Chapter 17: Trial & Error

~He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth…he pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself…~

The next morning came and, the only reason I knew was because someone had pulled the blinds back and let the sun flood inside of my room. I figure it was either Alice or Esme. I trudged downstairs and into the kitchen where Alice greeted me with a tight hug and led me to the table. Saying that if didn't eat something, she was going to force feed me. After some awkward conversation, they informed me that all were going out for a hunt. I was fine with it. At least I would be alone for about eight hours, without them hovering over me like I was going to hurt myself…again.

"Edward, will you stop looking at me like that…the only thing I'm going to do is sit around and watch movies all day, if that…"

"It's not good for you…"

"I think I can sulk around for one day can't I?" I eyed him.

"I just don't want you to anything you'll regret later on…"

"Yes, I know Edward. But, you don't have to worry about it…" and with that, they were all gone. As much as I loved them all, I just needed today for me…to think about everything that happened the night before. I grabbed a bunch of random old movies before I settled into the couch with a blanket and just lay there and watched it for who knows how long. I wasn't really paying attention to them though. My thoughts were consumed with Jasper. I wondered what he was doing at the moment? I thought he would call me or even show up but no, no sign of him at all. I was mad at him but, I was madder at myself. I hadn't meant to tell him what I did. But, he had no right to tell me what he did either. As long as it took me to realize that I wanted to be with him, you would think he would know that I loved him more than my own life…almost to the point that it drove me crazy. Maybe he thought I wanted space? Maybe time? It would be the logical thing for me to want. To be honest, I wanted nothing more than for his arms to be around me and telling me some lame joke, just for the sake of making me smile. I was about to reach for the phone and just suck it up and call him when the doorbell rang. I jumped at the idea that it was him on the other side.

"I was about to call you…" I smiled as I opened the door but it wasn't Jasper standing there. Nope. It was none other than Jacob…looking a little disappointed as my smile fell.

"I take it he isn't here then?" he just walked inside my house, not even waiting for me to invite him in anything.

"No, but what are you doing here?" I frowned "I mean, I figured you wouldn't want to take any chances in coming back here?"

"Crazy isn't it?" he plopped down on the couch "but, I wanted to make sure that you're okay. Even though I've only known you for a very short time, I still feel quite protective of you." He admitted.

"Why? Why protective of me…" I stopped "Oh, god don't tell me that you…" I panicked. If he was about to tell me that he had imprinted on me too I don't know what I was going to do.

"Calm down doll…no, I didn't imprint on you. I don't know if two people can do that to one person. It wouldn't seem fair. Anyways, I just feel protective of you…I don't really know why. Maybe I'm some secret guardian angel or some crap like that." He smirked.

"Well thanks I guess."

"Has he come back to apologize to you?" he looked around.

"No…I think he thinks I want time to think or something…"

"Pft, what an idiot…he should've by now."

"Why?"

"Um Hello! Because you're his imprint…" he scoffed, folding his arms across his chest.

"Speaking of which…I think what you did last night was very uncalled for. I mean, you say you know how protective people who have imprinted can get…and yet there you were, just flaunting and flirting like no one's business in front of Jasper. What did you think he was going to do? Just sit there and take it all in and be okay with it?"

"It was a test." He stated.

"A what!" I looked at him.

"I wanted to know that he was telling you the truth…that he just didn't make up the whole imprinting thing so you would give him the time of day. But, that moment he threw me down, I knew that he wasn't just some psycho jealous boyfriend…he's the real deal." He shrugged.

"You were willing to put your life on the line…for someone who you barely even know?"

"What can I say? I told you, very protective…in some weird way." He said, so calmly.

"Ugh, this is ridiculous you know that?"

"Can I ask you something?" he said, leaning a little bit more towards me. I just frowned, what was he possibly going to ask me?

"Do you truly love him? I mean, had you ever been in love before this Jasper guy showed up?"

"That's sort of personal question." I smirked. "Very personal…."

"Just answer it."

"Of course I love him…you think I'd be sitting around here all sad if I didn't?"

"What if he hadn't imprinted on you? What then? Would you still love him? Would you have even noticed him in that way?"

"What's the point of all this Jacob? Why are you so interested in my love life?"

"It just seems like you fell in love more out of convenience than anything else. It was like, hey look this guy imprinted on me and he will never love another girl besides me. Let's just make it easy and get together…you never really had a choice."

"I assure you that none of this was easy. And of course I had a choice…I had the choice to want to be with him or not."

"But it was never a choice between two people…will you let me try something really quick?" his deep voice more so demanded than really asking permission. Before I could respond, there was a flush body pressed against mine. It was quite the strangest feeling I assure you. I was so used to cold lips against my warm ones that I was taken aback when the pair currently against mine was even warmer than my own. Everything in my mind was yelling at me to slap him and push away but stupidly, I did nothing. I just sat there. I felt one hand snake around my waist and brought me closer to him while the other hand raised mine and pressed it against his chest…to feel such a strong heartbeat. I'm guessing that this was close I was going to get in terms of kissing an actual human. Warm lips, hands…and heartbeat. Oh, God what was I doing! I was not comparing him to Jasper was I?? No, no! Jasper was the love of my life and Jacob, I didn't even know him!

"Please stop…" I breathed out heavily when his lips finally moved away from mine, only to attach themselves to another area…I tried to push him away from me and I silently cursed him for being so much stronger than I was. It was an unfair advantage. His mind was clearly elsewhere now because it was like I hadn't even spoken. The hand that had placed mine against his chest had now dropped to my leg and I instantly regretted the decision to wear shorts today of all days! It stayed there for a few moments, his touch burning my skin, but it slowly started creeping upwards. I needed to stop him…now. As I sat there thinking of what I could possibly do, I wasn't paying attention to his actions until suddenly I felt that hand roaming over parts that hadn't been touched by anyone before. Enough was enough. I slapped his hand away from me, causing a deep laugh to come out of his lips and he finally pulled away and stared at me.

"Too much?" he asked.

"Get away from me…now…" I said, my teeth clenched together. He instantly backed away, his eyes still staring at me. I could feel the tears coming but I was not about to cry in front of him.

"Aw doll I'm sorry…there's no need to get upset I was just testing you. And, you passed…because you didn't seem to enjoy it as much as I did." He frowned. Oh that was low! I would've loved nothing more than to have slapped him but I knew it would only get me a broken hand or something.

"I didn't enjoy any of that….and what do you mean you were testing me? What kind of person are you Jacob?" I stood up and looked down at him. He was quickly on his feet and towering over me.

"I was just trying to make sure that you truly loved this guy…I know you have never been in love before Natalia. And, I didn't know if you knew what you were doing…this guy just pops into your life and the moment he says he loves you, you fell right into him. I just wanted to make sure it was real…make sure the feeling was mutual I guess. But, you can't say you didn't enjoy it…I mean, don't you ever get sick of those cold hands and lips?" he smirked.

"I swear to God Jacob if hitting you wouldn't cause me so much pain I would have done it by now!" I snapped at him "who do you think you are huh? I don't even know you that well! You can't just suddenly show up and start playing all these sick games with me. I told you before, I love HIM…I will always love him. And not just because he's the first person to have ever said 'I love you' to me because let me tell you, he isn't. And yes, I may be young but I'm not naïve…so you can just stop playing these weird games with me. I passed your stupid test…I think you should leave." My voice cracked every so often as I glared up at him.

"I don't think you want me to really leave do you?" he smiled.

"Get out!" I shut my eyes, trying to calm down by taking deep breaths.

"Whatever you say doll but just remember me when you and Jasper make up and you are kissing him with such passion you didn't know you possessed." He smirked walking towards the door.

"What in world are you talking about? Why would I possibly think of you when….never mind. Answer the question."

"Whether you realize it or not, you enjoyed that little escapade just now….yes, maybe it wasn't for the same reasons that I enjoyed it. But, I know you want someone to hold you and touch you like that. But, in your case, you want him not me obviously. You want someone who loves you to treat you like that….you want him so bad it's not even funny."

"That sounds so…so perverted coming from you." I sighed "So what you're saying is that you did that so I could realize my feelings for Jasper? I already know my feelings for him…so, I don't really see your point of doing this." He just shrugged.

"Maybe I just wanted to kiss you….maybe I just wanted to help you out. Or, maybe it was a combination of the two." He admitted.

"You're sick." I whispered.

"Don't beat yourself too much about it…things are going to work out. I'm sure lover boy will be here any moment now. And he's going to beg and plead for you to forgive him and you will and things will go back to normal for you two…everything is going to be fine." He smiled and I foolishly nodded before he kissed my forehead before walking out of my house. I turned quickly towards the stairs and made my way upstairs and into my bedroom. I grabbed whatever clothes I could find and got into the shower. As soon as the water hit me, I dropped to the ground, everything hitting me at once. The sobs that attacked my body were ten times worse than the ones last night.

"I cheated…" I whispered. I admit, I had never been in such a serious relationship before but being unfaithful seemed like something that was unforgivable. Even though he had said it meant nothing, it was just some stupid test but, what did that matter? What would Jasper say? Should I tell him? Of course I had to tell him…being a liar would only make things worse.

When I got out of the shower, my eyes were all red as I stared at my reflection in the mirror as I got dressed and combed my hair. I slipped on another pair of shorts and a sweatshirt and walked out to my bedroom, sobs still escaping my lips quietly. As I looked up to my bed, my heart dropped. There, sitting on the edge of my bed…was Jasper. Of course he would pick right now to show up! I froze in place. I didn't dare walk closer to him. He didn't make an attempt to move either.

"How long have you been here?" I whispered. He looked at the clock on my dresser and looked back at me.

"About forty five minutes." He said, his voice emotionless. Oh, god…no, no…that would mean that he was here when Jacob was here! "I slid out your window when I heard you coming upstairs…but I came right back in."

"You were here that whole time." I was shocked. "Why didn't you come down there and help me Jasper…" he looked at me funny before I continued "Why did you let him do that to me…just let him touch me like that…why didn't you stop him. You know he is much stronger than I am."

"I didn't let him do anything…I wanted to see what you would do. So, if anything, YOU let him touch you like that, not me. Believe me, I desperately wanted to go down those stairs…the moment I felt those waves of lust…I wanted to see who it was coming from. I wanted to see your face. But, I stopped myself because it would only cause me more pain…"

"I swear Jasper, I felt nothing of the sort…I kept trying to get him to stop but he wouldn't stop. He was in too deep in his sick game to listen to me…"

"Yes, the game. Tell me Natalia, did you get anything out of his little experiment." He asked, still sitting on the edge of my bed and it was then I noticed her was twirling my promise ring on his finger waiting for my answer.

"Can't you feel what I'm going through right now? I'm literally disgusted with myself. I can't believe he would play some sort of twisted game with me just for the sake me realizing my feelings for you…I really don't know what is with Jacob…"

"What did it feel like?" he cut me off "tell me exactly what it felt like to have him against you? Is it something you long for? Something you'd rather have….then me?"

"Are you serious Jasper?" I inched closer to him "you want to know what it felt like?? I'll tell you then. It was a warm and odd feeling. But, I in no way enjoyed it. I literally felt like I was being violated somehow…why would you even ask me that?"

"I told you from the start Natalia, you will always have the freedom to be with whoever you want…as much as I do not like that Jacob character, he was right about one thing. I never really gave you a chance…I sort of staked my claim on you way before you ever fell in love with me. Maybe that was a mistake…" he trailed off and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"What…I had plenty of chances Jasper. Plenty of times I could've decided that I wanted nothing to do with you. But, I don't want that…I love you, not anyone else in this world…I'm so sorry Jasper…I never meant for it to happen!" I said, tears falling down my face. How was he ever going to forgive me for what I've done? The very thought made me drop to the ground, my face buried in my hands, mumbling incoherently. After a few minutes, I felt Jasper slip off the bed and down to the ground in front of me. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me intently. But, for once, it wasn't his eyes that scared me, it was his erratic breathing. The type of breathing a person does when their concentrating too hard…when they're fighting with themselves over two choices.

"Give me your hand." He said and I instantly complied. I gave it to him and he turned it so that my palm was facing upright. He silently placed my ring in my hand and closed it around it.

"You've left me no choice…" he whispered before he stood up and walked towards the window.

No! Where was he going?? And then, the words just slipped out of my mouth.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I looked up at him my face I'm sure a mess of tears and red eyes. He didn't say anything, he just gave me one last look. A look that reflected confusion, betrayal and maybe even love before he slipped out of the window… away from me. Away from us.

"What have I done?" I cried, clutching my ring towards me chest, letting every single emotion through me. "I'm so sorry Jasper…" I repeated over and over again until finally I succumbed to exhaustion. My heart and mind were in too much pain to comprehend everything that had happened.

I finally realized something….all this time I simply assumed Jasper would always be there. That he would never leave because he was bound to me somehow.

I had taken advantage of his love for me…how was I going to fix this??

I worked so hard on this chapter! I actually re-wrote it halfway thru. Because, I didn't want Jasper to be all calm about what happened…that seemed boring.

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~Chel