WARNING: Guys, I'm going on vacation tomorrow for 2 weeks with possibly no internet. I probably won't be updating until I get back, so please no horrible reviews about not updating for me to read when I get back! Thank so much for the nice reviews I did get. =)
Enjoy!
T W E N T Y - S E V E N
{Mitchie's P.O.V}
Everything feels…impossible. I can get him out of my head and frankly it's really annoying. I'm trying to write a stupid song and Shane won't give my thoughts and time to…think or work, I guess. It's driving me crazy.
Every time I shut my eyes and try to breathe, all I see is his face his beautiful deep honey colored eyes swelling with lust and frustration and passion that sprayed a shiver down my spine. God, kissing him was like…I can't even explain the feelings he gave me that I never had before. I never wanted to stop kissing or touching him. I hated it but it was like Shane was my only oxygen and I was breathless.
I thought about his lips on mine, shoved against the shed and his hands everywhere on my body and my heart starts spinning like a merry-go-round. What the hell are these feelings and why can't they leave me alone?!
Our mothers use to tease Shane and I that when we were older we would get married and it use to make me scrunch my nose in disgust and shudder because those type of feelings for him were impossible to ever cross my mind, but now…
"Ugh!" I groaned yanking my violet pillow and smashed it against my face releasing a long overdue scream. Just saying his name in my thoughts and my heart went insane! Was this supposed to be a good thing? Thinking about him and wanting to scream?
But I guess it was normal as his friend that I missed him so much my chest would ache, but did a crush go this far? It didn't make sense! Letting another groan roll from my throat, I leaped off my bed over to the piano in the corner of my bedroom.
It felt so good when my fingers danced along the keys making music, something that just electrified inside of me with the chords and melodies. I just loved music. I let my eyes close and just accepted the picture of Shane my heart painted for me to look at.
I'd never gone with the wind
Just let it flow
Let it take me where it wants to go to
You open the door
There's so much more
I've never seen it before
Always trying to fly
But I couldn't find wings
But you came along and you changed everything
You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I am lost in your eyes
You make me crazier, crazier, crazier
I've watched from a distance as you made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue
And I wanted to know how that would feel
And you made it so real
You showed me something that I couldn't see
You opened my eyes
And you made me believe
You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I am lost in your eyes
You make me crazier, crazier, crazier
Baby you showed me what living is for
I don't wanna hide anymore
Oh, oh
You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm fallin' and I am lost in your eyes
You make me crazier, crazier, crazier
Crazier, crazier, crazier
I stood up sighing and running my fingers through my hair. I accepted it, standing in front of my mirror and looking myself in the eyes as the truth finally came out. "It's official. I'm gonna stop lying now and let my heart say the truth. I am completely in love with Shane Adam Gray. Whoo hoo."
"Oh my gosh Lex, did she just say what I think she said?"
"Yeah Miles, I think she finally said it!"
I whipped around seeing no other than my best friends leaning against my door frame with wide smiles and smirks. A blush dominated my cheeks and I laughed at myself which changed into all three of us laughing and gathering in a group hug.
Laughing, Alex shook her head at me. "Just a brother, really Mitchie? I knew from the moment he sat down next to you on that bench it would happen! Let alone seeing you two holding hands at Justin's party!"
"Yep," I smirked and all the dumb little signs jumped to my head. It was always there, my feelings but I guess I pushed them away without evening knowing it. "I've fallen for him, it's that awesome?"
"Miley clued me in on what happened. I'm sorry but it's really repulsive that you made out with him!" Alex yelled with her features scrunching like mine use to but now the idea of kissing Shane again was a dream.
"I still can't believe it." Miley laughed bumping her arm against mine. "I warned you this would happen, but no one listens to Miley!"
Alex and I rolled our eyes in synchronization before our laughter filled up the air and we all moved to lounge comfortably on my bed, my heart still on an uneven beat thinking about Shane. He was making me…crazy. Oh that's right…it was called love.
"So," Alex began rubbing my leg soothingly and Miley gave her sympathetic pout. "You kinda broke each others' hearts huh?"
"Yeah…I completely screwed up my chance with him. He probably hates me." I moaned falling back against Miley as she began caressing my back. Thank God for best friends.
"Are you kidding me, Mitchie? That boy is hopelessly head over heels for you. You could probably beat him into the hospital with a broom and he'd still love you!" Alex exaggerated rolling her eyes at the cheesiness of it all. Falling in love with your best friend, also the person you least expect to. We passed cliché.
"I guess, but I'm not ready to fix things just yet. He really hurt me and…how am I suppose to trust him after this? How am I supposed to know his feelings are true and he won't break my heart again?"
"That's the same chance I have to take with Nate in the future. You have to have trust in Shane. I know he's hurt you, so has Nate to me, but you can't let fear ruin it. Who knows, something could happen to Shane and you might never get the chance to tell him you love him." Miley explained making my head roll all over again.
She was right but…"I don't think my heart is ready for him yet."
Alex nodded understandingly. "And that's ok. You don't have to push something before it's ready to go. If you guys try now, it probably will be really hard and frustrating and rip you guys apart. If you always doubt Shane while you guys are together, it will really hurt him. He's ready but you're not and I'm sure he can wait for you."
I bit my lip thinking about it all. I needed him, I missed him, but…my heart hurt so bad. I didn't want us together yet but what if he won't wait for me? I love him and who I have changed him into but why did he do this?
I groaned again. "I know but…I don't know too. I just want to close my eyes and let this pain pass." Miley and Alex sighed giving their hugs and I felt a little bit better surrounded by their love. It's what I needed.
"Well get some sleep honey. It can only get better, not worse, I promise." Miley squeezed me tight before they both slipped out the door, the patter of their shoes echoing throughout my house until the door shut.
I leaned back, tugging the blankets over my body and stared at my white ceiling counting the little bumps until my eyes shut. At least I could escape the pain for a little while.
I never understood how hard it was to "go through the motions" until I actually was. My happiness felt drained. I use to be so happy with Shane and I friends again but it all seemed so far away and unreal now.
I did it because I had to, got up, showered, ate, and waited for Alex's car sitting on the porch and playing with the bracelets on my wrist. I was thankful I at least didn't dream or have a nightmare about Shane. I just dreamt of nothing which is good. I thought about him enough.
Alex pulled up and I dove in, driving to the school and just letting the radio take the silence. We didn't really have much to say, all busy by our own thoughts and problems.
Justin kept calling Alex, from what she told me. He wanted to hang out again, friends or a date, he didn't really care but Alex was covering her feelings about it by acting annoyed and ignoring him. Honestly I think she was freaking out and was unsure of what to do, whether to let him in again after the way he's treated her.
I think everyone has a little bit of trust issues. I didn't realize how hard it was to trust someone you cared about enough to place your heart on the line. Even if it was all an accident, the damage was done. My heart was in pieces and Shane got the guilt and blame. Trust was hard.
I felt like a zombie again, disconnected as the seconds flew to hours and the day was nearly done. I could barely remember a conversation I shared with anyone and we were already in History, second to last period. I wasn't ready to see him.
But life didn't wait until you were ready. You sometimes just have to suck it up and go, because you'll have to anyway even if you're kicking and screaming. The bell rang and I got up, feeling my heart actually moving for the first time that day. I trudged down the hall, which seemed a lot shorter than the last time I walked through it to the Biology room.
But everything froze except for my heart that felt like it was smoldering when I saw Shane chatting with his old friends before he collected his stuff and strut down the hall, grabbing Tawni Hart and started eating off her face in front of the whole school.
Why…just why Shane. It always happens, I think I changed him, think I know who he is and the walls come back making him act like someone I could call a stranger. His friends laughed and cheered him on as they were practically fucking in the hallway except for Justin. He walked away from the crowd over to a very pissed Alex and in shock Miley.
Alex began yelling, not at him but to him for what Shane was doing, protecting me. I just leaned against the lockers watching him with a colorless expression like when I caught him ditching class. Now I wasn't disappointed just…disoriented.
I shook my head, laughing bitterly and probably looking insane but Shane made me crazy right? My eyes ran to Miley who was watching me with horrible, apologetic eyes like it hurt her and Alex to see this happening. I gave them a small nod. I would be ok; it wasn't the end of the world right?
"Mitchie?"
I peeked up finding Chad beside me, his warm hand on my forearm. I plastered a fake smile, looping my arm through his as Shane stopped to take a breath but I stopped watching him, skipping to class with Chad.
Life wasn't waiting for me; Shane wasn't waiting for me.
{After School}
{Shane's P.O.V}
I threw my car door open hoping it would break off, but the glass of the window just vibrated. Nate was silent as I stormed into the house, ignoring my mother and father and little brother and stomped up stairs, feeling ready to explode.
I flung my bedroom door open and slammed it shut, listening to noise and trying to calm myself down but it was no use. I ripped a pillow off my bed and smashed it to my face screaming as loud as I could.
WHY was she with him?!! I-I-I ugh I couldn't even think I just wanted to grab her again shoving her against the wall and kissing the hell out of her to remind her that I loved her not Chad Dylan fucking Cooper!
Fuck, Mitchie I LOVE YOU. Why is it so impossible for her to understand that?! How could she just turn around like that and…walk to class with him like they were fucking best friends?! She might has well have walked up and slapped me again because that would be less painful that what she was putting me through.
My heart was thundering out of infuriation and so damn much frustration. I took my radio, yanking the chords of the wall and threw it across my bedroom sighing as it hit the wall and fell to the ground, the CD with our song spilling out.
I groaned and began walking over to pick it up when a piece of paper folded neatly on my pillow caught my eye. I recognized the handwriting and my heart dropped.
I tried to breathe smoothly as I sat down and picked up the letter inhaling each word slowly and each word broke off another inch of my heart.
Dear Shane,
I'm not exactly sure why you do the things you do but I know at the end of the day even when I feel like I'm about to break, I still love you. When I first came, things had changed and I felt like
whatever we had as our friendship could never be fixed into anything but I was wrong. I hope with all my heart I did change you from the boy that hides his pain by thrashing out anger at
innocent things. I know it's all a mask though, just your way of dealing with pain. Everyone has a different way of healing, mine being music. But Shane, my love, when you do those things, I
want you to think of me. Life is hard, love is challenging, and trust seems impossible. But I always want you in my life, I love you, and I trust you can be someone better. Please Shane, I see
everything about you, the real you that is beautiful to me, and I believe in you, whatever you want to be. So be something.
Love,
Mitchie
My hands trembled like they were on vibrate but all my anger was gone, it seemed like it was gone forever. But tears loaded in my eyes and I didn't hold them back letting them gush down my face and drip onto the blankets, but protected the letter.
I folded in neatly, kissing it and inhaling her delicious Mitchie smell of cherries. Standing up slowly, the tears never pausing, I slid her letter in its rightful place: Beside our picture on my vanity.
My whole body felt as if it was rumbling, but maybe that's because I was possibly bawling my eyes out. I didn't care about being strong right now. I pushed myself out to the balcony and closed the doors for the rest of the night with my guitar letting the pain take over me.
I planted myself on the ground, placing the guitar in my lap and leaned against the wall letting whatever my heart wanted to say out because it was screaming right now, screaming for my angel.
The strings on my guitar are worn thin
I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in.
But I've broken all my promises to you
I've broken all my promises to you.
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
A phrasing that's a single tear,
Is harder than I ever feared
And you were left feeling so alone.
Because these days aren't easy
Like they have been once before
These days aren't easy anymore.
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
To me, to me, to me.
I should have known this wasn't real
And fought it off and fought to feel
What matters most? Everything
That you feel while listening to every word that I sing.
I promise you I will bring you home
I will bring you home.
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
To me, to me, to me.
"I hate myself."
{Another Time}
{No One's P.O.V}
Mitchie walked into her bedroom flinging her book bag somewhat carelessly onto the wooden floors. It was hard, but life was moving. "Just breathe, keep moving" is what she told herself when another second seemed impossible.
She moved to her bed, sliding off her shoes and exhaling until the familiar scent of sweet cinnamon kissed her nose. Her heart fell. Mitchie turned and saw a neatly folded paper, similar to the one she wrote, except this one was just as small as an index card.
Terrified of the words, she slowly extended her arm and took the paper. Before even reading anything tears formulated. With a huge, deep breath she unfolded the paper letting the words just echo in the silence of her bedroom.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
Ok I promised to end the drama but I'm still being stubborn about ending this already. LOL sorry guys. This was definitely a Smitchie chapter, but I think it was necessary and it was not a filler. All of the things said or "written" in this chapter are very important, so remember them. ;)
My reviews…thank you so much. Songs belong to Taylor Swift and Secondhand Serenade, both amazing songs and artists. The last sentence is a quote by Elton John.
Sorry, no questions this time. LOL
