AN: I've neglected updating this fic for a while, my bad. Now that Match is finished :(, it will have my undivided attention… I hope… ;) haha Enjoy!
When we got to Coney Island, I instantly felt like I was a kid again. I was taken here my by mother on nights when she didn't know what else to do with me. She sat and drank while I went on ride after ride. By the end of the night, we were both puking. I shuddered as the smell brought around the taste of corn dogs the second time around. I glanced at Cassidy. He was standing there, hands on his hips, surveying the crowd, looking way too much like my husband. I mentally kicked myself for even thinking it. There was no way in hell that I could have feelings for Cassidy. No way…
"Olivia!"
Whoa had Brian just called me by my first name? Did I just refer to him as Brian?
"What?"
"Is that him? Or is it Robin Williams again?"
I looked in Cassidy's direction. Cragen's tip, for once, was right. There stood Merrit Rook.
"Why Detective Olivia Benson," Merrit smiled. "How are you?"
"Confused, considering Elliot and I chased you into the Hudson."
"Now if you did that, how would I be standing here? Wait, who's this? Where is your partner? I was hoping to see Elliot again…"
"He's on bed rest with broken ribs and gun-shot wounds," I explained. "This is Detective Brian Cassidy."
I couldn't believe I was talking to Rook like we were old friends. He was a criminal I should be arresting.
"I notice you have a wedding ring now, Olivia," Rook mused. "Who's the lucky guy?"
"Elliot," I replied.
"Your partner Elliot?"
"The one and only."
"You know I hate to break up this little reunion here, but we need to take you in now," Cassidy stated.
"Oh I was afraid of that," Rook said.
He took off running. I instinctively did too.
"Olivia wait!" Cassidy called.
I didn't. I just kept running, ignoring that fact he'd called me "Olivia" again. This is what we did; how my partnership worked. The perp took off, so did we. Elliot would usually get there first, being the faster runner and all. Cassidy was used to working with Munch, who never ran. El and I… we were always running.
"Benson!" Cassidy called again.
I continued to pursue Rook, shoving people out of my way. My head must have been somewhere else because suddenly my feet slipped out from under me. Rook had led me straight over the edge of a cliff! I scrambled to get purchase on the edge but nothing worked. I felt a hand clamp around my wrist. I made the mistake of looking down. I had no idea where Rook went (again), but below me were jagged rocks and crashing waves. Panic overwhelmed me. I'd never been a big fan of heights.
"Liv! Are you okay?"
My head snapped up. Did he really just call me Liv?
"I hate heights," I managed to squeak out.
I had been in a lot worse situations than this, but my fear of heights was getting the better of me. I started panicking, trying to pull myself up. When my feet would slip and I would get nowhere; my eyes would start to fill with worried tears.
"Liv, just stop squirming. I'll pull you up," Cassidy instructed.
I stopped, but when I did, my grip on Cassidy's hand slipped. It drew a shriek from me.
"Brian, help me!" I pleaded.
"I've got you, I'm not going to let you fall."
I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Get a grip, Benson, you're going to be fine. Wait a second, did I just refer to myself as Benson? I felt myself being lifted. Cassidy pulled me back up onto solid ground. I fell into his arms, shaking.
"You're okay. It's fine. I've got you," Cassidy soothed.
I raised my head, looking directly into his eyes.
I saw so much of Elliot in him. A side of him that left once we were married. The guy who was just my partner. Married. Off-limits. The man I fell in love with. And so before my mind had a chance to separate Elliot and Cassidy, I was leaning towards him and our lips met.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"Casey!!"
I stormed into her office.
"I kissed Cassidy!"
Casey's head immediately snapped up from the file she was reading.
"Say what now?"
"I kissed Cassidy," I said again.
"You kissed him or he kissed you?"
"I kissed him," I repeated a third time. "God, I feel like I'm in high school again."
"What possessed you to do that?"
"He just…he reminded me of so much of Elliot pre-Gitano and junk. The one who fought with me constantly and I don't know…" I sighed.
"Are you saying Elliot's changed since you've married him?"
"I'm sure he hasn't, but…" I shook my head. "What if I'm not really in love with him? What if I was just in love with the idea of having someone who was off-limits?"
"Olivia, how can you even say that?"
I thought about Elliot. I thought about us. My head was spinning with too many thoughts and emotions to know.
"I don't know," I whispered.
"Liv, your love created a beautiful little girl."
"But I did that with Cassidy too. I just didn't get pregnant."
I ran a hand through my hair.
"Do you have feelings for Cassidy?" Casey asked.
"No! I couldn't… I mean I don't…think so…"
"You should talk to Elliot."
"And tell him what? That I kissed Cassidy and I'm not sure if I actually love him?"
"Are you seriously questioning that?"
I hung my head in shame. I hated that I was questioning it. Of course I loved my husband. Didn't I?
"What happened with Rook?" Casey asked, changing the subject.
"He got away," I answered quietly.
"What happened after you kissed him?" Casey asked, going back.
I sighed. "I pulled away. We apologized in unison. I thanked him for saving me from the cliff and we left without another word."
Casey bit her lower lip.
"He has feelings for me, I know he does. But I…I can't…I don't…I won't…"
For some reason I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence. I looked at my watch.
"I have to go pick up Rissa. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Okay. Oh and Liv?"
I stopped and turned around.
"Don't let this ruin your marriage."
"It won't," I told her before leaving.
It can't, I silently added.
EEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOO
On my way to pick up Rissa, I literally almost got in three accidents. My head was everywhere, but where it was supposed to be. I knew I had to get my act together before my daughter got in the car. As soon as she slid into the seat next to me, I could tell she sensed something was wrong.
"What's wrong, Mom?" Rissa asked.
Called that.
"I just have a lot on my mind right now, sweetie. It's nothing to worry about."
"Something at work?"
"Sort of…"
"With Dad?"
"Yeah…"
"What then? Come on Mom, you can tell me."
"It's grown up stuff, Riss. I'm sorry."
"I'm grown up," Rissa protested.
"You're seven."
She huffed and folded her arms over her chest, looking out the window. Then she turned on Radio Disney where Miley Montana (she has too many alter egos) was singing, "You make me want to forget, and start all over!"
Exactly. I wanted to forget about Cassidy and start all over with Elliot. Who knew that little Britney wannabe could be so insightful?
Her song ended and suddenly "We're all in this together blah blah blah make our dreams come true. Yadda Yadda." Yeah I don't know the words. Nor can I stand them. I changed the station.
"Hey!" Rissa protested.
"I'm sorry, but you know I can't stand HSM."
"You're listening to totally 80's Tuesday on Light Rock 104.5," the radio announced before playing "I'll Stop the World and Melt With You."
"Eww, old people music," Rissa said in disgust.
"Old people music? Excuse me? This is only from the 80's!"
"Was I around then? No. I didn't even see the 90s's…"
"Ha. That's when I first met your father…"
Why did I keep thinking back to then? Was that Elliot really that different? I figured once I saw him, saw my Elliot, all these stupid feelings of doubt would disappear. Because if they didn't, I was doomed.
AN: In the words of Mrs. Zywiec: Plan. Do. Review.
