Roy, using his title as a point of authority, had gained some simple clothes from an inn lady, and had been questioning the locals at the market to see if they had spotted a man on a white deformed horse going by. He had been told that such a person had indeed been seen with a pretty lady sitting behind him, and they had been heading west, towards the Manor of Fortitude where the Lord Ike was known to reside. He had also asked, and been told, that despite his terrible ordeal his hair looked decent and he was, as ever, very handsome with his red hair and muscles.
It was only a short walk to the Manor of Fortitude, just a little way past the Gates of Hopelessness which were guarded by the Hounds of Despair. Then the Winding Footpath of Loss lead up to the manor whose front door was guarded by ninjas trained in Edgleadian acupuncture (a form of torture). Having conquered all these obstacles, he would duel Ike for the Princess Martha Rapunzel and dispatch the pesky man with a swift chop to the neck. She would naturally be extremely grateful, and fall instantly and deeply in love with him. And then he would save the beautiful princess, marry her, and live happily ever after.
Firstly, the Gates of Hopelessness. He approached them carefully, noticing a bright red paving stone a few feet in front of it. First he tried the Gates themselves, trying to climb over them, crawl under them, and even slip between the bars. When all manners of getting past the Gates eluded him he examined the red paving stone and quickly realised that if he stood on it the Gates opened. Excited, he dashed for the Gates, only to have them close in front of him just as he reached them, as he couldn't keep his weight on the stone in order to hold the Gates open while he went through them. He tried again, this time lying on the ground, one foot pushing down the paving stone while he stretched a hand towards the gate to hold them open when he took his foot away. The only consequence of this was a crushed hand, and he was still unable to get through the Gates. It was hopeless, and he sunk to the ground outside the Gates, wishing he could think of a way to get in. For a long time he managed to keep his hopes up, trying to get through again and again, but eventually he despaired.
At this point, the Hounds of Despair began to howl. There were seven of them, and they all howled this terrible clashing, screeching note that made Roy want to shiver, throw up, and cry all at the same time. They emphasised his sense of despair, and in turn, his increasing despair increased their howling. There was something so hollow and cavernous about the sound, as if it wished to devour his soul, and leave him a broken man. It seemed like, as it had been for the fortress, Roy had failed miserably at the first hurdle.
*
Ike entered the bedroom where he was keeping Martha, bearing a silver tray with soup and fresh bread on it. He put it in front of Martha and sat down beside her. Her eyes were red from crying, and she didn't respond. Feeling a bit sorry for her, he told her about the week he had spent heading to the fortress, hoping to amuse her with tales of how he had to trade his beautiful black stallion for that horrid inbred disaster, and then had to swap his lovely lord's black armour for a lower value silver knight's one. But she seemed horrified to discover this, and didn't reply to any of his tales. Eventually, resigned, he stood to leave the room, but turned when he heard her voice, saying,
"Why don't you love me?" This whole situation evidently wasn't what she had expected at all. What did she think life was, a fairytale?
"Princess Rapunzel, even if I wasn't holding you hostage for cash, I wouldn't love you anyway, no matter how beautiful you are. I'm gay."
There was a long silence following this, and he guessed she was shocked. He was wrong. What she eventually said was, "What's gay?"
Shaking his head at her ignorance, he left her alone to eat her soup.
*
Roy sat by the Gates of Hopelessness for a long time, when suddenly they gave way behind him, opening even though he wasn't sitting on the paving stone. Excited, he hurried through, and would only much later consider his extreme stupidity regarding the fact that to get in, all he needed was something or someone else to stand on the red paving stone while he went through, a service an innocent passer-by had unknowingly provided.
But as soon as he was through the Gates the Hounds of Despair showed their second use, ripping his clothes from him with their sharp teeth, inflicting yet more cuts on him. He ran from them up the Winding Footpath of Loss, finally leaving them behind in little more than tattered undergarments.
The Winding Footpath of Loss was littered with gravestones, and the very ground seemed to moan beneath his feet. It was growing dark already, and he was sure he could hear whispers behind his back, but whenever he turned around there was nothing there. He followed the path on and on, trudging onwards despite the spookiness of it. When he finally looked up, he jumped. The manor had completely disappeared. Where had it gone? Had he taken a wrong turning? How was that possible – there was only one path to follow. He ran and ran, but the path just wound on and on through the gravestones, no manor in sight. Tired after a few minutes, he longed to stop and rest, but all the gravestones made the atmosphere so creepy fear spurred him on and on, until finally he collided with thin air. It was only thin air for a few seconds, and then the front door materialised in front of him. Only much later would he realise that had he simply stepped off the path, the manor would have appeared, for it was only the spooky footpath that made the manor appear invisible, or lost, as befitting its title, the Winding Footpath of Loss.
His only success, the ninjas trained in Edgleadian acupuncture. He received a few, excruciating needles in his back, but managed to dispatch them with his sword, and wandered around the outside of the house until he saw light in a window. With extreme effort due to the pain the needles in his back caused him, he threw a stone at the window, and presently the curtain was drawn back and the window opened.
"Who goes there?" came the voice.
"It is me, Lord Roy! I have tried so hard to get here, and now I have arrived! Oh Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair! Then I can climb up to your window and save you from this peril!"
"Where is your shining silver armour, your white unicorn?"
"Does it matter, your highness? Lord Ike had both and he is no good!"
She frowned, considering this. "I have no hair to let down, good sir!" she cried at last, sticking her head fully out the window so that he could see her bob.
"My god, what has he done to you? Run down to the door, let me in!" he pleaded. Her pretty face vanished from the window, and presently the front door opened and they stood face to face.
"Are you my saviour?" she asked.
"Yes, I am here to whisk you away and marry you!" he cried, taking her in his arms and kissing her passionately.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" she said once he had let her go.
"Come, let's go now, my beauty!"
He swept her up in his arms and carried her away.
*
"No! Martha!" Ike cried, searching the bedroom. Her soup lay untouched on the bed, and there was no sign of her anywhere. The window was open, had she climbed out and escaped? But it couldn't be, this bedroom was too high up to jump out of, and she had no hair to lower herself down with anymore. He raced from the bedroom into his bedroom and looked out the window. There – at the end of the path! Someone was carrying her – Lord Roy? How dare he?
"My money!" he screamed, racing for his coat. "My ransom, my fortune!" Then he fled out the front door and after them.
*
