Chapter 13: Trepidation

Bella POV

I could hardly sleep that night from the anticipation of what Monday would bring. Coupled with the fact that I had spent the entire day breaking down and analyzing every thought and feeling I had ever had about or toward Edward Cullen, it was no wonder I was still awake. I had known for a long time that my feelings for Edward were more than simply platonic, and that I was in my own way, in love with him. But it wasn't until yesterday that the full weight of it all came crashing down on me, hitting me like a freight train.

I suppose in the back of my mind, I was afraid to be in love with Edward; the fear of losing him being the foremost reason. The fear of rejection was also a factor that weighed heavily on me and I firmly believed that a 'no' from him in particular would be impossible to bear. I was terrified of only being good enough for a buddy because, let's face it, he's Edward Cullen and he could have any girl he wanted. Why would he want to settle for someone as inexperienced and ordinary as me?

And buried somewhere in the back of my mind; my parents. Not that I blame my father in any way for what happened to my mother; far from it. But my mother's death was the catalyst of my low self-esteem, and it was something that I still battled with today. I was old enough now to realize that my mom was not mentally well, but I couldn't understand how I could not have been enough incentive for her to fight. Also, there was once a time when my mother and father thought that they were just as in love with each other as I was with Edward. They had gotten married straight out of high school when my mother found out that she was pregnant with me. But even though I was still very young at the time of her death, I couldn't remember my parents ever being really affectionate with each other. There was no doubt in my mind that my father loved my mother to the ends of the earth. I could still see it to this day, when he would occasionally tell me that I remind him so much of my mother, his face sad and worn. And I heard it in his voice that day in the kitchen; all that anger and hurt, all sprung from his supreme love for this woman. But I couldn't help but wonder at times if my mother didn't feel the same. If over time, the love had faded and all she had left were the remains of a long diminished lust.

Honestly, I had always feared how much of my mother I actually had in me. What would happen if I actually got Edward, only to put him through the same hell that my father went through?

No! I was stronger than that. I had made the decision yesterday that I was going to find a way to tell Edward; to take a chance and put all my fears behind me. Like the lottery, you can't win if you don't play, right?

But today, I had bigger things on my mind; I was going for my driving test this morning. If all went well, by this afternoon I could climb behind the wheel of my black beauty in the driveway and allow true independence to overtake me. I had already felt a sense of lightness and freedom since breaking up with James the day before. I hadn't realized exactly how constricted I had felt with him until he was no longer a part of my life.

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard my phone ringing and I quickly wrapped a towel around myself, running to my room. Edward, I read with a smile. "Hey," I breathed out, panting slightly from rushing and the heat of the shower.

"Morning," I heard him reply with a slight chuckle in his voice. "You're not out of breath because you're nervous, are you?"

I laughed as I grabbed another towel and began squeezing my hair out. "No, I just stepped out of the shower. And I was rushing to get a towel around myself to catch it before you hung up."

I heard a joking gasp as the other end. "Isabella Swan, are you talking to me on the phone naked? That's kinda kinky, don't you think?"

"Edward!" I shrieked but couldn't contain my laughter as his increased, rolling my eyes but the heat flooding my cheeks could not be ignored. Edward joked around about many things; but nothing like this before. "No, you pig. I'm in a towel."

"Towels don't count as clothing, Bella," he replied, as I heard the dinging of his car in the background as he got in and put the key in the ignition. "Anything that can fall to the floor in a millisecond on its own accord is not clothes." He went silent for a moment and it sounded as if he took a long shaky breath before continuing to speak. "So, I just wanted to give you a call before I got to school and wish you good luck."

And just like that, my Edward was back. It made me both smile and ache all at once. I loved the sweet, gentle side of Edward, don't get me wrong. But just the thought that he might have been actually thinking about me in that way; talking on the phone with him with nothing more than a towel around me caused a burning deep inside me.

Snap out of it, Bella, I scolded myself. The time would come for me to continue on that train of thought, but not now. I had to focus. "Thanks, Edward. So will I see you after school?"

"What, no leech today?" he sneered slightly, and I knew he meant James.

I silently slapped my forehead. Shit! I completely forgot to tell him about what happened yesterday. I didn't even call him after I left the house so quickly yesterday morning. "Uh, no actually. But I'll explain after school. I really gotta go get ready or I'm going to miss my appointment."

"You'll do great, Firecracker. Text me when you're done," Edward said with a smile in his voice and instantly, I felt reassured. His faith in me was a lot more encouraging than my own. I agreed and we said goodbye; leaving me with ten minutes to get ready.

"Come on, Bells. They'll just give the appointment to the next person," Charlie called up the stairs, as I was throwing my hair up into a ponytail.

Surprising even myself, I got down the stairs in one piece without even a single stumble. Both Charlie and I chuckled softly as we headed out the door, but something was off about my dad's face. But I had to remember that taking your child for their driver's license was a huge milestone for any parent; kind of realizing that your baby isn't a baby anymore.

As we came to the end of our street, I heard him take a deep breath and let it out slowly. He looked even more troubled now, and I began to worry. "Dad? Are you okay?"

"Yea, I'm fine," he responded quickly, nodding his head. Another silent moment passed before he spoke again. "Actually Isabella, there is something I've been meaning to talk to you about for some time now."

My stomach tightened and I bit my lip nervously. He never called me 'Isabella' unless it was something important, or I was in deep trouble. "O-okay. What's up?"

Charlie's hands tightly gripped the steering wheel, and it even looked like he was sweating slightly. "I uh.. I heard you talking on the phone yesterday. And I was wondering if there was something you wanted to tell me."

Crap, I knew it. "It's nothing, really, Dad. Just some guy made me mad and…"

"Bella, I'm a father, but I'm not deaf, dumb or blind," he replied, giving me the hint of a smile, so obviously I wasn't going to get too intense of a lecture. "I've noticed that the young Cullen boy has quite a smile for you as well."

"Dad…" I laughed nervously, shaking my head. "Edward and I are just friends. And the guy yesterday... I'm sorry about that. I just…"

"I know you're growing up, Bells, as hard as it is for me to accept at times. But giving you that car on Saturday made me do a lot of thinking," he replied softly, in a tone that nearly broke my heart. "If you get your license today, that's going to mean more independence and times where I can't always protect you. I'm just hoping that you'll be the sensible girl I know you are, and use that independence wisely."

"Of course I will, Dad. But what does this have to do with Edward?" I asked before I could stop myself. Was I asking for a lecture? I should have just let it lie, agreed with him and went about our day.

"Well," Charlie began as he cleared his throat and then swallowed hard. "Edward… seems to be quite a nice young man. Dr. and Mrs. Cullen have done well with him, and the older boy. And I know you're starting to notice boys and all, and…"

My eyes widened and I covered my face with my hands.

Oh no, not the sex talk. Dear God in heaven, please not the sex talk.

"You see, Bella," he started nervously. Yup, it's the sex talk. Please kill me now. "There's a flower, and there's a seed. And the seed needs water… oh and dirt, something about dirt. And you need to feed it. The flower, not the dirt."

"Dad!" I whined as I shrunk down into the seat, trying to hide my face more and feeling as if it were on fire. "Are you seriously going to have the sex talk with me?"

"Well, this is important. You are coming to an age when… certain things might seem like a good idea at the time. But," he continued and he sounded as nervous as I was completely mortified. "Bella, I just want to make sure that you know what boys...well, I don't want you using your flower...or letting his...I just don't want you doing any gardening at all."

"Dad, honestly, this isn't necessary. Really, I…" I tried to cut him off.

"Oh, and bees, there's something about bees in there...and I think a bird. But what the hell birds have to do with this...I think the bird takes the seed, and the bees… definitely don't want any bees stinging you… Look I'm missing my point...Maybe I should just have Mrs. Cullen talk to you about this."

"Seriously, Dad! I'm fine!" I exclaimed, lowering my hands from my face and looking over to him with wide eyes. "I know all about the birds and the bees and the seeds and the flowers. Along with the sperm and egg, and the penis and vagina."

I watched the blush spread over my dad's face, and I instantly felt a little guilty for my outburst. I knew he was trying so hard to be a good father, and I was acting like a spoiled brat. I started to apologize, but he shook his head as we pulled into the parking lot. "Look, Bella. I know you're a smart girl. I just hope you make the right decisions, and don't do anything that you may someday regret. I don't want you to ruin your life…"

"Like Mom said she did," I replied, looking at him and shook my head as his bent down. I reached my hand over and placed it on his shoulder. "Dad, I loved Mom and I know you did too. But I wasn't a mistake, and neither were you. I couldn't have asked for a better dad."

He looked over at me with a soft smile and brought his hand up to cover mine on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. And it was one of those moments where no words needed to be exchanged between us; we already knew what was being said. He could see the truth in my eyes, that I meant every word. And I could see the love and concern he had for me, mixed with the sadness of watching his little girl taking her next step toward adulthood. I missed my mom, but she left me with an incredible dad. He leaned over, kissing my forehead gently and letting go of my hand. "Come on, we don't want to be late."

And just like that; conversation over.

The road test was nerve-wracking. The female cop in the passenger seat reminded me of one of those butch security guards in female prisons that you see in the movies. Her shoulders were about as broad as Emmett's were, and I swear, he was probably more feminine looking than this woman. She had a constant grimace on her face as if she was ready to rip someone's head off if they tripped one more of her triggers. Needless to say, I thought for sure I was going to fail.

Forty minutes and an ulcer later, I walked out to meet Charlie with my brand new license in my hand. I was so elated I could barely contain my excitement as we walked back out to the car. When I asked to drive, I got a firm 'no' from Charlie but I really didn't want to drive the cruiser anyway. I pulled out my phone as we began the drive home and texted Edward.

Black Beauty hits the road tonight! Be prepared!

I got an immediate congratulatory response, so I knew he must have been between classes. As excited as I was about having my license and getting to drive my car, I was actually more excited about seeing Edward tonight. I had spent the last month having such restricted time with him, and now the only permission I needed was Charlie's to see him. "Hey Dad? I know it's a school night and all but would it be okay if I went out with Edward for a little while tonight? I promise I won't be too late."

He nodded and smiled at me gently. "Sure. Just be home by ten."

I felt my smile stretch across my face and I could hardly contain my excitement for this afternoon. After never missing a day of school in years, I honestly had no idea what to do with myself. I wasn't the primping type, and even if I was, I didn't want Edward to think that this was anything more than just two friends getting together for celebratory ice cream. I still had far too much to think about before I could even attempt to make anything more of this. I grab my old reliable Austen book and drowned myself into the world of Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Before I knew it, it was two o'clock and I squealed slightly as I grabbed my keys and headed down the stairs. "Dad, I'm going to meet Edward at school. Need me to grab you something to eat while I'm out?"

Charlie gave me an eye roll and shook his head. "Honestly Bells, I can fend for myself for one night. Go. Have fun. Just be careful."

I couldn't help myself as I ran over to him, kissing his cheek and then making my way out the door and into my car. The engine roared to life, settling into a gentle purr as I pulled out of the driveway and began driving toward the school. Every eye was turned in my direction as I drove slowly through the parking lot until I found Edward's Trans am and pulled in next to it, waiting for him to come out of the school.

Alice was the first to find me accompanied by Rose. After insisting on mauling me with hugs and seeing my license, I finally got a moment to look up and see Edward leaning against his car with an amused smirk on his face. I quickly moved around the two girls still giggling over my license picture and sprung into Edward's arms, giving him a tight hug. I felt as if I was seeing him for the first time in years, rather than days.

"My girl's all grown up now, huh?" Edward teased as he set me back down on my feet, that infectious smirk still on his face.

"Look Edward, her picture is so cute!" Alice chirped, holding out my license to him.

He took it in his hand and grinned at me. "Leave it to you, Bella. You even blush in your license picture."

I snatched it away from him in feigned anger and slid it back into my pocket. "Yea, well, if you have a morning like I had, you'd be blushing too. So come on, we'll drop your car off at your house and go out for some ice cream. I am dying for some mint chocolate chip."

He smirked and then dug in his pocket for his keys. "Hey Rose," he called out and as she turned to look at him, he tossed his keys to her. "Would you mind driving my car to the house since you're heading that way anyway? Just take care of my baby."

Rose blew a raspberry with her lips at him, surprising both me and Alice; but Edward seemed unfazed as he laughed. "Please, Cullen. I can drive better than you on your best day, with my eyes closed and using my knees."

My eyes widened more as I watched the interaction between the two of them; it was snarky but playful at the same time. It ridiculously stirred the jealousy inside of me, but I quelled it quickly knowing how much she loved Emmett. I just simply wanted time with Edward alone. "Come on let's go. You get to be the first to ride in my baby."

We got into the car and drove to the diner down the street from school, where I noticed Mike and Eric already hanging out in the parking lot. Luckily, they were too busy staring at my car to pay much attention to its two occupants, and we got inside the diner without having to deal with them at all.

"So," Edward started as the server walked away after taking our orders, resting his chin on his folded hands. "What was this 'morning' you had that would have even made me blush?"

I rolled my eyes as I took a drink of water, and groaned after I swallowed. "Oh god, you should have heard Charlie this morning. He was trying to give me the sex talk on the way to the registry."

Edward pressed his lips together, to keep from laughing out loud no doubt, and let his arms fall to fold in front of him. "Oh yea? And how did that go?"

"Let's just say I'm not allowed to garden…ever. And I don't think I would want to after that talk," I replied and looked over to find him gazing at me with a raised eyebrow. "I was mortified, Edward! Talking about how I'm supposed to keep my flower away from any water or dirt, and I think bees."

Edward snorted a laugh and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was wincing slightly, so I was thinking that the sip of water he just had in his mouth had most likely ended up in his nose. Serves him right. But he was still laughing as the waitress brought our ice cream to the table. "But seriously, Bella. You were still blushing after the test?" he laughed as I balled up my napkin and threw it at him. "Aww, I think it's cute. Little Bella's got her license," he chuckled as he reached across the table to pinch my cheek.

"Shut up, Edward," I laughed as I playfully swatted his hand away.

He laughed and then turned to his ice cream with one of his infamous smirks. "So, the warden out on good behavior or something?"

I rolled my eyes at him, but my gaze short across the diner as I saw James walk in with a few of his teammates and his little groupie. "Speaking of which."

Edward furrowed his brow and turned around to follow my gaze and his jaw visibly tightened.

James was making his way toward our table and stood right beside my chair. "So you think you're free to go after Cullen now, huh?"

"Just go away, James," I said stiffly, keeping my eyes on my ice cream.

"So Cullen," I heard him start and I looked up slightly to see him glaring at Edward. "You think you can just swoop in and steal my girl?"

I saw Edward's body jerk as if he was about to stand up, but I shook my head. "I'm not your girl, James. Get over it."

James leaned over toward my ear, wrapping his arm around my shoulders while I tried to wriggle away from him. "One little fight doesn't mean the end, babe. You'll always be my girl," he hissed slightly and kissed my neck.

I leaned away from him, pushing against his chest but he kept moving closer. "Get away from me, James. I mean it!"

Suddenly his presence beside me was gone and I looked up to see Edward glowering down at him. "I think you should do as the lady asks," he growled, standing in-between me and James. He tried to move around Edward to reach for me, but Edward grabbed his arm and shook his head. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The two men glared at each other for a moment, and then James shook his head. "I'd like to see you stop me, brainiac. Remember, might messy up your pretty boy hair the slut likes so much."

Edward's eyes widened in fury as he began to lunge for James but I stood quickly and grabbed his arm to pull him back. "Edward, don't!" I called out and then looked over at James. "Just get the hell out of here."

"Is there a problem out here, gentlemen?" The owner Harry came out, looking more in my direction than anywhere else.

I shook my head with my gaze locked on James. "No sir. He was just leaving," I said through gritted teeth.

James' nostrils flared as he slowly backed away, and shook his head as he pointed at me. "This isn't over, Bella. Remember that."

Edward's arm came around my shoulders protectively and I hugged myself against his side until I watched James' car peel out of the parking lot. He kissed my forehead gently before releasing me to sit back down at the table. We were silent for a moment before he finally spoke up. "So, uh. Would you like to explain what just happened here?"

I looked up and his face was far calmer than I had expected, and certainly more relaxed than I felt. I looked back down to the green substance in my bowl and I shrugged. "I uh, was about to tell you. I kinda broke up with James yesterday."

"What?" Edward exclaimed loudly and my head shot up to look at him. His eyes almost looked excited, but still stunned at the same time. I hushed him as people were staring over at us, and his face relaxed some and he nodded. "I mean, I always thought you were too good for him anyway, but what brought this on?"

I shrugged as I took a bite of my ice cream and licked the remnants off my lip. "I don't know. He just didn't do anything for me. He was beginning to annoy me more than often than not, and he was being a jerk on the phone. So I said 'see ya', and I hung up."

Edward hummed softly and took a bite of his ice cream as well, and it was all I could do to not jump out of my seat at how incredibly arousing something as simple as a spoon sliding through those lips was. I sat there staring at him for a while, running over the last few minutes in my head. Was it wrong that I suddenly found his protective nature over me sexy instead of depressing for the first time? It just seemed far more intense here today than it had in the past, but I wondered how much of that was because it was what I wanted to see. He looked up suddenly and caught my eyes and I fought off the blush that was rising from being caught staring at him. "So, are you okay? I mean, he doesn't seem to be taking it very well. And you guys were together for what, a month?"

"Yea I'm fine. I really don't see what the big deal was anyway," I tried to reply casually, picking at my ice cream. "I mean I'm pretty sure he was boinking that redhead anyway, so it's not like it's any real loss to him."

"So you didn't ever…" Edward asked and I gave him an annoyed look, and he held his hands up. "Sorry, stupid question. But still, I mean, he had you. Why would he do that?"

I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes and sneering slightly. "A guy has to get it somewhere," I replied sarcastically in the most horrible impression of a man's voice. "I'm not worried about it honestly. I'm just glad I never took it there."

"Me too," Edward replied and then his eyes suddenly shot up to mine widely, and I chuckled softly. "I mean, you deserve better than that, Bella. Way better."

I laughed and shook my head. "You have to say that. You're my friend."

Edward's face went solemn and he reached across the table to take my hand and he entwined our fingers together. I looked down at our hands, feeling a wave of warmth and electricity running between us at our contact and I didn't have another care in the world. "Bella, listen to me. You deserve so much more than that. You're smart, funny and beautiful. If it wasn't for that raging temper of yours, you'd be damn near perfect. Any guy would be crazy to let you go."

I raised my eyes to look at him and he was staring into mine with such compassion, it sent a shiver down my spine. And he said I was beautiful. Funny how I should focus on that one little detail. Usually I would focus on the crack he made about my temper, but that didn't matter to me right now.

"You're biased," was the only comeback I could think to make and gave him a small smile which he quickly returned.

"Eh, maybe just a little," Edward replied in a teasing tone but his features quickly turned serious again. "But that doesn't make it any less true. You are perfect just the way you are, Bella. Even with your temper. That's what makes you my firecracker. You need to see yourself more clearly."

I blushed but didn't respond, turning back to my ice cream as he released my hand. I was quiet for much of the remainder of the afternoon, until I had to bring Edward home just before dinnertime since he remembered that he had to study for a Calculus test. Since my evening with Edward was interrupted, I decided to stop and pick up some Chinese on the way home for dinner and still made it home before Charlie. He was surprised to see me home but obviously did not complain.

All week, that afternoon consumed my mind. Beautiful and perfect… two words spoken about me; and by Edward. And it was driving me to distraction. The look in his eyes that afternoon, glaring down at James. The soft gaze telling me I deserved better than all the shit that James had pulled.

Friday rolled around and Alice was excited over a girl's night we had somehow managed to make plans for sometime mid-week. I honestly had no recollection of it, but then again, I hadn't paid attention to much but my thoughts of Edward for the better part of the last four days. She and Rose both noticed the distant distracted look in my eyes all evening and when they finally nodded off, I lay in bed that night trying to sleep but it refused to take me under. My mind was racing and I was tossing and turning until I finally settled on staring at the ceiling.

I let out a heavy breath and sat up, looking over at the clock. It was midnight. Dammit. There was no way I was getting any sleep tonight though; I needed to see him. I threw my covers off me and got dressed, quickly scribbling a note to Alice on her bedside table that I was with Edward.

I didn't think on the entire way over there about what I was going to do or say when I got there. All I knew for sure was that there was only one person who I wanted to see right now. Only he could either quell my fears or validate them; and either was better than not knowing at all.

All the lights were off in the Cullen house and I parked as quietly as I could, walking around to the back of the house. And there it was; the ladder. I swallowed hard and took a calming breath as I stepped toward it and slowly began climbing until I was on his window ledge, swinging my legs in. His head shot around to look at me, and he was as wide-awake as I was, with his arm bent behind his head.

"Bella? I thought you were over at Alice's. Are you ok?" he asked in concern, his perfect brow furrowing and even in the moonlight I could see the creasing that formed there.

I nodded and walked over to the bed, climbing in beside him and snuggling against his side. "Yea, I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep," I said quietly, feeling his arms come around me and hold me against him. I listened to his heartbeat pound under my ear and I splayed my fingers over his chest. "Edward?"

He tilted his head down to look at me and the soft light from the window caused a soft glint in them. "Yea?"

I was nervous as hell, but I needed to get this over with; I had been tormenting myself with it all week. "The other day… why did you say I was beautiful? And perfect?"

Edward slowly turned onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow to look down at me. "Because you are, Bella. And if James was too blind to see that, that's his loss, not yours."

With that, my hand drove into his hair, forcing my lips to crash against his.