"I know what you're afraid of." John continued, his eyes focused on mine, utterly unshakable.
"What am I afraid of?" My voice a low, shaky pitch. I bit the inside of my lower lip apprehensively.
"I know you. You're afraid to go on. You wish to stay as you are. A part of you knows that you need to be rehabilitated, and the other part tells you that you and I would be closer if you continued needing to be healed. I promise you, that I will never abandon you."
I exhaled, immensely grateful. In my mind, truer words were never spoken. And I knew there was no amount of anything that I could conjure that would be adequate recompense. I had been left for dead by the world in its near entirety, and here he was fostering me. My hairs stood on end, my fingers trembled with unease. "John, kiss me." I moved in, holding his face. Mine was so close to his, the slightest advance would secure our lips.
"No Rivielle." He commanded. I obeyed, drawing back fast. He was taking my hands, I was searching my head for words but there was nothing in my mind except the restraint I was practicing. His fingers, pressing into my wrists and traveling up my arms, his contact was a live wire against my skin.
Please.
"You're here to be mended, not to be indulged in." The electric current was broken as he me go.
"Just this once." I whispered pleadingly.
"Once is one time too many for a fragile woman like yourself." He contended, never breaking his gaze. I leaned back in my chair, defeated.
"Like you, I know what it's like to reach for the unattainable. It's a powerless feeling."
"You have no idea." I held onto the armrests, throwing my head back with a heavy sigh. I allowed the graven silence to dominate. "Nevermind."
He was soundless, but I don't think he stopped minding. A few more moments passed with no sound but the sound of John's pencil on the paper, and his small coughing spells.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"There is nothing anyone can do for me. My condition is irreparable."
"Don't talk like that." I begged him.
"The truth often is the most painful."
As he finished his sentence, three knocks came at the door. The knob turned from the outside before John could speak permission of their entrance. My shoulders tensed as the door opened, revealing Amanda, a large wheeling cart behind her. Atop the cart was a metal piece, one of John's many devices, and it was covered with a white sheet. I looked away from the cart, and into her face. It was serious and now, disapproving. She tore her eyes from mine and focused on John as she reported, "It's finished. I wanted to test it for you first."
"Thank you Amanda. Please, go ahead. That is, if you don't mind a larger audience." John gestured to me, and she simply nodded, not acknowledging me any further.
I watched, absolutely captivated by this work she had completed in no more than a day and a half. She unveiled it swiftly, picking it up and placing it upon the desk before us. It was a wrought iron face mask of some sort, with holed out spaces for one's eyes and mouth. They proved useless to me, since I couldn't see how any living human would need them after wearing this mask properly. The face mask, opened up to reveal iron spikes protruding from all angles on it's inside. So many that, if closed shut on a person's face, they would die instantly, I had assumed. Amanda demonstrated it's capabilities upon a life-sized dummy she brought in. She unlocked the device, fitting it around the neck of the dummy and snapping it shut with a lock that she had a key for. She then set the spring timer and we watched as it counted down.
The sound of the merciless clicking timer attacked my nerves, forcing me to relive a traumatic experience I had connected with the sound itself. With each passing second, I became increasingly unnerved, getting worse and worse as I sensed what was to come. I held my stomach, biting my lip hard enough to produce a tiny bit liquid and a faint coppery taste. I did my best to contain my afflictions, so as not to give noticed to John that I was feeling very wrong. My eyes, glued to the dummy's device, watered and filled up as the timer counted down to its end, finishing with a 'tick' that was an unsettling finality. I covered my ears, somehow expecting a gunshot. I closed my eyes fiercely as the iron face mask automatically snapped shut, piercing the dummy's foam head from all points. As I deplorably allowed a small yelp to escape my lips, the dummy fell over with the force of the machine's final function. Amanda caught it, just before the apparatus collided with the floor. I didn't see this, as my face was obscured within my palms. Nevertheless, I could feel John's eyes on me. My reluctant tears dampened my hands.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm so –" I couldn't stop repeating myself.
"Enough." I was instantly hushed, but I couldn't tell what he was feeling by his tone of voice. "Amanda, please."
She looked away from me, placing the contraption back upon the cart and leaving swiftly. I sat there void for long before I could find my words. "I don't know what ha-happened-d. I was fine when she showed it to us, but when the timer started, I just lost it."
"You're stronger than you think." John contended.
My frown alleviated a bit. "Maybe you think I'm stronger than I am."
-
The clock said eleven thirty five when I arrived back downstairs. I felt myself wanting to pace, and knew I was anxious again. Mark wasn't downstairs when I returned and so I was alone. The quiet was almost too much to handle. So I went over some things to myself, turned on my heater and passed out, sprawled listlessly on my bed.
I was already awake when he told me to "Get up." I just hadn't opened my eyes yet. "No." I said, staying in my same position, eyes closed and body limp.
"Stop kidding around."
"I'm not fooling. I'm not going to do what you say unless you tell me something."
"Ask me then." I couldn't see his face, but Mark sounded annoyed.
I opened my eyes, sitting up. I turned to face him. "Last night, John promised me something."
He studied me, his eyes thoughtful. "What was it?"
"He promised me, he would never abandon me. I want you to do the same." I locked eyes with him, we stared long into each other. I was unwavering, he was hesitant.
Finally, he spoke. "What does it matter? John can't even keep that kind of a promise."
"Of course he can." I was offended.
"No he can't! He's going to abandon all of us eventually. I can show you his medical records if you'd like-"
"If you don't want to say it then just leave me be." I looked down, so as not to see his reaction.
"I don't." He said, watching me turn away from him, disenchanted. "But I will." He added.
I picked up my head, animated now. "Say it. I just need a little peace of mind."
"I will never abandon you." He was calm and direct.
"Promise?" I stood up, folding my arms.
"I promise." The corner of his lips turned up in a smirk that I couldn't deny. I let him take my waist, and plant a kiss on my cheek. I exhaled, leaning against him, not fully believing him but savoring this space in time.
-
Then, exactly one week later, I was losing my mind. Mark and John had disappeared earlier in the day, taking Amanda with them while I slept. Of course I knew this was all a part of John's latest game.
Why aren't I there too? Don't I have a role as well?
I sighed in frustration as I paced restlessly. I was ready to pull my hair out. I wanted to look around for any clues that might help me put two and two together, as to what they were all working on without me. But I knew snooping wasn't in my best interest. So I waited it out. It was an agonizing boredom and I could feel myself growing tenser listening to the clock's strokes.
"Damn it." I whispered to myself.
I laced my sneakers, and began walking down the halls towards the exit. I could faintly hear a car pulling up outside and I ran towards the sound. I pushed open the side door, and stepped out into the night. I saw the van, parked out in front. Mark was behind the wheel, a cloaked John sitting in the passenger seat. From where I stood, I saw Mark beckoning me to come.
You don't have to tell me twice.
I made an excited dash towards them, pulling open the side door and hopping in. I sat behind Mark and buckled myself in. "Where are we headed?" I couldn't contain my eagerness.
"To our next game. You seem thrilled." John answered.
"I am." I flashed him a grin.
I caught Mark's gaze in the rear-view mirror, he seemed amused. He started up the car again, and then we were gone. Mark drove us far off from our last game site. The drive was possibly the longest wait I had ever experienced, I felt like a kid on the way to Chuck-E-Cheese. But I knew I was an adult, and this was something I wanted to do. Not for anybody, but for myself. Because as I fixed my eyes on the hooded man in the passenger seat, I knew that he was the greatest person who had ever willingly come into my life. And in order to be more like him, I had to understand him, I had to work alongside him, learn from him.
Love him.
