Always with You
Disclaimer: I do not own SkipBeat! or any of its characters.
Chapter 20 – Out of the mouth of poultry
Note: This chapter is long, but I didn't want to break it up. Also, there is a lot of "stream of consciousness" writing. This was done in an attempt to help the reader "feel" the thinker's confusion, etc. I hope that it doesn't make it too difficult to read.
Tsuruga Ren's day seemed to drag on interminably. On a normal day he found pleasure in his incredibly busy schedule. He felt a certain degree of pride in the fact that his career now often kept him busy from dark to dark. But today was different; he had to find a way to tell Kyoko his secret, and he feared her reaction.
How do you tell somebody that you have been close to for two years that you are somebody else? How do you tell a girl like Kyoko, who has lived a life of rejection and betrayal, that you are the person who she dreams about seeing again? How do you explain that you have known about your childhood connection to her for a long time, but chose not to tell her? And what if she is disappointed in what you have become; what if you just can't measure up to her image of the adult "Corn"?
And how do you tell a girl who has sworn off love that you're hopelessly in love with her?
Yashiro had watched his charge all day long. He knew that something important was bothering Ren, but he couldn't get the younger man to speak about it to him. Yashiro knew that Ren was taciturn by nature, but today he wasn't speaking at all. Yashiro was greatly concerned. And today, of all days, he had to attend an evening manager's meeting at LME!
Ren pulled the car up to the front curb of the building, but Yashiro remained in his seat. Ren knew and even appreciated his manager's concern, but, "Go, Yashiro-kun. Don't worry about me. I've just got a lot on my mind."
Yashiro felt a thrill at Ren's usage of the "kun" honorific. Sometimes he feared that his interference in Ren's private life would alienate him from the actor. Yashiro met his friend's eyes. After a moment he nodded and climbed out of the car. As Ren drove away he hoped that "the matter," whatever it was, would be resolved well and quickly.
Ren did not drive home. In fact, he drove aimlessly to nowhere in particular. And nowhere in particular led him straight to the studio where Bridge Rock was nearly finished filming for the night. Ten minutes later Kyoko, still in her "Bo" costume, found Ren on their usual bench.
"We're going to have to stop meeting like this, Tsuruga-san," Bo said, as "he" took a seat on the bench. Kyoko sensed immediately that Ren was in one of his dark-studies. She felt slightly disappointed. Just yesterday evening he had seemed so lively and happy. "You seem to be bothered by something. Perhaps you'd like to talk about it?"
As Kyoko she could never have dared to ask her great sempai such a presumptuous question. But as Bo she felt able to speak freely with the man she revered; she even flattered herself by believing that she might have helped him now and then. For his own part, as ridiculous as it might seem to tell all of his troubles to a man in a giant chicken costume, the anonymity of the relationship allowed him the same freedom.
"I have to take the biggest step in my life this far, and I don't know how to do it. I'm very much afraid that I will hurt the woman I love if I don't do this right."
"That sounds like a big problem, Tsuruga-san… but also a little vague. Could you be a little more specific?"
Ren almost chose to stop talking and leave. But he needed to talk to somebody, and Bo was a good listener. He took a deep breath before continuing, "My name is not Tsuruga Ren."
Kyoko was startled for a moment, but then she felt a little stupid for missing the obvious; most actors had taken stage names. Of course Tsuruga-san could have as well; it was just that she couldn't imagine her sempai by any other name. Somehow it seemed… wrong.
Suddenly she was afraid: What if Tsuruga-sempai finds out who I really am?! What if he tells me his most private secrets and then finds he told them to his unworthy kouhei?! He'll hate me!
"Um, Tsuruga-san, maybe it would be better if you don't…," I don't want him to think that he can't talk to me. What do I do?! "Um, perhaps you shouldn't tell me any names. That way your secrets will be safe, but you can still talk about the details."
Ren looked at Bo for what seemed like an eternity, but was only about thirty seconds. "Ok. The secret will come out soon anyway, but I'll honor your request for now."
Then he continued, "I changed my identity so that I could make a name for myself without… without family influence. I needed to prove myself to myself; and know that I succeeded by my own power." He looked at Bo, who nodded in understanding, "It has been very difficult to keep my identity a secret. Eventually somebody was going to stumble on the truth; it was only a matter of time. I come from a very famous family, and people have naturally wondered what happened to the teenage son who suddenly disappeared."
Kyoko was totally fascinated now. This was better than most dramas. Tsuruga Ren, the man with a past, the man of mystery, the man…
"Excuse me, are you even listening?"
"U-hmm, yes. Pardon me, I was just thinking too deeply about your story. Please continue."
"Well, recently the bloodhound for one of the talk shows stumbled onto the truth. He passed the information on to the star of the show. She already knew the truth… that's a long story… so she called me to warn me. You see, if she doesn't bring out the truth, then her bloodhound will just go to another talk show or even a gossip magazine. That means that the truth will be revealed very soon, no matter what I do."
After a moment of thought, "Can I ask you several questions?"
"Yes."
"Did you plan on keeping your identity secret forever? I mean, please forgive me for being blunt, is there something about your identity that you are… um, ashamed of?"
Ren thought about his violent teen years for a moment. "I made some… mistakes… but that isn't an issue. I'm very proud of my family, so that isn't an issue. In answer to your first question: I planned on revealing the truth as soon as I had become successful as an actor and had made a name for myself."
"Well, you have certainly achieved that. You're the best actor in Japan." Kyoko kicked herself mentally for using such strong praise.
Ren smiled, "The first time that I met you, you said that you didn't like me."
Eeep! "I… I… That was a long time ago and I thought that you were different than you are and… and… gomenasai! I'm sorry that I ever said that."
"Don't worry about it. I actually appreciated the honesty."
"Anyway, Tsuruga-san, it seems to me that you have achieved your goal. So why not just reveal your identity and get it over with? Wait… you mentioned hurting the woman that you love?"
Ren sighed, "That's the real problem. You see, the girl I love may be upset when she finds out. I actually met her when we were both children, only she doesn't know that. I found out, and I kept it a secret because it would reveal my identity. Now I have to figure out how to tell her."
"I think that if you tell her honestly, she will understand. How did it go when you confessed to her?"
Ren stared at Bo blankly. "You mean, you still haven't confessed to her? Aren't you supposed to be Japan's number one romantic figure?"
"It's not that easy. You see, she's beautiful, but she doesn't know it. Men, lots of men, are interested in her but she's totally oblivious to their interest. And she doesn't believe that she can be loved. As a matter of fact, she's part of the LoveMe section at LME and…"
Ren continued to speak, but Kyoko was no longer hearing him. Her heart was racing. Her throat was dry. Her stomach was tied into knots. Her mind kept playing back his last words over and over again. Beautiful. LoveMe Section. Beautiful. LoveMe Section. Beautiful.
Tsuruga-sempai is in love with Moko-san!
"Um… excuse me? You drifted off again." Ren sounded annoyed.
"I'm sorry! Please forgive me. Tsuruga-san, I think that you need to just go to her and tell her. I'm sure that she's a wonderful girl and that she will understand.
"Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm sorry, but I really have to go and get changed and head home."
Ren felt slightly miffed that Bo seemed to be in such a hurry to leave. Still, it had helped to unburden himself. "Well then, thank you for talking with me. I will keep your advice in mind. Have a good night."
Each turned in opposite directions and walked away.
Tsuruga-san is in love with Moko-san. She is a wonderful person. He is a wonderful person. They would make such a beautiful couple. I should be happy for them. Only… only… why do I feel like crying?
* * *
Aiko Mari accelerated around the street corner faster than she normally would have. She was late. Kyoko would almost certainly be dressed and waiting for her. She shouldn't have lingered at the restaurant so long with Kurosaki Shio. She was just having so much fun! She slowed to turn into the gated area for the studio and then angled over to park next to Kyoko's sports bike.
* * *
Ren was sitting in his car, still deciding what to do, when he saw Mari ride past. Even though she was Kyoko's stunt-double, there was enough of a difference in shape that he could distinguish them in their helmets and leathers. Her motorcycle was also older. What's she doing here? Why isn't she with Kyoko?
Without further thought, he climbed back out of the car and walked through the studio gate. As he saw her heading into the studio he noticed that her motorcycle was parked next to another. Kyoko's here! Maybe… maybe…
Before he allowed himself another moment of indecision, he turned and walked toward the studio doors. I'm going to tell her tonight!
* * *
"Kyoko-chan?"
Mari looked at Kyoko, still in her Bo suit, sitting disconsolately on her dressing-room chair. The chicken head was sitting on its pedestal behind her. Kyoko looked up and quickly composed her face. "Mari-chan! How was your date with Kurosaki-san?"
Mari grinned, "That poor boy doesn't know how to handle me yet. I think that I intimidate him a little."
The thought of the hoodlum-looking Kurosaki being intimidated by little Mari-chan was funny enough that Kyoko started giggling. Soon, probably because of her current emotional state, she dissolved into laughter. Her laughter was contagious, and soon Mari-chan was bent over in laughter herself as she said things like "great big oaf of a man" and "scared of a little girl." Both girls were so caught up in their laughter that they didn't see Ren poke his head in the door.
He took in the scene and realized who was in the chicken suit. He heard Mari's words and watched the two girls laughing themselves to tears.
He turned, letting the door close behind him, and walked back down the hall, out of the studio.
Back in Kyoko's dressing room the laughter had stopped and Kyoko's laughing tears had become real ones. She just couldn't make them stop.
* * *
The Japanese public has the set image of Tsuruga Ren as a kind, gentle, and soft-spoken man. Even after his role as a serial killer and his more recent action and murder-mystery roles, they had sustained that image in their minds. On brief occasions Kyoko had caught a glimpse of his darker side. Reino, with his other eye, had seen it clearly. Now, as he stalked around his apartment, it was back with a vengeance.
She's Bo! She sat there and let me tell her everything, and now she's laughing about it! I told Bo that I was in love with Kyoko! She has known for over a year and she just let me keep following her around like a lovesick puppy!
I don't understand. How? How could she play me along like this? How could she fool my dad and my mom and everyone else into believing she was someone else?
The anger was gone. It was replaced by the anguish of a loss so powerful that it threatened to destroy him right there in his own home. His chest hurt so badly that he felt as if he could no longer catch a breath.
* * *
Once Kyoko had gotten herself under control she changed out of her Bo costume and followed Mari back to the waiting bikes. They arrived at the Darumaya in silence. Mari knew that something was terribly wrong, but Kyoko wasn't ready to talk. Kyoko went up the stairs in a cloud of gloom. She was too emotionally exhausted to even change out of her leathers. She simply laid down on her futon, turned to face the wall, and let silent tears fall down her face.
Even though she had known that he loved a younger girl she had never really felt anything was wrong. There had been a slight twinge of something, but she hadn't acknowledged it or recognized it. But the news that Tsuruga-sempai loved Moko-san made it all very personal. It made it very painfully personal. Because for the first time in over two years Kyoko knew she was in love.
And her love was utterly and totally hopeless.
* * *
Kotonami Kanae rolled over and growled viciously at her cell phone as it kept ringing. She looked at the clock, it was 2:45am. It kept ringing and she grabbed it to read the window. Why's Kyoko calling me at this time… MO!
"Hello!"
"You can't leave, Moko-san," the voice on the other end didn't sound like Kyoko at all. It sounded lifeless, hopeless.
"What's the matter, Kyoko. I can't leave where?"
"You can't go to Australia. He loves you."
"I can't… who loves me?"
"Tsuruga-san. He loves you. He told me…" her voice was choked with a sob, "He is going to tell you. You can't leave before he… tells… you." As she spoke the last words it was almost as if Kanae could hear her battery running down.
"Kyoko. KYOKO!" The phone went dead.
Kanae was angry, furious. She had watched her friend blossom under that man's attention. What kind of game was he playing? She knew she wasn't going to get anything sensible from Kyoko…
Ren was sitting at the kitchen bar counter, staring at a full bottle. He knew that if he opened the bottle he would lose himself in it. What was the point, really? In one moment everything that he had believed in, everything that brought joy to his life, had been destroyed. But he still didn't open the bottle.
The phone rang and he picked it up listlessly. "JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"
"Moko-sa…"
"Don't you dare call me that, you… you… Just what kind of game have you been playing, telling Kyoko that you are in love with me?"
"Kotonami-san, I really am not in the mood to… What did you say?"
"You heard me! Why have you been making that poor girl fall in love with you if you weren't sincere?! You know how fragile she is! How could you let her believe you cared and then tell her that you're in love with me?!"
"I never told her I was in love with you! I don't love you! I love Kyoko… or… at least…"
"Not you too! Finish your sentence, damn you! Why did she just call me up in tears and tell me that you said that you're in love with me? Where would she get such a stupid idea!!!"
"Look, stop yelling. I never said that to her. I was talking to Bo and I told her… Did you know that she was Bo?"
"Of course I did. Why were you talking to Bo? Nevermind that: What.. did.. you.. tell.. her?"
"A year ago, no… longer than that, I told Bo that I was in love with a high school girl who was four years younger than me. Today I told him… her that I had a secret and that I was worried about telling the girl."
"You were going to talk to her about your real name?"
"Yes… how did you…?"
"Nevermind. This doesn't make any sense. I'm not four years younger than you. I was done with highschool before we even met. Did you say anything else?"
"Um.. I said she was beautiful and worked in the LoveMe section… Oh no!"
"Mo! That girl! She doesn't even think that she's cute!"
"It doesn't matter anyway, when I went in to talk to her, she and Aiko Mari were laughing about the whole thing. She thought it was all funny. Aiko-san was calling me a 'great big man who was scared of a little girl' and they were both laughing their heads off. " Ren's anger was creeping back into his voice.
"Baka! You're as bad as she is! If Mari-chan was talking, she was probably talking about Kurosaki-san! He's all she ever talks about!"
Ren sat in silence. Slowly, ever so slowly, he understood. For the first time in hours he felt like he could breathe again.
"Hello! Are you still there? Look, I don't have a car. I'll give you my address. You come get me and we'll go over to the Darumaya right now. I want this settled once-and-for-all."
* * *
It was another thirty minutes before Ren's car pulled up to the Darumaya. As they made their way to the front door in the dark, Ren suddenly stopped and his heart fell. There was only one motorcycle parked in the space where there should have been two.
It wasn't Kyoko's.
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Notes: I sincerely hope that this wasn't too confusing for you. It was certainly interesting to write.
Thanks again for taking time to read this story and to review it.
