A/N: Humptidum... It's been a while, hasn't it? Let's just say summer was much more activating than I thought it would be, and Daphne (my muse) didn't really feel like staying inside my body. But here's another chapter for all you lovely people who are sticking with me :)
And SPOILER alert for episodes 6 and 7 of season 4 (In Memoriam and The Instincts)!!
First, a short recap since it's been a while:
-- After coming back to his apartment one night, Reid is abducted by an unknown man, who throws off the search by packing a bag with Reid's clothes while abducting him, making it look like the young agent just took off. The bag is found in Cincinnati, and the team is hot on the trail. However, a phone call from an exhausted Reid in Nashville throws them all off base. Having wandered a plain outside Nashville for several hours, Reid is found and taken to the hospital where his team joins him later. Severe sunburns and dehydration keeps Reid in the hospital for days, and it is discovered that he has no recollection of the four days he has been missing. Now let's rejoin our heroes. --
-o-o-o-
There was no comparison between coffee squirted from a vending machine, and coffee made in one's own maker at home. Reid smiled blissfully as he raised the huge blue cup to his lips with both hands and took the first sip of hot, bitter, wonderful man-made nectar. The coffee in the Saint Thomas Hospital, Nashville more resembled dishwater mixed with mud than real, aromatic coffee. This was coffee.
Closing his eyes, he drew a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders. Strangely enough, it wasn't as difficult as it had been lately. After his team had brought him back from Nashville, it took him a few days to be able to even sleep soundly in his own bed. No wonder, since that was the place where this entire covert nightmare had started.
The first thing that had been done upon Reid's return to his apartment was that Morgan called a lock smith to replace the lock on the door with something a bit more up to date. Completing the procedure with an extra seven-lever-lock and a strong door chain, Reid finally felt safe in his own domains again. Leaning on his elbows on the oak dinner table, he sighed.
He had been trying to push the thoughts about this day away from his mind, but somehow they kept pouring back in. Today was the day Morgan was going to pick him up at 11AM and take him to Dr. Alphonse Terwayne, specialist in the subject of the subconscious mind and its workings. Also a licensed hypnotherapist. Today was the day he was possibly going to find out what happened to him during his missing four days.
Reid couldn't hide the fact from himself that he was anxious about exploring the events of the days he had been missing. What if there were things he'd rather not find out? Like last time… In any case, this was something he needed to do. He needed to know.
The coffee was divine, but it couldn't stop his heart from beating just a little bit too fast. Looking at the clock, he found that it was just a few minutes to eleven and Morgan would be there at any time to pick him up. Reid took a deep gulp of java and set the cup down on the table. Hot and sweet, just the way he liked it.
The knock on the door told him that his colleague had arrived. There was no escaping it now. Rising from the table, Reid was relieved that the searing pain all over his body had subsided since leaving the hospital. The burns had healed rather nicely thanks to cooling balms and lotions galore he had been prescribed. His skin had almost completely gone back to its old pasty self.
It took him only a few moments to make his way from the kitchen to the front door, but twice the time as usual to get all the locks open. It was time he was more than willing to spend not to have any more uninvited guests. As he opened the door, Morgan stood leaning against the wall outside, looking at his younger colleague with a smirk.
"Hey kid. Ready to roll?"
"Yeah, just give me a moment. I have to get my bag." He was still on sick leave a week after returning from Nashville, but was coming back to work on the following Monday. Today was Thursday. Reid grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder as he exited his apartment.
"Let's go", he said with a stoic look on his face. His insides were in turmoil.
-o-o-o-
"All you will hear is my voice."
The voice was deep and soothing.
"Do you understand?"
Reid nodded as he lay fully relaxed on the leather couch, eyes closed and hands folded over his stomach. "Yes", he mumbled.
"Good. Now. I want you to think back to the day you returned to your apartment; the night you were taken from your home."
Reid's mind wandered back to him walking through the door and eventually falling asleep on the couch. The crash. The search of the apartment. The man attacking him from behind. Then it all went black.
"I want you to tell me what the first thing you remember is when you wake up. What do you see?"
Reid's eyes moved rapidly behind his closed eye lids. He was slowly remembering. "I see…light."
"That's good. Look closer at the light. Is there anything else there? Figures, movement, anything?"
A small frown formed on Reid's brow as he pressed his lips together. "I can't see."
"Look closer. Look around. Tell me what you see. Don't be scared, I'm right here. Tell me what you see."
Reid turned his head to his right. Then to his left. Then he opened his eyes.
The room around him is barren and sterile. Metal walls and bright lights glare at him from all angles. As he tries to move, he finds that he can't even lift a finger. All he can move is his eyes. Trying to swallow, he realizes that's impossible as well, as there's a tube in his mouth and all the way down his throat as far as he can tell. The sharp objects digging into his eye sockets are out of his field of vision, but seem to be keeping his eyes wide open. Fear quickly creeps up inside him.
"Easy, Spencer. I'm right here. Tell me more."
He can hear voices from somewhere in the room. The slight echo they cause is eerie and metallic as the dull voices bounce around the room, which seems to be much larger than he can see.
The chair, in which he's sitting, feels like a dentist chair, partially leaned back but as far as he can tell there are no bounds or restrictions. Realistically, they would fill no purpose as he's completely immobile for some reason. More fear.
"Calm down, Spencer. You are not there now, you are simply watching. You are simply a spectator."
He can't make out the words the voices are saying, they are too muffled. He can see hands, but no faces. Suddenly, something is placed over his head, like a tight fitting helmet. He tries to move, scream, fight and run, but there's not a muscle in his body responding to his desperate urges. The tight helmet gives off a sharp, beeping tone – seemingly never ending. He wants to scream for help, but not a sound escapes his lips.
"Feel my hand in yours, Spencer. You are safe. Move yourself further away and tell me more."
The piercing beep tearing his ears to shreds is relentless, and suddenly something is placed before his eyes, and the world turns black. Seconds later, images flash before him, colorful images of all shapes and sizes, all the while his ears are being massacred by the noise. The images switch constantly, and he can hardly make out the motives, only that they are all extremely colorful. Only seconds pass by, before his mind is completely muddled and his senses severely dimmed.
Sharp pain shoots into his neck, making his body vibrate. His jaw clenches involuntarily. The pain ceases, and then comes back in regular intervals, with escalating intensity. He can't… He can't…think…
"It's okay, Spencer. You don't have to remember this. Let's move forward a bit. Tell me what happens after you are released from the chair."
Reid drew a deep, semi-conscious breath. "I… I'm in a car. It's moving. I'm sitting in the back seat."
"Are you hurt?"
"No. I'm just sitting there, not thinking about anything at all."
"Do you see anything outside the window?"
Reid nodded. "Yes, houses. Apartment buildings. The car stopped."
"Are you getting out?"
"Yes. I'm opening the door and stepping out, and the car takes off."
"Look around. Where are you?"
Reid furrowed his brow. "I'm outside one of the apartment buildings. I'm walking up the stairs. It's not my place. I don't know this street at all, I've never been here."
"That's okay, Spencer. You're doing very well. What happens now?"
"I'm walking up the stairs and punching in a code to open the door. How do I know that code? I've never been here."
"We'll get to that. You're entering the building?"
"Yes. I'm walking up the stairs to the next floor. I can't feel anything. I mean, I'm almost catatonic, but I'm moving. It's like I'm in a dream. There's a door straight ahead, and I'm heading towards it. I knock."
"Does someone open?"
Reid turned his head to his side, baring his teeth momentarily. "I can't see his face."
"That's okay. Do you talk to him?"
"No. I pass him in the door and walk into his apartment. Into the kitchen. He follows me."
The strained look on Reid's face was suddenly replaced by one of fear. "I-I'm… I'm reaching for the knife block. Oh, God, what am I doing? I'm taking out a knife, a big kitchen knife." His breathing sped up and turned shallow as the muscles of his legs began tensing and lifting his knees. "No…no…"
"What's happening, Spencer?"
"He's talking, but I can't hear what he's saying, and he's coming at me. Oh, God…the knife! No!"
He was suddenly twisting on the sofa, trying to push the horrid memories away, and he was screaming. "No! Oh, God…!" A tear crept out from the corner of his eye.
"Okay, Spencer, come back to me. Come back. You're right here and you're safe. Come back to me and Derek."
With a sharp jerk, Reid opened his eyes, and he was bathing in sweat. Panting heavily, he hastily pulled himself up into a sitting position and leaned his face in his palms. "God…"
"What happened in there, kid?" Morgan wondered, worryingly resting a hand on his younger colleague's shoulder. The last time he had seen Reid even close to this distraught was when he was having nightmares about seeing his father killing a small child.
"Remember, Spencer", Dr. Terwayne said soothingly, "what you see during hypnosis is not necessarily direct depiction of what really happened. Perhaps you misinterpreted what you saw?"
Reid looked up, shock in his eyes. "How can I misinterpret me plunging a steak knife into another man's chest?!" He let his head drop again and ran his fingers through his hair. "What have I done?!"
Morgan's heart skipped a beat. Staring at the young agent, he rested his chin on his hand while leaning forward. "Reid, you couldn't have done that."
"According to my brain I did", the young man mumbled. "God…"
"Your brain is one of the most complex ones in the world, kid. No one's gonna look down on you if it malfunctions a bit from time to time."
"No. No, this happened. I can feel it. It's real."
"Reid, remember last time you were put under hypnosis. You saw things that showed you one thing, but in reality it was completely different."
"I couldn't have misinterpreted this! I was standing there with the knife in my hand! Morgan, I killed someone and I didn't even remember it!" Reid slammed his palms down on the leather seat beneath him, and stood up, beginning to pace the room. "What am I gonna do?"
Morgan drew a deep breath. "I don't know. But we need to talk to Hotch. If what you saw really happened, we need to look into it." He rose from his seat next to the couch and reached out a hand towards Dr. Terwayne. "Thank you, Doctor. You've been a great help."
"I'm glad to be of service. Agent Morgan, make sure Spencer takes it easy for a while now", he said in a hushed voice. "My experience tells me that he will be very fragile for a few days. I trust that what came out during this session will be handled internally by you and your peers?"
Morgan nodded. "Yeah, we'll take care of it. Thank you for everything." He turned to Reid who was walking slowly around the room, trying to get his bearings straight. "Hey kid."
Reid turned back to the two men and raised his hand in a waving gesture. "Thank you, Dr. Terwayne."
"You are welcome, Spencer. Take care of yourself now, and I hope that it all works out for you."
As the two agents left the doctor's office, Morgan tried to make Reid talk to him about what had happened, but Reid's mind was otherwise occupied.
I killed someone. I killed him. There was blood on my hands and in my face, and everywhere on the floor. It happened; I can feel it in every fiber of my being. I remember now. I remember everything. Almost everything.
Who was he? Who did I kill?
