Wednesday, 18th November 2010. 11:38PM
Dear diary,
It has been 2 years, 1 month, 11 days, 14 hours and 38 minutes since i last saw Jacob. And ive hated every minute of it.
P.S. Ive decieded to start a diary to record my pain and hate. (And maybe to maintain some sense of mentality.)
***
Thursday, 19th November. 11.46PM It has now been 2 years 1 month,12 days, 14 hours and 46 minutes since i last saw Jacob, and i am Still Hating Every minute of it. Living without Jacob is like the sky without stars. He was my guide, i needed him. Every thought i ever had of Jacob was fresh in my memory and i currently was still not speaking to my father. Mom has tried her hardest to mend the situation, and yet no good has come from her meddling. Altough i do feel bad, being ignorant with my mother, she has lost her best friend too, but things with Jacob and me are different than they where with her. She doesn't understand. She COULDN'T understand as far as i was concerned. I don't even want dad to suffer anymore for what he has done to me, but he still does, of course he cannot escape my thoughts. Sometimes i wish he could, its so fustrating having him know every little detail of Jacob and me, how our relationship blossomed, and my feelings for him. It couldn't be any clearer for him if he'd cut open my insides and had a little peek at them. Every wound was open, and every scar was unhealed. Him trying to 'symphasise' just adds salt to it. I still can not make contact with them. It is too painful for me to open up right now.
Saturday, 21st November. 5:14PM
Dear Diary,
Today I was informed about some rather grim events,I was informed that i have to start highschool on monday, and i am not at all impressed with it. It happened all so fast really, considering i had not spoken to any members of my family since we got off the plane into England, it had annoyed me that they had even tried to get some sort of 'family meeting' in order. My mother called me down and i had decided slowly but surely gotten to the main room of the household, making time drag extra slow. I was suprised to see that all of the family where in the room, eyes all on me telling me that i would indeed be enrolled to public education. Ha! like i needed it. But once again, Father Edward knows best doesn't he?! If it was possible for me to die a humanly death, he would have probably done that no doubt. Why doesn't he just start the BBQ now and throw me onto the fire?
*FLASHBACK*
"Renesmee, sweetie, please come here." Mother's tender voice called from our new living room. I slowly stomped towards the room, taking my time. I'd noticed that i had been doing that alot recently and the reason for this was to piss them off, they knew i could get down those stairs and make it into that room as fast as they could. After making much of a racket stomping down the stairs, i gracefully entered the opening of the room and sat myself down into one of the new beige recliner chairs, and sank myself into it, i had a feeling this could take a while. The whole family being in the room for disscussion made me feel abit uneasy, as all of their eyes where placed on me, none of them giving anything away. I could have said something like "What" to them, just to know what was going on, but even that felt like an effort that they didn't deserve.
Not after uprooting me and bringing me here. A shot a quick glance at Carlisle, and he returned the glance at me, looking apologetically into my eyes. I nearly gave him a small smile back that showed forgiveness, untill i remembered that a poker face was needed in these circumstances, and i knew that if father was reading my thoughts he'd find that amusing no doubt. It was hard to keep strong at times like these. Carlisle and Esme had not hurt me, okay, they needed us to move so that the people of forks did not realise our non-aging, but they had not torn me away from my love, not like father did. But i wanted to be able to speak to them freely without feeling such grudges. They where my loving grandparents afterall.
But hey, i guess i had to get used to doing things on my own, like hunting, shopping and cooking, Even though the independance was getting to me. If truth be told i rather liked the idea of being dependant on someone. my thoughts where cut short when Carlisle interupted my thoughts. "Since we have all decided it best to have a knew start here, It has been decided to enroll you all into school, its about 2 miles away from here-"
Before Carlisle had chance to say his next word i jumped up out of my seat, My cheeks flushing red with anger "WHAT?!" I exploded, speaking for the first time since i had moved down to england. "how DARE you enroll ME into SCHOOL?! Even worse, You do it without my Consent!! What is this?! WHO DID THIS?!?!" i bellowed, my musical voice ringing out loud and clear like a bell once more. The whole family took a step back as if the sound of my voice had hurt them almost, it had been a long time since they had heard my voice at all, let alone it screaming at them.
I turned to everyone, Carlisle first, loathing-ness pouring out of my eye sockets. He quickly and calmly shook his head, to clarify that it was indeed not him who had conquered up this plan against me, i then turned to my uncles, who also shook their heads, altough Emmet looked rather amused, with a slight grin on his face, and i could hear his silent chuckles underneath his breath. I stared at him long and hard, and he grin became even wider, spreading across his face and showing his perfect white teeth. He coughed and spluttered whispering Edward inbetween. I smiled at him politely, and Woah, it felt wierd to turn the corners of my mouth another way for a change, this made Rosalie smile too for a small moment, and then i turned to look at the man who had done this. Edward Anthony Cullen. No other than my father. I Shot daggers at him through my eyes, and watched him compose his face for a small moment. preparing his speech to roll off his tongue in a matter of seconds.
"I would say i'm sorry Renesmee... But the fact of the matter is, i am not. You are developed in your Vampire half, and altough you know everything that an education can offer you, You look like the perfect 15 to 16 year old, and it is time you started to expierence the school life. We have all had to do this too, many a time i can tell you." he smiled crookedly. He looked totally unbothered by the crap he had just fed me. And i Looked at him whilst scoffing fustraitedly. I looked around the room for less than a quick second and sprinted upstairs, Locking my bedroom door and grabbing and my green and brown, crushed velvet, LOCKABLE diary.
*END OF FLASHBACK*
All i want to do right now is to see Jacob, and right now. I'm not sure how much long i can take this torture. I'm starting to feel really outraged, I've even started taking it out on the poor animals that i feed upon. Ripping them apart slowly, slicing and slashing them, making them suffer, before i drained them alive. Carlisle kept that that it was abuse to the animals, and it was malicious, because i should give them a quick and painless death. But i did not care for those animals right now. My prey had it easy, I would endure their pain over and over again. feel the death of them over and over again, take their place. because NOTHING could make me feel any worse that i did now. Nothing could make me suffer anymore.
And even though i had all this bothering me right now. I realised that i was actually nervous and scared about going to a public school. i was scared that i would not fit in, If i got teased, would i be able to handle them, or would i slip up and treat them the way i treated my prey?
All i'm focusing on right now is being more adult, developing my brain and body to grow up even more, because the sooner i grew physically and mentally, The sooner i would see my beloved. The sooner i could fly home, back to my true home and my true love. Jacob.
* Chloee! Your such a big help and i love the socks off you! Her pename:ChloeCasinoCullen *
* and katie! Howd i forget you XD.-*
