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Chapter 19: Finding Strength
~The way is dark, the road is steep. But he's become my eyes to see. The strength to climb, my griefs to bear. The savior lives inside me there."
Time would only tell when he would return…and I was willing to wait for him…but I was going to keep my life going…even Jasper knew it's what I had to do.
It had been a month since I last saw Jasper. I had returned after my week of being out from school. The first few days were tough. Especially when everyone was looking at me oddly. They knew something had happened. They knew Jasper was gone. No one dared asked me though, for fear that I might freak out on them. Edward kept a close eye on me even though Alice told him to not. On the outside, I looked okay but on the inside, my heart was still aching…hard. I was still taking the pills that Carlisle gave me and they helped me somewhat. But, modern medicine can only do so much to help mend a broken heart. It was the first week of December now…and school was definitely keeping my mind off of things. In the past month, I had applied to exactly four different universities…praying that one of them would take me in. It was why I need to focus in school, to get the grades I needed to be on my way. Edward tried to convince me to apply to some Ivy League school…I just laughed at him. He might be brilliant but I'm not. Well actually, there was something I paid particular attention to when I applied to these schools. No one seemed to catch on to the fact that all the schools I applied to had very extensive and good night courses…because deep down, I had a small glimmer of hope that maybe…just maybe…Jasper & I would be able to go to school together in the fall. Which meant, he would have to come back to me soon…we had so much to do still…
"Are you ready Natalia?" Edward knocked on my door, causing me to jump somewhat out of my thoughts. I looked at the clock confused.
"Edward, it's only seven thirty…it doesn't take us that long to get there." I opened the door and walked out into the hallway.
"Yes, but it snowed even more last night…and it might take even us a little longer to get there." He explained as we walked down the stairs. Alice was standing there, holding out a granola bar, a bottle of water and a pill.
"Thanks." I took the pill and opened the granola bar. She had been watching me when it came to eating lately. With the pills I was still taking, I could get sick if I didn't eat anything.
"Have a good day." Esme kissed my forehead before we left. Lately, she had been more affectionate with me. I had probably freaked her out…so I just her do it.
"They should just cancel school…it's not safe for people to be traveling in all this snow." I stared out the window as we approached the school. I didn't really feel like being there today. It was Friday after all. And, the snow reminded me a lot about Jasper.
Last December, when the first snow covered the ground and everything else, Jasper had came to my house to wake me up, just so I could see it. We had spent the rest of the night, just staring out the window. I smiled slightly as I thought about how I had been wrapped up in a blanket and how Jasper just sat there, arms around me, in just a long sleeve buttoned shirt.
I saw my brother smile a little as he got drift of my thoughts. It was just an innocent moment between us. But I treasured it tremendously. Even if it made my pain rise just a little this morning.
"I think they're used to it Natalia…just like all the rain and nature." Edward laughed slightly and pulled into the parking spot. We met up with Rosalie and Bella as usual. It was much easier being around them now. At first, it was so hard on all of us I think. People didn't want to say the wrong thing or accidently snap at someone. But, the way we got around it…as mean as it sounds, we just didn't talk about Jasper that much. He was sort of a topic we just didn't bring up. Of course, he was never far from my mind.
Today was relatively normal. In about two weeks, we would be having finals again. Edward and Alice already promised me they'd help me study. More like drill the information into my head until I could recite it in my sleep. Oh, well…passing these tests would only help me.
It was looking more and more that my preparations for finals were going to be like last year's…without jasper at my side. Though this time, it would be for different reasons.
As we were leaving school though, something happened. Something very simple and yet, it almost knocked down all the strength that I had worked on this past month.
As I walked with Alice to meet my brother, I saw from the corner of my eye, someone walking towards us. Alice's face went blank for a moment before she looked up at Edward and held her hand up to him.
"She can handle it." She spoke quickly as she walked away. Handle what?
"Um, hey Natalia.." a voice called from behind and I turned to see one of the boys from my classes. What was his name again?? Oh, yea…Jared.
"Hey Jared. What's going on?" I smiled slightly.
"Well, I wanted to ask you…before you know, someone else did." He stammered. I had a feeling where this was going.
"Um, okay…shoot."
"I was wondering…if well maybe…maybe you would go to the winter dance with me. You know the one in January?" I stared at him for a few moments. It sounded like fun but, I didn't really want to go anywhere. Oh, man…what was I going to tell him? I supposed I could say I'd be away that weekend visiting some family members. No, I didn't want to lie to him. He was a nice guy and didn't deserve me lying to him.
"Well…I don't know. I don't think I can." I said, trying to be as nice as possible.
"Is it me?" he looked sincerely hurt that I had just rejected him. Fantastic…
"No, no…you are a really nice guy Jared. It's just…I just can't right now."
"But we'd only be going as friends…that's all."
"I know." I shrugged. He wasn't making things very easy was he?
"Are you still hung up on that Jasper guy? From what I hear, he's the one that left you…"
Somewhere deep down…my heart began aching again.
"Look…" I glared at him, trying to act mad but my voice was shaking. "You really are a nice guy Jared and I don't want a reason to hate you so, can you please just drop it? I don't appreciate you talking about the person who I love more than anything like that. He didn't leave me…" I trailed off. Well, actually he did. Oh yes, he did leave me thanks for bringing that up! "I don't need to explain myself to you…if I say I can't go, then there's a reason behind it…"
"Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me?" he suddenly smiled. God, boys were so complicated!
"I doubt it…but on the off chance I do, I'll come look for you okay?"
"Deal. Have a good weekend!" he called before walking to his car.
"Impressive." Bella smiled at me and everyone glared at her and she just shrugged. She was trying to be nice was all.
"Thanks…can we just go home now." I whispered, getting into the car. I placed my head against the window as we drove away and back home. I took deep breaths, trying to calm down…trying to think of something that would help return my strength. I thought of something.
That day when we were walking down the hall at school, at he told me about how there were some people who "eyeballed" me. And how he had pulled my hand, bringing me closer to him.
He would hold my hand again like that…it was just a matter of time.
Little things like that helped me get through all of this one day at a time.
"Don't worry Natalia, you handled that very well…I saw you would." Alice comforted me as we walked into the house.
"Yea, but Alice." I turned and faced her "he was right…Jasper did leave me…"
"He'll come back eventually…time will only…" her voice stopped and she got that glazed look on her face. Which, that only meant one thing. I stood and watched her. It would've been rude of me just to leave her standing there.
When she snapped out of it…she stared at me…and it looked like she was debating with herself. Like, she wanted to tell me what she saw, but another part of her told her no.
"What is it Alice? Did you see something bad? That Jared guy isn't going to get in a car accident or anything is he?" I began to panic. I would feel so bad if that happened.
"No, no…it's not about him…it was about Jas…"
"Jasper.." I cut her off. "What about him?" I pleaded with her.
"I don't know Natalia…you remember the last few visions I had about him…" she reminded me. She was right. Three times she had a vision of Jasper coming back to town but, at the last minute, he changed his path again and headed in an opposite direction of her. I'm sure she had seen more but she didn't want to keep getting my hopes up I guess.
"Tell me Alice. Please?" I looked at her…any information she gave me would be nice. Just to know something, anything. Unless…unless something was wrong.
"He's not hurt is he?" she just laughed at that. "Right…well you know what I mean." I corrected myself.
"He's not hurt…" she began and we were cut off with the doorbell. I looked up at her for a quick second and she shook her head.
"That isn't him I'm afraid.." I frowned and walked to the door.
"What are you doing here?" I sighed, opening the door fully, letting Jacob walk into my house.
"That wasn't a very nice greeting." He smiled.
"Well, last time you were here…things didn't have a very good turnout." I told him and instantly regretted it. He didn't know that Jasper had been here, and that he had left….
"Why? What happened?" he instantly went into some sort of protector mode as he dragged the truth out of me.
"Oh Jesus Natalia, I'm so sorry…if I would've known he was going to react that way, I never would've done it."
"There's nothing you can do about it now." I shrugged, sitting on the couch across from him. Alice was in the kitchen, but she was keeping a close eye on us. I'm sure Edward was just fuming upstairs. "But, I just keep hoping that he's going to come back. Alice has seen him a few times coming back…but, he ends up changing his mind at the last minute."
"And, you don't hate me?"
"Oddly, no…even though he left me here, and I pretty much had a breakdown, no I still don't hate you even though I should. I guess I'm too nice for my own good I suppose."
"So, you've just waiting around here…"
"No, well yea at first I wasn't in a very good state. But, my family helped me snap out of that after about two weeks…it was so hard though. It's still hard…not until he's back with me will I feel completely better. But, Alice and Edward have been helping me every day."
"I knew there was a reason why I felt the need to come down here." He stated.
"What?"
"To help you of course…I owe it to you Natalia. Anything you need me to do, consider it done."
"Jacob, I know I said that I didn't hate you but, I am still mad at you. Let's not forget all that you did. You pretty much turned my life upside down. Not that you meant it of course…but, what you did to me…that, I will need a while to forgive you completely for. It was sort of disturbing…" I sighed.
"Really? I thought it was pretty nice."
"Yea, maybe if we were dating…or the both of us were single…you sort of took advantage of me. I'm not strong like you are…"
"I know. And, really if I could take it back, I don't know if I would. But, the pain I caused you…that I really wish I could erase. Do you think maybe we can start over and just be plain friends? Or at the very least, will you let me come see you from time to time. I still get those stupid urges of protection and then you suddenly pop into my mind."
"Stupid urges huh?" I laughed slightly "Perhaps. But, maybe…maybe I can meet you in your other form I guess? You seem less likely to attack me when you're that way." I smirked.
"If that what it takes…then I guess I'm willing to do it that way sometimes…"
"Okay, good…thanks for actually listening to me."
"Sure why not. Well, I better get going…I just wanted to check on you, make sure you were okay. But, it seems like your lee…vampire family is doing a good job at making sure you're okay."
"Thanks for coming by and I promise that when jasper…"I took a deep breath when I said his name. Jacob just looked at me funny, looking like he wanted to laugh but caught himself. "When jasper comes back…" I continued "you two are going to have a talk. Especially if you plan on popping in my life every now and then. It'll be up to you to convince him that your intentions are strictly friendship or whatever…"
"I think I can handle that. You know…the way you were just talking about him, it's like you're so sure that he's coming back…"
"I have to. I find strength in just thinking about him sometimes…because, when it comes down to it, I love him and he loves me…simple as that. Things just got a little complicated…" I frowned. "I have to hold out hope…"
"Well, I'm sure he'll be coming back sometime soon. Imprinters rarely can stay more than a few days away from the one they imprinted on. So, he must be putting himself through hell being away from you…" he walked to the door and opened it "I'll see you around Natalia." He waved, probably thinking a hug would be too much.
After he left, I just stood there…I hadn't thought about it like that before.
I knew that this had to be hard on him like it was on me.
But, I'm not the one who imprinted…it was Jasper. His whole life seemed to revolve around me (according to him). This had to be killing him right?
It made me believe even more now that he was coming back…oh! Alice's vision! I ran back into the living room and she was already standing there, waiting for me.
"Alice, you never told me what you saw…" I looked at her and her face was blank again.
"Oh I swear…" she hissed when she came back to reality "In the past twenty minutes, he has changed his mind like five times."
"Oh." I mumbled. He wasn't coming back just yet.
"No, Natalia…at the moment, he's coming back.." she stared at me.
"He's what!"
"He was, then he wasn't…and then he was just roaming around. But, if he keeps his track on the same path…he'll be showing up in a few days, maybe a week or two. I don't know exactly where he is. The place isn't really familiar to me and I don't see anything that would indicate…"
"Alice he's coming back!" I wrapped my arms around her. She patted my back gently before pulling away from me. When I let her go, I saw Edward standing at the bottom of the stairs.
"Yes, it seems he is." She said and it was like she wasn't telling me the whole vision.
"Was there anything else you saw Alice?"
"No, I'm afraid not…I'll keep you updated though." She walked away from me and to Edward but the two of them didn't say anything. She was just looking at him as she walked upstairs and his eyes grew a little darker, but out of worry I think. Worry for who I didn't know.
"He's coming back to me Edward." I smiled at my brother and he nodded, smiling a tight smile.
"Let's hope for the best Natalia." He joined me in the living room, setting a pile of papers on the table. "Let's get started on the science lab we have for Monday shall we?" he said. I felt like he was trying to distract me.
Like I didn't see how weird Alice and him were acting just now.
"What? Come on Edward it's Friday!"
"Or we can always fill out more college applications online."
"I already applied to school…and I swear Edward, if I get some horrible rejection letter from Harvard…" I rolled my eyes. It would be something Edward would do. Apply to school on my behalf only to have me not get in.
"Homework it is. Come on." He wrapped and arm around my shoulder and led me to our homework.
"Everything is going to be okay right?" I looked over at him. He didn't answer me for a few moments.
"I hope so." Was all he said after his pause in thought.
He hoped so? What had Alice seen in addition to Jasper coming back?
But, Jasper would be coming back. This time, I was so sure of it.
Our one month apart had been like a few years in my mind. I was sure it would be like ages in Jasper's mind.
He had promised me in the letter he wrote me that if when he came back and I chose to be with him, he would never leave my side.
I was going to make him live up to that promise.
The love we had was truly something amazing to me. All this time, I had been finding strength in the mere thought of the two us being together, being in love…
My love was coming back to me…I don't know exactly when…but, sometime soon.
When he came back, I was going to remind him that I was his Natalia and he was my Jasper. Nothing or no one would ever tear us apart.
What else did Alice see?? When is Jasper coming back??
A review will give you a small hint to those two questions.
~Chel
