Disclaimer : I don't own it.
Note : This was inspired by a chapter in hummergrey's 'If an Autobot, do NOT do the following'.
NOTE : I've had a couple people mention I could turn the femme mini-series into a separate fanfiction, as well as the fair mini-series. What do you guys think? I'd have to take the chapters out of 'Autobot Pranks' and make them into their own stories.
Wolf Mystic - LOL and there's more to come.
.... - Well, I'm considering it. I do have one more little femme Autobot chapter coming up (Bumblebee anyone?)
Starfire201 - LOL The next chapter is even more twisted. The next Decepticon chapter, that is. ;) LOL, Thank you.
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(Normal POV)
Optimus was walking down the hall, carrying a tiny velvet box in his hands, while watching it curiously, as if afraid it would get up and attack him. He kept an optic out for humans crossing in front of him, however, and that's why he was able to spot something unusual.
Bumblebee was carrying Sam down the hall, coming from hangar 3.
While the act itself was far from unusual, it was the looks on their faces that inspired the boss 'bot to take a picture. Bumblebee's optics were wide and bright, and his mouth tucked in a firm line. Just seeing the expression, you didn't know whether he was disturbed or amused. The funny thing was, Sam's expression mirrored it almost exactly, probably without either of their knowing.
"Bumblebee." Optimus nodded at the two as they paused in their walk. "Sam. I received a request from Jazz to bring this-" He gestured to the box in his hand. "-to the hangar. Is something happening? I also got a call from the new liaison, and they didn't sound happy. All I got was something about a travesty and the Autobots mocking him..." Trailing off, Optimus turned confused optics on the two.
"Autobot and human relations." Sam hiccuped suspiciously and slapped both his hands over his face. His shoulders trembled, and strange sounds seemed to echo forth from the tiny human.
Bumblebee gave off a metallic snort. 'A prank, Prime. Just go check it out.' The amusement was thick over the line, and Bee chirped a little before shaking his head and wandering off. 'Oh, yes, and follow along. This promises to be good.' With a wink over his shoulder, Bumblebee turned down another corridor, that led to stairs up to the second floor of the main hangar.
Frowning a little, Optimus hesitated only for a second before continuing on. He paused, however, when he noticed several human femmes running around in gowns, with fancy hairdos and make-up. Even some of the army men were walking around in fancy dress of their own.
What's going on?
Walking down the hall, he carefully stepped over the rushing humans, noting how most of them were running towards the same hangar as he. He stepped into the doorway and paused. Blinking his optics several times, he wondered if his logistics routines finally offlined themselves after all this time, or, as humans would put it, if he'd finally lost his mind.
There was a long isle of flower petals, appearing to be rose. Either side of the isle was lined with saluting Autobots, most of which appeared to be fighting back smirks. Then there were the humans on their shoulders, some carrying bugles, and some throwing fresh flower petals across the isle.
What really caught his attention, however, was Jazz. The silver saboteur was standing at the end of the isle, with an odd-looking Ratchet holding a tiny bible in his hands. Taking a good look at the medibot, Optimus was sure the poor mech would need a couple barrels of energon after whatever this was. However, Jazz quickly caught his attention, waving a claw in his direction.
The Autobot leader stubbornly refused to acknowledge the black magnetic bow tie around the Autobot's neck, or the white tarps used as robes on Ratchet.
Blinking, he slowly began down the isle, only to freeze when the bugelists began to play and people began to cheer.
"There you are!" The liaison, a balding, older man, ran up with a bright red face and glared up at the massive leader. "You can finally put an end to this travesty! All I did was ask about what was keeping you Autobots loyal to us humans, and suddenly they're-" He pointed to Jazz, who hid a snicker behind a claw. "-proposing to the girls! They claim they're in love-" He shook his head. "This isn't funny."
'On the contrary.' Ratchet's optic twitched, and he seemed to vibrate where he stood. 'This is fragging hilarious! Hurry up with the ring!'
Realizing what was going on, Optimus felt his own optics widen. Everything suddenly made sense. But wait, no, not everything. If this was a prank, why were Bumblebee and Sam heading away from here? From what he could see, this was a wedding. From the groom, Jazz, to the minister, Ratchet.
He felt momentarily torn. While it wasn't right to pull this, he never did like the newest liaison, who was always only ever thinking about their weapon power, and how he could get richer, faster.
Biting back a smirk, Optimus began forward again, ignoring as the bugelists followed his purposely slow travel down the isle. 'Who's the bride? Arcee?'
'Nope.' Jazz smirked, before folding his claws over his chest.
Raising an optic ridge, Optimus passed Ironhide, who looked to be trying very hard not to laugh. Will was on his shoulder, dressed in formal military garb, saluting and wearing a massive grin on his face. 'Chromia?'
'Not suicidal, boss.' A snicker was heard coming down the isle.
Now Optimus frowned. 'It's Flare-up, then.'
'Nope.' This time Jazz popped the 'p' in it, and shook his head for emphasis.
Oh. Optimus realized exactly why this was such a travesty in the liaison's eyes. He'd thought the man meant the femme Autobots, but perhaps he was wrong. Even as he thought this, he reached the end of the isle and was directed to stand behind Jazz.
"You're ma best man." The saboteur hissed with a chuckle.
Looking up the term, Optimus bit the inside of his metallic cheek to keep from laughing, even though a small part of him was touched. "I'm honored." He answered as seriously as he could, vaguely noting that the liaison was staring at him in horror.
Then, in walked Prowl, and several people looked worried.
'Oh, Primus! No one told him about the prank!' Ratchet's optics widened, but he remained silent, staring ahead of him as his fingers tentatively grasped at the edges of the tiny bible in his hands.
Letting his battle mask slide into place, Optimus noted as Volt pulled Prowl aside, out of the way. A moment later, and a formal march picked up. The door, which had shut behind the second in command, swished open to reveal a sight.
Mikaela stood at the end of the isle, smiling with tears trailing down her cheeks. She wore an elegant white gown, along with a long white train, and held a bouquet of white and pink roses in her hands. On her arm was Ron Witwicky, looking for all the world like he was, as the humans would say, splitting at the seams. He led her slowly down the isle, and Optimus watched closely as the 'bride' ducked her head behind her bouquet on more than one occasion, as a bubble of laughter escaped her.
The liaison had to take a second look when he saw her walking down the isle, and he frowned, but remained quiet. Prowl watched the whole thing in confusion.
Suddenly, Sam's odd look and departure made a lot of sense. Mikaela was...hopefully, pretending to marry Jazz.
Blinking his optics, Optimus watched as Ron handed Mikaela off to Jazz, who lifted her up onto his shoulder.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this mech, and this femme in holy matrimony." Ratchet's voice came out steady and calm, but inside he was dying of laughter. It was leaking over the link. "If anyone here objects to this marriage, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace."
"You're damn right I object!" The liaison screamed, only to duck down when one of Ironhide's cannons came out, whirring as it pointed right at the liaison "On second thought... No. Go right ahead." The man ducked down, shaking his head.
"Do you, Jazz, take Mikaela to be your lawfully wedded sparkmate? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until offlining do you apart?"
Jazz turned dripping optics to Mikaela and smiled. "I do." He seemed to vibrate almost invisibly, and Mikaela bubbled more giggles into her bouquet, fresh tears running down her cheeks.
Ratchet shook for a moment, but then steadied himself. "And do you, Mikaela Banes, take Jazz to be your lawfully wedded sparkmate? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until offlining-"
CRASH!!
Everyone spun and stared in shock as a blood curdling scream echoed through the room. What they found finally sent most of their controlled expressions shattering, and they doubled over with laughter.
"Speaking of offlining." Will muttered with a chuckle.
Prowl had offlined. Apparently the wedding triggered the glitch in his subroutines, and he fell over onto his face.
Directly on top of the liaison
Mechs rushed over, pulling the offlined mech off the pitiful human, only to laugh when they found the liaison fine, cowering in a tiny ball and safe in an indented area, where Prowl's armor hadn't hit the ground. Once the larger mech was off him, another blood curdling scream issued forth from the elder man's mouth, and he ducked out of the room faster than anyone could blink.
"THAT WAS FRAGGING PRICELESS!" Sunstreaker and Sideswipe slapped high fives and laughed hard.
Mikaela wasn't doing much better, clutching to a shaking Jazz to keep from falling off his shoulder.
Shaking his head, Optimus chuckled and went to take a step down. When a hand on his arm stopped him, he turned curious optics on the little yellow scout behind him, who seemed to appear out of nowhere.
"Ah, the real groom is finally here." Ratchet smiled a little, after helping the newly revived Prowl up and explaining the prank briefly. "The real wedding can begin."
"Optimus..." Sam looked up at him. The young human boy was now dressed in a black tuxedo, with a white rose on his lapel. He seemed to positively glow, with the expression on his face. "The wedding earlier was the prank, but seeing as how you're already here." He smiled. "Mikaela has something she wants to ask you."
Looking to the small human femme Jazz was lifting off his shoulder, Optimus tilted his head a little.
"We really are getting married." Mikaela started, taking Sam's hand and crawling into Bee's palm. "And I'd be honored if you'd be the one to give me away."
"I do not understand."
Ratchet nodded. "I didn't expect you would. It is a human tradition, that when a femme and mech... Uh, boy and girl, get married, the father of the bride is normally the one to 'give her away' so to speak. It is a truly honorable position. As I understand it, Arcee has already agreed to be Mikaela's maid of honor, and Bumblebee, Sam's best man."
He looked up the terms, and blinked. He couldn't fight the proud smile when he realized what all of this meant, and nodded slowly to Mikaela, his battle mask sliding away again. "I would be honored." Holding his hand out, he allowed Mikaela to get on his palm, and then walked to the door. They would do everything over again, properly this time.
And the Autobots would get to experience their first ever human marriage.
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Note : Ok, so it started as a prank, and ended as a sweet moment. :) Not necessarily going to be related to future chapters, so if I mention 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' again...
Hope you like it.
R+R please.
Thank you.
Tenshi
