we did not have the time to complete our tryst, but rest assured that we will meet again." Sirius smiled confidently, leaning in to place a tentative, rapid kiss on the corner of a mouth as he covered his disgust, pulling back immediately and running out of the closet, leaving passion in his wake.


"Bloody hell mate!" Peter exclaimed as Sirius walked into the otherwise empty dorm, tie loose and looking thoroughly disheveled. "Another one already? I know you're good, mate, but that must be 10 people, if not more, in the space of a week!" Peter calculated, looking up at his friend in awe. "Sleeping with 10 people, imagine that."

"You know, Pete, the life of a Sex God isn't all it's cracked up to be." Sirius sighed, throwing his tie to the floor and sitting cross legged on his bed, running fingers through his matted hair. "I've got another, shall we say, appointment in 30 minutes. It takes a lot of practice to get this good, you know." Sirius smirked sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he noticed Peter hanging on his every word. "Hows things going with that Hufflepuff girl you're 'courting'?" Sirius asked, trying to force some false interest into his speech.

"Not so well." Peter sighed, rolling onto his back. "I tried all the things you suggested, you know, treating her mean to keep her keen, but I don't think she appreciated me replacing her hairspray with Zonko's everstick glue." Peter frowned, looking across at his friend. "I don't think she had a sense of humour, I mean, everyone else was laughing when she leant down to pick up her bag and got stuck to the bench."

"Really? That's a shame, its always worked with my past girlfriends." Sirius grinned, running a hand through his hair. "Maybe you should try purple poxy paint instead - a little on their hands and they'll get the purple pox faster than you can say ABC. You could probably even charm it so that the pox marks spelt out your name on their skin, so that they never forgot you." Sirius stated, glancing at the clock on his bedside table." Oh, would you look at the time. I'm afraid its time I went to claim my next conquest, my fair Wormtail, I shall be off."

"Male or female?" Peter enquired, sitting up on his bed. "Please don't bring the fun times back here if its a bloke. No offense, I'm completely fine with you being, well, bisexual, but its one thing hearing about it, another thing entirely seeing it." Peter smiled, wrinkling his nose in mock disgust.

"It will be a bloke, and fair enough." Sirius stated, deciding that he wouldn't want to see Peter going at it with anyone, male or female, not that there was much chance of either after the advice that Sirius had doled out minutes before.

A sudden, rare guilty spell passed over Sirius as he remembered a conversation with Moony a month previously, after a joke at the rotund boy's expense. Come on, Sirius, stop teasing poor Peter. You know he idolises you, its not his fault that he's occasionally a bit slow to catch on to your jokes. And lord knows he needs as much help in the dating department as possible. Promise me you wont tease him for a bit, please? Thank you, Pads, I knew you'd come through for me.

"Oh, and Wormtail, you might want to try flowers for a girl next time. Maybe chocolates. No more superglue, eh? Doesn't go down too well when they get stuck to tables. And save the pox stuff for true love, there'd be no point wasting such a classic method of romance on some Hogwarts fling." Sirius stated, grabbing a chocolate frog from the end of Remus' bed on his way out, throwing it in the air relaxedly as he strolled out of the warm dormitory.

"Thanks Sirius!" Peter cried at the back of his friend, sighing appreciatively at his tall companion as he left. He really did have great friends.


"Ooh, baby." A voice moaned wantonly, hand clasping at the tight shirt stretched across Sirius' chest. "That feels good, do it again! Again!"

Sirius closed his eyes patiently, trying to prevent a sarcastic response flicking out of his mouth at the God-awful screeching tones of the person in front of him. Blanking out the unappealing squeals, he persisted, hands sliding up the admittedly fantastic body in front of him.

Working impatiently, Sirius glared at the body with frustration, begging himself to feel something, anything, as he stroked and manipulated the toned body in front of him. He felt strong hands return the favour, but couldn't help but click his tongue as he realised that nothing was happening. Pulling away with annoyance, Sirius registered the look of confusion on his partner's face briefly, ice blue eyes reflecting the annoyance on his own face. "I'm going." Sirius muttered, pulling his trousers back up.

"You aren't interested. Why don't you want to fuck me? Can you not perform?" The voice whined, glaring at Sirius with frustration. Sirius blushed red, anger eventually overtaking his embarrassment as he dragged his shirt back across his shoulders, buttoning it up rapidly.

"This isn't my fault! I've never had this problem before, ever! It must be you, you're not doing it right." Sirius exclaimed, reaching over to pull his shoes back on as fast as his fingers could manage. "This isn't about my inadequacies, this is all your fault."

"I think you'll find I'm the one here who is prepared for some action!" The voice remarked, motioning downwards. "And still waiting, I'll have you know. Surely even if you're not up for it you can service me?"

Sirius scoffed lightly, rolling his eyes at the naked body in front of him as he threw his robe across his shoulder. "Well tough shit, you're going to have to serve yourself tonight because it appears I am not interested." Sirius stated. "If anyone finds out about this, I will out you. And tell the masses about your inability to excite the stick of walking testosterone that is Sirius Black. It is in your best interests to keep this secret."


"I'm sorry I yelled." A strong voice stated above Remus, startling the boy as he sat reading in the library. The amber-eyed boy glanced up, gold meeting silver as the two pairs of eyes stared for a moment.

"Its fine Pads." Remus smiled, kicking out a chair for his canine friend, as he placed a piece of paper in the novel and focussed his attention on the boy in front of him. "I'm more than used to your occasional mood swings." He smirked, watching as his friend swung casually into the offered chair. "THat wou

"No, I mean it. I didn't mea-" Sirius started, looking over apologetically at his lycan friend as he reached over the table to place a hand on the other boy's arm.

"You don't have to apologise to me, Padfoot. I get it, you were angry. I've known you long enough to know that angry Padfoots yell, and say lots of things that they don't necessarily mean." Remus reasoned, smiling sadly as his friend sat opposite him and clasping the hand that rested on his arm. "Its fine, no damage done."

"I always need your help, by the way. That was a complete lie." Sirius stated, smiling across the table at his lycan friend. "And I like how you are calm. I think if you had an explosiveness like me, someone may have died in that fight." Remus laughed, eyes gleaming as the pair sat smiling at one another for a minute or two. Sirius broke the contact, looking down at his bare wrist and cursing quietly.

"What time is it?" He asked, looking over at his bookish friend. Remus looked down at his own wrist, equipped with a watch, and squinted to read the time.

"7.45" Sirius winced, realising he was meant to be meeting someone in a few minutes. "Let me guess, you've got some sexual escapade lined up in the next ten minutes. Get to it then!" Remus laughed, pushing his friend's shoulder lightly. "Shouldn't keep them waiting."

"But I want to stay-" Sirius started, silenced by his friend's raised hand. "-with you." He finished quietly, shoulders sagging slightly.

"No no, Sirius. I am fine here, with my boring books. You don't need to feel all sorry for me, I'l be fine here. Now shoo, and you can tell me all the gritty nasty details later when you get back, ok? And I'll pretend to be interested, as usual, and then we can go to sleep and repeat this whole lovely process tomorrow." Remus declared, picking up a novel and flipping through briefly.

"Bye Moony." Sirius whispered sadly, realising his presence probably wasn't welcome. "I'll see you tonight, yeah?" He asked, head tilting as he stood to leave.

"Yes, feel free to wake me up if you come back after I've gone to bed." Remus smiled, not looking up from his book. "Bye Pads."


"Lets get this started then, darling." The voice at the door stated, as Sirius turned to face his partner. "Shall we start the usual, eh?" Lips muttered lightly, swelled chest pressing against the front of the Gryffindor.

"Of course, darling." Sirius replied, hands stroking the pale soft body in front of him. Clothes were shed quickly, and a cool eyebrow was raised at the lack of enthusiasm shown by the marauder. "I need a bit of time to...warm up a bit." Sirius muttered, stroking the cheek in front of him.

"No problem, love." Lips mouthed, lean body sliding down Sirius to reach the sensual area. Sirius moaned hopefully, watching as small hands played and stroked, lips slid and sucked, teeth scraped and ran.

Eventually, a sigh escaped tired lips and his partner broke contact, leaning back as Sirius blushed lightly, staring at the ceiling in frustration. His partner stood, standing close to Sirius and stroking his face lightly.

"Maybe you just need some time, darling. You might be tired, or have not eaten enough iron, or overworked the poor thing. Come back to me in a week, yes?" Lips muttered into his ear, as hands ran through his thick hair comfortingly.

"I will, sweetness." Sirius muttered, placing a chaste kiss on the lips in front of him. Slipping back into his clothes tersely, he walked out, breaking into a run as he headed for his dorms, confused contradictions racing through his mind.


"James. James. Potter. Prongs. M'Prongster. Prongsie Prong Prong. James." Oh for Gods sake why the hell wont you shut the fu-

"Buggeroff" James moaned, attempting to roll over only to be stopped by something. Or rather someone. "Whaddayadoin? Why're ya straddling meee" James groaned, hitting the heavy lump with a limp fist, as he squinted into the blurry darkness to spot a large form glaring over him.

"James. Its me, Paddy. Can we talk?" James heard his friend mutter as he threw on his glasses and glanced at the clock. 3.15. Great. Fan flipping tastic. So much for bloody sleep.

"Well. I'm bloody awake now, so we might as well." James huffed, examining the muscular teen above him. Well. There's about a million men, women and sea-frogs that would love to be where I am right now. James thought with a smile, before realising that he was definitely not a member of that million, and that having his friend straddle him like this was highly disturbing. James examined his friend once more, noting the mild panicked look that radiated in his eyes. "What's up? And why are you talking to me about it, Moons is normally your go-to guy on the important Hey-I'm-Sirius-and-I-need-to-talk-now-regardless-of-the-inhumane-hour-of-the-morning parts of your life." James asked, glaring at his friend. "And this is, by the way, a very inhumane hour. Surely you could have just waited till the bloody morning."

"I would have gone to Rem, but I can't. Not about this." Despite the quip on the end of James' tongue, he held it in due to the embarrassment on his best friend's face, flushed from whatever ails were held within him. "Its... its a problem I don't want him to know about. Anyone to know about, actually. But I need to tell someone now, its killing me."

"Ok then. Spill." James stated, eyebrows raised in anticipation for the 'big secret' of the hour.

"Well... I was with a guy last week..." Sirius whispered, sending a cursory glance over at Remus to ensure the naive teen was still asleep. James rolled his eyes, unsurprised at his friend's latest sexual exploits. "He was handsome, and funny, and tall, and had pretty much everything going for him. He invited me back to his dorm, and -"

"Please to God, Sirius, spare me the gruesome details!" James exclaimed quietly, his hands covering his ears playfully, only to return to his sides at Sirius' unamused face. If that didn't make Sirius smile, James knew this was serious. He dropped his hands back to his sides, patting Sirius' leg lightly. "Go on." James egged, as Sirius took a deep breath to compose himself.

"I couldn't pitch a tent." At James' confused look, Sirius tried again. "I couldn't raise the flag. I couldn't awaken the snake."

"You what? Speak in english, Sirius." James stated, noting the furious blush that was now spreading across his friend's cheeks. "Sirius? What's wrong. I can't help you if I don't-"

"I couldn't get it up." Sirius stated, avoiding the face of his best friend, whose voice rapidly died in his throat with a soft 'oh'. "Its the first time its ever happened to me. I don't know what was wrong, It just wasn't there. I-We tried everything. Everything. And it just wouldn't... Well..."

"Ok. I get you. You can stop." James stated, pushing Sirius off his lap so that he could sit upright. Dragging a hand through his disheveled hair, the be-speckled boy looked at his friend once more, noting the frustrated frown that marred his friend's features. "Maybe you're not gay then." James tried, hoping to ease his friend's worries. "Why don't you try getting with a few women, see if that makes any difference to Little Sirius."

"Well." Sirius sighed, looking even more lost. "I may have already tried that. Lots. When he couldn't get me - you know, going - I figured I'd see if gender made any difference. I've been to all my old favourites - Esmerelda, Penelope, Yollanda, and nothing. Thought then that maybe Big Sirius was after something different, so went into town and met up with some lovely young ladies that I've never tried before. Not even a quiver. I've had to run off with some lame ass excuses from all of them." Sirius muffled, wrapping his gangly arms around his legs briefly. James sat opposite his friend, lost for what to say. "I think the ol' Casanova of Hogwarts may have to go temporarily celibate." Sirius whispered, a smile finally gracing his features. "Lord knows how Hogwarts will progress without my sexual talents." He mumbled softly.

"Just give yourself a bit of time, mate. You don't have to get with someone within a nanosecond. Maybe Little Sirius wants to know the person he's, well, entering, before he knocks. If he is doing the knocking, of course. I don't want to know if he is the one knocking though. Though now that I ment-"

"I don't even know myself yet James, I haven't got that far with a man, so we can assume for now that I will be doing the, ahem, knocking." Sirius answered, cheeks flushing a furious shade of red. "This has never been a problem before. I don't see why Gargantuan Sirius has to, well, get acquainted, with my latest fuckbuddy now. Its never been a bloody problem before. He was happy with whatever was presented to him, as long as it wasn't completely horrific.

"Maybe he wants more than sex. Or maybe Miniscule Sirius knows exactly who he wants to have sex with, and isn't going to comply until you give into his demands." James suggested, wrinkling his nose as he contemplated.

"Colossal Sirius has not been so kind as to tell me if there is anyone who he wants to have sex with, unfortunately." Sirius announced, looking downwards at his trousers. "Come on, big man, give me a sign at least?"

"Well then, I guess you'll just have to get by for a bit until you get your mojo back." James whispered, leaning back onto his bed. "Now if you excuse me, I'd like to get some shut eye, so night night Padfoot, I hope you work this crap out soon, for your own sake."

"Night Prongs, you bloody unhelpful git." Sirius muttered, clobbering his friend round the head as he left the cramped four poster. However, as opposed to going to his own bed, the dark adult walked over to Remus' layer, peeking his head through the curtains and whispering 'Rem' lightly.

James watched from his own bed as the werewolf let the pureblood into his bed without a second thought, moving over slightly to accommodate the tanned teen. James watched as they talked in hushed tones, their canine and lupine senses allowing the conversation to be dimmer than James could hear. James watched as they finally said goodnight to one another, Sirius laying his head as close to Remus' as possible, eyes tracing the werewolf's face until eyelids drooped and sleep finally overtook the canine.

And he couldn't help but wonder. What If.


Shameless Self Promotion - Black Boxers & Quidditch pitches. Yummy RLSB smut. R&R pleasee =]

Song of the week - Killing Moon, Echo And The Bunnymen

Question Of The Week - Why don't they have to learn chemistry at Hogwarts? Do chemical processes work the same way according to the magical world - ie, do they still believe in the presence of electrons, protons, nucleophilic substitution, or is all this explained by some sort of magical process instead? (Yes, I know I'm a sad act for thinking about this, but I was revising chemistry whilst looking at a copy of HP...)