(I don't own Death Note or the characters.)

Chapter 9

"Why'd you do it?" Matt finally asked.

I didn't answer the redhead, not wanting to admit my pathetic weakness. Instead I remained silent, watching his eyes search me for any marks he might not have seen yet. His fingers were running all over the scars, tracing them. His hands were soft, cool against my skin. Had this been happening under any other circumstances, it would have been quite sexual.

"Mello, come on. Tell me why you're hurting yourself like this," the gamer said, retracing the scar on my chest.

I sighed, pulled away from his would-be-wonderful touch, and sat on the edge of my bed. Green eyes followed me. I rested my head in my hands, embarrassed by the whole thing. It was just so hard to admit all that had been happening.

Matt seemed to sense I was going to answer him soon, because he didn't push. He just knelt there, on the floor, watching me. I didn't dare look up to see his expression. What if he was angry?

"Matt," I began, taking a deep breath, "Matt, I can't help it. Lately, I just feel so….worthless. So pointless and underserving. I'm not good at anything I do, I'm always second. Near beats me in everything, no matter how hard I try. And I get mad and be mean to people I care about. And then I get to thinking that," I could hardly continue. Tears were almost leaking from my sky blue eyes. My breathing was growing ragged, as it does when I'm about to cry. I finally continued, "I start to think that….you deserve better. You should have someone who is smarter and better than I am. I can't think of any reason you'd wanna stay with me, and I get scared, Matt, I do. I get scared you're going to leave me, and I don't want you to. But I can't be the person you should have, and I get so scared," I realized I was repeating myself and rambling, so I stopped talking and just let tears fall silently and not to the strength they wished to flow.

Minutes passed, and Matt hadn't said or done anything. I was sure that he was going to call me pathetic and leave.

Suddenly there was an arm around my shoulder. I was being pulled closer to that arm's body. Another arm wrapped around me in a full-blown hug. I still didn't look up, but I rested my head on a striped shoulder. Eventually I couldn't stand it anymore,and I threw my arms around the redhead's neck and sobbed into his shoulder.

"Matt, I'm so sorry," I cried sadly.

"Shh, Mells. It's okay," he replied gently. I was glad he didn't seem to be angry.

"Matt, I'll never do it again. I promise," I said regradless of his hushing.

"Mello, I'll never leave you, so don't worry anymore. You're perfect just the way you are. Don't be so insecure, 'cause everything's okay, I promise. Forget Near, forget these delusional worries. Everything's going to be alright," Matt whispered soothingly in my ear.

My tears soon subsided, and I hugged Matt much tighter, never wanting to let go. He was playing with my hair, a calming gesture I liked.

Too soon, the redhead pulled out of our hug, looking down at me with those beautiful emerald eyes. I stared back. I could tell just by his eyes that he wasn't mad at me at all.

I suddenly remembered something, and hopped off the bed, walking over to my desk. I felt Matt's gaze follow me as I moved. I reached into the bottom drawer, into a box, and pulled out my razor. I stood motionless, staring at it for an eternity. Finally, I turned, walked extremely slowly back to my bed, and held the razor out to the boy sitting there.

At first Matt looked puzzled, then he seemed to understand. I wanted him to take my razor, as if to confirm that I would never use it again. He reached out and accepted my promise, staring intently at the flecks of rust that had somehow accumulated on the blade. He shoved the disgusting object into his jeans pocket, removing it from my view forever.

I took an uneven breath. Matt stood, putting his arm around my waist in response.

The next few days were brutal. I found myself looking around anxiously and glaring at things way more than usual.

As if to taunt me, three days after Matt confiscated my razor, the worst thing happened in my math class. Near beat me. Well, that (sadly) wasn't exactly new. But he beat me badly, as in he got a perfect score on the test, plus extra credit, while I got an A minus. Not only that, but another person beat me, too! So, not only did Near beat me horribly, but this one other random kid (his name's Mark, I think) also beat me! I was so devastated, I could hardly speak. I glared at the both of them all the rest of the day.

When I told Matt about what had happened, he just shrugged casually, making light of the subject. This pissed me off to no end.

"Matt! You could at least TRY to care a LITTLE!" I screamed violently.

The look the other boy gave me was absolutely disgusting. It was a cross between pity and concern, neither of which I liked. Still, however, he said nothing, so I continued.

"I mean, shouldn't you at least try to give a rat's ass about me?! Especially when I feel like shit like this?!"

The forest green eyes watching shifted from pitying to confusion, though I did not understand why.

I was close to tears again, and, again, I couldn't understand why I should cry over something like this. My voice went on, though it wasn't me speaking, "Matt, you don't know how hard this is! I was actually THIRD today! What if it becomes a trend,and I stay at the bottom forever?"

The redhead's eyes were almost angry now, though they continued to show fiery confusion.

"Mello, get a grip!" his voice was strangely enraged. It took me aback. In the same tone Matt continued, "I'm third every day, Mello, and you don't hear me so much as complain, and here you are throwing a goddamn hissy fit over it. It's pathetic."

His voice rang out angrily, and it shocked me to hear him like this; I never had before.

"But Matt, you don't care about being first or succeeding L or anything," I said, if only for a feeble defense against too-true words.

Black and red striped shoulders shrugged.

"That doesn't make much a different, Mello," he replied before adding in an almost hurt tone, "I can't believe you questioned if I care about you. I can't believe you…." The boy's voice shook and trailed off.

"Matt, when did I…?" I didn't even remember through all my rage what I had said.

"You said, 'you could at least try to care about me a little', then you said 'shouldn't you at least try to give a rat's ass about me"."

I thought back desperately. I vaguely recalled saying something along those lines. I shuddered, already regretting the words.

Silence consumed the room for many minutes.

"Mello, do you really have to ask if I care about you? Don't you know by now that you're the only thing I care about?" Matt asked, breaking the silence like a pebble dropping on a smooth pond.

"Matt, I…I didn't mean what I said. Come on, you know I didn't," I said partially desperately.

The redhead seemed to deliberate for a few moments, but he finally replied, "I know you didn't. You shouldn't say such stupid shit though, dude."

I chuckled, "Yeah, I know."

He gave me a ridiculously stupid look before laughing with me. We laughed like that for what felt like hours, laughing hysterically at nothing at all. Eventually the darkness of the outside won over the light in our dorm, and our eyes drooped under the weight of the day behind us.

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Sorry about the crappy chapter -.- I was having a bit of writer's block and just decided to have something totally lame happen. Don't hate me! Next chapter will be better, I promise. It will be a Mello birthday chapter! *plots menacingly in the corner about all the possible things he could have happen during Mello's birthday*

-Bloodmuffins