Chapter 8 – Good things do happen to bad people
"Vicente? VICENTE!?!"
"NEEDSH GARLISH MAYO!"
"No Vicente, come back. DON'T RUN AWAY!!!"
5 MINUTES LATER AND INSIDE DEEPSCORN HOLLOW
"Ocheeva? Ocheeva?"
"Master L?"
"Fan, I'm looking for Ocheeva. Where is she?"
"She's escorting her Brother back to Black…."
"Yes, yes of course, dear child…now I remember."
"Who is in charge of Vicente while she's gone?"
"That would be me, Master L. She asked me to keep an eye on him while she was off."
"Of course she did….so, Fan?"
"Yes, Master L?"
"What would the following words suggest to you? 'Vicente' – 'bollock-naked' and 'running through the woods'."
"Oh no…"
"Oh yes, Fan. He's out there right now, naked and madly dashing through the Leyawiin forest, whilst looking for some more garlic mayonnaise to drink."
"I'll see about getting him back, Master L."
"No, no, child. Its fine, he'll come back when the sun comes up. Besides, we have more pressing issues to discuss."
"Gosh, Master L. What could be more pressing?"
"You've been promoted to the leader of the Black Hand."
"Is that some kind of cooking qualification?"
"No, Fan. No it isn't. It means that you are required to speak directly to the Night Mother once a week and relay her orders to us."
"The Night Mother? She sounds nice."
"Yes, well she murdered five of her children, married the all-seeing Dread-Father Sithis, answers the prayers of people who want other people murdered and when she transcends the physical plain of existence she lives in a dark, endless abyss."
"Golly…sounds like she needs a hug?"
"No, child. I don't believe that would be wise. Now, we must prepare for your first meeting with her, do you know the five tenets?"
"I know…of…the five tenets, Master L!
"Well that's a start I suppose, child."
"Or at least I would do if I knew how to read…."
"Great!"
"…or count!"
"Wonderful…lets, start at the basics then shall we."
QUITE A FEW BOTTLES OF MEAD LATER
"Right Fan, lets try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two chokeberries, and then I add two more chokeberries, what do I have?"
"Some chokeberries."
"Yes…and yet, no. Lets try again shall we? I have two chokeberries, and then I add two more chokeberries. What does that make?"
"A very small fruit salad."
"Fan, the trolls of Forsaken Mine have mastered this. Now try again and watch as I count them. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?"
"Three, Master L?"
"What?"
"And that one."
"Three and that one. So child, if I add that one to the three what will I have?"
"Oh! Some chokeberries!"
"Yes. To you Fan, the Oblivion crisis was just something that happened to other people wasn't it?"
"Sorry, Master L."
"Ah, Ocheeva. Glad you're back…perhaps you could resume your responsibilities for Vicente as he seems to of run off again…"
"Master, Master, come quick. There's a messenger outside who says the Night Mother wants to see you urgently."
"Wha-"
"I said, Master, Master, come quick. There's a mess…"
"Please let me finish, Ocheeva. What are you wearing on your head?"
"Ah! It's my new hat Master. They're all the rage in Blackmarsh."
"You look like a Nether Lich."
"As a matter of fact, Master. I think it makes me look rather sexy."
"To another Nether Lich swallowing a Minotaur perhaps and if it was blind and hadn't had its leg over in a few months."
"I think you maybe wrong, Master."
"Are your horns supposed to rip through the material like that? What do you think of Ocheeva's hat Fan?"
"Four."
"What?"
"Some chokeberries and some chokeberries are four."
"No, no. We've moved on from advanced mathematics, child and we're on to elementary dressmaking. What do you think of Ocheeva's hat?"
"I think she looks like a Nether Lich, Master L."
"No, child. That's what I think, what do you think? Try to have a thought of your own, Fan. Thinking is so important. Now what do you think?"
"I think thinking is so important, Master L."
"That's it I give up, I'm off to see the Night Mother."
"Oh, okay Master L. Should I come too?"
"No, best not to Fan. People might see us together and think we're friends."
"But Master, I am the Listener of the Black Hand now and I do want to meet the Night Mother and thank her, and worship her and offer her backrubs…."
"Indeed on second thoughts I think you're right Fan. Yes, I do believe the Night Mother should be introduced to you as soon as possible."
"Golly, thanks Master L. Are there any tips you can give me when speaking to her?"
"Just the usual courtesies Fan. Why don't you ask her 'how her kids are doing'?"
SOME FAST TRAVELLING BACK TO BRAVIL LATER
"Brown, I suspect Night Mother."
"I think you'll find they're blue, Lucien."
"Brown is more the usual, Night Mother."
"Who's the Night Mother, Lucien?"
"As you say Night Mother, whilst on our way here we ran across these magnificent blue deer which were coming…."
"Oh but enough of this, it was good to meet you Fan. As the Listener for the Black Hand I now appoint Lucien LaChance as your personal advisor."
"Gee…thanks, Night Mother."
"Yes, thank you Night Mother."
"It is funny where our destinies take us, isn't it Lucien?"
"Yes, Night Mother. I daren't laugh, just in case my sides split open with amusement."
SOME FAST TRAVELLING BACK TO DEEP SCORN HOLLOW LATER
"I'm up and down Cyrodil like a blue-arsed Will-o-Wisp today…"
"Hello Master, everyone is gathered for you."
"Right, good morning team. As you know the Adoring Fan will now be your top point of contact for monetary genocide in Cyrodil. Now if you play straight with him, I'm sure you'll find him a considerate employer but if you cross him you'll find that under his playful, boyish exterior lays me. And in me you'll find the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac."
"Eh…..Lucien?"
"Yes, correct M'raaj-Dar. Now that I am no longer the Listener for the Black Hand, the title of Master moves to the Fan."
"Heeheehehe….em….ghuhuu…ahem, Lucien."
"Yes, M'raaj-Dar. Laugh it up."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH…."
"Indeed child, in fact you are to be congratulated, my friend, we live in an age where illness and deformity are common place and yet M'raaj-Dar, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual I've ever met. I would shake your claw but I fear it would come off!"
"HAHAHA…there's not many…ahem…ex-bosses that would be that considerate, Lucien."
"Thank you, child. Ah good Vicente's back. Perhaps you could tuck him into his coffin M'raaj-Dar!"
"Yes, Lucien…eh…has he been drinking again?"
"Oh yes, M'raaj-Dar. Yes, he has!"
"Golly!"
"You see Fan, there's more than one way to skin a cat around here."
