Hello friends. It has been six whole years since this story has been updated. In that time I have gotten a Bachelor's, Master's and most importantly a boyfriend. Since I am finally out of school, I'm trying to return to writing, and after suffering enormous writer's block, I decided to return to the only story I ever managed to write an outline for. And then I accidentally deleted the outline. But regardless, I am here to get to the finish line. I want to finish this story. Especially because it is slow burn, and I want to write at least one honest to god love scene. So if you're here, welcome back. I missed you too. And if not, that's fair, but you wouldn't be reading this. Enjoy.
- Eight –
A few weeks later…
"I think your mom would react better with me there," Ella suggested as she dropped her purse and shopping bags onto the massive leather sectional before doing so herself. "Jane and I are pals."
He looked up from the massive desk across the room where he had spread out piles of documents regarding their finances. Thankfully there was still money coming in from smart investments his father had made before he died, and a decent amount of money in his trust fund that his mother hadn't been able to touch. They also had the income coming in from renting out their homes in California, but it wasn't enough to offset the cost of letting his mom's palatial apartment on Fifth Avenue.
He closed the folio he'd used to compile the plans he and Robert had discussed before he dropped next to her on the sofa. She playfully took his hand, and he let her.
"Unfortunately, I think this is a one-man job," he said, letting out a sigh. "I just hope she goes for it."
He and Robert had decided that the only way to assure the future security of the family budget was to sign the decisions over to Logan. If they could accomplish that, the next step would be to downsize where his mother was living. He had considered moving her to New Jersey but decided that she couldn't take the shock of it. Instead, he found a brownstone that had recently been updated. It was smaller than she was used to, but it was in a wealthy neighborhood, and they could afford to buy it outright.
"And you made a reservation at a nice restaurant, so she can't have a full meltdown?" she asked, though they'd gone over the plan enough times. He nodded. "And when you're done, I'll be waiting here. Maybe some Netflix and chill?"
He rolled his eyes and released her hand. He could sense her disappointment. Since they'd been reintroduced, she'd been clear that she was interested in him. And Logan, he was not not interested per se…but he certainly didn't see the sense in encouraging her.
"Is it because you're bi?" she asked smartly. He had mentioned as much to her during a long conversation in which he'd alluded to his disinterest while remaining vague about why. "I'm a very attractive girl you know."
And she was. Trim figure, nice tits, blonde. Honestly, she was a ten. But he was still so in his head. He hadn't seen or heard from Kendall in weeks, but he still wasn't comfortable with the way they left things. He wasn't available for anyone.
"You are very attractive," he parroted back to her, "but I'm too overwhelmed by everything going on to be attracted to anyone right now."
And it was true. Apart from the occasional reoccurrence of the break-up nightmare, he hadn't even had much time to think of Kendall. He was too busy calling advisors and realtors and keeping his mother too busy to make large purchases. Tonight, they were having dinner for the fourth night that week, but this time would be different because he was bringing the folio with him.
She rolled her eyes and started rifling through her bags, "Well regardless, I'll be here when you get back. I can keep myself busy."
He removed himself to his room where he dressed for dinner before calling an Uber. He still hadn't convinced his mother to cancel her limo service, but he could only pick certain battles. The service was still cheaper than her Mercedes. She'd had some appointments today, so they'd be meeting at the restaurant.
He arrived first, ordering for them in the hopes that she would be content without ordering the priciest items on the menu. He even convinced the waiter to hide the label on the mid-line bottle of wine, knowing that his mother couldn't taste the difference. She arrived in a flurry, fifteen minutes late but stunning as ever. She was all sleek lines and tasteful touches, but as she'd once admitted to him, it took a lot of money to look this elegant.
She paused when she saw that he had already ordered, and again when she saw the folio in place of a menu. She glanced at the glass of wine and called the waiter over to ask for an additional gin and tonic.
"So mom," he started gently. She held up a finger and gulped down her drink, before nodding for him to go on. "I think you know why we're here."
She opened the folio and made the motion of looking at all the numbers and investments before closing it and setting it aside.
"You know, I can't help myself," she admitted. "But I know I've raised a good son. Whatever part I've had in it anyway."
She took a sip of her wine now, "I'll sign. But with a few conditions."
He had expected as much, "You can't keep the apartment."
"I didn't like it much anyway." She lied. "But I must have a reasonable allowance."
"We can negotiate the meaning of reasonable later," he teased.
She gathered herself before making her next request, "And Clay should also have an allowance."
Logan resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He had given Clay a chance as his mother had asked of him, but he hadn't been at all impressed. He spent most of his time in the weight room, which he was sure served his mother's purposes, but he didn't seem to have any other redeeming qualities, or any income of his own.
"About Clay, mom—"
"Logan Hortense Mitchell, he is my friend and he will be taken care of," she declared. "When I had to move here, I was so alone, and he was a comfort to me. And when you change your mind and go back to the West Coast, he'll still be here for me."
He doubted as much, especially with Logan holding the purse strings, but he couldn't tell that to his mother. He also needed her to sign the papers.
He sighed, "A reasonable allowance for both you and Clay."
She nodded succinctly and reached out, "Do you have a pen?"
"It has to be witnessed," he reminded her. She sighed and called the waiter over again.
"Darling, could you sign this for me?" she asked him. Her tone gave him no room to question, and he pulled out his pen and clicked it to sign the witness line. She signed above, before closing the folio again and handing it back to Logan. "Now may we please have our dinner?"
Returning home, Logan found Ella asleep on the couch. He tucked the covers over her shoulder, before retiring to his room. Throwing himself on the bed, he felt loneliness catch up to him, and not the sort that waking Ella would fill.
Instead, he called his cousin, and asked after the boys and her in-laws. When the conversation turns to her sister-in-law, he braced himself.
"She's happier than I've ever seen her," Maria spieled. "And I think she's cheering him up as well. I hope she's ready to sign on for everything that comes with falling for a musician."
So that's it then.
"Hey Ree, dinner with mom really took it out of me, I think I'm gonna head to bed," he muttered, cutting her off. She seemed to question why he had suddenly become tired, but the boys began to wrestle, and she had to run off to tear them apart.
He laid back as a heavy echo of sadness took over his chest. It wasn't enough to bubble up into tears, but enough to make his chest ache, creeping up into his throat and trying to smother him. He buried himself deep under the covers and tried to sleep, but it would not come.
"Logan, you're not ready?" his mother asked when he appeared in the living room, dressed casually. He noticed immediately that he was the only one.
Ella and his mother were both stylishly dressed for an event, and even Clay had put in an effort. He was hardly Logan's type, but he could certainly clean up well. He was laid out on the couch, waiting for his mother like the kept man he was.
He had only come this far because he had plans of his own, and he mentally ran through his schedule, unable to remember a conflict.
"Come on Logie, go throw something on," Ella suggested, squeezing his arm, but he hesitated. She noticed and provided, "Jane is going to introduce to some of her contacts in the industry. There's a gala tonight. Did you forget?"
"I can't forget what I wasn't told," he muttered. "I'm sorry everyone, but I have other plans."
"Well, I'm sure you can cancel them," his mother provided, adding that she had gotten his tux laundered for the evening.
"I've made another commitment mother, I'm going to stick to it," he said, readying himself to leave. "James is a good friend and he needs my support tonight."
"But don't I need your support too? This could be important for my career!" Ella pouted, her eyes glossing over. She knew how to get what she wanted. But not this time.
He avoided the question. "I hope you have a lovely evening."
He left before they could further question him.
He took the subway to the gallery in the Village, much further downtown than his mother would have liked. He had neglected James while he'd been back in town, but they'd both been busy getting back on their feet. He hadn't asked many questions when one of his best friends had downsized to a significantly smaller apartment and took on nights as a waiter to continue supporting his photography, but at the time he'd had a lot going on himself. When James asked him to come to the opening of his show at the tiny gallery-slash-bistro he knew it would be an opportunity to reconnect. The last time they'd talked, really talked, had been after the break up, though even then details had been vague.
As he came in from the rain, he saw James immediately. He was nervously conversing with some smartly dressed guests. He had cut his hair short and had begun wearing glasses instead of contacts. Logan noticed that something had aged his attractive friend. His face was still buoyant and charming, but there were wrinkles around his eyes where there hadn't been before.
He ordered two glasses of wine and brought one to his friend, gently interrupting the discussion of composition and contrast. The patrons were happy to keep examining his work and continued their path around the room.
"It's going well I take it?" Logan asked, as James took in a deep breath he'd been holding.
"So far," he breathed, before taking a rather large sip of wine. "They were from the Village Voice. Hopefully they like what they see."
Logan glanced around the room. James had exposed each photo in grayscale and let the subjects speak for themselves. Each photo was an interpretation of a couple in some sort of lovemaking: a woman lying under a tree, her head in a man's lap while she reads to him and he stares at her like she's made of starlight, two teenagers dangling their hands between each other in a park, two men about to kiss under club lights. He felt both pain and joy when he looked at them. But they were spectacular. He told James as much.
"I needed a happy subject for once," he answered. "And I think people are responding really well to it. I'm glad it's out."
"Maybe now I'll be able to see you more often," he provided. "I feel like it's been years. And I could really use a friend. I don't have hardly any now."
In this moment he realized that he had forgotten Ella but found that didn't want to correct himself. Instead he shook his head, "I'm really sorry we fell out of touch."
"It happens," James shrugged. "We were both too involved with ourselves for a while. We both had a wake-up and you're here. You showed up. Not everyone would."
James was right about all but one thing. He hadn't been involved with himself, he'd been involved with Kendall. Just thinking of the name brought back the pain he'd felt the other night when he spoke to his cousin, and he tried to focus on the objects in the room. Unfortunately, the happy couples on the walls were not what he needed to move past thoughts of Kendall. Instead, he closed himself off in the hopes it would staunch the flow of emotion.
"Well I'm going to let you get back to your public," he hedged, before giving his friend a genuine hug. "Seriously, congratulations on all of this. I'm glad things are working out for you. Remember, you have my number."
He stepped back out into the cold rain and walked the streets for a while. He couldn't stop thinking of the photographs, hands being held and stolen kisses. He thought of Kendall, and the scar on his thumb that his thumb ran over absently when they held hands. He remembered the night of their first date when Kendall had pulled him into a doorway to kiss him, unsure how open Logan was. While he remained closed off, that kiss had driven a hole that still burned in his wall of privacy. He could feel it gnawing away.
If he had the chance again, he would kiss Kendall anywhere. He would kiss him in Times Square on New Year's Eve, and not worry if they were caught on camera. He would kiss him on the subway and not care who watched. He would drive up to Aunt Elinor's front stoop, ring the doorbell, then kiss him thoroughly there too.
Instead, his mind turned to thoughts of Kendall and Lucy, their hands, their lips, and then the edges burned red as he saw more. He found himself at a bar, ordering shots. It was the only place he was alone. Wide open in public, and painfully alone.
But as lonely as he was, these days he was never alone. It was late, but not too late for his aunt. Especially with the increasing meddling of his mother and Elliot.
"Logan dear, I hear that you shunned your poor mother," Logan rolled his eyes and ordered another shot. Subtlety was not one of his aunt's strong suits, and Jane was only her favorite niece when she wanted something.
"I was spending the night with a good friend," he answered. "And she gave me no notice."
"Well I hear that beautiful Elliot girl was disappointed. I had my nurse find her on the Facebook so I could see what all the fuss was about," she paused. "It's worth making a fuss Logan."
"That's fine Elinor, but I don't love Elliot," he had been drinking and the truth was easy to come by.
He heard a muffled grunt, "Logan, I know you value my advice. Which is why I'm going to tell you this. Sometimes, you don't need love. I loved my husband, and he ran off with a younger woman fifty years ago. What you need is companionship. A match. Someone who is compatible with the life you have. And this Elliot girl, your mother loves her, she is appropriate for you in age, in looks, in wealth and circumstance. It makes sense Logan, and I know you have enough sense to see that."
When he didn't answer she added, "Do you want to end up like me? Old and alone?"
"I love you Aunt Elinor," he said before hanging up. He wanted to pretend her words meant nothing. But here is was in the middle of Manhattan, and he felt utterly alone. If he hadn't remembered that kiss, and the way Kendall had made him feel authentic, even when they were hiding, even when they were a secret, he may have given in altogether.
He had been surprised to get a text the next day from Katie Knight. She was in New York and had attended the same gala that he had so rudely missed. When she had run into his mother, they had a rather uncomfortable discussion of the dolphins at the bottom of the pool, but it also given her an excuse to reach out to him.
They met at a wine bar, where Katie was easy to spot with her long legs and model looks. She looked like she was posing for a photo until she spotted him, and a playful smirk played on her face. He wasn't sure how to greet her, but she jumped up to give him a two-cheek kiss.
"I'm sorry, I'm practicing," she said as she sat back down, her posture slacking a bit. "It's all an act. But law school isn't going to pay for itself and I won't let Kendall do it."
She was doing some modeling, able to network while taking some classes at NYU. Eventually she wanted to go to law school and become an agent. A damn good one.
"I'm glad to have some friends on this coast," he answered, pretending he wasn't fazed by the mention of her brother. He thought about him all the time, but he never spoke about him. Never.
"I don't know about that. I met your friend Elliot. According to her she's a very good friend," Katie's face showed her amusement. "She's, uh, nice."
"She's something, yeah."
"Does she know that you…?" she glanced around to make sure no one was watching, the slyly mimed a vulgar gesture with a twitch of her hand and her tongue pressed to the inside of her cheek.
He was scandalized, but chuckled. It was both nerve wracking and refreshing to be able to discuss these things so openly as he'd never been able to before. When he couldn't respond, she spoke up in a normal tone of voice, "Logan, we can sit here and discuss you sucking my brother's dick all day," he sunk lower in his seat. "But I came to tell you something my brother probably doesn't want you to know. He's here."
He couldn't help but glance around the bar. She shook her head. "Not here here idiot. Here in Manhattan."
"Shouldn't he be in California?" he asked, pretending that the bottom hadn't dropped out from under him. "What about the wedding?"
"The wedding?" she asked, before the realization dawned on her face. "You mean Carlos's wedding?"
He couldn't respond, but his face told her what he couldn't.
Finally, he managed to say, "Lucy?"
"Is marrying Carlos," she answered, giving him room to feel his shock. "He spent so much time with her when she was recovering that she couldn't help but fall for him."
"And Kendall?"
"Logan, he's been here the whole time. He left two days after you did. He didn't want to lead her on. I've told you, he's not over you. And if he tried, he could certainly do better than Lucy. No offense."
He could feel himself spiraling, and she had the good sense to get him another large glass of wine, "The whole time?"
"Frankly, I don't know how you haven't run into each other yet."
It was only a matter of time of course.
Ella had insisted they go on a coffee run, but when the taxi dropped them off, she ran inside to escape the cold. He was left to pay the fare, and by the time he finished he could see her in line to order.
In his rush to enter the vestibule, he opened the door right into someone. Immediately he began to apologize, and then he looked up.
And there he was. And Logan couldn't speak. He was out of practice. But then, without thinking, he smiled. For the first time, in such a long time, he was happy to see him.
And he could see on Kendall's face the confusion and conflict, but he could see the same flash of excitement.
"You're here," Logan said. And that's all he could say.
In the next moment, Elliot was there, her arm around his, handing him a coffee and kissing his cheek. When he looked up to introduce them, all he saw was Kendall's back retreating through the doorway.
"Who was that?" she asked. And he couldn't answer.
This time his mother had been sure to give him ample time to orient his social calendar around this Charity Ball. She had also done him favor of ordering a tux, black pants but with a blue velvet sports coat. It would perfectly match the blue of Elliot's dress. She thought they would look stunning. He thought they would look like Prom King and Queen.
But still, the drinks would be free, so he accepted the invitation. Following his mother and Clay down the red carpet with Ella on his arm. He smiled every time she tugged him to stop for a photographer, and he allowed her to kiss his cheek for the photos. He could see his mother beaming, but he was elsewhere. This was a star-studded event, and he couldn't help but wonder whether Kendall would be there. Maybe this time he would find the words he couldn't find before.
The found champagne and were ushered to their table. They had found the place cards, and Logan greeted the others at their table. His throat caught as he realized that Kendall was seated directly across from him. He rose to shake hands, as was polite to do at these things, but as he did Logan's heart stopped.
For an instant, his thumb brushed along the palm of Kendall's hand. He felt the scar along his thumb and the callouses on his fingers. He felt the warmth of his touch for the first time in ages, and then it was gone again.
As they sat, Ella began to hang onto him, making flirty gestures of grooming him, fixing his bowtie, sliding her fingers along his hand. He wanted so much to shove her off, but he knew he couldn't. On one side of the table, his mother watched with knowing eyes. On the other side of the table, he refused to look, but knew that Kendall was staring at them in a different way.
Kendall's eyes were hazel, but when he became jealous, they were green as jade. Just as cool and icy. And he could feel them boring into him like an emerald laser beam.
There was the distraction of food, when Ella had to return to her own space, but once she had finished dessert she began to play with his collar. He swatted her away, but it was too late.
Kendall shoved his seat out abruptly, before apologizing and excusing himself. Logan rose in an arcane gesture of respect, but when he saw that Kendall was really leaving, he followed. He managed to stop him just before he reached the coat room.
He didn't know what he had planned to say, all he knew was that he had to say something. He caught Kendall by the sleeve, and the taller man turned to face him.
"Stay," was all he could manage. He was hardly convincing. Logan would have rather followed him out the door than return to the pawing and prodding and peacocking of the gala.
Kendall was firm, "There isn't anything worth staying for."
And in the pit of his stomach, Logan knew that in that moment, he meant it.
