Disclaimer: Characters, concepts etc. are the property of J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.

The Ninja, The Samurai and The Geisha

Chapter 6: Never Give You Up

"So how does it all end?" asked Ginny, still wiping away tears of laughter as she laid down the latest issue of The Quibbler.

"I hate to think," said Hermione from the other side of the Burrow's kitchen table. Her expression had been growing steadily more thunderous as she read through the story that The Quibbler had been publishing serially for the past five issues. "This is ridiculous, Luna! What possessed your father to print this libellous nonsense?"

"He said it was an intriguing allegorical retelling of recent events," Luna replied absently. The other two girls looked at her with raised eyebrows. "I think he might have been joking, though. Anyway, I think it's rather sweet."

Hermione groaned. "Luna, this story is utter tripe. None of the characters bear any real resemblance to the people they're named after, for one thing."

"You mean Malfoy isn't a ludicrously good-looking ninja who deep down just wants to be loved? You shock me!" Ginny stuck out her tongue at Hermione's furious glare.

"And that's another thing. Whoever wrote this obviously knows nothing about Japan beyond superficial stuff from films. It's a common misconception that geishas are prostitutes rather than entertainers, perpetuated by racist stereotypes left over from World War 2. I think the author has them confused with oiren, who were a type of courtesan during the Edo period. The portrayal of the geishas is just standard hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold romance novel nonsense, anyway."

"You seem to know an awful lot about this," Luna chimed in. "Have you been considering a change of career?" She winked.

Hermione ignored Luna's quip. "Anyway, I predict that this...this wailing, useless, chauvinistic male-fantasy female stereotype with my name will end up with Malfoy. The story is clearly using the tired, clichéd plot of a 'good girl' being torn between the safe 'nice guy' and the supposedly dangerous 'bad boy', who generally turns out not to be very bad at all in order to let the female readers have their naughty fantasies without getting too edgy or realistic. The author's been unsubtly pushing the notion that 'Hermione' gets more excited by 'Draco', even though he treats her appallingly for most of the story."

Ginny shook her head. "I thought that up till the last chapter. But I think the author's scrambling at the end to make 'Harry' more interesting. Besides, it wouldn't make for a very interesting last chapter if 'Hermione' just tells 'Harry' to get lost and runs off with 'Draco' like she's already planning to. Although I suppose the last chapter could just be lots more floridly described sex between the two of them."

"Oh, Merlin, don't get me started on that. Actually, I wonder if this story is deliberately written in such a silly way for some sort of joke?"

"It isn't," said Luna. "Daddy got some letters asking that, and the author was very upset. They threatened to stop writing if anyone else 'violated their right to self-expression'. So Daddy just stopped telling them about those letters."

"Who is the author, anyway?" asked Ginny. "I assume 'Firebreathing Ninja from Space' isn't a real name."

"We don't know. They only get in touch by owl, and never give their real name."

"So," said Ginny, "Hermione expects Draco to win, and I'm voting for Harry."

"No surprise there."

"Well, since I'm tragically deceased in the story, I shall have to settle for Harry at least having a happy ending. Unless you'd rather he somehow ended up with my murderess?"

"Merlin's beard! No-one had better show this to Cho, or she'll go berserk and probably sue someone."

"True. So Luna, which of us is right? I don't think I can wait for the next issue."

Luna pulled several sheets of paper from a folder and placed them on the table. "Actually, you're both wrong."

"Really? So what does happen?"

"Does she come to her senses and ditch them both for being condescending macho idiots?" asked Hermione eagerly.

"Oh, I know!" Ginny said. "'Harry' and 'Draco' realize that their burning hatred of each other is just a cover for an intense physical attraction, and go off together!"

"Ginny!" Hermione had turned bright red.

"What? You obviously haven't heard some of the gossip among the girls in my year."

"Still wrong," Luna smiled.

"Ah, I've got it. 'Harry' and 'Draco' kill each other simultaneously in a tragic final battle, leaving 'Hermione' alone. And then she probably kills herself in some highly dramatic way," Ginny added.

"I can think of worse fates," said Hermione darkly.

"No, that's not it either," said Luna. "Here, this is the draft for the final chapter." She passed the papers over to the other two.

"You read it first," Hermione said. "I'm almost afraid to find out now." She got up to refill her glass of pumpkin juice. Ginny read avidly through the manuscript, bursting out laughing a couple of times. Her eyes grew steadily wider as she read the final page.

"Well," she said when she had finished. "That's...different."

"What?" asked Hermione. "What happens?"

"I'm not sure you want to know."

"I can't not find out now. Give me that." Hermione took the manuscript and skimmed through it rapidly. Her jaw dropped. "What?! That's ridiculous! What a stupid copout!"

"I know! 'Hermione' marries 'Harry' but he also lets her have trysts with 'Draco' with his blessing? What happened to their violent mutual loathing?"

"That's explained," said Luna. "They come to understand each other during their final battle, and accept that Hermione truly loves both of them."

"That sounds a bit like my slash ending idea," noted Ginny. "Besides being completely stupid, of course. I'm rather disappointed now; maybe I should write this Firebreathing Ninja from Space an angry letter."

"Well, I quite liked the ending." said Luna firmly. "Everyone got what they wanted."

"Except me and Cho," Ginny noted.

"That's true. That part was very poignant, I thought."

"Shall we see if the boys have finished de-gnoming?" Hermione asked, getting up. "I think I'd rather forget I ever read that story."

"Do you think Harry would like it if I dressed up as a geisha?" Ginny mused as they made their way outside.

"Ginny..."

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN

FIC ROLLED

THANK YOU FOR READING!

A/N: Well, as you may have guessed while reading that little epilogue, this fic was written for a prank. A bunch of writers including myself got together to post fics that were deliberately written badly in a variety of ways, to test the hypothesis that many readers would be unable to tell the difference between such a story and a regular mediocre fic written with low levels of quality control and imagination. The common fanfic problems I chose to parody/exaggerate included:

-Overblown, melodramatic romance dialogue and situations

-The imposition of one or more highly clichéd plots (in this case the nice guy vs bad boy love triangle and the hooker with a heart) on a group of canon characters whether or not their personalities fit it, often (as in this fic) resulting in some or all of their original personalities being completely tossed aside

-An unimaginative AU setting (stereotyped feudal Japan in my case, though I could have picked something much more overused like generic medieval fantasy or a 21st century American high school)

-Overused fandom-specific assumptions/story elements that are popular with fans but strongly contradict canon (in this case, Draco being a suave sex god and abused woobie, and Cho being evil)

Writing a deliberately bad fic was alternately fun and painful, although I did feel bad for misusing JK Rowling's characters so blatantly (especially Hermione, who I turned into a really annoyingly weepy drip). Still, at least I gave some of them the chance to get their own back in the epilogue, as well as giving all you readers a chance to find out how the story ended (namely, badly). Don't feel too bad if you enjoyed the first five chapters; it just goes to show how easy it is to parody the average fanfic. Sayonara!

-The Artist Formerly Known As Firebreathing Ninja From Space