It's Only Life

Chapter Six: Truffle Hound


Helga surmised that it should have been harder to sneak a pig out of someone's house. At least harder than it was for her to do so. Especially when that house is occupied by thirteen or so absolutely crazy people. The realization that she actually accomplished her meager goal, didn't truly hit her until she was nearly a block away, walking behind a plump, but still energetic, Abner.

"You better be happy that I'm such a good person," she told Abner, as they continued walking. "I could sell you to a farm or a factory if I felt like it…"

Helga walked with no destination in mind, and had she been alone on her walk, she'd have been content with wandering around aimlessly, wallowing in her own despair. Despite the fact that, just the night before, she made strides in the field of reconnecting with her 'father' (she wasn't quite sure if she was ready to use that word with him), the calendar on her wall told her that it was Thursday, and she still heard nothing from Arnold.

She didn't doubt, even in the recesses of her often illogical mind, that Arnold was coming back. That was never in question. His feelings upon returning, however, were a mystery. She wondered if he would even want to talk to her once he came back. She had, after all, told him that she was scared to trust him with her own feelings, and even though she regretted the statement from the moment that she uttered it, she had yet to properly apologize for it. At the same time, Helga tried to remain optimistic (even though she told herself that she really wasn't any good at it) and imagined Arnold's return, in a best-case scenario. In a perfect universe, he'd come by the house with chocolates, but no flowers, and apologize for his truancy. She would apologize for her lack of trust in his devotion to her, and in the end, they'd both walk off, into the sunset, gorging themselves on chocolate.

There was a reason why that approach was being labeled her ideal one.

"Abner; do you mind if I call you Abner?" Sure as she was that Arnold would (someday) return, she was also certain that by no chance would Abner actually respond to her. Nevertheless, she continued. "You're Arnold's pet, right? And I'm…well, technically, I'm still his girlfriend. So, one would think that you and I have something in common, right?

"So, answer me this, Abner: why isn't he back yet? I mean, I spent, what should have been a maddening, hour across a diner table with my…with Bob," she said, out loud, but still under her breath. "And one would think that I would get some sign as to whether or not I'm moving in the right direction." Before Helga could move her thoughts onward, she felt the aged-leather leash pull her forward, as Abner (whom she didn't realize until just then, was a relatively large pig), and off the sidewalk, into the grassy area of Tina Park. She struggled to rein him in, but the speed that they were moving, combined with the incapability of her sandals to find stability on the soft grass, made that feat impossible.

Just as the ache in her legs was getting to be unbearable, Abner abruptly stopped in front of an old tree, moving around somewhat randomly, sniffing the ground and grunting happily. Releasing his lead, Helga flopped down on the grass next to him; lifting her chin and watching the soft breeze move the leaves of the tree back and forth. She only stirred when Abner deposited a handful of truffles next to her hand.

"Stupid pig." she grumbled, closing her eyes. "I should have made you into bacon or something." she finished slowly, allowing the lat rays of sunlight to pass before her eyes, before she fell asleep.

Upon waking up, Helga was happy that the sun was still up (though not as high in the sky as before) which meant to her, that she managed to not sleep away the entire day, as was her nature when she had much weighing upon her mind.

Groping around the ground, Helga was not shocked to find that she woke up under a tree in Tina Park. Nor was she surprised to find that she was alone. Crawling on her knees, she brushed the numerous truffles out of her way and peeked around the tree to see if he was nearby. He wasn't. Standing up, somewhat unsteadily, Helga surveyed each tree in the vicinity of the park, her nervousness growing with each step she took until she was running in circles, panicking.

'It's alright Helga. This is not a big deal at all. You've only lost your boyfriend's most beloved pet and friend in record timing, but this could be worse. Besides, how many pigs are there in this city?' Helga thought, willing herself to calm down.

Regardless of her efforts, she began searching the park with her eyes, hoping to see a spot of pinkish flesh, with the intention of running towards it. Even when she looked slowly, attempting to calm her racing thoughts, nothing caught her eye, except the usual park-goers, moms pushing strollers, children running around wildly, and the like.

By the time Helga walked back down the hill, Abner's empty leash in her hand, she was near hyperventilating, but no closer to finding Abner. She tied to think of Abner's usual haunts; the places where Arnold said he'd wander to on the few occasions when he happened to leave the house alone. Most consisted of dumpsters, vacant lots and landfills. Basically, any place where there happened to be a lot of garbage.

Helga heaved a sigh and began walking to the nearest landfill site. Somehow, she reasoned, whenever she stole something from Arnold, it always left her down in the dumps.


"Young lady, you can't enter this establishment…smelling like that."

"Rest assured, I know exactly how I smell. But, I'm looking for something very important, and I just need you to hang this flyer in your window."

"I'm not hanging anything anywhere, until you remove yourself from my establishment!"

Helga quirked an eyebrow at the shop owner and rested the flyer on the countertop before turning and leaving, in all her filthy glory. While a lot closer to her in age, the newest owner of 'Green Meats' was slightly more uptight than his father, who was always a stickler for a clean establishment, but realized the mischievous nature of the neighborhood children, and generally didn't mind their antics. His son, however, after taking over the family business and adding a fancy 'Also Serving Alternative Choices' to the end of the nearly infamous butcher shop's title, served to be less community aware than his father. Mr. Green, on the few occasions when he would drop by, reassured anyone who asked that, in time, his son would be as warm as any other Hillwood-dwelling resident.

Helga sat outside of Green Meats, her back flush with the brick wall of the building, realizing that she was completely and utterly out of any ideas at all. It was no less than three hours since she lost Abner, and in that amount of time, she managed to search out every dump and landfill in the city, as well as make crude flyers advertising that Abner was "missing", and directing people toward her cell phone number, seeing as she still wasn't sure when Arnold would be back home, and didn't want him to receive phone calls regarding a pig that he didn't even know was lost.

Hanging her head low, Helga let the evening sun warm the back of her neck, until the phone in her pocket began to stir. Halfheartedly reaching into her pocket, she stared at the number, before answering. No name was connected with the number, so she answered the phone tentatively.

"Hello?" she asked. For all she knew, someone could have found one of her flyers, and used the opportunity to prank call her.

"Hi. I think I found your pig."


Helga paced around her hidden spot in the same park where she lost Abner, hoping that she was adequately concealed from most of the park goers. If she made it obvious to whomever made the mysterious and brief call that she really had no reward or incentive in mind, they may have been prompted to leave or use Abner as some kind of leverage. She could only imagine how Arnold would have reacted upon coming home to find that not only did she lose Abner, but, upon finding him, someone decided to keep him until she could produce what would probably equal a ridiculous amount of money.

Helga pressed her back against a large tree, hearing someone approaching. She was told to meet in the thick grove of trees, secluded from the remainder of the park. Helga inquired as to why the caller wanted to meet her in such a discreet place, but her answer came in the form of a click, and the call ending.

Looking around the tree, Helga listened as she heard the far off oinking sound coming near her. She nearly beamed at seeing the pink ball of flesh; a feeling she wasn't familiar with, as Abner did little more than annoy her and interrupt herself and Arnold when they were alone somewhere in the boarding house.

Abner came up to her, his heavy body nearly colliding with hers and began licking her face. The gesture was sweet, but his breath stank of a fusion of peanut butter, ranch salad dressing and dishwasher detergent, and she found herself pushing him off of her to sit up straight again. Looking in front of her, she saw the feet planted on the grass, and followed the legs, all the way up to the face, she knew was watching her.

'Just my luck…' she thought, releasing a breath. Of course, to quell her anxiety over her somewhat estranged boyfriend, she would, indirectly kidnap his pig, lose it, and have it returned by none other than, her boyfriend, himself.

She sat on the grass, shielded from the sun by the trees for a few more seconds, Abner lapping at her hands as she stared at Arnold, who stood over her with a half smile on his face, knowing, that, without even trying, he managed to trump his girlfriend.

Helga looked around, frantically, before reattaching the leash she carried with her and trying to pick Abner up. Despite graduating with the honor of being the Girl's Field Hockey captain, she attempted to lift Abner off the ground, and struggled slightly. Finally making it to her feet, and feeling Arnold's amused gaze on her as she did so, she staggered away, huffing.

"May I ask where you're going?" he finally asked as she moved past him.

"I have to return this pig to it's rightful owner." she gasped out, shuffling down the hill.

"Um, I'm right here."

"No." Helga said, trying to turn quickly, but nearly dropping a squealing Abner in the process. "No, his rightful owner is my boyfriend who was due home nearly three days ago." she said, turning some of her anger on him. 'How dare he just show up out of the blue as if its Monday, and nothing has transpired between us?' She thought, barely able to breathe. She finally dropped Abner to the ground, who oinked happily and trotted back to Arnold.

"Abner seems to think differently." Arnold said, bending to pet him.

"He's a pig. He doesn't know any better." she said, taking in deep gulps of air. "I stole him."

"What?" Arnold asked, standing again, and advancing toward her.

"I stole Abner. Because you didn't come home, and I didn't have anything to do, and Olga and Drew kept telling me to go do something and quit moping around the house, so I went to yours, and Ernie was there, and I said you wanted me to walk Abner while you were out town and he believed me, and while I did he ran away so-"

"Helga." he said, stopping her. "Be quiet."

"Well, I was just telling you what happened while you were away." she said, sounding offended, even though she wasn't. More than anything, she just wanted to confess that she spoke to her father, and that she was trying to let go of some of the anger she knew she still had, but that she needed help. "Glad to see you had such a remarkable time."

"I did. It was a blast. Arnie is a lot more fun, these days."

Helga whirled away from him, knowing that she probably deserved his sarcasm, before he spoke again.

"I had a horrible time."

Helga stopped in her stride and turned to face him. "What?"

"I had an awful time, The graduation was five hours long. Arnie is still boring, still dull as a rock, and still in love with you. We only stayed because the Packard broke down on our last day, and the only auto body shop in the entire town had to order parts. I'm sorry."

Helga sighed, and finally looked Arnold in his eyes. He looked tired and apologetic. There was the ghost of stubble on the end of his chin, where a few scant hairs sat. His eyes were slightly bloodshot; they'd probably just came home, after driving all morning.

"Don't be sorry." Helga said, not happy about getting so sentimental, just moments after seeing Arnold for the first time in days. "I was the one who said I couldn't trust you."

"I know you didn't mean it." he said, stepping closer to her.

"I didn't. I can… you know...trust you and stuff." she said, looking around at the foliage around them.

Arnold smiled at Helga's discomfort with expressing her emotion, and didn't take it personally. "Come on, let's deliver Abner to his rightful owners…he said, taking her hand, and walking in the main area of the park, Abner following them, absentmindedly.

As they left the park, Arnold began talking about the boredoms of the country, his insane relatives, and the like. Once they reached Vine Street, Arnold finally asked, "So...what did happen while I was away?"

Helga smiled, knowingly. "Nothing much. I took a few more hours on at the coffee shop, met with an advisor…the usual."

"You didn't go on any dates while I was gone? I'm shocked." he said, sarcastically.

"Okay, for one thing, lay of the sarcasm. It's not your forte." she said, checking over her shoulder every now and then to make sure Abner was still following absentmindedly behind them. Aside from stopping at the occasional trashcan to sniff around, he stayed no more than a few feet behind them. "And, actually, I did go out last night."

Arnold looked at her quizzically as she continued. "I went to the diner on 3rd street. It was raining, and I wanted a bite to eat."

"You went to our diner?" he asked. "You didn't sit at-"

"Yup. Third table from the back door. Just like always."

Arnold looked half-skeptical, and half-offended. He and Helga rarely went to the diner unless the other was meeting them there, and they never sat at the third table from the back door unless they were with each other. "And who, pray tell did you meet there?" he asked, expecting her to drop the story and admit that she really stayed home and watched reruns of CSI: Miami, like she usually did.

"No one in particular. He just sat down across from me. I didn't have the heart to tell him to take a hike, and it was raining so hard, I couldn't leave." she said, looking straight ahead, knowing, either way, that Arnold was staring at her wit disbelief.

"He was…nice. Nicer than I expected, at least." she said, remembering the evening. "We talked for a while. It was…hard at first. I was just angry that he was there, but I think…I think-"

Arnold stopped Helga in the middle of the sidewalk, a few pedestrians passing them on the concrete path. "Helga, what are you telling me?" he asked.

"I just hope he didn't leave my ring at the table. It's the only real gift the guy ever gave me." she said, a small smile creeping onto her face.

Arnold dropped his shoulders and smiled. He knew the ring Helga spoke of; she wore it around her neck at their high school graduation, and told him the story behind it that evening. "You talked to your dad…" he whispered, not fully believing it.

"Hold on, Tex. Let's not go handing out titles. He's my male biological DNA donor. Not much else, right now."

"So, what happens next? What'd you talk about? How long are they-"

Helga shushed Arnold with a kiss. "Arnold. Be quiet." After a second, she went on. "I don't know what happens next. They're not staying long; they'll probably be gone by the time we start school."

Arnold noticed the shift in her mood, and squeezed her hand. "Well, the hardest part is over."

"That's what I thought…I guess we'll see." she said, optimistically.

"Don't worry too much over it." Arnold assured her. "It's not the end of the world. It's only life."


A/N: Hey! I did it! I finished this chapter! I've been stuck since April. See what a few encouraging words and heavy doses of Nyquil can do? I feel just great.

Next chapter will be the last. Everyone stay safe this winter. I'm about to go outside in the snow, and probably regret it. Bye!

-Pointy_Objects