DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, OR ELSE KAKASHI WOULDN'T OF DIED! WHAAAAA!... I also don't own any song's used in here, otherwise this would be PUBLISHED!

KAKASHI'S DEAD! WHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

.... but yeah, I thought both of the last two chapter's were long, chapter two (chapter one not including the prolouge) was listed as 23 KB on my computer.... the last chapter listed 30 more at 53 KB...... that's a record for ME the last time I remember even READING something that long was a HAMTARO fan fic filled with MARY-SUES and about MAXWELL AND SANDY ON A DATE! AND IM PRETTY SURE THIS WAS STILL LONGER!......

maybe it's just my laziness, but that was freakishly long... now for the first Bond's chapter,

------------------Chapter 3: The Self-loveing Monster

"NAAAAAAAAAAAAARUTOOOOOO!!!" Jiraiya banged on my door trieing to wake me up, "PHOOOOOOOOONE FOR YOOOOOOOOU!!!"

I lazily rolled off my bed, I was up super late last night. And if it wern't for me and Sasuke's conversation last night I probably wouldn't of gotten up. I pulled the door open (I'm not totally sure if my eye's are open right now, nothing seem's to be registering,) "...EEEELOOOWAHHH?" I yawned

"HIIIIIIIIIII NARUTOOOOOO!!!" Konohamaru's voice woke me up a little, my ear suddenly ached and I noticed I'd gone to bed without changeing again,

"What is it Kono?" I moaned,

"Are you comeing to my birthday tonight Naruto!?"

"WHAT!?" I looked at the calander, yup, it's his birthday, "S-Sorry Konohamaru it almost slipped my mind! why didn't you remind me last night?!"

"....It slipped my mind!" I groaned, this kid's my clone or something, "Are you comeing!?"

"Huh? yea of course Kono, wouldn't miss it. I'll borrow some money and take a taxi,"

"Iruka say's we can go to a place there!"

I secretly groaned, I picked up a phonebook and kept pressing my hand down on page's untill it landed on a family restraunt, all the while moaning 'uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,' "mmmmm- Mr. Happy's Hunger House?"

"SOUND'S GREAT NARUTO! We'll pick you up at six!" He hung up before I could say anything. OF COURSE he talk's my ear off in the middle of the night but when we talk in the morning it's 'HI I'M GONNA MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL BYE!'.... What the heck is MISTER HAPPY'S!?

-----------Mr. Happy's Hunger House

"HELLO! WELCOME TO MISTER HAPPY'S! WE HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY UN-HUNGRY TIME!" The guy said, he wore a giant purple bear suit and a top hat with a red bow-tie. Oh geez I needa go sight-seeing in this town or something.

Worst of all Sasuke wasn't even here, he got a foster home (which is actually good cause he'll have more computer time) Kiba used the old 'I needa make sure Shino doesn't have any party's' excuse. And I'm the one that came up with that one,

So it was just me, Iruka, and the great three children, (Konohamaru, Udon, and Moegi, or as Konohamaru call's themself's 'Konohamaru Ninja Squad' which came from mine telling them about my name orgin. Or maybe cause of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's. I dunno, but back to the torture)

"Hi, we're here for our li'l Konohamaru here's birthday!" Iruka said ruffleing Konohamaru's hair,

"Of course!" They led us to an area at our left, "Would you like the 'special kiddiez and treatz' area?" He said gestureing to the area the was crawling with screaming kid's and looked like hell on earth, confetti was everywhere and I could of swore there were a couple dad's crieing, "Or the 'quiet time big-kidz calmy-calm' room?" He pointed to our right and there was a less populated area that looked like it even had a few lone adult's in it. Me, Iruka, and even Moegi shook our head's rapidly

We sat down and I realized that the reason for the adult's here might have been the price's, there was a extra chocolate sundae for twenty-five cent's. Turning I saw that there were two guy's behind us, one was geared up like a biker and the other looked like he could be on parole for something.

"Wow, look at these price's! Kid's order whatever you want, Even if your not hungry we're taking leftover's home," Me and Konohamaru started nameing off everything we saw that sounded half-way good, luckily I hadn't eaten, our waitress came. All the waitresses were wearing hoop skirt's with glittery jewelery and nail-polish with neon pink lipstick and their hair in big pig-tail's, also large shoe's.

"Hi! what will the special boy be haveing today?!" The cheery fam...iliar....voice.... sa...sa....saaaaiiiiid.....

"Yugito!?"

"Naruto!?!?!?!" She blasted turning as pink as her lip's,

"You work here!?"

"....I.... Have a part-time occupation." She said unsteadily,

"......That suck's!"

"Who's she Naruto!" Konohamaru exclaimed,

"A girl at my school, It's Konohamaru's birthday," I whispered in her ear "I couldn't think of anyother place to go" She nodded,

"Well! are we all ready yet?"

"We will in a minute, there's just so much on the list, thank you Yugito it was nice meeting you,"

"Thank you it's my pleasure, Oh! Naruto guess who else is here!" She said pointing to the booth behind her,

And, behind her, sat Gaara and his cronie's (Hey, I was gonna say it eventually!)

"....Iruka.... I'm gonna chat with my friend.... for... a ..... moment....." I got up and stumbled over too Gaara's table, "...Hi,"

"...Hi," Me and Gaara looked at eachother blankly for a moment untill I finally registered the tension comeing off his friend's,

"These guy's are?"

"My sibleing's,"

"Hi... I'm... Temari," The girl said, since she apparently knew I was from 'the club' she must have been decideing how unstable I was,

"I'm sane,"

"....M'kay,"

"Hey, I'm Kankuro,"

The girl settled into believeing my sanity, "He play's with doll's," The girl Temari wore a old fashioned pink housewife dress, with blonde hair in four pig-tail's and bright green eye's. The boy had a more modern ruffed-up look with a gray jersey and brown hair. Gaara wore a turtleneck and did his usual thing of leaning all over the table, Kankuro did simular as Temari sat straight with her hand's folded on her lap.... Weiiiiiird,

"What you guy's doin' here?" From the look of Temari's diamond choker they didn't seem tight on money

"Erm,"

"Kankuro, why are we here?" Gaara moaned,

"Um, well.... I couldn't think of where else to go?"

".....Same here," We all stared at eachother for a minute and then I waved and returned to the table,

"Naruto!"

"Yes Kono?"

"How come you know so many pretty girl's?!" Konohamaru exclaimed, Temari and Yugito who was waiting on the table next to us giggled,

Kankuro piped up, "Sorry shrimp, you needa have a collage scolarship secured by five to get a hook on this girl," Temari kicked him from under the table. And I think Gaara might of almost possibly laughed persumably even though that might of maybe seemed impossibley improbable and kinda-sorta very much maybe unlikely (although I haven't known him that long)

"What the f---ing hell c---!? I said EXTRA SPRINKLE'S DAMMIT!"

"Go to hell!" Yugito was argueing with the parole guy, not good.

"Gaaraaa," Kankuro moaned looking at the ensueing fight, "Noooot goooood,"

"Yugito! chiiiildreeeen!" Temari tried to calm her,

"There's a stand with sprinkle packet's FIVE FEET AWAY get em' yourself!"

"If I was gonna f---in' get my own food then I'd of STAYED HOME DAMMIT!!" He yelled, The kid's found this entertaining. And I was amazed that a kid would scream everytime he swore, makeing the perfect censor,

"Hidan calm down!" Said the other guy, who sounded like he's been yelling at him alot lately "If you cause too much a commotion then we'll get kicked out and still have to pay!" He looked at Yugito, "I'm sorry miss, could we just have it for free then?"

"IT'S TWENTY-FIVE F---ING CENT'S YOU BOMBOUS PEA-BRAINED PENNY-PINCHER!"

"Excuse me? Well I'm afraid that that attitude won't get you any pleasant word's to the manager,"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN YOU SWINEY F---- ---- --S!"

I got a plan, "Hey kid's! wanna take a quick visit to the other side?!" I said to Konohamaru's 'squad'

"Yeah kid's! I'll take you!" Temari jumped up and took their hand's and led them to the other side of the wall, she gave us a 'try not to get arrested' look,

CRASH

While I was worrying about Temari I soon noticed the bulky body of the potty-mouth guy being thrown through the window. Turning around, Yugito brushed her hand's off,

---Outside

The bikeing penny-pincher dragged the foul-mouth convict away without paying. Iruka tried to calm Yugito down who was only interested in saying sorry a thousand time's as she switched into a new mood. Kankuro stepped through the broken window to stand next to me, "Well that made my night, right?"

"Shyea," I said stareing as a van that looked simular to a gothic version of the Scooby-doo car zoomed over and picked the two up. Speeding away again,

"..... Soooo...... Your crazy?"

"Persumably, all that's been proven is that when under a large deal of stress I have a tendancy to burst into rage with incredible strength and kill people randomly... I also hear people screaming in my head,"

"....Really?"

".... Actually yes, it suck's ass,"

"Gaara has people talk to him," I turn to him, kinda zoned out by the incident to be surprised,

"....What do they sound like?"

"He didn't start talking about it till just yesterday," Oh my gawd so my gay pep-talk's WORK!? ".... He said it sound's like a texa's car salesman,"

"......Innnteresting..... I call mine Sue and Paul,"

"Heh, don't think I don't know what motivated him," He looked at me, "Your a regular monster-whisperer,"

"I am told that I have a pleasant Char-ezz-mah about me," I say standing streight acting like a dignified 'Chap'

"Heh, think you'd give me a few pointer's?" He said, sounding embarressingly serious, "I only met my baby brother yesterday,"

I look at him for a second, not really sure how to explain what I apparently do, "...Hm, I dunno, just, look the person in the eye, and, say what ya wanna say,"

"...Sound's annoyingly simple,"

"Guess it doe's to anti-social's,"

"Eyyy.... Ey," He pat's me on my shoulder and re-step's through the window. The lack 'o' noise brought Sue and Paul back,

They say that

A hero will save us

Not gonna stand here and wait

I'll hold onto the wing's of the hero's

Watch as they all fly away

Someone told me

Love cannot save us

How could that be

Look what love made us

All the killing

And blood-spilling

Don't change me

They say that

A hero will save us

Not gonna stand here and wait

I'll hold onto the wing's of the hero's

Watch as they all fly away

And their watching us

Watching

Their watching us

Watching

As we all

Fly away,

"Naruto!" Konohamaru's screech ripp's me out of my day dream's and silence's Sue n' Paul, "We get everything on the menu for free! come on we're gonna go home and celebrate!"

Yay,

Kiba.

-------Later

Kiba decided to tackle me the second he saw be walk inside. And Shino then helped me in beating him senseless after Iruka left the room, claming he inflicted the bruise's on himself. Which then led Kiba to introduceing me to his new dog, who I swear he had previously trained to bite me before I came. Nothing much happened afterward. Konohamaru and his friend's passed out from the excitement, Kiba became completely engrossed in playing with his mutt, and Shino was feeding the cake's to his ant's... Ew,

The taxi drove up, and Iruka saw me out as I yelled and made face's at Kiba through the window, "Naruto,"

"Hm, yea?"

" Take this," He handed me a paper with a phone number on it,

"Sasuke?"

"Yeah,"

"I feel like a cow, I didn't get Konohamaru anything,"

" All he wanted from you was for you to be there,"

"Not helping" I tried to joke, "... How's the school?"

"Kiba update's everyday, it seem's everyone's in the midst of gossip and that they think you've ran away to join the circus," He said smileing weakly,

"I have! really! tell them yes, have you not heard Jiraiya utter a sentance?" He laughed

"He seemed like a very... 'Cheery' man,"

" 'Cheery' 'Crazy' what's the dif? we all saw my girlfriend at Happy's,"

"Hm, I'm glad your makeing friend's Naruto,"

"Yeaaaah," I love Iruka but man is he boring me,

"I'll let you go now, " FINALLY!

"FINA-..al's will be great I'll ace em' " He gave me a stern look,

"Goodnight Naruto,"

"Goodnight really boring parody of a really boring scary movie that may or may not have something to do with bigfoot or anyother ledgendary creatuuuure,"

-----Ichiraku

You alway's reached out to me

And helped me believe

All those memories we share

I will cherish everyone of them

The truth of it is there's a right way to live

And you showed me

So now you live on in the word's of a song

Your a melody

You stand here with me now

"Get out" The cranky taxi driver groaned, why do I away's get the cranky one's?

I picked through my pocket's and made sure to take extra long to count it all out. He glared and sped off showering me with muddy water, at least I'll finally be sure to change tonight,

I slunked up the stair's secretly cocky about the worried glance Ayame gave me, I went inside and Jiraiya was hanging my the ceiling light,

"....Did we buy coffee today?"

"Nah, I just felt like this."

"...Innnteresting,"

"Have a nice time?"

"Splendidly,"

"Splen-did-diddily?"

"Splen-did-diddily d'oh!"

"YAY'S!"

"Do tha mango!"

"Hand me a screwdriver,"

I looked at him for a second trieing to register his seriousness, then walking under him and to the phone.

"Di-di-di-di-diddily-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-d'oh-d'oh," I sang waiting for the phone to pick up,

"Hellaow?" Somebody slurred angerly on the other end,

"Sasuke there?"

"...Chya-up, SASUKE!!!!" I pulled the phone away and waited for Sasuke's voice to come one,

"....Hmpf?"

"SASUKE! ow'ya doin?"

"Peaccum's"

"You mean it today, ARE YOU OKAY? ARE THEY MAKEING YOU WATCH BARNEY AND BRAIN-WASHING YOU TO BELIEVE YOUR FROM KENTUCKY!?"

"You need a brain to wash it, and as we all know you lost mine last summer,"

"I know what you did last summer,"

"I was looking for my brain in you shoebox, yea, Shino know's too, I stepped on a couple of his 'friend's' "

"MURDERER!"

"Oh oh CAN I TALK TO HIM!?" Jiraiya urged,

I stared at Jiraiya before warning Sasuke, "Jiraiya want's to talk to you, but be warned, I believe he's legally retarded,"

"ONLY in seven state's," He assure's before I hand him the phone,

"...Hi?"

"HELLO! sonny-puu! I just wanted to make sure that you and my darling boy are useing protection," I attempted to grap the phone back but he swung himself higher onto the ceiling,

"JirAIYA!"

"Yeeeees Docter Nick?" I snatch the phone and he proceed's to swing around, being distracted by the spinning room,

"You still there?"

"No, this is Nancy Drew and she would like to inform you that Sir Jerk-oh-yeah has infact been deemed insane by all fifty-two state's includeing Canada and Russia.. Also that your true identity is Anastasia, the missing Von-Trap singer, now please proceed to put on a dress or your right thumb will get a hangnail tomarrow,"

"Yes miss!" I hang up on him, And imagine him sitting there for three minute's before he finally hang's up. I also imagined his foster in a maid suit for some unexplained reason.

CRASH

I almost imagined Yugito had crashed through the window untill I saw Jiraiya on the floor with the ceiling light still in his hand's.

"Ouchie's"

"Ouchie-diddily ouch-ouch?"

"Ouchie-diddily ouch-ouch-o-mighty,"

"....."

".... Are you really gay?"

".....Only in gym class,"

That night, I finally changed my clothe's and put on my night-cap (YES I WEAR A NIGHTCAP! IT LOOK'S LIKE A ANGRY FROG EATING MY HEAD! DON'T TEASE CAUSE IT TOOK SASUKE THREE YEAR'S TO GET THEM TO STOP LAST TIME!..... AND NO I DON'T HAVE A OBBESSION WITH FROG'S DAMMIT!) I put the number on the night-stand and put on some nice... Calm.... Parody music on,

Yo check it out

I got a plan

Here's,

What I'm doin'

Those frat boy's at the club

Are lame

Let's start somethin'

It's just what

I'm used to

Just

Wanna screw it up

And your

What I'm gonna do

I kissed a boy

And I liked it

Got the honey's in the club excited

I kissed a boy

And I liked it

But homeboy was not about it

----Next day

....

Hm,

I got a hangnail on my right thumb.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorryz for lateness, It's just that my house got robbed and then my mom wrecked our only car and we've been needing to take a bus to the library.... Also that Gaara isn't excactly my favorite and it got boring in the middle (which is why it's so short and is barely about him at all.... Temari had more fic-time then him....) anyvay,

PLZ DONT STOP READING! I LIKE YUGITO AND INTEND TO MAKE HER CHAPTER LONG, INTERESTING, RANDOM, AND JUST A LITTLE CORNY..... YAYZ!... I also believe I may be getting sick.....

During the election's, thousand's of people said that Barrack Obama would only become the president of the United State's when pig's fly,

Low and behold, 100 day's into his term, we have the swine flu

XD