I got amazing reviews for the last chapter! lol. Hope you enjoy this one!
Chapter 18: Broken
~Keep me safe inside. Your arms like towers, tower over me. 'Cause we are broken. What must we do to restore our innocence? And oh, the promise we adored?~
Alice was the one who found me on the floor in my bedroom when they all returned. She knew she would be the only I would let near me at the moment. She helped me up and sat me on my bed and pulled a chair up beside the bed and just sat there, not saying anything for awhile.
"Why didn't you tell me they were coming Alice?" I mumbled. I didn't blame her for what happened, I just wanted to know why she didn't warn me.
"I knew Jasper would be coming over to talk to you…that's why I suggested we left when we did. But Jacob…I cannot see him in any of my visions. It's like he has the ability to block them or something. I'm so sorry." She placed her hand on mine.
"It's okay Alice. It's not your fault…I'm the one who messed everything up. I can only blame myself." I whispered. She stayed with me all night, even after I had fallen asleep. I could vaguely hear everyone else come in and out all the next day. I had no strength to get up and do anything. I just slept through it all, my heart still in tremendous pain.
When Monday rolled around, everyone was surprised when I trudged down the stairs as Edward and Alice were getting ready to leave. They all tried to convince me to stay at home. I just brushed them off. Staying at home meant I was weak…staying at home meant I wouldn't see Jasper in nearly all of my classes. They reluctantly let me go. But, when we got there, only Rosalie and Bella were there, waiting in their usual spot. Without words, my brother went to Bella and they just walked off, having a conversation through their thoughts. Rosalie offered me a small smile as she and Alice walked with me to my class.
Jasper wasn't there…when they called his name, no one replied. I could feel people looking at me but I didn't look back.
He didn't show up to our next two classes either.
When it was time for lunch, there was only five instead of six. People were whispering as I walked passed them with Alice at my side.
"Fools." She smirked as we sat down. No one really said anything. Honestly, what could they possibly say? I was afraid to look at Bella or Rosalie. They were Jasper's sisters, they probably hated me now. Alice sat beside me and Edward sat across from us, between Bella and Rosalie. Almost like he had to side with Bella or there'd be hell to pay.
"Natalia, you need to eat something…you ate practically nothing this weekend." Alice whispered, pushing the food closer to me but it just made me nauseous.
"I wonder what happened? Where is that Jasper guy? Natalia looks like someone just punched her in the face…" were the loud whispers from across the lunch room. Every time they said something, his name, anything…my heart acted strangely. I just stared out in front of me, a look of nothing on my face.
"Can you please control your emotions Natalia? People are starting to stare at us…" I glared at my brother quickly before getting up from my seat, tears spilling down my face.
"Control my emotions huh? Believe me, I wish I could…" I whispered harshly before leaving the table. Control my emotions? That was only something…something that only Jasper could do for me whenever I was upset. If only his hand was there right now for me to hold onto, I wouldn't be feeling this pain. My next two classes were a blur. I had my government class with Bella to which she actually apologized for Edward's behavior, calling it "immature and stupid of him." For once, I agreed with her. My last class, English, was endured with agony. We were still working on our class projects and naturally, Jasper had been my partner. But, he wasn't there today…so I had to work all alone.
I didn't care about any of my homework when I got home. I just went upstairs, took a shower and went to bed. Tomorrow had to be better right? Surely he would come back?
My wish didn't come true. No, he didn't come back and no it wasn't any easier. Nearly all my teachers knew where he was. If he was ill or something? I just shrugged and told them I didn't know. Which, this was true.
Wednesday and Thursday passed in the exact same way. I didn't cry though at school. I just didn't talk to anyone and stared off into space in my classes. I did whatever homework I was assigned and turned it in, because as much I hated being there right now, I knew school was a priority.
When I returned Friday home from school, there was a note on the fridge saying that Carlisle was working late and Esme was off in the city buying some new piece of furniture. Edward and Alice were with Bella, Rosalie and probably Emmett doing who knows what. I wonder if Jasper was there. Did they talk to him? Did he talk to them? Was he just ignoring me?
I figured it'd be best if I just ate something. I pulled out the bowl of pasta I'm sure Esme had made for me before she left and heated some of it up in the microwave. I went to grab a plate from the dish rack but it was still a little slippery and it slipped out of my hands and landed with a loud crash on the kitchen floor, shattering into small pieces.
"Oh great…" I smirked, bending down to pick up the small pieces without really thinking about it.
"Oww.." I hissed, feeling one of the pieces pierce my skin slightly. I looked at my hand and for one stupid moment, I closed my hand around and frowned when it pierced deeper and deeper. For the first time in almost a week, I felt something. Something dull and painful but it was something right? A few minutes passed like that as I sat on the floor, clutching the stupid piece of glass in my hand as tight as I could until I could see and feel the blood seep down my hand. I barely registered the sound of the door opening and hearing Edward yell my name. He found me soon enough and dropped to my side in an instant.
"Have you completely lost your mind??" Edward hissed, opening my hand, making me drop the shard of glass. In his eyes though, I saw fear. I just shrugged and he picked me up like I was a child and carried me into the bathroom and set me on the edge of the bathtub. He grabbed a first aid kit out from under the sink and began taking things out. Since when did vampires have first aid kits??
"Give me your hand." He said calmly and I froze.
"What did you say?" I stared at him wide eyed. For a moment, it wasn't Edward I was looking at…it was Jasper. I must have lost more blood than I thought. Was I going crazy?
"It's just me Natalia…give me your hand." He spoke, reading my thoughts. "and it doesn't help that you haven't eaten hardly anything this past week. I think that's why you're so delusional." He placed the medicine on the cut and I winced as a sharp stinging sensation going thru my body. I watched him. I remembered how he said he had a medical degree from a long time ago. Though, I don't think one needs a medical degree to clean a cut.
"It doesn't bother you? The smell of my blood?" I looked up at him as he began to bandage it up. He just laughed at that question.
"You are my sister Natalia. I do not think your scent will ever bother me. It did when you first moved in with us but, I've grown quite used to it."
"Good thing Jasper isn't here right? Who knows how would react?" I shrugged and Edward stood and helped me up. I didn't need to say anything else. He could read my mind. I wanted to Jasper to be there. Tears welled in my eyes as my brother helped me upstairs.
"I'm going to fix you something to eat okay?" he said. I think he was just looking for an excuse to leave the room. I was probably freaking him out. I was making no sense whatsoever. I just nodded and pulled my knees up to my chest and just sat there, waiting for something to happen.
That night…when Carlisle came home, he gave me anti-depressant medication. I took them without arguing. I needed any help I could get…I needed to try and figure out a way to fix this situation I had put myself in. I needed to get my head back on straight.
That night…when everyone thought I was asleep, they were all talking about me again. Alice and Esme of course were defending me as much as possible.
"She's just having a really hard time with this Carlisle…she fell in love so hard with that boy." I could hear the sadness in her voice.
"He still loves her you guys…nothing I've seen has made me doubt that part."
"Well what should we do? She has been acting like a zombie this past week…I think we should get her some help." Edward said.
"You are not sending her to a hospital…I won't let that happen." Alice hissed at him. That was a sore spot with her. She had been there, she knew what it was like. She didn't want me to be treated like they had treated her.
"And what do you suggest we do miss psychic? How long is my sister going to be in this state?" he snapped back at her.
"I don't know." She admitted after a few moments "he hasn't made the decision quite yet…his future is a little all over the place."
"Oh this is perfect…I told her not to be with him…I knew something like this would happen…she is falling to pieces again over him." He growled.
"Control yourself Edward…we can't have Natalia seeing you so upset, it'll only make her worse." Carlisle spoke softly but sternly.
And then, there was a knock on the door. I instantly sat up. How would be at our home at this hour?
"Emmett, what are you doing here so late?" I heard Alice ask her brother.
"I had to come while she was sleeping…" his big voice trying to be as quiet as possible.
"What is it Emmett? Why do you look so serious?" Alice said and I could hear her frown. Emmett was never serious. He was always so happy and playful. That wasn't a good sign. The next two words out of his mouth were like a slap to the face.
"He left." He said quietly but I still heard him.
"What? When? Why?" Alice bombarded him with questions.
"Not more than fifteen minutes ago…it was a sudden choice Alice. He knew you would foresee it if he planned it out so he waited until the very last minute so you wouldn't try and stop him."
"Where did he go?" she sighed.
"He didn't tell us. He didn't even tell Bella or Rosalie that he was leaving. The only reason he told me was because I threatened him…he's only talked to me. But, he wouldn't tell me exactly where…he said it's all in this…" he said. In what??
"What am I going to do with this?" Alice smirked.
"It's not for you Alice…it's for Natalia…he asked me to give it her tomorrow but, I couldn't wait…maybe by her having this she will start to feel better." He offered.
"Or worse…who knows what's in here."
"I better get going now. I told the girls I was coming here to check on you Alice, they by now have figured out that he's left…and they're going to kill me when they find out I knew all along."
"Alright then…we speak later." I heard him walk and they shut the door.
"Should I take it to her now?" Alice asked.
"No." Edward said "she's had already a hard enough of a day….give it to her in the morning…hopefully those pills Carlisle gave her will help her feel better."
"Fine." She mumbled.
What had he left for me? I had to fight myself from getting up right then and just walking downstairs to get whatever it was. But, they would know that I had been listening to them again…so, I just settled back into my restless sleep.
The next morning, I awoke and found everyone sitting around in my room. I sat up and eyed them.
"What's wrong?" I tried to play it off cool…trying hard to think about what I heard last night.
"How do you feel?" Carlisle stepped forward and placed his hand on my forehead.
"Alirght I guess. Those pills helped me sleep…that's all." I shrugged.
"Oh just tell give it her already Alice." Edward threw his hands up.
"Give me what?" I pretended to be intrigued. I was to a certain extent. I didn't know just what Emmett had given her.
"Emmett stopped by last night when you were sleeping…" Alice began "and, he brought something that Jasper left for you." Ouch. The moment she said the word 'left' I felt my heart starting to ache again.
"Left?" I whispered "Why did he leave? What did Emmett bring?" that was the more important question at the moment.
"It's a letter…I wanted to give it to you last night, but they thought it was better if you rested somewhat before you read. We can leave you alone if you wish…" she said. Which, that meant she already knew what the letter said. I don't know how she did but she knew…and she had probably told everyone else. She handed it over to me and I looked at it for a few moments, my name written so delicately on the envelope.
"We'll be downstairs." She said and they left the room. I was so scared to open it. What had he written in there? Why did Alice and everyone look a little upset…it was now or never. I opened it gently and sat up in my bed and began reading it. I had barely gotten to "My Dearest Natalia.." before I started crying. I continued reading…I needed to know what was going on.
My Dearest Natalia,
I do not know why I even writing this. We have never had a problem sharing our thoughts and emotions with one another.
I am leaving Natalia. I have asked Emmett to give you this letter the following day. Though, knowing him, he'll probably bring it to you as soon as I leave. I cannot tell you where I am going for I am not sure exactly where it is I am going.
Please know that I am not leaving because I hate you. Please don't think I'm deserting you. Please don't think I'm doing this for your sake…that it'll be better if I leave. It is for none of these things. I just need to get away from this town for awhile…I need to think about numerous things.
One thing I know you know already is that I am upset. I will admit that yes, I am upset with you but, I am also upset with myself. Probably more than you will ever know. I hate knowing that I'm upset with you. But, you really left me no choice…I have to be upset. It just wouldn't be normal for me to just accept it like it never happened.
The moment I saw you that afternoon when you came upstairs into your bedroom, my eyes instantly focused on that mark HE had left on you. I cannot tell you the insane amount of jealously I felt. It shouldn't have been him that did it to you.
I knew that imprinting on you wouldn't be easy. I knew we would have our rough patches over time but, I didn't think it was going to be so hard.
I love you more than my existence Natalia, please understand that. I will always love you…which is why I had to leave. Because I perhaps love you TOO much. I never gave you the proper chance to take the time to fall in love on your own time. I told you my feelings for you way before I should have. It sounds selfish but, I want you to belong to me, and only me.
When he kissed you, I wanted to go down there and rip him to shreds…you shouldn't have let it happen Natalia. I think a part of me began to wonder if you wanted someone, or something different? Something that I cannot give you perhaps?
I don't want to leave but I know it's the only way. I want to give you some time to think…think about what you truly want without me at your side. If you choose something else, I will accept it. If you choose to be with me, I will never leave your side…
I do not know when I will return…my hope that it will not be too long.
Forever yours,
Jasper.
"Oh God." I sobbed. He was leaving because of me? He was in this pain because of me! He felt like I wanted something else, someone other than him. That couldn't be any further from the truth. Sure, maybe we jumped into things a little too fast in the beginning but now…now I was so sure I wanted him to be with forever…however long my forever would last.
Clutching the letter in my hand, I ran down the stairs, literally almost smashing my face when I tripped. Edward had caught me though…a worried look on his face.
"What is it?" he asked, helping me stand back up.
"I need to talk to Alice. Where is she…oh God Edward let me go!" I pushed against him and he let me go and I ran into the living room where Alice was. She was up in an instant, looking at me.
"Alice what does this mean??" I waved the sheet of paper in front of her face. She couldn't answer me, she just stared at me, sympathy in her eyes and I felt whatever little hope I had suddenly vanish.
"Natalia, I'm sorry...I don't know when he's coming back…if he's coming back." She clarified.
"What do you mean if? No, no he has to come back to me…I have to make this right!" I rambled.
"He needs time to heal…once he's done that, he'll for sure come back to your sweetie." Esme was suddenly at my side, trying to soothe me.
"What about me? I cannot live without him…"
"Yes, yes you can….do not even begin to think like that Natalia." Edward said from his spot in the room. "You simply cannot give up hope Natalia…if you stay strong and keep believing he'll come back…then he will."
"You guys don't understand…I caused this pain. I need to tell him how sorry I am. How it didn't mean anything…how he is the only one I want." I said, my voice starting to tremble.
"He knows all of that…he just needs to be alone." Alice spoke quietly and I glared at her.
"He cannot just leave me here alone Alice!" I yelled at her. I dropped the letter as I felt like someone was stepping on my chest, cutting off any form of air I had. I was having a panic attack again.
"I wish there was a way I could help…I can't see what'll happen…" she sighed.
That night…that's when I lost it.
I acted out in a way I shouldn't have.
Carlisle, his eyes full of sadness, had to give me a shot….to stop me from causing more damage to myself.
Edward, although still upset with me, stayed by my side that night…not saying much, just sitting there, watching over me.
Alice, overcome with guilt, did not come into my room….she didn't want me to lash out at her again.
Esme, after controlling her emotions, came into the room for some time and sat beside me on the bed.
"My sweet girl…everything is going to be okay." She whispered, moving my matted hair away from my face.
They were all treating me as if I was a child. And honestly, I wished I was. Everything was so innocent and uncomplicated back then…I wanted to go back in time…I wanted to stay in a time of happiness, not this incredible pain and feeling of sadness I was feeling.
For the second straight weekend in a row, I remained in my room…not really all there. I hadn't lashed out at anyone but that was only because Carlisle kept giving me medication to keep me calm. I didn't go to school that week, it would have been too rough. So, I stayed in my room, someone always there with me. Usually it was Esme during the day and Edward and Alice in the afternoon and evenings. Once or twice, Emmett came, trying to cheer me up…it didn't really work. Rosalie and Bella didn't show up. I think I heard them say that I would probably get too upset if I saw them. They would remind me of him.
On one of the nights when it was just me and Edward in the bedroom, I rolled over to face him, my eyes staring at him. I tried to smile but it didn't happen. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. I did the second best thing I could to communicate with my brother.
I just want Jasper… were my thoughts to him. He immediately sat up. I hadn't spoken to anyone. I wasn't speaking now at the moment but, it was better than nothing.
"I know Natalia…but, we need to get you strong again."
I feel so…so broken Edward. Like someone took a piece of my heart from me…should I be feeling such things?
"You're in love Natalia…the love you and Jasper have is very powerful. But, that is also a downfall…because when you two hurt, you're going to hurt very badly…that is why you need to let you help you."
How can I when I feel this way? I desperately want to be strong again. But, I can't help but miss him terribly. You cannot imagine the type of guilt I'm carrying around with me…and only when he returns will I be able to truly tell him what he means to me.
"We all have some sort of guilt when it comes to things. Things we've done or choices we've made. We just have to keep living Natalia. It is what you must do. He will come back to you or might not. But, it's something you will eventually have to face. Not now though. Just keep working on being strong…you have so much to live for. So many people who love you. In even in his absence, you know that he still loves you…he will never stop and you will never stop loving him. Perhaps your love for one another is what will eventually bring you two back together."
And then, just like that, the hope that had deserted me….started slowing coming back to me.
I didn't feel like such a hopeless fool who had screwed everything up and who would never be forgiven.
"Thank you Edward." I choked out, my voice strained from not talking the past week. His eyes flashed with what looked like excitement. He kissed my hand gently before laying his head on the bed beside my hands.
"My little sister…" he whispered "you're coming back to us…" he smiled.
I smiled too, for the first time in what felt like forever.
"He will come back to me." I whispered. I knew he had to.
Neither of us could live without the other. We were addicted to one another…
That night, I started focusing on the positive. I needed to be stronger. I couldn't just let me life wilt away.
In the back of my mind though, I knew that I would never be on hundred percent better until Jasper was back…his arms of safety around me again and knowing that he had truly forgiven me for every ounce of pain I caused him.
I, after all, was already forever his…as simple and innocently as that.
Time would only tell when he would return…and I was willing to wait for him…but I was going to keep my life going…even jasper knew it's what I had to do.
There was a lot going on in this chapter I know! I do hope you guys enjoyed it!! Lots of emotions!
Review and I'll give you a preview!
~CHel
