Chapter 7
"Magnus?"
She turned, startled. "Will? I thought you had rounds this evening."
"I shuffled some appointments around," he explained, holding out a wrap. "Wanted to see how you're holding up."
She gave him a grateful smile, accepting the blanket and pulling it around her shoulders. It was a chilly night and the roof of the North Tower was always windy which just made it worse. Trust Will to think of bringing her a blanket. She wasn't remotely surprised when he proffered a thermos as well.
"Bless you, Will," she murmured, accepting it. "I'd invite you to join me but I daresay I'd be terrible company."
"That would be a first," he answered, moving past her to lean against a parapet, folding his arms over his chest and watching her with that thoughtful look of his.
She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I suppose this is the part where you ask me how I feel?"
"Hadn't planned on it. I know how I'd feel if it were my daughter and my life's work." He shook his head. "I'm not here to pry. I'm here to remind you that you aren't alone."
"I appreciate the sentiment, Will, but sometimes a soul needs some time alone."
"That I'll buy, but I don't think this is one of those times."
She narrowed her eyes. "Your skills at those things aside, I didn't hire you to profile or analyze me, Will."
"I know you didn't," he sighed, shaking his head. "But I like to think that we're friends, too, and that means I'm allowed to worry."
"Worry if you want," she answered, more brusquely than she intended. "Just don't make the mistake of assuming you know my mind."
"I'm many things but an idiot isn't one of them, Magnus. I get that there are parts of you that I'll never be privy to and, for the most part, I'm fine with that. But, right now, I think you need to accept that you aren't at your best and you probably need some help getting through this."
Part of her wanted to concede this, to lean against the parapet and weep until her heart broke the rest of the way and her pain stopped in consequence. The rest of her had spent more than a century and a quarter hardening itself against any admission to having regular human weaknesses.
It's wasn't just pride, either. Not even mostly pride. Too many people relied on her, too many things were hers to shape, events to cause or prevent, history to change. But it was mostly the people. Almost a hundred years ago, James, rest his soul, had joking dubbed her mater familias to the entire Sanctuary. She couldn't deny it, either. Her 'children' and her 'family' loved and honored her without reservation. Which created a certain obligation towards them. She had to be the strong one for them. That was just the way it was.
"I'm fine, Will," she told him firmly, forcing herself to ignore the grown man and see the frightened child. She gave that child a warm, reassuring smile. "I have everything under control."
"I don't believe you." He shook his head, expression resolute.
She loved his stubborn ability to dig in his heels, usually even when it was directed against her. Tonight, she couldn't find herself doing anything but resenting it. It was a threat to her and that made it a threat to the Sanctuary.
"I have the situation in hand, Will," she told him more firmly. "I am perfectly in control."
"Maybe, but your grasp on that control can't be great under the circumstances. You need to understand that I'm here for you, no matter what."
"I do understand, Will, and I'm grateful," she assured him honestly. "But it isn't necessary. You have your own worries without adding mine as well."
"You're my main worry, Magnus. Always have been, always will. You know that. If you're okay, I'm okay."
"And who takes care of you, Will?" she asked abruptly. "I take care of everyone else and you take care of me. But who takes care of you?"
He looked mildly irritated. "Don't change the subject, Magnus."
"If I were truly attempting to change the subject, Will, I assure you I could divert your attention from this more successfully."
"Yeah? How?"
"I could mention what John had to say about you earlier in the day."
He rolled his eyes, letting out an irritated growl. "Clara and I had an argument. It was no big deal! I just pointed out that we can't afford to waste time putzing around in the middle of a crisis and she got all miffy."
"I see," she murmured. "Which was interesting, I'm sure, but not what John wanted to speak to me about, either."
His expression turned cautious. "Oh. Yeah, he was curious about what all I was taking. Didn't figure the psych meds were his business but mentioning the modafinil didn't seem like it could hurt."
"And that's all you're taking?"
"That and the caffeine," he agreed readily, nodding. "I can see where you'd be worried, but you're welcome to test me if you want."
"I may hold you to that, Will," she murmured, watching him thoughtfully.
"That's fine." He gave a shrug. "Makes sense under the circumstances. But I am a doctor. I know damned well that, with the meds I'm on regularly, indiscriminately taking much else could put me in a bad way. Arrhythmia, seizure, stroke, malignant hyperthermia, liver failure, cardiac arrest, serotonin toxicity, coma. Should I go on, Magnus? I've already got a rash and a migraine and a nasty case of the jitters. I'm not about to do anything to amplify those, let alone invite more side-effects on myself. So you can just relax."
She stared at him, startled and feeling a little hurt by his vehemence and dismissiveness. "Will, I'm only asking because I worry about you."
He sighed and closed the distance between them, expression apologetic if not precisely contrite. "But you don't have to, Magnus. If for no other reason than because I won't ever willingly disappoint you, I can be trusted to take care of myself."
"I know you won't let me down, Will, and I do trust you." She sighed, lifting one hand to touch his cheek with the back of two fingers. He sometimes looked so much like that child she'd saved all those years ago and that could be so very comforting. "When did you last sleep?"
"I got a couple hours yesterday morning, figured I'd get a few more tonight once I'm through with my patients. But I wanted to check on your before I did anything else."
She smiled in spite of herself. "Bless you, Will. But I really am fine."
More or less.
He hesitated, obviously dubious but just as obviously reluctant to challenge her.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. Now go see to your patients and then get some rest, hmm?"
He extended one hand, then let it fall away, shaking his head and turning. Magnus felt her eyes widen at the momentary, naked look of need on a face whose expressions he was obviously too tired to guard.
"Will?" She frowned and caught his shoulder.
He flinched away like she'd struck him, which was surprising and more than a little painful. Silly to feel rejected when he was 'only' her student, but she was so used to him coming to her with his problems that to have him shrink from her was completely foreign. And, honestly, the last thing she needed when her world was already falling apart before her eyes.
Taking a moment to compose herself so her voice wouldn't shake, she told him, "I won't keep you from your patients."
His shoulders definitely slumped at her words, but his voice was steady and firm when he answered, "Thanks, Magnus. I'll see you around. Call me if anything comes up."
"Of course, Will."
He left without looking back and, when she heard his footsteps retreating down the stairs, she let out a shaky sigh. Resettling the blanket around her shoulders, she turned back to stare at the cityscape again. It seemed colder, darker, but she knew those things were just her imagination, relics of her own bleak mood.
Sighing, she retrieved the thermos Will had brought, helping herself to a calming draught of tea.
