Central London in the morning. It was loud, hurried and completely, gloriously anonymous. Commuters in suits rushing in and out of the tube stations, office workers resentfully walking past the allure of the retail haven to shut themselves in claustrophobic offices for the monotony of the nine to five, tourists with their cameras already taking pictures of what Londoners found banal, normality.
Ronnie dragged herself around the shops, that's what shopping was for her now- a chore. Perhaps it was because she had very little to buy, very little purpose for being there in the first place, very little purposeā¦at all. Still, she had her task set out ahead of her, something she would set her mind to for the next twenty, forty, sixty minutes, however long it would take. That's what this was, another task, another short distraction. Not something she could enjoy because she just felt false, smiling at the shop assistants and pretending that everything was ok when all she really wanted to do was break down and scream at them that she wouldn't have a 'good day'... She never had a good day.
What she did appreciate was how Oxford Street got her out of Walford, it was completely different, different faces and no sympathetic glances from well meaning market traders. Sitting herself down on a bench she watched people, unknown faces rushing past getting on with their lives. Yes, the anonymity was painfully comforting. Nobody here knew who she was, nobody here cared who she was, nobody here even saw her. Absently she wondered what a life like that would be like, to live so close to other people, have them around you all the time and yet be invisible. Her eyes locked on a mother and daughter laughing together, their hands clutching onto a mass of shopping bags, they looked so happy. The daughter would have been the same age as Danielle, the mother was watching her with pure warmth as they laughed at a joke and Ronnie felt this unbelievable yearning. That should be her and Danielle, they should be walking around together, laughing and having fun.
Snapping herself away from the pair she reminded herself what she'd come to Oxford Street to do, she had a task to fulfill... Seduction. She spotted the exact place, it was classy, up-market and the ladies standing at the counter smiled encouragingly to see this beautiful woman in their establishment, especially so early in the morning when business was painfully slow.
Ronnie didn't bother to return their false smiles, she didn't need to. She didn't need to hide her anger or pain here. She could be the bitch and it didn't even matter. Turning away she let her eyes look over their range of lingerie, nothing too... Obvious, she told herself, no it had to be eye-catching, irresistible but subtle at the same time. She was on shaky ground with Jack at the moment, he was starting to see sex as a trap. Changing Jack's mind, convincing him that he was what she wanted, that she was fine, that this was all just moving on had been difficult and it had all been a lie.
Ronnie was disgusted with herself at the lengths she had gone to in order to 'reassure' Jack. She had spoken about Danielle. She tried to say the name as little as possible. Nobody had the right to hear it, nobody but her. Nobody should hear or say that name because Danielle was hers, hers and hers alone. And yet she had spoken to Jack about her, she had even lied, telling him that she would let Danielle go. It had turned her stomach and caused a sickening guilt to arise at her as she had spoken the lies but they were necessary. As soon as Jack was convinced, it was almost too easy, he was straight into bed and straight into her. So simple. But soon it would all pay off. She would have her little girl and it would all be ok.
Finally her eyes found what she was looking for, caressing the fabric she knew this was the perfect choice, dark blue it felt incredible and more importantly she knew she'd look incredible in it. Taking it to the counter the assistant nodded encouragingly placing it in a box and wrapping it in tissue whilst Ronnie paid.
Stepping outside she shivered slightly at how clinical this had all become. She wasn't even bothered about the act itself anymore, it was all calculated, all planned and all so much effort. But directly opposite, stood a glaring reminder of why she was doing what she was doing. Mothercare, standing there in all its glory, bright lights, happy faces and more importantly hope. She wouldn't go inside, not today, because she didn't trust herself not to buy anything and that would completely kill the mood. No she had to back up, let Jack relax and believe that she'd changed her mind about wanting a baby, only then would she be able to announce her happy little 'surprise'.
She stared at the shop for a few seconds longer than she should have done before turning on her heel, hope once again being replaced by emptiness. She'd never had the chance to walk into a shop like that with her child in tow or with the sterling confidence of a rounding bump. No the first time she hadn't been allowed to buy anything, she was made to feel ashamed. Now those feelings were returning. This was all so secretive. For a moment she hated Jack, loathed him with a fury because he was making her feel exactly as her father had done. He was making her hide.
The hatred soon passed when she remembered what he could give her, what he would give her in time. She urged thoughts from her head, instead choosing to count paving slabs or people or cars as they all passed, letting something else occupy her mind to flush out the thoughts of anything but the here and now. It was too painful otherwise.
After a while Ronnie's thoughts were beginning to stray from the thirty six red cars that had passed and she turned her attention to the shops. Nothing looked too appealing but Ronnie ventured into a couple, browsing mindlessly. There was one thing that caught her eye, nothing expensive, just a cardigan, it was brighter than possibly anything else she owned but she wanted it, and almost grabbed it off the rails in her haste to own the item. Bag in hand she left the shop and wandered again through the crowded streets, the small flash of yellow poking out of the bag.
Oxford Street passed and soon turned to Carnaby Street, Liberty standing alluringly on the corner, it was expensive but perfect. Ronnie smiled, one corner of her mouth turning up as she faced the shop. She browsed through the departments, almost tempted by the perfumes and chocolates but eventually found herself with the jewellery, where she wanted to be. Indulgence, retail therapy, Roxy would be proud.
Making her way from the tube station Ronnie was beginning to regret not having taken the bike instead, but there was never anywhere to park it and with congestion charges, it was all too much effort. Everything was effort. And there it was, Walford, once again. Even just an hour or so away had made her almost forget how stifling the place had become. Oh god, and there it was. Why, WHY had she chosen to take the tube? She stood frozen in place, there were still flowers on the side of the road, dead, wilted and forgotten, but still there. She wondered if anybody even noticed them anymore. Ronnie concentrated on breathing, just in and out, she focused on the action and wondered if she wasn't thinking about it so hard, if her body would still even bother.
Reaching the flat, Ronnie trudged her way inside, setting aside the myriad of memories threatening to engulf her and setting her mind to the task in hand. Lunch and seduction.
She sorted through the bags she'd come back with, she had to get rid of the bag that the underwear had come in, she didn't want to let on that she had bought it for this very occasion. Pulling the tags off and shoving them inside the bag she stuffed the empty bag inside one of the other empty bags and that inside another ready to throw. She placed the new cardigan carefully on a hanger and into the end of the wardrobe, stroking the sleeve softly, how it should be.
It wasn't long before Ronnie was sat in the kitchen, glass of wine in one hand and the other playing with her earring, one of her more indulgent purchases. The food was simmering on the hob and salad was already chopped and set in the bowl in the centre of the table. Ronnie sipped her wine, a far off look in her eyes as she fiddled with the jewellery in her ear. She missed the feeling of the necklace that should be around her neck, that had been for as long as she could bear to remember but she couldn't wear it now, it was to be kept for her and Danielle. She couldn't protect her child, but she would protect that, nobody would get to it, nobody would even see it. They didn't have the right.
Ronnie glanced down at her phone, it was almost two, Jack should be back any minute. She stood slowly, turning the heat on the stove down so it was barely on and made her way into the bedroom. She stripped off her top, leaving just her new underwear adorning her chest. She looked around the room, checking that there was no sign of most of her shopping, everything was as it was before. She grabbed an old t-shirt that she never wore and took it into the kitchen, splashing sauce from the pan onto it before taking it back into the bedroom and leaving it on the floor, the stain purposely visible.
It was another ten minutes before Ronnie finally heard the familiar sound of the key in the door and Jack's heavy footsteps as he moved through the flat.
"Ron? Ronnie?" Jack's voice called through the small flat as he searched for Ronnie. Eventually he arrived in the doorway of their bedroom.
"You're late." She said with a smile.
"Yeah, well. One of the deliveries was short wasn't it?" He looked her up and down, noticing her state of undress. "What are you doing?" Ronnie watched as his eyes lingered over her breasts in their dark blue encasement.
"Managed to splash sauce on my top." She replied, nodding her head towards the discarded item. As she turned away to put her other top back on she allowed herself a satisfied smile, feeling his eyes still lingering on her curves. It was almost too easy.
Lunch was spent pleasantly, only a few cutting comments from each about the state of the club and their finances. The entire time Jack's gaze would linger for a little too long on Ronnie's chest. She knew that he was thinking about what lay beneath the layers of fabric and sure enough, as soon as their meal was finished, as she stood to drop their empty plates into the sink, he wrapped his arms around her, his lips falling to her neck.
Locked together on their clumsy path towards the bedroom, Ronnie silently congratulated herself. Luring him in with a flash of promise and then letting him believe it was all his idea. They fell together onto the bed and she struggled out from underneath him to get a condom from the bathroom, grabbing a handful to move into the bedside drawer. Oh yes, it was far too easy.
