More Than Friendship
Chapter Six
by BitterEloquence and Wyntir Rose
Disclaimer: Transformers belong to Hasbro and Takara, and are licensed to IDW and Dreamworks. Our original characters are our own and any similarity between them and any existing characters from canon or fandom is purely coincidental. We claim no ownership by writing this work.
Authors' Note: Thanks go out to Okami_Myrhibis for betaing this fic for us.
"You know, Hound. Not that I mind you spending all this quality time with me lately but aren't you ever going to go back to your quarters?" Mirage's question came out of nowhere a few weeks later.
Hound's grin didn't quite hide the grimace. He hadn't spoken to Mirage about that kiss with Trailbreaker. Honestly, he hoped he never had to discuss it, but the truth was it had been eating at him.
"What? Are you getting tired of me already?" he quipped, trying to change the subject as he pulled Mirage into a hug.
The Ligier let himself be pulled in but the doubting noise he made showed how unconvinced he was. "Don't try to lie to me, Hound. You are a terrible liar. What happened with you and Trailbreaker to make you avoid him and your quarters, huh?"
"I'm not avoiding him," Hound replied weakly. He pulled away and sat in the desk chair. "I just talked to him about him and Silverbolt and it didn't quite go like I'd thought. That's all."
"Uh huh. And should I just read between the lines or are you going to be a grown mech and tell me what's wrong?" Mirage asked bluntly as he came to rest that wonderfully sculpted aft on the desk next to Hound.
Hound looked up at Mirage and smiled sheepishly. "I should know better than to try to keep things from you."
"Yes you should know better but I'll let it slide this time."
Hound sighed softly and steeled himself for the confession he had to make. "I went to go talk to Breaker about him and Silverbolt and how depressed he's been lately. We talked and one thing led to another and ...," he trailed off, suddenly nervous.
Mirage had reached out and stroked the lines of Hound's helm as the Jeep stumbled over his explanation. By the end of that halting sentence, a paranoid sort of fear had reared its ugly hand and it was all Mirage could do to remain nonchalant.
"....usually when a mech talks like that, he's about to confess he just interfaced with someone on accident and that they're suddenly very, very sorry." The Ligier was proud of the fact that he managed to keep his voice even.
Hound's optics widened. "No! No, it was nothing like that! Primus, no, we didn't interface." His protests sounded desperate, even to his own audios, but he suddenly had a mental image of Mirage hunting Trailbreaker down. "He kissed me, Mirage. Nothing more than that. But I didn't react well and he ran. I think I- No, I know I hurt him. Terribly."
Mirage's expression clouded briefly at Hound's confession. Some of the tension drained out of him however and he pushed away from the desk to pick up his rifle.
"So he kissed you, huh?" the Ligier mused, reaching out for a polishing cloth so he could smooth it across the cold metal in a deliberate motion. "So he kissed you and you didn't react well so he ran away. Is that it?"
Hound looked from the spy to the rifle and back again.
"Raj, you need to believe me that that's all it was. We were talking about him and Silverbolt and I told him he needed to fight for what he wants. I meant for him to fight for Bolt, and the next thing I knew he was kissing me."
"Oh, I believe you alright." Mirage sounded far too calm and reasonable as he continued to clean his weapon. "What escapes me is why you have sat there on your aft for the past few weeks and done nothing about the situation!" Mirage snapped finally, turning hot optics on his hapless lover. "Look, I've known for ages that Trailbreaker is head over heels for you and this business with Silverbolt actually looked like a turning point in this whole mess. Now you've just sat here and stewed on the whole problem and Trailbreaker has thoroughly tied himself up into double knots and I am going to have to deal with him making miserable optics at you for the next sixteen vorns!"
Hound just stared at his lover. He opened his mouth and closed it, trying to come up with something intelligent to say.
"I didn't know what to do ...," he finally said, miserably. "I mean, what am I supposed to do, Raj? If I tell him it's all okay he won't believe me. And it doesn't help any that I feel awful. I should have known how he felt. I should have seen it. I didn't and I think I've been leading him on all this time."
He sighed softly. "I know I should have gone right after him but I froze."
"You really should have but you just seem to have a blind spot for the ones you care for." It was Mirage's turn to cycle air through his vents in a quiet sigh. He set his rifle down and walked over to Hound to stare down at the seated mech with somber optics.
"That does not excuse you for letting this sit for as long as you have. Anything you're going through is probably ten times as bad for Trailbreaker. He doesn't have anyone to tell him when he is being an idiot and he doesn't have your self-confidence. Go talk to him or I swear to Primus you'll be sleeping on a couch in the commissary."
Hound looked up at Mirage and nodded, taking the spy's hand in his.
"You're right. I know I need to go talk to him." He sighed softly and stood up. "I've got no idea what I'm going to say, but I'll make it right."
Mirage's fingers curled around Hound's and he gently tugged the Jeep to his feet. "I'm sure you will think of something. You always do. Just don't let him kiss you again or he and I will have to have some strong words. I don't share." He rumbled warningly as his arms closed around Hound to pull him into a gentle hug.
Hound stepped into the hug and kissed the spy gently. "Thank you for being here to tell me that I'm being an idiot."
"Don't worry, love, I'll always tell you when you're being an idiot." Smiling playfully, the Ligier returned the kiss and tightened his arms around his lover.
Hound chuckled softly. "Right. No sharing. You'll always speak your mind. And you're always right. I'm starting to figure out the Rules of 'Raj," he quipped before returning the kiss.
"Of course I will. Only way to keep mechs honest. Besides, I had my fill of being quiet and not speaking my mind," the blue mech murmured as he nuzzled his head into the crook of Hound's shoulder. "Hmmn....'Rules of 'Raj' huh? Better get cracking then!"
Hound hummed softly as Mirage nuzzled into him and tightened his arms around the Ligier.
"Right, need to talk to 'Breaker," he murmurred. He made no move to leave, and instead shifted slightly to kiss the side of Mirage's helm.
"Yes you do need to go talk to him," Mirage murmured, briefly allowing himself to enjoy the closeness before gently pushing away. "Go, talk to him and we'll continue this when you get back."
Hound sighed softly as he was pushed away. "Right. No more putting this off," he said. "Depending on how things go I may stay with him tonight. I'll let you know."
He kissed Mirage again, gently, then turned and left the room in search of Trailbreaker.
"Just don't accidentally 'face with him." Mirage teased, a serious look in his optics as Hound left his quarters.
When Hound finally found Trailbreaker in the commissary, the SUV looked withdrawn and tired. He had spent the nights after the disastrous kiss recharging in vehicle mode in a nearby parking lot. He came in for energon, and when work required it, but for the most part he was trying to stay away from the Ark and the Autobots. The little voice in the back of his processor was louder than ever, reminding him that he wasn't any good and he always broke everything he touched. And no matter how hard he tried to silence it, the doubt just kept digging in. Now, weeks later, he was thoroughly convinced that he was a useless wreck.
Guilt coursed through him when he caught the first good look at the SUV in weeks. Fighting down a wash of self-recrimination, Hound made his way over to the dark mech's table and sat down.
"We need to talk. This is killing me, 'Breaker."
Trailbreaker looked up as Hound spoke, and cycled his optics in a tired and confused blink. As the words sunk in a panicked looked flitted across his face and he started to stand.
"I'm sorry, Hound. I didn't mean it. It was just the high-grade and I wasn't thinking. I'll tell Mirage it's all my fault."
Hound's hand closed around Trailbreaker's wrist in a tight, unshakable grip. "No! You are not running away again, 'Breaker. Sit down and let me talk. Please? I don't want our friendship to be ruined by a misunderstanding."
Trailbreaker did as he was told, sitting down slowly.
"I'm sorry, Hound. We can forget it ever happened if you want. I can go back to what we were before," he replied quietly, optics begging Hound to take the offer.
"No, I cannot just forget it. Look, 'Breaker, you're my best friend and I love you to death. I should be apologizing to you. I....I never realized you cared for me like that and it's just been eating me up to think about how I've been rubbing all my happiness in your face. I'm sorry." Emotions choked his vocalizer up and his fingers lightly tightened around the SUV's wrist to make sure he didn't bolt for it.
Trailbreaker looked down at his half finished cube of energon. "You shouldn't have to hide because I've fallen for someone I never should have. I want you to be happy, Hound, and I know that I can't make you happy. Not like Mirage can. And I should never have acted on impulse like that. I mean, things were fine before you knew ..." He trailed off and sighed softly.
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, 'Breaker. Look at me, please?" Hound took a chance and tried to tilt his head back so the dark mech would meet his optics. "Look at me at least?"
Trailbreaker didn't fight Hound and looked up at the Jeep. His optics were pale and he looked dull and tired.
"I just want you to be happy and Primus, I wish I could do that but I can't," Hound whispered miserably.
"I know, Hound." The SUV placed a hand over Hound's and squeezed it lightly. "I thought I was miserable before, but not having you in my life is awful. And when I thought that-" He cut himself off with a shake of his head. "Never mind that. ... We're good, right, Hound? I mean, you don't hate me and we can go back to being friends?"
The Jeep stroked Trailbreaker's cheek foldly and smiled at him. "Of course we're okay. As long as there is a spark in my chamber I will always be your friend."
Trailbreaker leaned into the carress as a brief glimmer of hope flared to life in his spark. In this moment he could almost let himself forget that everything was irrevocably changed. But he knew that Hound didn't return his feelings, not in the way he hoped, so he extinguished that glimmer before it became too painful. Completely unaware of the death of that hope, Hound continued to speak.
"I want you to stop blaming yourself for what happened, 'Breaker. You didn't do anything wrong and I'm glad you let me know. Even if ... even if I can't reciprocate it, I'm glad I know. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
He was on boggy ground and he knew it. The jeep's optics darkened unhappily and he struggled to change the subject. "Have you.....have you talked to Silverbolt yet?"
At the change of subject, Trailbreaker pulled away from Hound. He knew enough to call a battle lost and to accept what small victories he had gained. Having Hound in his life was a victory and he knew he needed to accept that rather than continuing down his self-destructive course. So he grasped the new topic, even though it was no less painful.
"No, I haven't ... I mean, after I thought I'd lost you, how could I go back to Silverbolt? I was convinced he hated me. I was sure that the other Aerials wouldn't let me anywhere near him," he said sadly. "But I need to talk to him, don't I? He must feel just as bad as I do ..."
Hound seized upon the new subject eagerly. Hopefully he could steer the conversation to something that might lead to a healthy and happy Traibreaker.
"Silly. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. I think we've all suffered a breakdown of communication. I do think you need to talk to him because you know exactly what he's going through and it hurts a lot. Don't let this relationship fall apart because if a miscommunication. I mean, are you really all that adverse to kissing him?"
"Who would have a problem kissing him? I mean, he's gorgeous." Trailbreaker's shoulder lifted in a self-deprecating shrug. He knew a slow lumbering truck had nothing to offer a graceful flyer. Suddenly confusion flashed over his face and in his optics. He'd never thought of Silverbolt in that way before. Never even considered it. But now…..now he was. And Trailbreaker didn't know what to make of it.
"You're right. I know how he feels and I know how hard this is. And I miss him terribly. Just as bad as I missed you. ... Maybe even worse," he added in a soft whisper as he realized just how much of his thoughts were filled with the Concorde.
Hound's spark clenched when the SUV mentioned he had missed Silverbolt more than himself. Doubt flashed through him as Mirage's words played back through his processor. Was he truly so used to being the center of Trailbreaker's 'universe' as the Ligier had put it?
Dragging his attention back tot he conversation, the jeep accepted Trailbreaker's remark with a knowing look in his optics. "So what is the problem? You are attracted to him and he's obviously attracted to you." He was oversimplifying but Trailbreaker probably needed the simplicity at the moment. "Then what's stopping you, huh? Go talk to him, 'Breaker!"
"I'm not sure I'm attracted to him. Not like that. And I don't want him to think that he's a surrogate," Trailbreaker looked away sheepishly. "He kind of figured out how I feel about you and the kiss may have just been out of pity-" He cut himself off and shook his head, trying to end that train of thought. "I know I need to talk to him, Hound. I'm just not sure what to say, or even how I really feel."
"You need to figure that out then. And if you're not capable of returning his feelings, then you need to let him know. Personally, I hope the two of you could have a future together, you suit one another." Hound admitted gently, a sympathizing look on his faceplates.
"I know Hound, I just….I don't want to lead him on? Or make him feel like he's just a surrogate of misplaced feelings for you."
The green mech cycled air through his vents and rubbed at his optics. "I understand. It's obvious you have at least missed him which of course demonstrates you care about him. I don't....I don't know what to tell you about the attraction thing. It's always been kinda instinctive for me. I like a mech, I like touching him, being close and then it moves onto something else and it's good, you know? Maybe you just have to ask yourself if you can picture you and 'Bolt being intimate?"
"You've always been so much more confident than me. You want something and you move to get what you want. I want something and all of the sudden there are twenty million questions. Would he want me back? Do I have any kind of chance? Who would really want a-" He broke off with a shake of his head, forcibly ending that line of thinking. "I think I just need to play this one as it comes. I don't want it to be too late, I want to have a chance of something with him, but I don't know if I can just make that decision now."
"Trailbreaker, you are an amazing mech and anyone would be deeply honored to have you at their side. Now, stop being so hard on yourself. The fact that he kissed you kind of already implies he's interested and wants you. All you need to do is decide if you want him back. And if you don't then you need to let him down gently."
Trailbreaker nodded. "Okay. Right. ... But I do need to recharge on it. I promise I'll figure this out tonight and talk to him first time tomorrow."
"Right you recharge on it and let me know how things turn out?"
Trailbreaker nodded and stood up. He looked better than he had at the beginning of the conversation.
"I will. And who knows, maybe after a shower and a good night's rest things'll finally make sense. ... Thanks Hound."
"I hope so, 'Breaker. I truly do." Hound stood and drew his friend in for a hug even through he barely reached Trailbreaker's shoulder. "I want you to be happy, and I hope he can make you happy."
Trailbreaker hugged Hound back, tightening his arms around the Jeep.
"Thanks Hound," he said, sighing softly.
As he cleared his vents he realized that he didn't feel the pain he normally did when hugging Hound. Always before he found himself imagining what it would be like being able to hold his friend closer, more intimately. But this time, he was hugging a friend, and he found his imagination drifting to someone with a much larger frame.
"Don't mention it, that's what friends are for, remember?" Smiling gently, Hound continued to hug Trailbreaker for a long moment as if he could transmit the positive feelings and love he felt for his friend through tactile contact alone. Finally, he pulled away and looked up at the other mech. "Are you okay on your own? I could stay over tonight if you want. Maybe we'll watch some movies or something." he offered hesitantly.
Trailbreaker smiled slightly and stepped away. "It's okay, Hound. Really. You go have fun with Mirage, and I'm probably just going to crash anyways. I don't think I'll be very good company."
"Right....well, if you need anything, don't hesitate to comm me." Hound offered quietly before leaving the commissary to head back to Mirage's quarters.
The SUV watched him go unhappily before looking moodily down at his cube.
"You fragger!"
Trailbreaker looked up from his cube. He hadn't had much of a chance to sulk. Within a breem of Hound leaving, Slingshot stalked into the commissary followed by the other three Aerialbots. All four were intent upon the SUV, all four looked concerned, hurt, worried, and in Slingshot's case, angry. Trailbreaker felt his spark sink; he could already see where this was going to go and he didn't want to deal with it. Not after his conversation with Hound.
"Oh, uhm, hi guys," he said as he stood up. "I was just leaving. I'll talk to you all later, okay?"
Before he was able to even take a step, he found himself surrounded by troubled looking Aerialbots.
"I don't slagging think so," Slingshot growled belligerently.
"Slingshot, you promised you wouldn't act like this," Skydive chided, levelling a stern gaze at his brother. "We want to talk to you, Trailbreaker. This business with you and Silverbolt affects all of us."
Trailbreaker looked around at the jets and came to the conclusion that running couldn't accomplish anything. So he sat back down and folded his hands on the table, trying to remain the picture of composure.
"I understand that it does, Skydive, and I promise I'll speak with him about ... well about everything."
"Then why haven't you been to see him? It's been weeks." There was a hint of censure and disapproval in Skydive's tone as he looked at the older mech somberly. "'Bolt kept telling us you're not like the other groundpounders but this kind of behavior does not help to reassure me."
"You know you hurt him, right?" Air Raid said pointedly. "We don't know what happened but we know you had something to do with it."
Slingshot sneered. He knew very well what had gone on and it had been against his wishes that they were even here. He didn't want Trailbreaker anywhere near his brother but the other Aerialbots had overridden him. "We're wasting our time. He's just a stupid, selfish groundpounder."
"Come on, Slings, we said we'd hear him out. I mean, sure he's a truck, but Bolt saw something in him, so shouldn't we give him the chance to explain? I mean, it's what Bolt would do, isn't it?" Fireflight asked in that insufferably hopeful way of his.
"No, Fireflight, Slingshot's right. I am an idiot," Trailbreaker said quietly. "I didn't speak to Silverbolt before because I thought that I'd just make things worse. That's not an excuse, and I know I was wrong. I promise I'll talk to him in the morning, okay, guys? I'll try to make this right."
"You're an idiot," Slingshot growled at Fireflight, completely ignoring what Trailbreaker had said. He immediately regretted it when he saw the flash of hurt on his brother's face.
"Slingshot." There was a hint of warning in Skydive's face when he glared at the Harrier. "Stop."
Air Raid moved closer to Fireflight, comforting the Phantom with his presence while glaring at Slingshot. Fireflight sort of shrank and huddled against Air Raid. His flight stabilizers shivered a little, betraying his hurt feelings.
"What? Jeeze..." Belligerent, Slingshot crossed his arms over his chest and glowered at Air Raid.
Fireflight shook his head as he looked at Slingshot. "Be nice," he said over the gestalt link. "I mean, Silverbolt does see something in him and Bolt's usually a real good judge of character."
Air Raid snorted over the link. "He's not that good a judge. You make it sound like he's infallible, 'Flight, and I think all this proves he isn't."
"Of course he has terrible tastes, he's Silverbolt. And frag that slag, I'm not being nice to some stupid groundpounder. If you don't like it, you can kiss my tailfins." The Harrier huffed over the gestalt link.
Seeing the way his brothers were imploding, Skydive grimaced. "You need to fix this somehow, Trailbreaker. We're going to pieces because of Silverbolt constantly barraging the gestalt with all his emotional problems. You need to understand that what you do to one of us, you do to all of us."
Trailbreaker flinched slightly as the full effect of this hit home.
"Yes, I know. I need to fix this. You've told me. Hound's told me. I know! Can I go now or do I need to worry about getting kicked by Superion in the battle?" Trailbreaker asked sharply.
"No, you don't need to worry about that," Skydive replied. As he spoke he sent another warning to Slingshot as the Harrier nodded in approval at the suggestion. "Look, I think that we need to talk this through. Just you and me."
"Hey! No!" Slingshot protested. "This involves all of us!"
"Slingshot! You're just aggravating the situation! Stop it! Right now!" Skydive shot out across the link. "Guys, why don't you go back to the Aerie and let Trailbreaker and me talk about this, okay?"
Slingshot glowered at Skydive, but finally backed down. "Fine! Whatever!"
He stormed out of the commissary, followed by an apologetic looking Fireflight and Air Raid.
Trailbreaker watched them go then turned his attention back to Skydive. "I don't know what you want me to say. I've promised that I'll talk to him, and that's all I can do. What else do you want me to say?"
"Trailbreaker, what I need to know is what your intentions are here? I wasn't threatening earlier, just stating a fact. What hurts one of us, hurts us all, and if you're just going to be playing with Silverbolt, then you need to know what the big picture is," Skydive replied calmly.
"I'm not playing with him! Why would I do that?"
"It wouldn't be the first time a car got curious about a jet. And it wouldn't be the first time that curiosity was acted on." Skydive shrugged. "If that's all this is though, then I suggest you choose a different flyer. Silverbolt's not in the right place for this. Not right now at any rate."
Trailbreaker's hand closed around his energon cube with enough force to crack it. "This isn't some fling and it isn't curiosity! How dare you even suggest that!"
"Calm down, Trailbreaker. I wasn't accusing, I'm just trying to get a feel for what's happening."
"No! I won't calm down! Silverbolt is my friend! He may be my best friend and I would never hurt him like that! Ever!" Trailbreaker growled.
"So then why didn't you go talk to him? Why did you let him stew like that?" Skydive asked. There was no recriminations, no attack. Just a question seeking an honest answer.
"Because I hurt him! Because he probably hated me and because I'm an idiot and let the best thing that ever happened to me run away!" Trailbreaker suddenly stopped, optics wide as he came to that sudden, and surprising realization.
Skydive reached out and placed a hand on the SUV's arm. "And he feels the same, Trailbreaker. He was happier when he was with you. We all felt it. Even Slingshot. And now he's miserable because he's afraid you hate him."
"I could never hate him," Traibreaker said quietly, never looking up from his cube. "He's my best friend and I think I ... I could never hate him."
"Then tell him that. I can take the others out for some test patterns tomorrow and give you and Silverbolt the time you need to talk. I get the idea that you already know how you feel. You just need to tell him that."
"Yeah, I know ... I know I need to make this right." Trailbreaker sighed and looked up at Skydive. "I'll talk to him tomorrow. I'll let him know how I feel and try to make this right."
"That's all I can ask." Smiling faintly, Skydive patted the other mech's forearm and headed out after his brothers.
