During the night, I dreamt. When I dream I usually don't experience a real-life situation. I usually dream in colors and sounds, black backgrounds with familiar faces and voices presenting themselves to me in unfamiliar ways. Either things that are to come, or things teetering on the cusp of my worst nightmares; things that I couldn't fathom actually happening. Well, tonight was different. Tonight, with the looming meeting with Mark still nagging me, I dreamed I was some where mountainous. Running, at top speed for no apparent reason. This was not the average man's dream where something is chasing you, yet you can't seem to move your legs fast enough. No, not at all. I was certainly running fast enough. So fast, I feared I wouldn't be able to stop without tripping over my own legs. I had no particular destination, no hint or reason as to my purpose there. Still, I didn't…couldn't stop. Only when I willed myself in my mind to stop, did I fall, into a gaping hole in the ground I had either failed to notice, or put there mentally to force myself to cease. I fell, at least ten or twelve feet down. Twice as far at they dig to bury a person. It was a freeing fall, I spread my arms as I did, and waited for the impact. But it never came. When I opened my eyes, I found myself sitting unharmed at the bottom. Not even a scratch. Instead of being relieved, I was intensely afraid. Having survived the normally crippling fall, I took that to mean that the worst was yet to some. I clawed at the walls of the hole, desperately trying to find some hand or foot hold that would support me. There was none. Suddenly, I felt a great rumble from above me, as if someone were heaving a large something near the edge of the hole, I could see it now, it was blocking a portion of light from the opening. The object I could see, was a large rock…boulder. I screamed as I realized that however it was being pushed, it was going to fall into the hole, and crush me.

As it fell in, I threw myself down to the floor of the hole, vainly shielding myself with my arms over my head as I whimpered. Down down down in went, it hit me with such force…it awakened me.

I rose swiftly from my bed in a cold sweat. It was dawn, and I knew John wouldn't quite be awoke yet. As I collected my dream, I buried my face in my arms with my knees to my chest and sobbed. It was far too real. When I had composed myself, I washed and dressed slowly, stalling.

Coward. You are a lowlife. You told him you loved him, and now you're struggling to face him? Scared to put yourself on the line?

Exactly, that. I grabbed an envelope, neatly penned his name on the front, and slipped the note inside. I stared at the envelope in my hands for as long as a moment could stretch, and then I had a marvelous idea. Quickly, I snatched up some paper and a pen from John's desk, and I printed some simple words:

I don't want to lose you.

-Rivielle.

Then I folded it up, and sealed it along with the piece of my heart I had left to give, into the envelope that held John's note.

-

I rang Mark's doorbell, having taken two buses and walked four blocks to get to his complex uptown. The doorman had stared at me suspiciously. I braced myself, wondering what I would say, what I would do…I could hear other voices inside. The door opened slightly, and I stepped back. A woman, late twenties, early thirties, I didn't know. She was dressed in woman's slacks and a white, button up, collared shirt. She was pretty…very, with her wavy golden brown locks, and perfect blues that looked at me questioningly.

I lost my train of thought instantly, not expecting this at all. I don't know how long I stood there, jaw fallen slightly, envelope nearly slipping from my grasp. I heard Mark in the kitchen, "Kerry, how do you take your coffee?"

She didn't answer him, she was waiting for me to say something. "Are you here for Mark?"

I looked at my feet for a moment, then glancing back up at her. I finally understood my dream. This was my boulder, it was her. Staring at me patiently with steely blue eyes. I exhaled, shaking my head. Realizing that this was the crushing weight and pain I dreamed about. A woman, in his house. I didn't realize he was already over it.

"Uh…no. Not anymore." I assure.

"Are you sure? He's right in here. I can call him for you, if you'll hang on a sec."

"No. I don't need-"

Suddenly, another man, a tall black male from inside calls Mark, "Hey man, you got a visitor."

Mark appears from out of the kitchen to see me in the doorway, and I feel like someone has just shone an invisible spotlight on me. His eyes lightens in surprise, as he hands the black male a mug, coming towards me. I held the envelope tightly to my chest.

"Would you excuse us?" He asked the woman. She stepped back inside, shutting the door, and leaving us in the carpeted and well lit hallway alone.

The corner of his lips turned up in a smile that I have loved for a long time.

"Hi." I laugh, looking down and remembering the envelope. "Here." I come closer to him, standing on my toes to inch up higher and tell him in his ear, because I know his company was probably listening from behind the door. I didn't blame them, they were detectives after all.

"Its from John." I whisper. I fall off my toes and back onto my heel. I give him a meaningful nod before turning to leave.

As I walked, I could hear the crumple of him hurrying to open the letter. He must have read John's first because he didn't say a word or do a thing until I was all the way down the hall and pressing the elevator button. I turned my head to see him holding my note and staring me down from the end of the hall.

He shook his head incredulously, delivering me a knowing smirk, and then strode quickly down the hall to meet me at the end. I stepped away from the elevator to meet him halfway. I bit my lip in anticipation, and then he enveloped me, lifting me off the ground as I pressed my mouth fervently to his, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Supporting me with one arm, he ran his hand down the side on my breast, where it lingered before grasping my hip momentarily, and then lower to massage my thigh. I moaned against his lips, wrapping my legs tighter around his waist.

"What took you so long?" He broke away allowing me a gasp of air.

"I don't even know anymore…" Suddenly remembering something, I punched him in his arm. "Who's she?" I raised my eyebrow, gesturing back to his apartment door.

"…Kerry? You are so cute… " He grinned, kissing my jaw. "I work with her."

I pushed my hair from my face, incredibly relieved. "Oh thank God." I leaned down hurriedly, joining our lips again. As I lost myself in his manly scent and sweet kiss, I knew that I had been wrong about the dream. This was the meaning of the fall into the huge pit that I couldn't climb out of. Moreover, didn't want to emerge from. I now relished the descent. It was good down here, and as long I as I always fell into his arms, the weight of it all couldn't hurt me.

-

We lingered in that hallway for so long talking, and flirting and touching…that the time just flew. It got so late that Mark's co-workers came out to announce that they were leaving and they would be in touch. Kerry and I locked eyes as she entered the elevator alongside Rigg, but I hurriedly looked away. If those two ever got to close to discovering Mark and I, they would have to be taken care of. I would address the matter later with John. And speaking of-

"What did the note say?" I asked Mark. Once the others were gone, I took his hand and we walked back into his apartment.

"Its just giving me a few more names…instructions…" He sighed. "The usual."

I nodded. "Mhmm…and, uh why were those cops here?"

He grinned at me, "You say that like its a dirty word."

I winked at him in response.

"…We were discussing the disappearance of Eric Matthews."

My eyes widened. "What do they know?"

"Nothing at all actually."

I stood up, beginning to pace. "Well he's dead…right?"

"No. Not exactly."

"I was under the impression that Amanda killed him-"

"So was I, until I saw him lying in the hall, I took him to-"

I cut him off, shocked. "You took him somewhere? Oh my God, does John know!?"

"Of course John knows, we need Eric for another game. I mean you said that like I'm trying to disregard the rules…and I'm not. I'm doing what I have to do. Soon this will all be over."

"What do you mean?" I furrow my brows, hands on my hips.

"I mean…" He took my arm, and pulled me in. I rested my head on his chest, as he nestled his in my hair. "I mean once we're done with all of this, we'll be free to start our life together."

I look up at him, "I think I would enjoy that. To finally, have a little bit of peace."

"I can't wait to give it to you." He murmured softly.

"Would I be selfish to ask you to give me something else too?" I hold his hand tighter, as I felt his steady breathing stop suddenly as he processed my words.

"What would you want?"

I let go of him and stepped back an inch. "I have to show you."

I looked down, my hair dropping over my face as I bent my head down to begin unbuttoning my shirt. He wasn't saying a word, I didn't look up to see his expression, but it must have been somewhere between awe and disbelief. Mark Hoffman was never at a loss for words.

I shrugged out of my blouse, and dropped it at my feet. As I started the button on my jeans, he stopped me.

"I'm not gonna fuck you."

"I am not. Asking you. To fuck me!" I turned away from him, picking up my shirt. Astonished that the sentence just escaped his lips.

"What are you doing then? I mean, God…" For the first time, I feel his beautiful, meaningful eyes on my breasts, heaving with anger. "Its not like I wouldn't love that-"

"Mark! I wanted you to make love to me! What do you think, this is all I'm good for? That my natural instinct is to drop to my knees for the first guy who kisses me? Well, I am capable of love! And I cannot believe I am explaining myself right now!"

"Rivielle, I…want you, I do. I just don't think it's the right moment. Not yet. I realized a long time ago that I was going be very precise with you, ever since you told me that you have never had sex for love."

I was tearing up, "I wanted to make that happen tonight!"

"Rivielle. You and I can never go that far until I'm sure…"

"Sure of what!? What are we waiting for Mark?"

"I'm not going to make love to you until I am one-hundred percent sure that you will not turn your back on us."

"And how would I do tha…" It hit me. "You can't possibly think…Oh my God…You honestly think that I would just use you and leave you for John?"

"As much as I love you, I wouldn't put it past you. I can't help watching you, every time you make puppy eyes when you see him. Have you ever realized what that does to me? John barely moves a muscle and you go completely insane. You will never be completely there for me, until…"

"Until what, Mark!? Until John is dead?!"

He didn't speak. I dropped my face into my hands and wept in frustration.

"I'm leaving." I didn't even stop to put my shirt back on. I grabbed my coat and shoved past him. I jetted out into the cold hall in my bra and unbuttoned pants.

He went after me, I didn't stop. I couldn't bring myself to stop crying. I pressed the elevator button frantically.

"Think about it Rivielle! If John asked you to marry him right this second, or…I don't know, have his kids or something, would you really turn him down for me?"

I didn't answer him, I ran into the elevator.

"Fuck you, Mark." The elevator doors closed. I buttoned my pants back up, feeling embarrassed and stupid. I pulled my shirt and coat on; and for the first time since being born again, I felt like a prostitute.

-

I went to the restroom when I returned back to the lair. I opened the door, forgetting to knock first and was almost floored by the sight. Amanda was sitting on the edge of the tub, pants down, and ruby streaks running down her legs. She held a box-cutter in one hand, and gauze in the other. There was a bottle of antiseptic on the sink.

I gasped, covering my mouth. She turned, shocked. "Get out of here!" She shrieked.

"No! Stop-" I moved towards her. Hand outstretched, motioning for her to hand me the cutter.

Instead, she dropped it into the tub, standing up and climbing out. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her legs, as I backed up nervously. She was bleeding all over herself.

"Why are you doing this…" I breathed, looking around for some medical supplies. "L-let me help you-"

"Just GET OUT!" She shoves me towards the door, I hold her arms back forcefully. She stops a moment, pausing to look me in the eye. A cry for help.

"How long have you been doing this?" I ask her.

She shakes her head, starting to sob. "Get out, get out, get out!" She shrieks, to which I oblige.

There was just too much going on this evening.

"I'm taking a goddamn nap!" I yell to no one.