*EDIT* By Popular request for a tissue warning... here it is... TISSUE WARNING!


Chapter 22: Heart to Heart

EPOV

The next few days dragged on, trying to focus on both school and Bella's continued distance from me even after that night in her bedroom. I knew a lot of it revolved around my impending induction and her fears of what this will entail for us as a couple. As much as I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my life would not be complete without Bella, it seemed that I had a long way to go before I convinced her of that.

And standing here looking at her face as we stood outside the room that would change both of our lives, it became all the more clear. She tried to keep her brave face on but still stood several feet away from me. No matter how much she attempted to pretend that everything was alright between us, I could tell that they weren't completely. My words that night had wounded her deeply, and as much as they may have hurt me, I could not fault her in her angry words in return. I deserved every bit of her anger and the pain it caused that night.

It wasn't until after the talk with my mother that I realized what an ass I truly had been. I walked into the house still fuming from my argument with Bella to find her crying in the kitchen.

Flashback

"Right now? No, I'm really not."

Her last words to me before she left. I truly thought if there was one person I could count on tonight, it would be Bella. We had talked about this; she had firmly concluded that she would wait for me. And now, something as seemingly insignificant as a date tossed all our words and promises out the window.

She knew this day would come, why was it such a big deal now?

Walking into the kitchen, the sight of my mother with her head resting on her folded arms on the counter broke me. Her shoulders were convulsing slightly in sobs and it hit me that I was tearing apart the two women I loved more than anything in this world with one simple action.

"Mom?"

Her tear-stained face rose up to look at me and then she quickly turned away to the stove in an attempt to busy herself.

"Where is Bella?" she asked after clearing her throat of the sobs.

I let out a heavy sigh and leaned against the doorframe, folding my arms over my chest.

"She went home," I replied flatly, guilt flooding over me in a sudden rush at the circumstances of her departure.

"How could you do this, Edward?" she asked in a barely audible voice, her head hanging down slightly. "Why? Why would you do this to your family, to Bella? What is so horrible that you feel the need to leave us this way?"

I could hear her voice cracking again with emotion, and I walked over behind her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. Surprisingly, she did not fight me off and instead leaned her head back against me.

"I wanted something so much better for you, Edward. Go to college and get married, have a family. Never this. Why?"

When I could tell that she wasn't going to continue, I hugged her tighter and kissed her cheek.

"Mom, this is something I have wanted since I was a kid. If I did anything else, I would be settling for something less. I can't go through my life like that."

Her body thrust forward suddenly in a sob, then she quickly turned toward me and wrapped her arms tightly around my waist. "I can't lose you, Edward! Please don't do this."

"I have to," I replied gently as my hand rubbed her back comfortingly. "You're not going to lose me. I'm not going off to war, I am making a life for myself. Something I can be proud of."

I pulled away from her slightly and took her hands, guiding her to the kitchen table to sit down and her eyes fell to our joined hands.

"You told Bella?" she asked softly and then slowly brought her eyes up to mine and I nodded. "And she accepted it?"

I took a deep breath and shrugged. "Yea, I guess. I don't know that it matters now though. I said some pretty nasty things to her tonight." A pained looked came over my mother's face and she covered her mouth with her hands, looking down again. "Mom, what is it?"

"You should go talk to her, Edward," she said softly, never raising her eyes as I reached over for her hand again. "She's afraid. Don't let her make the same mistake I did. I think I scared her even more. I've never yelled at her the way I did tonight. I've never even yelled at you boys that way. Please just go make things right with her. We can talk about this later."

She squeezed my hand gently and nodded without ever meeting my gaze and I stood. I immediately dug my phone out of my pocket and tried calling her.

Voicemail.

Shit, I really screwed up tonight.

Face it, Edward. You flat out fucked up.

I really hated it when my inner voice was right. And my mother yelled at her? My mother, who rarely throughout my entire childhood even so much as raised a harsh tone to me or my brother, as she mentioned… had yelled at Bella. I needed to see her, whatever it took.

End flashback

And now standing here silently watching the both of them, I could see on their faces how much this had affected them. Under any other circumstances, my mother would be whom Bella curled up against, rather than my brother; and it seemed as if she realized this as well.

The doors suddenly opened and we were ushered into a small room where I and several other young men stood at the front to stand in before a small podium. I glanced back once to see Bella biting her lip but it quickly changed to a small, forced smile that stabbed at my heart.

This was my last chance; there would be no turning back after this. It would be final and I would be leaving her and my family behind. Would she wait? Was I worth waiting for? I knew down to the bottom of my heart that Bella loved me; I could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice and feel it when she touched me. But would love be enough?

Her eyes left mine and her hand came up over her lips. I turned forward again as the uniformed officer approached the podium and asked us all to raise our right hands.

This is it.

BPOV

Emmett's arm hugged securely around my shoulder as I watched Edward face away from me and eventually raise his hand with the rest of them. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. It was as if I was having an out of body experience, standing back and watching my soul stripped away from my body. My heart and my life was standing up there, taking the oath that would take him away from me.

I, Edward Cullen, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.

My throat tightened along with my heart. I couldn't look him in the eye when he turned around to face me; it was just too much. I forced my way out of Emmett's hold and walked out.

Finally breaking into a run, I didn't stop until I reached the doors leading outside and took a deep breath of the fresh air. Sitting down on the low brick wall surrounding several small trees, I hugged his jacket in my arms, inhaling his scent and forcing back the tears prickling in my eyes.

I thought I had come to terms with this already. I may not have completely forgiven him for not being honest with me, but I had laid out my fears for him and he quelled them as best as he could. So why does this hurt so badly? Why do I feel as if a ton of bricks fell onto my chest, crushing my heart? Why do I feel like I've just lost him?

I looked up as I heard the doors roughly pushed open, seeing Edward rushing through them to get to me. I immediately stood up and began walking away from him, almost running toward the parking lot.

"Bella, stop," I heard him behind me, his footfalls growing louder until he caught me close to the curb. He pulled me back against him, resting his lips on my hair. "Baby don't. It's okay."

"No," I cried with a shake of my head, pounding it back against him and finally gaving in to the sobs building up in my chest. "It's not okay. How can it be okay? I can't do this, Edward!"

His hold around me loosened and he turned me around to face him as his family finally began making their way toward us. We stared at each other for a moment, and he began shaking his head as he read my face.

"Baby… don't. Please don't do this."

"I can't," I said with a sob, clasping his face between my hands and brushing his lips with mine. I kept my eyes closed as the kiss broke and our foreheads rested together. "I can't watch you walk away from me, not knowing if and when you are ever going to come back."

I pulled back from him and began walking toward the car, leaning my arms on the roof when I got there and cried into them. This car ride was going to be the longest one ever but if watching him only be sworn in, knowing he was still going to be here tomorrow was this hard; I didn't know that I would make it through watching him leave. The doors unlocked and I raised my head to get into the car, startled slightly by the bronze hair my gaze met; as it was not what I was expecting.

"We need to talk, Bella," Esme said softly, holding Edward's keys in her hand and stepping into the car.

This had been the moment I had been dreading, the reason why I had never wanted to tell Edward how I felt about him. I knew there was going to come a point that it was going to be just too much for one of us; but never had I imagined that it would be me. Yet once again I allowed my emotions to overrun me in the moment.

What the hell was wrong with me lately?

I sat crying silently in the passenger seat, not even chancing a glance over at Esme. We had not spoken at all since that night in the kitchen and I wasn't exactly sure what she wanted to say. Nor did I know if I could handle it right now. Some harsh realities were driven home that night and I didn't know if the voice of experience was what I needed right now.

So when we pulled up in front of the house, I got out and ran around to the back, silently grateful that Edward's ladder still rested outside his window. I quickly climbed up and slid into his room, immediately collapsing on his bed and crying into his pillow.

A hand came to my shoulder and I jumped, my gaze meeting the tear-stained face of Esme. I turned my face back into the pillow and I felt her stroking my hair comfortingly, as only a mother could. And regardless of what had transpired in the kitchen the other night, I felt safe and loved.

"He loves you, Bella."

"All Iwant is for him to leave!" I exclaimed into the pillow and hugged it tightly. I felt her kiss my hair and I began to cry harder. "I can't sit around and just wait for him to leave me."

"Leaving him before he can leave you is not the answer, sweetheart," her soft voice rang in my ears.

I chuckled sadly into the pillow and finally sat up to look at her, shaking my head.

"How can you say that?" I scoffed slightly, standing up from the bed and turned around to look back at her. "Why did you leave Mr. Cullen then, if this isn't the answer?"

I watched as her eyes fell to her lap and my eyes joined hers as she lightly fingered her wedding ring.

"I made a mistake when I left Carlisle. A mistake I don't want to see you repeat with Edward," she replied quietly and then raised her eyes to meet mine. "I'm not unhappy with my life, Bella. Quite the opposite. I love my husband very much, and my boys. And I'm very proud of them all. I wouldn't change a thing."

My eyes squinted in confusion as I listened to her speak. I tried several times to interrupt, but between the ache in my heart and the enormity of the situation surrounding me, I couldn't find the words. I ran my hand through my hair as my lip quivered slightly.

"If it's not so bad then why did you react that way to Edward's news? Why don't you want him to go? Because he may never come back, right? Isn't that what you said?"

"Bella," she said calmingly as she stood up and quickly walked toward me, taking my face between her hands. She lifted my face but I couldn't bring my eyes to meet hers. When she stroked my cheek gently with her hand, the tears spilled down my cheeks and I met her gaze. "I wanted something more for my children. But I also raised both of my boys to think for themselves and make their own decisions. And for that reason, I have never been more proud of Edward than I was today."

A sob took over my entire body and she pulled me against her tightly, cradling my head against her chest. My legs trembled where I stood and I began lowering to the floor, Esme following with me. I rested my head in her lap and she continued to stroke my hair. I had never missed my mother more than I had at that very moment… but at the same time, I didn't feel completely without either. The soft voice, the gentle touch and the comforting embraces of a mother I was not lacking. And it was then that I understood the unconditional love of a mom.

"It hurts so much," I cried into her lap as she continued to smooth my hair away from my cheek with one hand and held mine gently with her other on her knee.

"I know it does, honey. And I wish I could tell you it got better, easier. It's a tough battle but one that is worth it, Bella. Every experience I have shared with Carlisle in the last twenty-five years I would never trade for anything. Even the painful times. Each one made him and our family what they are. I have never for one day regretted marrying him rather that some other simpler man. I could never be as happy as I am with him. And you remind me so much of myself when I was just around your age."

I turned my face slightly into her thigh, squeezing her hand and then rolled onto my back to look up at her face.

"I can't lose him the way you almost lost Mr. Cullen. I'm not strong enough for that. And you were right, anything can change at any moment and there could be a war tomorrow. And now there's no turning back. If they call him, he has to go." I paused, biting my lip to halt another sob that threatened me. "How did you do it?"

Esme wiped the tears from my cheek gently as more trailed over my temples. "We always find our strength when we most need it and you are stronger than you think, Bella. For me? My strength came from my children." A small smile came to her lips and she closed her eyes for a moment, and a breath of a laugh escaped her. "I really should have seen this coming sooner than I did."

"What?" I asked softly as I watched the strange mixture of emotions pass over her face, until she opened her eyes again and looked back down at me. "Should have seen what?"

"Edward," she replied with a small shake of her head and then glanced down at me. "Come on, I want to show you something."

I sat up front her lap and took her outstretched hand as she helped me up to stand. We walked together downstairs into her drawing room and she let go of my hand to walk over to her desk, retrieving something from one of the drawers and holding it against her chest before she turned back to me.

"The day we got the call that Carlisle's company had been under attack in Iraq, I couldn't stop crying and nor could Emmett. But not my brave little Edward. He was only ten years old and he didn't shed one tear. He said 'Don't cry, Mama. A good soldier never gives up.' Then he stood up, went into his room and grabbed his little American flag he had in cup on his dresser."

She held her hand out to me and in it was a small golden frame. I took it in my hands and looked down at it. I couldn't help the smile teasing at my lips as I saw the familiar bronze locks; even on the young boy in the picture. Traces of snow were still visible on the lawn around his feet where a tiny flag was stuck into the ground. He stood at complete attention with his small hand in a salute. Already such a little soldier, I thought and just as suddenly turned my gaze to Esme.

Her finger traced the edge of the frame and she nodded. "I was inside, praying to God to bring my husband home safe. But my brave little boy stood outside saluting a flag with a little note," she said with a smile, pointing to the bottom of the picture. On the flag was a folded piece of paper on a string. Just as I was about to question her about it, she turned the frame over in my hands and opened the back. Inside was a slightly yellowed piece of paper with a hole punched through the corner. She nodded when I looked up at her again, giving me permission to take it out. I opened it and couldn't stop the small chuckle at the sloppy handwriting on it.

Dear Uncle Sam,

Please bring my daddy home soon. We are sad and we miss him. Thank you.

Edward Anthony Cullen

We both let out very similar soft laughs and I let my fingers run over the almost scribbled signature of a ten-year-old boy, trying to be so grown up to hide his pain.

"I don't think Edward has voluntarily prayed since he was about five years old," Esme started and my gaze rose to look up at her as she was once again staring at the picture. "But he would stand out there every single day, sometimes for hours at a time, waiting for 'Uncle Sam' to send his daddy back. He would salute that flag every time he passed it. A regular little patriot. And I still never saw this coming."

"Or maybe you just didn't want to believe it," I replied suddenly, not looking in any particular direction. "And then you were forced to."

"Bella," she said my name softly and I looked over at her and brushed my hair back behind my ear with her fingers. "I could not love you more if you were one of my own children. And I can see how much you care about Edward." She paused and chuckled softly, and I couldn't understand what could possibly be humorous in this situation. "I know I should be standing here telling you that you are still young and don't know what love is yet. But the hopeless romantic in me won't allow it. And I see the way my baby looks at you, and you at him. I know you love each other very much. I would never want tell you that you shouldn't be with him or wait for him. Because frankly, I don't know that either one of you would listen to me. But you are still very young, and this doesn't entail ceasing to live or being sixteen. It's not all or nothing. "

Just then, the sound of voices echoed from downstairs, followed by the closing of the front door. I looked back at Esme and she kissed my forehead, nodding towards them. I hurried out of that room as fast as my legs would carry me and ran to the top of the staircase in time to see Edward coming inside.

I watched him take several steps into the house looking very drawn and deep in thought, his hands shoved deep in his pockets until he finally raised his head and his eyes met mine. He halted in his steps and we held each other's gazes for an agonizing moment. Looking in his eyes, I wondered how I ever thought I could think that I didn't need him, that he wouldn't be worth waiting for.

I was the one now needing his forgiveness.

I took the first two steps hesitantly, but as I watched him take a slow, nervous breath, I hastened my steps until I was almost running down the stairs. The moment I reached him, I threw my arms around his neck and held him close to me. I thought he might pull away until I felt his arms wrap tightly around my waist, pulling me closer and burying his face in my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and he merely squeezed my waist tightly in response.

"Don't leave me, Bella," he whispered into my neck, neither pleading nor desperate but nonetheless with every bit of need for me that I felt for him.

I pulled away from him enough to grasp his face in my hands and shake my head slightly before brushing my lips on his.

"Never."


In the words of Christina, I am the Queen of Cheese. Don't ya think?

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