God Bless The Broken Road
(Chapter Five: A Bad Goodbye)
Olivia sat in the passengers seat staring out the window as Elliot drove them back across town. She pulled her phone from her pocket and smiled as she felt it vibrate in her pocket.
"Hey," she said sweetly as Elliot turned his head sharply to look in her direction.
She listened for a few minutes with a smile on her face. It was always so nice to hear his voice and just the sound of him on the other end of the line was enough to start her heart racing.
"Yeah," she said softly smiling again. "Me, too." She turned to look at Elliot who was not doing so hot at trying to hide the fact that he was obviously eavesdropping on her conversation.
"Can I call you back in a little while?" She asked him. "I'm working right now and it is a little hard to talk."
There was a pause on her end and she smiled again.
"Me, too. I will talk to you later. Bye."
She closed the phone in her hand and exhaled lightly as she combed her fingers through her hair and stared at it. Then she turned to look out the window again.
Elliot was dying to know who this mystery caller was and what this was all about. But he was thinking about what she had said about them knowing too much about each other and he didn't want to piss her off by asking. He waited eagerly for her to offer up the information, but she never did.
"So…" Elliot said after several minutes of awkward quietness.
"So?" She repeated turning to look at him.
He stared at her for a minute but she held a blank expression on her face and did not say anything at all.
Elliot took a deep breath, he couldn't take it anymore. Besides she was still his best friend and he had the right to be concerned for her safety, right?
"Who was that?" He asked scratching his head and trying to be smooth about it.
"A friend," she answered simply.
"Liv, what is going on with you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the fact that you are very obviously hiding something from me. And it is obviously something you feel needs to be hidden."
"Then why don't you just leave it alone?" She asked giving him a glare that clearly said it was none of his business.
"I worry about you."
"Don't. I am not one of your responsibilities, Elliot. I can take care of myself just fine."
"Look, I know I hurt you. And I am sorry for that. I would take it back if I could Olivia, but I can't. But you being hostile toward me is not going to fix anything. All it is doing is making it hard for us to work together."
"I am not hostile!"
"You are. You wont even look me in the eye anymore. You are so hurt and pissed off that you are pushing me away. I thought we agreed that it would never be this way between us?"
"Yeah, well we agreed on a lot of things that didn't work out the way we had planned. Why should this be any different?"
"Olivia, look at me."
She sat staring out the window quietly, now she was avoiding talking to him as well. Elliot pulled the car over at the park and shut off the engine.
"Talk to me, Liv."
She was starting to cry and still refused to look at him.
"What do you want me to say Elliot? I screwed up. I let myself fall in love with a married man. But I can't have you. I will never have you. Not the way I want you. So it is over. And I am fine with that. It is just a little hard to adjust to."
"Liv, I know you are still hurt over this. But we have to find a way to put it all aside and still be able to work together."
Finally she looked at him and Elliot stared in to her face as tears streamed down it. "You know what hurts the most, Elliot? Is that I almost feel betrayed by you. Not by my boyfriend, but by my best friend. All of those things that you said to me about this being real and you could feel how we were supposed to be together. Then two months later you just walk away from me and go back. You never should have pursued things with me Elliot, if there was ever a chance that you would get back together with Kathy. You turned this into something bad. We had a wonderful two month relationship that you downgraded to an affair when you went back to your wife. You made me the other woman, Elliot. And I don't know if I can ever fully forgive you for the way you made me feel. I loved you. I trusted you and I was blindsided by this. I never would have expected anything like this from you. It may be childish and even stupid for me to feel this way about all of this, but it is the way I honestly feel at least for now. So, if I seem a bit moody with you as a result of our untimely break up, then you are just going to have to deal with it for a while!"
"Olivia, don't be this way."
"No. You expect me to just smile and go on like it never happened and be all buddy, buddy best friends again. Elliot if you were thinking like my best friend that night you never would have hurt me like this!"
By now he had driven them back to the precinct and he pulled over in front of the building as she unbuckled her seat belt.
"I get it, I'm a shitty friend."
"No Elliot," she said looking at him and wiping the tears from her face, "you are a shitty boyfriend!" She climbed out of the car and slammed the door behind her as she climbed the steps and walked toward her desk. She hated that he made her feel this way. She hated that she was being a complete and total bitch to him, but for right now she didn't know of any other way to react to him.
Elliot walked in and sat down across from her. With out looking Olivia picked up her phone and walked to the ladies room to return Jack's call.
"Hey," she said softly as she heard him answer.
"What's going on? You sound like you have been crying?"
"I'm okay. Just having a rough day."
"Well, what if I said I thought I could make it better?"
"How is that?"
"I will be arriving at JFK in three hours."
"Really?" All of a sudden all of her problems with Elliot had drifted from her mind.
"Yes, but I can only stay for a few hours before I have to head out again."
"How did you pull this off?"
"I traded schedules with a buddy of mine. He wanted the weekend off to celebrate his anniversary with his wife and I held out for his New York flight."
"You are so amazing. How long can you stay?"
"I will be in around five and have to fly out on the red eye flight. I have to be back at the airport by midnight. The flight leaves at one tomorrow morning."
"It is almost two now. Why don't I pick you up and I will cook you dinner at my place. I can pick up a bottle of wine."
"Sweetheart, I would love to. But I can't do wine. I have to fly later."
"Well, we'll think of something," she said smiling. "I miss you so much and I cannot wait to see you."
Olivia got off the phone and took the rest of the afternoon off to head home and prepare for Jack's arrival. She wanted tonight to be really special for him and she had not stopped thinking about him since their wonderful night together back in Denver. And their conversations three or four times a day every day since they had met had just brought them even closer. She felt as if it had been months that they had been together and really they had only been on two dates.
She made a few stops on the way home getting some groceries, candles and fresh flowers for the table. She put on soft music and took a bubble bath to relax and wash away work from her mind and body, before slipping in to something casual but sexy.
She chose her favorite pair of blue jeans that were just a little tight and fit her body perfectly and a thin, soft V-neck navy blue sweater over a white tank top. She fixed her hair and make up and had dinner almost completely ready when she headed out the door to go get Jack.
She stood at the airport in front of the gate number he had given her and watched as his plane came in. She stared out the window a little in awe at the fact that it was Jack who had been flying that big plane, she was proud to be his….whatever she was to him. Olivia turned her head to look gown at the carpet beneath her feet as she thought about it for a second. She had never really considered their situation before. What exactly were they? They were friends, yes. But it seemed like so much more than that. Yet, they weren't quite lovers. Was she even his girlfriend?
She looked back up and watched as the passengers unloaded from the plane reuniting with their loved ones. The crowd soon thinned out and Olivia sat in a chair against the wall to wait for him.
"There she is," she heard his voice say from across the room as she looked up from her phone. She dropped the opened phone into the chair beside her and threw her arms around his neck as she kissed his lips and he led tight to her waist.
"God I missed you," she said softly.
"I missed you, too." Jack kissed her again and pulled his jacket over his shoulder as he put his arm around her.
"I've never actually seen you in your uniform. It's so sexy," she said with a smile.
"I was thinking the same exact thing about this sweater," he said as she laughed.
Jack stood for a moment and just looked into her eyes. "I told you that I would come see you."
"I am so glad you are here."
He kissed her softly. "Lets get out of this airport before they send me back out."
They started to walk toward the exit. "Oh…" Olivia said running back to get her phone from the chair. She picked it up and looked back down at the text message she had received from Elliot asking if everything was okay and wanting to know why she left work so early. The reply she typed him consisted of only two words… "I'm fine." She hit send and turned off her phone for the evening.
Back at the apartment Olivia showed Jack around. He changed in to more comfortable clothes then sat on a barstool at the counter watching as she finished cooking them dinner and set the table. Olivia lit the candles as they both sat down to eat.
She couldn't help but smile as she stared across the table at the handsome man seated at the other end. Afterward they kicked off their shoes and curled up on the couch together to watch a pay-per-view movie. But they didn't actually watch much of the movie.
Moments in to it they began kissing and exploring each others bodies. They ended up having a really sexy two and a half hour make out session that consisted of pretty much everything except sex. Before they fell asleep together in their underwear covered by the blanket from the back of the couch. His arms tight around her body as they slept. A few hours later his cell phone alarm went off and it was time for him to go again.
They got up and Olivia made coffee as he took a quick shower. Then it was time for her to take him back to the airport again. Things were quiet for a little while in the car. Olivia looked at him and smiled. Jack smiled back at her. He had an amazing smile and perfect white teeth.
"Jack," she said softly, "what exactly are we?"
He looked at her and smiled again. "What?"
"I mean we are like really good friends who kiss and make out a lot and fall asleep together half naked. What is that? Are we even dating?"
"Olivia…"
"You can call me Liv."
"Liv," he said with a smile, "I thought…I mean I guess I just assumed….that you were my girlfriend. If that is not what you wanted…"
"No," she cut him off. "I mean yes, that is what I was hoping you would say. I just was not sure. I mean, we didn't really talk about it. And I have never been in this kind of relationship before, so I was not sure."
Jack touched the side of her face gently and kissed her as they got out of the car and walked back in to the airport. He had put his uniform back on and right now she was really wishing she had taken things just a little further on the sofa a few hours earlier. She wanted him more than she had ever wanted anyone, but after things with Elliot went bad she really wanted to make sure this was something that was going to last before she got too involved with Jack.
"I'm going to miss you," he said turning to hug her.
She snuggled in against his chest and closed her eyes just breathing him in as he held her.
"I'm going to miss you too," she leaned her head up and kissed him softly.
"But a buddy of mine has a few New Your flights coming up in the next month or so, I'm gonna try to get him to switch me so I can come visit you again."
Olivia held his hand tight in hers as they walked toward his gate.
"The next time you come visit me it will have to be in Denver," she shifted her eyes up to look in to his waiting for his reaction.
"You took the job?"
"I need some time on my own. Time away from things here to find myself again. I called Captain Brooks in Denver this morning and told him I was accepting the position."
"Wow. Have you told anyone here yet?"
"My boss knows. But I have not told Elliot."
"Elliot is your partner?"
"Yeah. But it is more than that," she exhaled deeply. "You don't have time for me to get in to it."
Jack looked at his watch. "Actually I am ready to go. I just have to wait for them to board. I can spare a few minutes for my girlfriend," he said with a smile a she kissed her.
"God, I don't even know where to start. Elliot and I have been partners for eleven years now. But we are….were much more than that. He is also my best friend."
"And you have not told him you are moving?"
"Something happened. We had been interested in each other for a long time and just kind of ignored it because it wasn't appropriate. He was married and had children and we worked together. Then he and his wife separated several months back. They filed for divorce and were just waiting to go to court for it to be over. He and I decided to take a chance and we dated for two months. Then one night she called him and said they needed to talk. When he came back he told me that she was pregnant again and he had decided to go back home to her and take responsibility for his family. I have never been more hurt by any relationship in my life. I understand why he did it. And I cannot honestly say that at least part of me thinks it was the right thing to do. But I got hurt, I was in love with him for years. And I felt…I feel betrayed by him as a friend. Anyway, I have kind of been a little bitchy to him a lot lately and for the most part I think it is because I am so afraid of telling him that I am leaving."
"Do you still love him?"
"I'm trying really hard to love someone new," she said reaching for his hand.
"And how is that going?"
Olivia smiled at him. "Really well."
Jack leaned in and kissed her.
"I don't want to hurt him. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him completely. I need him in my life. Please understand that."
"You think I would try to take away your best friend?"
"Well, I can't say that if your best friend were a woman and I found out you had slept with her I would want you spending time alone with her!"
"Liv, I trust you. Okay? You told me that you want this relationship and there is nothing romantic between you and Elliot anymore, I believe you. But I think you need to talk to him. You need to get all of these feelings and all of the hurt resolved before you leave or it will just come between you."
"I am just worried he is going to think I am just doing this to get away from him."
"Is that why you are doing it?"
"No. I mean, maybe a little. But I'm doing it for me. It is a good opportunity for me."
"Then you are doing the right thing. You can still come back here and visit and call each other. You can still be friends. And if you get to Denver and realize it was not what you wanted, you can come back Olivia."
"Yeah. So you think I am making the right decision?"
"I think that if it is something you are even remotely interested in, then you owe it to yourself to at least give it a shot. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been. Liv, you cannot be afraid to take chances in life. That is the only way to get what you want, what you deserve. Sometimes those chances don't work out the way we had hoped they would and we get burned. But you cannot let that keep you from going after the things you want in life."
She smiled at him. "You're right."
"Of course I am," he said nudging her with his shoulder. Jack leaned in and kissed her. "Did that help any?"
"Yeah, it really did."
"Good. Listen, you call me if you need me. I am here for you." He kissed her cheek softly.
"Thank you," she said softly.
"I'd better go," he said standing up as they gave the final boarding call for his flight.
"I will call you tomorrow."
"Okay," she said with a smile.
They hugged and kissed and said their goodbye. Then she watched as he boarded his plane and moments later it took off.
The next day Olivia got a dozen roses at work with no card, but she knew who they were from. Jack knew that she had not told Elliot about him yet so this was his way of showing her that he cared without forcing her to explain who Jack was.
Elliot sat across from her all day and watched her daydream. He had seen her do this before and the last time it was over him. He knew by the way she was acting that there was a new man in her life. He just couldn't understand why she was trying so hard to hide him from Elliot.
That night Olivia had began to pack a few things in to boxes when she got a call from Elliot. He was still in Manhattan and wanted to know if they could get a drink and talk. An hour later she met him at a bar and they had a couple of beers.
Elliot confronted her about this new man in her life and Olivia told him that she had met someone.
"Is it serious?" He asked staring in to her eyes.
"Well, we just met not to long ago. But I am hoping it will be."
"What is he like?"
"He's a good guy El." She just looked at him trying to defend Jack.
"Olivia, I am glad that you have met someone that can make you happy. I'm not trying to pry here. Just making conversation. My best friend has a new man in her life, I would like to know about him. But as my ex-girlfriend, I understand if you are not comfortable talking about him with me."
"No, it's okay. Elliot, I don't want us to be weird around each other. I miss the way things were before."
"So do I."
She looked at him for a minute and he leaned in to kiss her forehead, but turned away catching himself before he did.
"So tell me about this new guy."
"His name is Jack. And he is an airline pilot."
"He treats you nice?"
"Yes. He is such a gentleman. And he is really sweet. From the south, he was raised in Georgia. He is still close with his mother and sees her as often as he can."
"He's the reason you left early yesterday?"
"Yes. He was in town, but only for a few hours between flights. He came over and I cooked him dinner. I wish you could meet him, El. I really think you two would get along great."
"Well, maybe next time he is in town."
She looked down at the bar. "Yeah, maybe. It is after midnight and we have to work tomorrow, I should be going."
"Liv, I am glad that you have found someone who makes you smile."
"Thanks Elliot." She patted his shoulder with her hand then headed out the door catching a cab and heading home. It was Tuesday night and she had to find a way to tell him that she was leaving for Denver on Saturday.
The next day passed quickly and before she knew it, it was Thursday night. Olivia sat in the living room floor packing a box as she thought about how to break this to Elliot. There was no way around it, this was going to hurt him. She leaned across the coffee table and picked up her cordless phone dialing his cell number.
"El, hey. Umm, are you still in the city? Good. Is there any way you could come by for a little while. I need to talk to you about something really important. I was thinking I could order a pizza and we could just talk for a little while. Okay, I will see you in a little while."
She felt a knot in her stomach as she hung up the phone and almost wanted to cry dreading his reaction. But she owed it to herself to at least give this a try.
Twenty minutes later Elliot arrived with a pizza and a six pack of beer.
"What's going on?"
Elliot walked around the corner and saw the stack of boxes she had been packing.
"Olivia?"
"Elliot, I need to tell you something and I need you to listen. Don't get angry, just let me finish." She felt the tears already starting to fall from her face.
"I put in for a transfer. It was right after we broke up. I sent in a resume online to a department in Colorado looking for a Senior Detective for their Special Victims Unit. I never dreamed they would be interested in me. I didn't even think I was qualified. But they contacted me for an interview. I flew out there a week and a half ago and that was when I met Jack."
She wiped a tear from her cheek and sniffled.
"I got the job, Elliot. And I have been thinking about it for the last week trying to decide what to do. There are so many reasons for me to go there and try something new, but really only one reason for me to stay. My best friend."
She sat down on the couch and broke down crying.
Elliot sat beside her and wiped tears from her face as he pulled her against him.
"I need this, Elliot. I just need a chance for something new. I have been in this city my entire life. I need a change."
"I know. You have not been happy here for a while. And this mess I got you in to didn't help matters any. I don't want you to go, Liv. But I want you to be happy. I don't know what I will do not seeing you every day, like I have the last eleven years."
She took a deep breath and stood up as she walked across the room and picked up her beer off the counter then headed up to the roof. Somehow things always seemed clearer up there. There was so much she wanted….needed to say to him and she didn't know how.
Olivia sat down on the ledge and looked out across the other roof tops in her neighborhood as Elliot stood beside her.
He laughed a little. "Think of all the conversations we have shared on this roof."
She smiled. "That's not all we shared up here."
Elliot looked into her eyes and she started crying again.
"Hey," he walked to her and hugged her tight. "We are still going to be close, okay? A few stated cannot break apart a friendship like ours."
She looked up at him and nodded.
"When do you go?"
"The movers are coming tomorrow. I am supposed to leave out Saturday. And I start work in Colorado Monday morning."
Elliot wrapped his arms around her as she cried.
"You know Liv, if it is bothering you this much maybe you should just stay."
"No, I want to go. I need to go. I just don't know how I am going to do this without you."
He smiled at her and combed his fingers through her hair.
"You could stay. You still have the apartment and you have not quit this job yet."
"Elliot, I can't stay here and watch while you and Kathy live out my dreams together. I don't want to feel like this, but I do. I have a chance to make a new life for myself and I think I need to take it. For now anyway, I know without a doubt that this is what is best for me. It is just hard to say goodbye."
"We still have tomorrow. What time do you leave Saturday?"
"I have to be out of here by ten at the latest to get there when they deliver my things."
"Okay, so tomorrow night we should all go out for drinks. And Saturday morning, I want to take you out for breakfast."
"I still have so much I need to do, Elliot."
"So I will help you. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt to let you go. But I have two choices here. I can be a jerk about it and waste our last few days together and you go anyway." Elliot slipped his hand into hers and held it. "Or I can help you and make sure our last few days here together before you leave are good ones. Either way I am going to miss you like crazy."
She laughed through her tears as she noticed him tearing up as well.
"But I am still here for you, Liv. I am still your best friend and we will keep in touch, right?"
"Yeah."
They stood up and he hugged her tight. "Olivia, I am so sorry that I ever hurt you. That was never my intention. And I can't tell you how many times I have wondered if I made the right decision that night."
She closed her eyes and Elliot could feel the warm wetness of her tears as they began to soak through his shirt.
"You did, Elliot. You did what was right for you and your family. I know that. I know that you didn't hurt me on purpose and I am not even upset about it anymore. I want you to know that is not why I am doing this. It is hard for me to see you with Kathy, but that really doesn't have anything to do with this either. Bottom line here is for whatever reason, Something inside me needs to get out of here. Away from this city. I need something new. And I think this is it."
"You know if you get out there to Colorado and it isn't all you thought it would be. You always have a place here. Friends, family waiting for you." Elliot reached up and brushed her tears away with his thumb. "I love you, Olivia Benson. You are my best friend and my family and I will love you always, no matter what." He kissed her forehead and hugged her again.
"I love you too, El."
Saturday morning after breakfast Elliot took her back to the apartment to help her load the last few boxes into her car. He closed the trunk and pulled her into his arms holding her there for a few moments. He felt tears on his face as he exhaled and wiped them away.
Olivia exhaled deeply and laughed as she wiped her own tears away.
"Call me when you get there, let me know you made it safe."
"Okay."
Elliot picked her hand up and laced his fingers through hers.
They had promised they would keep in touch, but something inside him felt like he was losing her forever.
He kissed her gently on the forehead as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and she smiled at him. Olivia couldn't speak. Instead she just stared into his eyes and somehow he knew everything she was trying to say. He smiled at her and nodded his head as she nodded hers back to him and climbed into the car.
Elliot watched from the curb as she drove out of town, out of state and out of his life. He couldn't tell her that his heart was breaking watching her go. He had made his choice and let her go. Now she was really gone and he realized how big a mistake he may have made.
