Chapter 3
It was hard enough remaining stealthy in the darkened cinema. Now, as Gintoki looked around helplessly at the barrage of purikura machines surrounding him, he realised the challenge that this was going to be.
First of all, all the purikura machines looked pretty much the same: pink and sparkly, decorated with pictures of girls who had eyes half the size of their faces (The edges of their eyes practically touched.) They were all pulling the same posture: chin turned down to create the illusion of having a heart-shaped face, and fingers splayed out in a Victory sign. Gintoki had to force down the bile rising in his throat. Furthermore, he had a horrifying feeling that he had lost Okita and Kagura. Among about a hundred of these identical-looking machines, they could be in either one (there were curtains drawn over the entrance of each booth, to ensure privacy).
He was inwardly debating the pros and cons of flipping the curtains of each one, pretending to be looking for a friend, but the fat lady at the counter was already flinging nasty looks in his direction, as if to say I KNOW WHAT YOU PEDOPHILIC UNCLE TYPES ARE UP TO, AND I'LL BE WATCHING.
Hurriedly, he went further inside the shop and lost himself in a maze of glitter and sPaRkLeZ. Gintoki felt sure that if he was exposed to these radioactive pink rays any longer, he might suffer permanent brain damage. Already, his eyes were starting to water. Then he decided that the best thing he could do, without seeming suspicious, was to listen out for voices. Yes, he thought. I can recognise both of those brats' voices from a mile away. He began listening out for a girl speaking in a Chinese accent, or for a bored drawling voice.
This plan, however, also proved exceedingly difficult as anybody speaking in normal tones would inevitably be drained out by high-decibel girly giggles from within the booths. Gintoki had fought in the Joui War many years ago, but those sword-wielding, cannon-firing aliens were nothing compared to these pre-teen horrors. Suddenly, a swarm of them rushed past him, all looking like clones of each other, dressed in the lastest gyaru fashion and complaining loudly so Gintoki caught every word.
"Oh, My, God, what, a, jerk!" said one of the girls, whom Gintoki mentally named Ham #1.
"I, can't, believe, he, forced, us, out, of, there!" replied Ham #2. The other Hams all nodded emphatically as they entered another booth.
...Jerk? Gintoki thought. That sounds just like Okita to me. Without a second thought, he headed towards the purikura machine the girls had just come out of. To make sure that it was them, he used a trick that a perverted uncle had once taught him. From his sleeve, he withdrew a tiny pocket mirror and placed it on the floor so just half of it went beyond the curtain. As a result, he would be able to see what was going on inside.
From what he could see, there was only one person sitting inside the booth. It wasn't Okita, but he looked a bit too familiar. In fact, Gintoki knew him very well.
Gintoki flung open the curtains. "HIJIKATA?! What the hell are you doing here?!"
"Shut up, you moron!" Hijikata hissed, putting a finger to his lips. "Are you coming in or not?!" He dragged Gintoki in by the elbow and they both ended up sitting there side by side. Two grown men, in a shocking pink and glittery purikura booth.
"Don't tell me..." Gintoki began in an undertone. "You're spying on them as well?! Since when?"
"You forget.." Hijikata whispered back. "This is the Prince of Sadist Planet we're talking about... gotta make sure he doesn't do anything illegal. By the way, they're just next door," he said, pointing at the neighbouring booth.
They both stared in that direction, willing themselves to have x-ray vision, but all they could see were two pairs of feet which definitely belonged to Kagura and Okita.
"Four feet on the ground, we're safe for the moment," Gintoki muttered.
"Once the sticker pictures come out," Hijikata said, motioning at the hole outside the booth, "I'm gonna whisk it out so fast, they won't know what happened to it. And then we'll know exactly what they're up to."
Gintoki wanted to say But I want to know what they're doing NOW, or it's going to be too late. But there was no other plan, so they just sat there and waited.
Okita and Kagura were taking forever. The suspense was too much to handle. Hijikata whipped out a cigarette and began smoking. Soon, the whole booth was filled with smoke.
"Um, I can't breathe," Gintoki said.
"Get out then. I got here first. This is MY booth."
"You really aren't cute at all, you know that?"
"Do I LOOK like I give a damn about whether I'm cute or not?!"
Things would have turned a bit ugly, had Okita and Kagura's picture not popped out at that very moment. Both Gintoki and Hijikata leapt out of their booth in a scramble and attempted to grab the picture out of its little box.
"It's mine! I want to look at it first!"
"Fool! Get back in before they see us!"
Reluctantly, Gintoki went back into their hiding place and both of them scrutinized the picture together.
It was definitely not what he had expected. Rather than pictures of them undergoing any intimate activity, kissing, or even hugging, it was just them pulling weird faces at the camera, or holding hands. In other words, it was totally and 100% vanilla.
I guess they're just a normal couple after all, Gintoki thought, defeated. What was he expecting? That they do something outrageous so he could have an excuse to stop Kagura going out with a guy? More importantly - since when did he get so freaking selfish?
Hijikata also sat there, thinking silently.
I didn't know Sougo could be so normal. Watching him with that girl... they actually make a pretty good couple.
Which means... he's only sadistic towards ME?!
(In spite of himself, Hijikata felt a teeny, tiny glow of happiness.)
Their fears completely subsided, and the picture innocently returned to the box, Gintoki and Hijikata left the purikura shop (on the way, they were ogled at by a bunch of hams who shook their heads sadly, muttering "Why are all the hot guys gay nowadays?" Luckily, neither of them overheard).
"Well, I guess I've ensured Kagura's safety," Gintoki said, as they stood outside in the street. It was already near dusk. Time to go home for dinner.
Home alone, enjoying my miserable bachelorhood, thought Gintoki sadly. Then he had an idea.
He reached out and grabbed Hijikata, who was just turning around to leave.
"Wanna join me for a drink?"
***
Epilogue
Kagura and Okita stepped out into the streets of Kabukichou.
"Are they gone yet?" Kagura muttered under her breath, looking from side to side.
"I think so." Okita peered around, searching for any sign of a familiar white, or black, head. There was none.
"I can't believe they've been following us around since this morning," Kagura complained. "What kind of grown adult does that? And one of them is a cop as well, which makes it worse -"
"Well, lesser minds like theirs tend to think alike," Okita said soothingly. "And I think we've managed to persuade them of our innocence."
Grinning, he took out his bag and unzipped it halfway so Kagura could see what was in it: tissues, a pack of condoms, handcuffs, and other instruments of dubious purpose.
"I hope you're ready."
Then, hand in hand, the two innocent lovers walked off into the sunset.
-END-
