Story title: Memoirs of a lost soul
Author: Yukaya
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the main character and certain parts of the plot, not everything. All the rest belongs to JK Rowling and the editors/publishers/etc of the Harry Potter series.
Pairings: Irmada/Draco
Summary: We all know what happens to the trio in all seven books. Now, how about a look at what it felt like to be the "bad guys" having love issues…
Author's note: Well, here's chapter 12 :) Hope you guys like it. Remember to leave a review please ^_^ Thanks in advance ;)
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Chapter 12: Explanations
Warmth surrounded me, though I remembered it had been winter last time I awoke in my room. A bright yellow light came from the direction of my fireplace but I couldn't get myself to open my eyes and look. I could feel the heat emanating from it but a much stronger heat came from within me. I was in a state of pure bliss and I did not want it to end. After a long moment I decided I ought to get out of bed. The more time I spent there, the more prominent the memories of last night became in my mind. I stood up and yawned hugely, stretching all the while. A slight feeling of stiffness in the majority of my muscles was slowly becoming obvious. I went into my bathroom and lounged in my already prepared bath, letting the warmth of the water accentuate the warmth I felt in the pit of my stomach. A little part of my mind noted how convenient it was to have housekeepers, maids and such.
I spent as much time as I could in the water before getting out, getting dressed and heading to the dining room, the warmth of my soul never leaving me. I walked slowly down the staircase leading to the front hall with a huge smile on my face. I had never felt so childishly secure and happy. I headed towards the huge door behind which hid the dining room. I was completely unaware of the loud comments coming from inside the chamber until I opened the door and was greeted by two pairs of scowling faces.
"What. Have. You. Done?" my mother growled. I stared at her for a while, not comprehending.
"What do you mean?" I asked in return.
What was this about? I hadn't done anything that I knew would anger her. I wouldn't; I knew better than to anger this woman.
"Oh, you know exactly what I mean." The look she gave me was one a murder victim would give to their killer.
"I honestly don't know what you're talking about, mother." I said. I was beginning to back into a corner because of the expression she held.
"Olivia..." my father began but didn't continue. This conversation must have been taking place for a long while before I even woke up. I wondered silently what time it was.
"It's three o' clock in the afternoon." my mother said, glaring at me.
"Three in the afternoon?" I repeated incredulously.
Just then I wondered if she had heard my unspoken question about the time. She just glowered at me without saying another word. My father stood behind her, mixed expressions of what seemed like apology and pain decorating his features. He must have been trying to persuade my mother to let me off the hook for a while. Maybe even longer than I thought. I looked at them both uncomprehendingly. What was this about? My mother glared at me, fury obvious in her eyes.
"You've never—in your whole life—slept so long. Do you mind telling me why that is? What have you been doing all night that requires such grand amounts of sleep?"
She eyed me suspiciously, waiting for my answer. I rummaged around in my head, searching for something I had done that might have offended her this much. I found nothing. I couldn't find anything that would offend her at all. What had I done to her that would make me deserve all of this? Then realization hit me. I had done nothing at all to her. I had done plenty to myself. And Draco. I stared at my mother incredulously. How did she find out? Did she really know or was this some sort of a trap? She couldn't possibly have heard us. Her room was miles away from mine. How did she know? Did she know? This was an impossible situation. I decided it was best to pretend until I knew if she had really discovered what I thought she had.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I repeated. "I wasn't doing anything."
"Shut up!" she spat. "Don't you dare play dumb with me young lady. I know exactly what happened last night. There's only one explanation to what I heard coming from your bedroom." I gasped in shock, my eyes widening.
"Heard?" That was impossible.
"Yes, 'heard'. What did you think? That you could get away with this without us knowing? They have you guarded by the strongest magic in existence and you decide to throw all of that away so easily? Of course, when all of this breaks, it makes commotion. Such strong magic cannot be upheld in silence. Such strong magic there to guide only you! You and our own family. The three of us. And now it's all gone. How could you do this to us, you miserable little—"
"Olivia!" my father interjected. "Stop. She doesn't know."
"What don't I know?" I asked warily. Their words made no sense when they stared to talk of magic.
"Forget it. We'll talk with you later."
"Later?" my mother demanded, her voice rising greatly. "There will be no 'later'! We're talking now!" she was losing it. I could tell.
"Olivia, this is not her fault. We should have warned her from the beginning. She didn't know. She obviously doesn't know now, either." He looked at me apologetically again.
"Wait, I don't understand." I said suddenly. This was much too confusing. "Mother. What exactly did you... hear?" It was difficult to finish the sentence knowing the possibilities of the answer.
"Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing." my mother said sarcastically. No, she wasn't losing it. She had already lost it. "Just the wind blowing so hard the walls of this very mansion trembled. Only about a hundred voices screaming in the air so hard I almost went deaf! All of this was absolutely nothing." She spat the last word at me furiously. Her expression was murderous, like a psychopath playing with their victim before going for the big kill.
"Darling..." my father started "... these are all signs we were expecting long ago. We cannot blame her for something she has absolutely no control over." My mother stared at her husband incredulously. She opened her mouth to speak but my father held up a hand to silence her. "We should have seen this coming. It was inevitable. Besides, Lucius was preparing his son for this. They have both grown so much, we can hardly call them children. She's fifteen years old and Draco is seventeen. I'm surprised this hasn't happened earlier. No matter how long we tried to delay it, we still had no choice. We should have prepared her for this a long time ago but we were cowardly enough to procrastinate such a dangerous part of her life. All we could do was hope the boy didn't make the choice but he did and now there's nothing we can do about it. The process has already started. We can't stop it now."
"Armando, listen to me..." my mother began.
What were they talking about? Was I that invisible? I didn't understand a thing and they refused to tell me. I watched my mother and father go on about things I didn't comprehend. I could not hear anymore. How many more lies and secrets could I take? I had been lied to over a thousand times. I had recently discovered that my entire existence was a lie. I was a gifted child that everyone wanted as their own. They fought for me amongst each other and all I could do was stand there and watch them fight to the death. Why were they so decided to hurt me? I stood with my back towards the door. I hadn't moved since I had come through that very door just minutes before my life had re-crumbled apart. I backed up slowly, shaking my head in denial. This could not be true. Why were they doing this to me? This was worse than I had thought. This wasn't one of those arguments that my parents—no matter how strong the argument was—would overcome. This was worse than any other argument. This one was making me physically ill. A sudden sickness crept into my stomach and my hands flew up to my suddenly blazing head. I ran from the room—they had obviously forgotten my presence by this time. The urge to puke became so strong I knew I wouldn't make it to the closest bathroom. I flung the nearest broom-cupboard-door open and fell to the ground, grabbing the first bucket I saw. I knelt over it for several long minutes, the burn in my mouth, throat and nostrils becoming unbearable. This was all I could take, all I would take.
It was then that I made my decision. I would run and never come back. But where would I run to? Draco had been in on this the whole time. He was part of the lie. I couldn't run to him, could I? A part of me wanted to deny this but a stronger part wanted to blame him for all of the trouble and pain I was in. It was hard for me to believe he would betray me so. I suddenly remembered the words that Derek had used to describe him. 'An actor' he had said. It was clear that this had to be a lie but I couldn't get myself to hate him, not after what had happened between us the previous night. I was in complete denial. Draco! I screamed his name in my head as loud as I could.
The sickness in my stomach ended as abruptly as it had started, leaving me with just enough energy to apparate to my room. Sobs broke through my lips as I lay limply on the floor. The ground beneath me was stained with tears and I still couldn't stop sobbing. The vulnerability I felt was excessively irritating and I felt helpless as a crumpled up piece of paper. Suddenly, a warm, gentle pair of arms wrapped themselves around me and held me tightly. A soft voice whispered that everything would be alright. The tears poured from my eyes harder than before as I was lifted up into the air and set on the bed. Once again, just like last night, I was sitting in my bed, cradled in his arms, and crying hysterically. I wondered how much more patient he would have to be to endure the pain I put him through. The anger I felt towards him suddenly became gratitude. I decided to be less childish and talk to him this time, instead of dragging him into doing something that was now obviously wrong. I was going to be fully grateful for his being able to hold me in his arms and care for me rather than be disgusted at me for yesterday. He should have hated me. After all, he knew we would get in trouble. He knew it all along yet he refused to explain to me why it was so dangerous for us to be together, even if we weren't being intimate. Of course he knew but I couldn't find it in me to hate him or even to be angry with him. It was I who had insisted for him to spend the night in my room. I knew it was wrong from the beginning but the feeling overpowered me so violently I couldn't let him leave. I had done all of this to him; I had surely hurt him so deeply, put him in so much trouble while caring only for myself and my own feelings and ignoring all of his warnings. I was the cause of his pain and mine and yet he could still hold me tightly in his arms, so gently and carefully, with no signs of hatred. For that I had to be grateful.
"Shh, my love, don't cry. Everything will be alright." I could sense a hint of pain in his voice as he whispered in my ear. "Everything will be alright" he repeated. "I won't let them hurt you."
His words comforted me and a new wave of gratitude and—strangely enough—relief washed over me at the sound of his voice. He was enduring the pain that I inflicted on him without even protesting once. No, he actually had the heart to call me his love. My tears started to dry as a wild feeling of hatred overwhelmed me. I wasn't hating Draco. I couldn't hate him, not when he was so generous to me. This scorching heat was directed towards someone else.
"I hate myself" I said, burying my face in his shirt although the flow of my tears had entirely stopped now.
"Why?" he demanded. I heard the surprise in his voice.
"For all of the pain I make you endure." I answered. "You're always there to protect me and to watch over me and what do I do in return? I get you in trouble and, this time, the trouble seams to be completely unavoidable and the damage incurable. What have I done?" Guilt crept up into the pit of my stomach as I tagged the rhetorical question to the end of my reproaches.
"You've done nothing wrong." Draco told me.
"Oh please!" I retorted, pulling away from him but still avoiding to look him in the eyes. "I heard the anger in my mother's voice today and I saw the way she looked at me. And the things she said! I don't understand a word of it all but if there's one thing I'm absolutely sure of, it's that this is no joke. I will never be forgiven for what I made you do last night. It was purely selfish."
At this point, my voice had turned into an almost-whisper and the intensity with which I spoke had considerably diminished. I didn't dare look up at him. I was afraid of his expression. He was bound to realize to what extent I had ruined our lives. There would be no compromise this time. My parents would not allow me to go unpunished and my mother especially would see to that well. I couldn't help but feel ashamed of myself. Draco put a soft finger under my chin and pulled my face up so that our eyes met despite my feeble effort to resist. The intensity of his gaze took me by surprise.
"Listen to me, Irmanda." he said firmly but—somehow—softly. "I. Love. You. Do you hear me, Irmanda? I, Draco Malfoy, am in love with you and there is no force on this planet or any other that can change that. Not your parents; not my parents; not anything in the world can come between our love and I will do everything in my power to protect you. I promise you this."
I looked at him incredulously. Had he just admitted to loving me? There was no way for it to be possible. Could he really be telling the truth this time? After all the truths I had discovered to be lies over the past few months and years of my life, could this one actually be real? I had difficulty believing this. I was petrified and all I could do was look Draco in the eyes and try to convince myself that his words were reality.
"Do you not feel the same?" he asked me after a while. He looked hurt, which surprised me.
"No! Of course I feel the same. I just... I just can't believe that you would want me after what I made you do. I'm always getting you in trouble yet you refuse to leave me alone. You're always so nobly saving me and I never fail to thank you by putting you in graver danger than before. Every time my actions lead us both closer to misery and this time I seem to have made the most unforgivable mistake yet. And through all of this you still find it in you to forgive and to love me. I've hurt you in so many ways. I don't deserve your love."
A tear trickled down my left cheek. Without warning, Draco leaned down and caught it with a touch of his lips. He sat down next to me on the bed and gently kissed my forehead and laid his own forehead against mine.
"I don't ever want to hear you say that again." he said. "It wasn't your fault."
"Yes it was." I said looking down in shame.
"No it wasn't" He said severely, looking me in the eyes again. "It was not your fault."
"Then what?" I said desperately. "I'm the one who dragged you into this mess. If I hadn't insisted then nothing would have happened. I'm the one to blame. Why aren't you angry with me?" Another tear escaped my eyelids and was wiped away just as gently as the other.
"I'm not angry because you're not the one I should be angry with." he said, playing with a lock of my hair.
"Then who is it?" I asked weakly.
"No one." he said, taking my face in his hand, pulling it up to see my eyes. "You're not the one to blame. There simply is no one to blame." He spoke calmly—surely trying to calm me down as well. "What happened is that the need to conceive got the better of you. You didn't know the signs; you never knew what to expect so you couldn't have known how to judge the situation. If anyone is at fault, it is I for not having been strong enough to resist your advances. I knew what would come of such a situation and I knew what to expect from my own behalf but I had no idea you could be so... persuasive." He finished with a half-lipped smile that looked so perfectly fit on his face that I couldn't help but giggle. He continued to play with that lock of my hair. "You see? This is in reality something we could not have anticipated and it was bound to happen. You shouldn't blame yourself. In fact, I would say that last night was the most special night of my life... so far." He smiled the same smile again, sending me a wink at the same time, and I felt my resolve falter.
"You know, if you keep acting like that, I might just think about making tonight just as special." I said, blushing and looking straight down into my lap.
Draco chuckled a low, sweet sound and pulled my face up to his. The kiss was short and light but it filled me up with passion. When our lips parted, both of us were smiling.
"Will you please stop torturing yourself now?" Draco pleaded.
"I'll try." I promised sarcastically, and then I frowned. "But there's something I don't understand. Earlier, you said it was my 'need to conceive' that took control of my actions. What exactly does that mean?"
"You were born to be one of the greatest witches of all time. You have special capacities that no other witch or wizard has. Therefore, your nature as a unique individual pushed you to attempt to reproduce. It's natural for such a special being as you to want to spread your special genes. If only you knew what an asset you really are to our Wizarding community."
"You look at me with admiration I don't understand." I said shyly.
"Why so?" he asked. "Do your parents not look at you the same way?"
"My parents? Ha!" The laugh was purely sarcastic. "If my mother had her way, I would be shredded into a thousand pieces and thrown to the dogs."
"I'm not so sure about that." he said.
"What?"
"Nothing." He smiled at me and the smile almost instantly turned into a frown. He seemed so deep in thought. It was only several minutes later that I dared interrupt his thinking.
"What's bothering you?" I asked.
"It's nothing." he answered with a smile.
"No it's not. I know a troubled man when I see one. Tell me." I insisted. He looked at me hesitantly, then sighed and decided to tell the truth... for once.
"It's just... I have trouble controlling myself around you. I mean... I can't help but think that all this mess is really my fault." He looked at his lap, escaping my curious gaze. "I knew everything. I was warned about it before the first time you even met me. I knew everything yet I was still not able to deny what you were offering. I wasn't strong enough to stop it and this worries me."
"Why should it worry you?" I asked gently. I knew the pressure was starting to influence him and I didn't want to accentuate it.
"I should be strong enough to deny you this sort of action because if I'm not then Lord knows what else I can't protect you from."
"What else is there to protect me from?"
"The world, the dark Lord, Potter and his pathetic friends, your parents, even your own ego and..." he came to a sudden stop, realizing that he said something he shouldn't have said.
"My parents?" I said. "You want to protect me from my parents?" I almost laughed. "I know my mother is unbearable but she's not dangerous."
"She's more dangerous than you think she is." Draco muttered.
"How." I said this like a dare.
"I'm not sure I'm the one who should be telling you this." he said, playing with a curl in my hair. "You might hate me for knowing and keeping such a secret from you."
"Then tell me." I said, creeping closer to him with a defiant smile on my face. "Or else..." I leaned in and kissed the dent behind his ear lobe.
"Stop." He said. It was one small, simple word but the way he said it made me cease my advance immediately and move away.
"See. You're strong enough to say no." I said in a small seductive voice, sitting back down on the bed in front of him. "I want to know everything my parents are hiding from me." I said. He took me gently in his arms and sat me on his lap.
"Listen carefully. What I'm about to tell you won't be easy to understand."
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More suspense for my beloved readers ^_^ loool
Check out the next chapter for the answer you guys are dying to get ;)
