They put me in a room with another girl, three years older or so. She was a redhead and had very pale lips. She wore a green stuff dress with dirty yellow clogs.
The room was very small; had room only for two beds. The girl put her things under the bed, like clothes and other articles. I sat on the mattress and started crying.
'Hey, hey, don't cry, it will be ok. It's always hard at the beginning,' she said coming towards me on her knees. 'What's your name?'
'Mary.'
'Claudia,' she said grasping my hand. 'You're a beginner, but you get used to it, in time.'
'I haven't even started!' I sobbed. 'I never did anything.'
'That's not a taboo subject here. You'll get to work. Men are gentlemen with us. They don't treat their wives so kindly, but with us…'
'I am terrified.'
'Then why did you come here?'
'I had nowhere else to go. I tried everything but I am no good.'
'We have many girls like that here that were no good and now they're very content.'
'Content?'
'Well, you get my meaning. Oh, come, stop crying. You wrinkle your face for nothing. You'll need it.'
'I am not very pretty,' I mumbled embarrassed.
'Oh, that can be solved! Madam Zoe does wonders.'
'Madam Zoe? Who is she?'
'It's madam Morceau's sister. They both ran away from France where they practiced the same trade. Madam Zoe deals with the preparation of the girls while madam Morceau deals with discipline and money. They make quite a team.'
The room seemed less dark and squat as I looked into Claudia's warm eyes.
'She'll turn you into a fairy. I was a bit bruised myself. You see, I ran away from my husband who used to thrash me.'
'How horrible!'
'Can't be helped. I recovered. And now I earn money on my own.'
'Don't you miss him?' I asked.
'What? Miss the pooch? I didn't love him anyway. Speaking of love, you'll fall in love with your first customer. We all do.'
'No, I won't. It shall be very sad.'
Claudia sighed. 'I know nothing about you.'
'I am alone. That's about it,' I clarified.
The following days, I walked around the entire house. There were many rooms, some empty, some crammed, all with beds, some with mirrors, others with lavatories, or wardrobes full of sheets and petticoats…
Only two rooms were locked and I supposed that's where the two sisters lived. I didn't see them too often though I was acquainted with madam Zoe. She was much colder than madam Morceau, but I felt more at ease around her, because she didn't laugh or comment, she left you alone. She was, though, dressed as unusual as her sister.
I talked to Claudia only at night, when we went to bed, but beyond that I didn't really see her. I saw other girls here and there but none of them ever addressed me.
I noticed that this huge house was actually formed of two. One had been adjoined at one point.
Claudia told me how some girls became high-class courtesans and moved into their personal apartments where they received gentlemen. The commission was given to the sisters.
The first six days I spent in such a manner, walking up and down, talking to Claudia, helping at the kitchen…
I thought I was living in a dream, either too squalid, or too beautiful. At the laundry, I tried befriending the other girls but they all regarded me and my country maiden's clothes hostilely. I didn't say anything.
On the seventh day, someone knocked on the door of our room. It was madam Zoe.
'You must be the new one. Come with me,' she ordered promptly.
She was wearing an enormous white hat which made no sense since she was wearing an apron and clogs.
I followed her reluctantly, since I knew something painful was waiting for me. I mean, I couldn't avoid it forever, could I? I couldn't avoid the dejection.
As I was climbing the stairs I was smiling, thinking of what I was doing. I had become someone so different, or I was about to.
I could go back to Derbyshire anytime and forget all, marry the parson, have a dozen children and eat pudding after Sunday sermon. But I knew I wouldn't return for that. And I knew I had gone completely mad since I was still in this house.
I wondered amused what my sisters would say if they found out…I think they'd all faint, even Lizzy too!
I felt mature, master of my life and at the same time a silly tart.
The lady dragged me in a room with large windows and lavatories and put me on a stool.
'Let's see…hmmm, I'd dye you blonde if you promised me you'd look better. Very white complexion, that's a plus. You have clean teeth, let's see the ears. Nails? Alright. Your hair is too rough. Inexpressive eyes…and yet you have something in them, a sort of insolence. Another plus, let's say. Waist too thin. Good. You don't eat well? You'd better put something on you. Clients abhor skeletons. They want curvy women. You have a square face. Yes, well, let's try.'
She opened the door and yelled.
'Why don't you come here, Anabelle? I need help.'
A girl that looked five and wore a long, heavy dress popped at the corner of the door.
'You called me, captain?' she said making a face.
'Stop grimacing already. Bring the bag and some mugs and hot water.'
'Yes, Sir!' she yelled and ran down the stairs.
I started fidgeting with my fingers, nervous.
'Don't throw a fit. It's nothing painful. We'll just smudge you a bit. You didn't think this was a hotel did you? You have to do something once in a while. Otherwise we'd have all women in London upon us!'
'I assure you that…'
'Yes, many say that. And many walk away fast. How many they came and they left in packs! This is not a leisure work. Stays only who can.'
I swallowed the knot in my throat. I was going to be one of those girls that left the place in shambles. And then I would go back to the streets after a failed attempt at becoming a harlot. What a glorious future!
'You aren't very conscious of what you are doing, are you?'
I nodded pitifully.
'That's good.'
Anabelle came back, sprinting happily.
'Anabelle, undress her quickly,' was her first order.
I looked in the mirror with horror and nausea. I wanted to vomit all over the floor. I looked dreadful, but madam Zoe said I looked very chic.
I was smudged with all kinds of paint, others darker, others brighter. Crimson lips, as if they were rung, black eyes lined by a greenish charcoal and a lot of sticky powder. My nose shone of sweat. My hair was wrapped in a complicated bun tied with many red ribbons.
They pierced my ears, now as red as fire and put in them heavy chains with fake rubies.
I was wearing a violet dress with black sleeves, a shameful cleavage and tight petticoats. My dress was far too short and my brown disgusting stockings were very visible.
I stared at the high-heeled boots at the foot of the bed and doubted my resilience.
Claudia wasn't impressed when she saw me.
'You look very nice. You see? I knew the lady would find something.'
'No, I look worse than before,' I complained. 'Before I looked human.'
'Now you look like a woman.'
'A pathetic woman, maybe.'
'Eh, that doesn't matter. You mustn't appear like the ladies on the street.'
'How do you mean?'
'Well, so that men can recognize the ware. If you dressed up like a lady how many clients do you think you'd have? And many like the cleavage,' she said laughing while she tied her sandals. 'The point is to look completely different from their wives or sisters.'
I sat in silence for a while, considering how many marriages failed because of…us.
'I have a lot of work tonight, you?'
'I don't know…maybe,' I mumbled.
'Well, she wouldn't have done you up for nothing! To be sure she's got some customers for you.'
'What? I'm not going on the streets with you?'
'Come again?' she started. 'You are a beginner, dear. You need at least a couple of months till you reach the streets. You need tact and valiance, a sort of boldness. Till then you stay here and men come to the house.'
'Then why did they dress me up?!'
'For clients of course! God, Mary, what is it with that naiveté? Doesn't matter where you are, you must look the part.'
'Well, I actually…'
'Anyway, you are in luck. Clients who come straight here aren't drunkards. A lot easier with them. And they respect you more.'
Her words did not encourage me at all.
'Claudia, I can't do it.'
'Do what?'
'Lie with a man.'
'What do you have to lose?'
'I'm far too young!'
'You're 19, you're far too old! Come, get up, your dress is creasing.'
'But you don't understand, I haven't even kissed someone.'
'Lots of girls here have never kissed. Very few clients actually kiss the girls. It's a sign of affection too big when they only want…well, some bachelors do that from time to time but never the married ones.'
'How sinister…'
'You're a romantic by nature, aren't you?
'Maybe, I mean yes. What's that got to do with it?'
'Don't be disappointed.'
'I already am…' I said gloomily. 'Whatever possessed me to think I could do this?'
'Hunger, most likely and hunger will get you through it. Look, don't think of it anymore. Or, better, imagine that you're going to lie with your husband on your first night.'
'I can't imagine something like that!'
'Then wait…did you ever fancy anyone? Yes? Well, imagine you're making love with that man.'
'Disgusting!'
'Why?'
'Well, he happens to be the husband of my sister, Kitty.'
'Oh, you already have a tart's mind!'
I threw a pillow at her but she ducked in time.
'Well, I have to go now. Lots of luck and take good care,' she said and hugged me very tight. 'Don't make me stay with Gabrielle in this room again.'
Gabrielle was one of the oldest girls there and was very proud of this position, which made her a tad stuck up.
'I'll try…' I whispered, though in my mind I had already established I would run.
When Claudia shut the door behind her I felt an icy draught in the room. She was at least a ray of hope, but now alone…I was forming wilder and sillier plans. I thought someone would burst in the room, a man with a black face. He would throw me on the bed and I wouldn't breathe anymore.
I thought of my sisters' weddings…how the groom and bride kissed, how they strolled to their night chamber. I was always disgusted by those scenes, but look what I was doing!
I was thinking of Lizzy and Darcy and how much they loved each other through looks. I was thinking of Jane and Bingley who adored each other holding hands all the time, I was thinking of Kitty and the Colonel, the man that I initially liked. But he never threw me one look. He preferred the pretty, shy sister, not the pale, faded one. I was even thinking of Lydia and her wretched husband, of her children whose mouths she wiped, of the northern steep lands. I was thinking what carnal love they had…
And I was thinking that in that moment I couldn't dream of any kind of love.
Just then Arabelle called me to come downstairs.
I was ashamed in front of my father. He was dead but from where he was he could see everything, I knew. And he probably suffered terribly and cursed me and wished he hadn't died only not to see this…
In the waiting room, like the girls called it, or the drawing room I sat in the first night, I saw many gentlemen who smoked. I froze. I hated posing myself in front of people at balls…especially now, in front of them, dressed like this!
I was walking very slowly, my heart wasn't beating anymore.
None of them looked at me. They were focused on their cigars and pocket watches.
Anabelle growled like a child and introduced me "ceremoniously".
'Tonight's girl is new. Mary.'
One by one, they appointed their looks at me. Some wrinkled their noses, some nodded smiling, some bit their fingers, others looked at my feet.
At length I whispered to Anabelle.
'Can I go back to my room.'
'Are you mad? I think you already got three.'
I felt appalled and I was soaking wet. Someone caught my hand.
I looked up and saw a gentleman dressed very sharp, with a thick black beard that gazed at me intensely. He had an ironed collar. He was married.
'Let's see,' he told me promptly and mechanically I started climbing the stairs.
I wanted to shout but knew not how.
'You're trembling,' he told me when we reached my room.
'Yes well, it's my first night, Sir.'
'I knew that. I like fresh girls,' he spoke, sounding like a connoisseur and entered first inside. 'I think I drank a little but I am just tipsy.'
'That's good,' I muttered.
'Well, come on. Dance.'
He sprawled on my bed and started smoking slowly as I stood in front of him like burnt. I had no idea what to do. Some minutes passed.
'Listen, I am not paying you if you don't start.'
Disconcerted, I went towards Claudia's bed then went back to him. I walked back and forth trying to take out my ribbons from my hair.
'I see this at home at my daughter, hurry up.'
How I wanted to smack him! And he smoked like a pig. I hated smoke.
And then I had an idea. I abandoned my ribbons and climbed slowly on the bed till I was next to him. I took his cigar and got up, crushing it under my heel.
'You don't like smoke?' he asked.
'Not at all.'
Annoyed that I couldn't undo my bun I started pulling at my sleeves angrily and then at my skirt, tearing my petticoat too. I was doing this more out of fear.
The gentleman was watching me intently.
After I finished there wasn't much left of the dress
'Yes…enough, you're bothersome. Come here.'
I went to him reluctantly and stopped in front of him.
'Sit next to me.'
I obeyed.
'What is your name?'
'Mary, Sir.'
'Mary…you are a pathetic whore,' he said and then wiped some saliva at the corner of my lip. 'Go on, undress me.'
I was shaking all over but I tried taking off his waistcoat. Afterwards, I got up and went to take off his shoes. I threw them in separate corners.
'Take off the shirt.'
I went back up and snatched his collar fervently, almost choking him in the process. I accidentally made a button pop. The gentleman got up abruptly.
'Look, you're wasting my time. This I can do on my own and I am better at it. I'll give you a penny, so you don't think I'm a pig.'
He threw me a coin and turned to the door.
'Wait! Wait!' I shouted desperately and jumped his neck.
'You are bedraggled and sweaty…leave me,' he said disgusted
I felt so dejected and then…I turned his head and crushed his lips with mine.
I know it was stupid. But it was the only stupid thing I could think about.
After that, all was in a blur. He led me to the bed and I felt a continuous ripping.
After some hours I was lying in the sheets, crushed by perfumes and paints.
He left fast and Anabelle announced the second man.
It's true what Claudia said. I had fallen in love with him.
