Chapter 7 – There and back again (definitely not a Hobbit's tale).

"Well I for one am glad he rescued us Master!"

"Yes…yes, I suppose that he did us a favour, Teineeva."

"Well done, Fan."

"Gosh, thanks Teineeva. I can't believe I'm standing here, next to….."

"Oh no, look what you've done child. He's off on one of his tangents again."

"Sorry Master."

"Sorry Master L."

"Teineeva, no doubt your Sister will be eager to see you. Now that we're home why don't you run along and find her."

"Yes Master."

"Now, child. I want answers!"

"Master L?"

"Three days ago I sent you to the Shivering Isles!"

"Yes, Master L."

"And now your back."

"Yes, Master L."

"With a suspiciously full, grey beard!"

"Yes, Master L."

"You were killed again…weren't you!"

"Yes, Master L."

"Child, I must admit if it were anyone else I would find this bizarre case of necromancy fascinating but since its you I can only stress that I find your refusal to die very…. irritating."

"Sorry, Master L."

"Did you meet Sheogorath, child?"

"Oh yes, Master L. He thought I was wonderfully depressing, so he put me to work in his kitchens."

"Uh-huh."

"I was working on an evening meal for the Duke of Mania with some stew, lamb, cabbages and greenmote when all of a sudden…"

"Wait, child, wait, wait, wait. 'Greenmote' is a highly poisonous herb and you were cooking with it?"

"Oh…eh…right, Master L. Well that would explain why everyone died when I served the evening meal to the House of Mania."

"Yes, child I imagine that would cause a couple of problems. What did Sheogorath say?"

"Well, he told me that he didn't mind about the Duke dying but if I ever forgot to put the dessert spoons out again he'd turn me into a kite."

"Yes, child. That certainly sounds like the Lord Sheogorath.

"So then he had me working for Lady Syl, the Duchess of Dementia. I started working in her personal chambers as a laddy-in-waiting but….

"Child, before we go any further with this story does it involve you killing the Duchess?"

"It wasn't my fault Master L, I only started telling her a story about how 'I saw a mud crab the other day down by the waterside' and then she very sadly, accidentally, brutally cut her own head off while combing her hair."

"And Sheogorath?"

"Well, Master L. At first he found the whole thing very funny, but then he started crying a lot and then he said I was 'the most manically, demented person he'd ever met'."

"Right…"

"So he put me in charge."

"HE WHAT!?!"

"He put me in charge of the Shivering Isles, Master L, but then I slipped on a shard of order and fell into a moat full of dead clowns….."

"Enough, Fan. Please….just stop, child. I don't have the tolerance, sanity or time for this, the Night Mother is in danger and I must see to her soon."

"Yes, Master L."

"Child, do you think you could use your cooking skills to effect here, without killing anyone this time?"

"Oh yes, Master L. You know how much I worship the ground you walk on…"

"Yes, of course child. Now please, come over here to the garden area."

"Yes, Master L."

"Now, this is very important child. You can use any of the ingredients to cook with in this garden but under no circumstances use the chokeberries…ever. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Master L. Got it!"

"Excellent, dear child. Now where is….oh good, Ocheeva."

"Master, you're back….."

"Yes child, what's been happening here since I've been gone?"

"Not much Master, Vicente's been drinking garlic mayonnaise again so we thought it best to lock him in his coffin for a few days."

"Yes child, a prudent step I think. We all remember the last time he hit the sauce, it took nearly five months for Mraaj-Dar's fur to grow back."

"Teineeva has just informed me that he's decided to go back to Black Marsh, at least until he's dried out."

"Yes child, his wandering off has caused a lot of problems lately."

"What's next Master?"

"I must travel to Bravil, dear Sister. The Night Mother beckons, but I want you to escort your Brother back. I don't want to find him wandering off to a local skooma den because he's bored."

5 MINUTES LATER

"He forgot to bring a bottle of mead with him, Fan."

"Gosh, he won't like that."

"What was he talking to you about earlier on anyway?"

"I'm going to be cooking for everyone in Deepscorn Hollow from now."

"Well you had better get started then, Fan. What's on the menu?"

"Oh golly, that's actually really simple. Master L told me I can only cook from these berries here, everything else is off limits."

SOME FAST TRAVELLING TO BRAVIL LATER

"The Night Mother must be awakened so that I may seek her guidance. This incantation must be spoken, an incantation that few can imagine. Locals may call this statue 'the lucky old lady' but they have no idea how lucky they are. This stone effigy masks the entrance to the Dark Brotherhood's most revered unholy site – the crypt of the Night Mother herself! I recite this incantation to seek an audience with you Night Mother. Unholy matron, I of the Black Hand beseech you! Reveal yourself now, most magnificent Night Mother, so that I may seek your audience."

"You just in for a quickie, lad?"

"Ah, Night Mother. Thank you for taking the time to see me."

"You're fine love, what do you need?"

"Unholy Matron, I have some disturbing news. It appears a master of disguises is trying to assassinate you."

"You know I had a dream last night."

"Em…yes Night Mother, but about the assass…."

"I had a dream that I was a lovely pony…."

"Night Mother, could we dis…"

"…and then I dreamt I was water balloon."

"Night Mother, could we please…"

"I'm not feeling well at all these days, my mind is wandering all over the place."

"Yes…well, I'm sorry to hear…em, who is that in the corner?"

"Oh her, this is a lovely lass from the Shivering Isles. Her name's Issmi, she served as a Golden Saint under Sheogorath but now she says she belongs to me. Must be one of Sheogorath's jokes but she's good company and shouts at the kids whenever the climb on me statue."

"Oh sweet Sithis…"

"Where?"

"No, Night Mother. I mean…em….I sent one of my…erm…men to the Shivering Isles recently and by some strange twist of fate he ended up replacing Sheogorath."`

"What's that love?"

"I SAID I SENT ONE….oh, forget it. It would appear unholy matron, that we are now in control of the Shivering Isles or well, one of my…erm, lads is anyway."

"Well, bring the lad here Lucien. This is wonderful, I've got me a whole new realm to rule, you don't mind if I make him my new Listener do you? Such a gift should be rewarded after all."

"Well, that may not…I mean, it wouldn't be….eh….how about I just….no, Night Mother. No, of course I wouldn't mind being demoted. Why would I mind the Adoring Fan being promoted above me."

"Good boy."