A/N: Yes I know it's been forever and I'm sorry. Thank you so much for all the reviews that have kept me going.

Chapter Seven: A Night in the Life of Gilderoy Lockhart

It was midnight and the owls were all dozing in the Owlery, the house elves were snoring in their little beds and Gilderoy Lockhart was stalking silently through the corridors and halls to Gryffindor Tower. He was dressed in a black body stocking that showed off his muscles to their best advantage despite the fact that the last thing he wanted was to be seen that night. But at least the portraits can appreciate my fabulous physique, he told himself.

As a matter of fact the portraits were all fast asleep, besides the Fat Lady and a certain distinguished gentleman from a portrait painted and spelled in the 1800's who were meeting in a beautiful landscape painting which, to the Fat Lady's delight, included a cliché romantic sunset. Luckily for Gilderoy the entrance to the Gryffindor Tower was left open (the Fat Lady didn't want to get into trouble if there was a fire or some similar catastrophe) and he pranced forwards on his tippy-toes.

The first thing that assaulted Gilderoy was the smell and he recoiled in horror. Old Quidditch socks mingled with a certain something he couldn't define. This was undoubtedly a place where teenage boys reigned supreme. He shuddered. Probably some of the Gryffindor girls had attempted Smell-like-a-rose charms in attempt to improve the odour. Gilderoy suspected the socks by themselves would have been less pungent. He decided to plough through as quickly as possible.

This was, however, only the first thing that he noticed. The second was a muffled giggling and groaning coming from one of the sofa's hidden by shadows. Assuming that someone hadn't cast an animation charm on the furniture and the room was in fact occupied, Gilderoy stopped mid step and promptly fell into a very graceful heap on the floor. Oh shiny diamonds! He could get fired for this. Sneaking into a teenager's bedroom at might was very possibly one of those things that people would misunderstand. He closed his eyes in horror. Especially with Potter looking so pretty all of a sudden.

However at that moment a shadow of something like courage entered his face, which would have startled anyone who would have happened to see it. He must continue. This situation could not be tolerated.

'Ohhhhhh Seamus!' Giggle. Giggle. Sigh.

It shouldn't be too difficult to get past those two. They were well and truly wrapped up in each other and that haze known as teenage hormones.

And, reflected Gilderoy, Headmaster Dumbledore had been remarkably forgiving about the whole Obliviate incident, saying only that he had learnt his lesson. But he had better hurry, he checked his pocket watch, Veela boy and Professor Snape and the others would be coming in about half an hour.

'Ohhhhh Blaise!' A more masculine voice rang out this time and was followed by a thump. Gilderoy deduced that this Seamus had just been whacked round the head. He ducked into the doorway that would lead to the boy's dormitories, hearing a shrill voice echo behind him.

'Bunny!' Smack. 'My. Name. Is. Bunny.' A smack punctuated each word.

'Sweety...Honey...' Seamus protested in vain.

'BUUNNNYYY!!' The Gryffindor that should have been a Hufflepuff screamed. Gilderoy decided he was better off far, far away from this argument as he looked behind and saw a shower of sparks coming from the end of the girl's wand. He hurried off up the stairs in search of Potter.

Several minutes later Gilderoy came down the stairs, levitating an unconscious Potter in front of him. Retrieving the brat had been easier than he had expected. Once he had actually found the correct room. There had been a rather embarrassing incident when he had stumbled into a store cupboard containing feminine "supplies", but having found him it had been a simple matter of Stupifying the beautiful unconscious boy.

It had been rather unfortunate of course, that he had managed to bump Potter into several painful corners of furniture before getting the hang of the Levitating charm; but as Potter had been unconscious he wouldn't have been able to feel a thing. The bruises that would mar the annoyingly flawless skin certainly made Gilderoy feel better. He poked his angelic head around the door leading to the Common Room. It was empty. The quarrelling couple had obviously taken their quarrelling elsewhere.

He hurried past the Fat Lady's portrait and down the corridor, Harry Potter floating in front of him. Now all he had to do was find somewhere to hide Potter until the morning. He smiled maliciously. Maybe the Owlery...

--

Professor Snape trailed reluctantly behind the procession lead exuberantly by the youngest member of the Malfoy household. It was peculiar, he reflected, how a little thing like being a Veela could make him suddenly hate his formerly beloved godson. The Pureblood teen was at present expounding on his fantasies about Potter, loudly.

'Of course for the summer months we'll retire to my French chateau. It's in Nice. We have some of the finest examples of Pre-Goblin rebellion art there. I'm sure Harry will love The Gorgian Knot of Snakes; it hangs in the First Reception Room.' Lupin was looking sceptically at him. 'Well maybe not,' he admitted reluctantly, 'but there are some gorgeous Phoenix portraits. Harry will look so beautiful there, the light in the evening will compliment him perfectly.'

Snape imagined hexing Draco's mouth shut and then stamping on him. Hard. Oh, he could hear the squelches!

'And of course Professor Lupin and Mr Black, you will have to come with us. We couldn't go all that time without seeing you. And Severus will need some company whilst Harry and I are otherwise occupied.' Draco actually had the nerve to grin suggestively at his godfather.

Snape trembled with the urge to hit him. He could rant for a week with just how much was wrong with what Draco had just said.

But the blasted Veela was continuing.

'And I suppose, Weasley that you and Granger will want to come as well.' Ron grunted in a way that could be taken as an affirmation. 'But you probably won't be interested once Harry and I start having children and there are screaming infants everywhere. I wonder how many Harry will want. I was thinking three or four, but Veela submissives are always compelled to have large families. I'll be happy just as long as they have Harry's eyes.' Snape would have been amused at the way Weasley went faintly green, if not for the fact that he was also holding back vomit.

What was more disturbing was the glint in Black's eyes.

Snape drew a sigh of relief as they finally arrived at Gryffindor Tower. Finally this inane chatter would be over, Draco would keep himself occupied with Potter and he'd be able to read the book he'd brought with him in peace. If only he could bring his portable potions kit, he thought longingly. But he didn't want to see what would happen if he exposed dangerous ingredients and experimental potions to Potter in front of his highly excitable, extremely vicious, future mate.

He was trailing so far behind the others that, as he was climbing the stairs up to Potter's room, he didn't know exactly what had happened. But he definitely heard Draco's animal-like shriek. He climbed the remaining stairs quickly, yet gracefully and stepped into the now nauseatingly familiar Gryffindor dormitory. Draco was pacing back and forth in agitation, animal almost completely taken control from rational wizard. The Gryffindor was nowhere in sight.

'So...Potter realised that he would be doing everyone a favour by staying away from here tonight?' Snape almost instantly regretted saying it when Draco turned to pace towards him, a growl rumbling beneath his chest.

He was almost ashamed of the gratitude he felt towards Weasley when he said, with that horribly thoughtless look on his face, 'But can't you just sense Harry out?' He broke off as he saw everyone look at him incredulously and said sulkily, 'Well it worked when Malfoy broke into our room the first time, you don't have to look at me like I'm Lockhart or something...'

'No...Ron...it's a good idea.' Snape was disgusted that the words coming out of the werewolf's mouth were actually warranted. 'It's just, we should have thought of that before.' They all turned to face Draco, who even now was staring into space with a kind of wild expression.

Weasley faced Black, 'So how exactly does this work? Does he read Harry's mind, or just sort of sniff him out?'

'I dunno. I think it's like Remus and chocolate, he just knows where it is.'

'If you've quite finished with your inane nattering, the veela in question has left the room.' Snape was already following his godson to wherever the damned Potter had hidden himself.

--

Stuck in the Owlery in the middle of the night with only a stretch black body stocking for cover, was not the most enjoyable experience that Gilderoy had gone through. As he shuddered as another cold gust of wind froze all his unmentionable parts, he reflected that maybe a pashmina scarf may have been in order. He scowled down at the cause of all his woes, whose porcelain cheeks were becomingly rosy with the cold.

The hard stone floor covered with owl pellets wasn't pleasant either, but Potter of course was levitating several feet above the excrement. He was contemplating letting the levitation spell, and Potter, drop, when he heard a strange growling sound accompanied by faint scraping. He cautiously poked his head out of one of the openings through which the owls entered and left and looked down the tower which seemed to stretch for miles.

He whipped his head back in, heart rate increasing rapidly. His eyes darted from side to side. By all that was sacred and purple, Draco Malfoy was climbing up the wall. And growling. He stumbled up, and then stumbled towards Potter, then stumbled towards the least faeces coated wall that he could see. This was a situation which he would need all his charm to escape from.

Somehow in all his stumbling, he must have triggered one of the ancient mechanisms, built into the castle around a thousand years ago, for as he backed against the, relatively clean, wall, he found himself backing a little further than he had expected. He saw a tunnel that seemed to lead to an ancient elaborate silver slide. Seeing a chance to escape, Gilderoy summoned Potter's still sleeping form and pulled him through the entrance, seeing it close just before the enraged Veela made his entrance. He slid down the slide with Potter, hearing in relief stone being shredded by diamond-hard claws.

After a long dizzying ride that made Gilderoy want to throw up all over his body stocking, he found himself thrown up into the air, Potter in front of him. As he span through the air, he considered what this evening could have been like; perhaps a nice chardonnay in the bath. Instead he looked in horror as he saw Potter land on a sofa (and in Helga's name who knew where that came from) and realised that very, very soon he would be landing on top of the little bastard.

He landed with an uncomfortable thud and looked fuzzily down into a face that he vaguely recognised and vaguely realised he detested. The reality of the situation coming back to him, he pushed himself up with his hands and looked around; The Slytherin Common Room. Well that explained the Silver Slide. They always needed new ways to sneak about the castle and pounce on unsuspecting Hufflepuffs. He shuddered at the memories. He was about to get up, when he heard low voices muttering, and getting louder. Swearing to himself, but ever so elegantly, he ducked down again against Potter. The brat had to be wearing some kind of perfume; there was no way a man or boy would naturally smell that good.

'Oh Seamusssss.' A male voice half-hissed, half groaned. Gilderoy rolled his eyes. This Seamus boy again. It was a wonder that he wasn't spreading diseases all over the castle.

'That's right Blaise, ugh, just like that, oh!' Gilderoy attempted to press his hands against his ears, but realised this brought him even closer to Potter. The minutes ticked by. The noises got louder. He started counting his awards to distract himself.

Most Charming Smile.

Squeal!

Fingernails of the Year (1994) (1995)

Moan.

Madame Sleek-Easy's Shiny Hair Trophy.

'Harder, HARDER!'

Softest Skin Award. (Sponsored by your good friends at Glamourie Glamour)

Thudding, which Gilderoy really didn't want to think more closely about.

As Gilderoy ran towards the end of his mental list, he noticed the room had become quiet, save harsh panting, and the occasional wet kiss. This was the time to get out of this style forsaken hell-hole. He pushed himself up again, so he could get a look around the room, and figure the best way out. It was then that the entrance to the common room slammed open.

--

Once they had caught up to Draco, clawing at stone walls whilst Owls fluttered and screeched up in the rafters, Weasley was exhausted, Black was frustrated, the werewolf had that disturbing glint in his eyes and Severus Snape was extremely pissed off.

If it wasn't enough that Draco had to choose Potter to live the rest of his life with, if it wasn't enough that he had to witness that atrocity every night; now Potter had them running all over the castle.

'Calm down Draco,' he ground out. 'This behaviour is not fitting of a Malfoy.' The Veela hissed in displeasure and went back to scraping the wall.

'While I am quite sure you need a manicure,' Snape drawled looking at deadly claws, 'has it occurred to you to identify Potter's location instead of idly decorating the wall.'

The Veela Spun round to glare at his godfather. Snape raised his eyebrow. Then Draco did that strange staring into the air thing again.

'He's this way.' Draco said before hurrying out of the Tower.

Snape followed the hurrying Veela and Gryffindors resignedly, thinking longingly of his book.

As they approached the Slytherin Common room, Snape was surprised enough at their destination to be jogged out of his self pity. How in the hell had a moron like Potter figured his way into the Slytherin Common Room?

The magic in the castle seemed to sense the Veela's rage, because as they approached it, the blank section of wall that concealed the entrance rippled quickly and the door shot open. Draco stormed in, the Gryffindors entering quickly behind, Snape followed, tired by the whole experience.

The roar that preceded his entrance did not bode well.

Upon entering, Snape was vaguely surprised to see Gilderoy Lockhart getting up hurriedly from on top of an unconscious Potter, who lay on one of the sofas. A suspicious smell was in the air. Draco was flexing his claws.

'What's up?' A slurred voice asked from against a wall in the corner. The six (including Lockhart) turned to see a half naked Finnegan and Zabini.

Snape closed his eyes for patience, then abandoned the idea and shouted, 'Detention! And put your clothes on. NOW!'

Zabini blushed and hurriedly pulled his trousers on. Finnegan nonchalantly followed suit, looking on curiously as Draco headed towards a sofa. It was then that he noticed Potter.

'What? Harry's here? What's Harry doing here?' Snape lamented the observational skills of the next generation.

Then Finnegan noticed Lockhart, 'Professor Lockhart?' He looked the professor up and down. 'What are you wearing?' Looking at the entirely too revealing costume Snape decided it was a good question. Perhaps selective sterilization was not the answer?

'Don't you belong in Gryffindor?' Lupin asked ironically.

'Right...well...I'll just be going.'

'Do that.' Snape bit out.

As the promiscuous Gryffindor exited the tension filled room he called back, 'Ron, let me know how Harry's doing in the morning. 'K mate? See you later Blaise.'

Zabini half-heartedly called something back. He then looked around nervously before slipping out of the common room saying, 'I'll just be going.'

By this time Draco had lifted Potter into his arms, removing the Stupefying spell, leaving the boy sleeping naturally.

'Where can I take him? We don't have much time.'

'Aren't your rooms near here Severus?' The werewolf asked.

Snape shuddered; he could already picture what was going to happen. Draco had headed out of the room, and there was no way he could see of stopping the creature. He would just have to endure it.

'We'll deal with you tomorrow,' he spat at Lockhart before going after his godson, leaving the professor standing there looking rather silly and absolutely petrified, in a black body stocking.

--

Severus Snape stood stoic as Draco got down to business with Potter in his personal rooms, surrounded by his personal possessions. Unfortunately for Severus Snape, his possessions consisted of a rather large quantity of stuffed toys. Instead of looking nauseous, as per usual, Weasley was looking in disbelief at the wall dedicated to bunny rabbits.

Lupin was unsuccessfully trying to hold back laughter.

Black wasn't even trying. Snape could imagine the blackmail that would occur after tonight.

He skulked in a corner. This was almost the worse night of his life.

The delay in finding Potter meant that it was far, far later than it should have been. Potter was stirring to consciousness just as Draco was finishing with him.

The Veela pranced out of the room, followed still by the Gryffindors.

Snape unfortunately was preoccupied with his misery, so didn't notice the others leaving.

He looked towards Potter in confusion just in time to see the boy's eyes fluttering open. Potter looked in confusion at Snape, then at the bunny rabbits, bears, unicorns and snakes; then he looked down at his naked body.

Then he screamed.

Snape sighed. He was going to have a hell of a job trying to explain this.