A.N. Hello! The update is finally here! Big thanks goes to everyone for reading and leaving wonderful reviews! I hope you'll find the chapter as enjoyable as I did writing it!
Note: the words of the song don't belong to me but to someone who wrote them and it is probably Katy Perry.
Warning: not to give much away, there's some slightly steamy content later in the chapter so just pass it over if you don't like that stuff. It's not overtly explicit and it's my first scene of that kind so… just be warned.
BTW, I want to apologize to the readers of my other stories for the long lack of updates. I've recently concentrated more on "At the Edge…". I'll try to post a new chapter next week, though.
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Meredith tried to get her breathing under control as Derek's car sped along the dim streets of Seattle. She didn't see his face but the little gestures of his told her he was equally jittery. He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel and racked his hair absentmindedly several times. Even if they didn't talk much, the silence wasn't an awkward one. The time for words would just come later. For now, they enjoyed the simplicity of the moment, their proximity and the way Derek's hand brushed Meredith's thigh every time he reached to change gears.
She didn't need to pose any questions about their destination. She'd known viscerally where he was taking her since he started the engine. Meredith smiled when they slowed down to squeeze into the tail of vehicles queuing to cross the lake.
"I've missed the ferryboats," she whispered letting her head fall back against the headrest.
Derek chuckled ever so slightly, "Good because I still have this thing… for ferryboats."
The rest of the ride passed in a shady blur regularly punctuated by the orange light of streetlamps. Before she even noticed the car pulled up on the gravel driveway.
"I can't believe you've kept it all this time," Meredith breathed out dazedly getting off the car into the chilly air, her eyes roving around the site. There was the same silvery trailer, now a little worn out by weather and the passage of time.
"I've got used to it," Derek shrugged his shoulders. He was comfortable in the trailer and he didn't see the point of searching for an apartment or building a house alone.
"You want to live in a trailer for the rest of your life?"
He looked at her longingly and said, "I hope not."
They went inside and Meredith was momentarily stunned to see how little changed during her absence, as if she had walked out only this morning. It felt a little like a dream to be there again, on his land, in his trailer, the place that was so immensely Derek-like. The overwhelming feeling of familiarity made her whole body tingle pleasantly, and he wasn't even touching her… yet… Shivers ran down her spine making her fidget on the spot.
"Cold?" he asked closing the door behind them.
"Not really." She made to take her coat off.
"Let me help you." He moved behind her and his hands closed over hers on the lapels of her coat. She felt his breath on her neck, followed by his lips. He was making her brain fuzzy and she tried like hell to keep her head clear. The touching and the kissing and whatever that might follow was not the primary purpose she was there; her… their daughter's future was.
"Derek," she murmured. "We… we need to talk."
"We do," he agreed quietly and straightened up slowly to hang their coats on the rack.
"I… I have so much to tell you," breathed out Meredith, twirling her fingers anxiously. "So much… I… I'm not even sure where to start!"
Derek faced her barely containing his own excitement and eagerness to take her into his arms. After all these years she was within the reach of his hand. "Why don't we start with dinner? We'll have the chance to talk peacefully over the meal."
"Oh, ok…" she followed him into the small kitchen. "You… you planned this?" she asked with disbelief.
"Yes," he admitted with a confident smile, taking out various products from the cupboard. "Do you want something to drink? Tea? Coffee? I'd offer something stronger but we have the champagne and better not to mix it-"
"I… water's fine, thanks," she stammered out. "How… how did you know we'd have the chance to open that bottle? The board nearly shut down my trial."
"Did they?" Derek furrowed his brows pouring her a glass of water. "It's just… you worked hard for success, you put a lot of effort and… I had a feeling."
"Thanks for believing in me, supporting me… It… really meant a lot to me," confessed Meredith. "Derek… I'm sorry…"
He quickly looked up at her pausing his actions for a second.
"I'm sorry… I've been giving you mixed signals. It was never my intention to jerk you around." Her hands tightly clutched her glass.
"It's ok, I know why you've been acting like that."
"You… you know?" she asked uncertainly.
"You don't trust me, I understand as much," he said opening the fridge. "We haven't seen each other for more than two years and before that… we weren't in the best of relationships."
"No, we weren't" she swallowed the water hard. "I… don't want to go back to that… I mean… to the whole sex and mockery thing… I'm not that girl anymore. I don't… I'm responsible… or whatever…"
"Ok," he smiled. "I want something else too."
"And as for not trusting you," she went on. "I… I do trust you, not entirely… I kinda do… trust you now. I trust you with some things in my life, very important things… that… I have to share with you… because they will be in your life too and they have to be in your life…"
He nodded. "I'll make us dinner and you'll tell me all about it," he grinned turning on the stove.
"What are we having?" she asked casually, tucking stray hair behind her ears. "Trout?"
Derek snorted at her question, "No! I'm staking on romantic and exotic – mango chicken."
"Sounds delicious, how can I help?" she moved closer to the counter.
"Umm, you can… just relax. You've had a long and emotional day," replied Derek innocently.
"I'm not tired and I want to help," she insisted rolling up the sleeves of her shirt.
"You… don't have to, you're my guest."
"I know I don't have to. I want to, and then we can talk."
"Umm," Derek stalled for time.
"What?" asked Meredith with a frown.
"Nothing, it's just…"
"It's just what?" She put her hands on her hips, eyeing him suspiciously and smirked, "You think I can't cook?"
"What? No!" protested Derek immediately but gave up seeing her expression. "Fine, you suck at cooking and I actually want to eat that dinner."
Meredith gasped, "I do not suck at cooking!"
"Yes, you kinda do," chuckled Derek.
"I do not!"
"The last time I saw you in the kitchen you couldn't boil the water," he reminded.
"Well," huffed Meredith. "A lot has changed since then."
"U-huh."
"Don't you u-huh me, Derek Shepherd! I can boil the water now. And I can cook… simple things," she added under Derek's incredulous gaze. "Stacy taught me, Warren's wife. I can even bake a cake!"
"Right, I'll try your cooking skills the next time," he promised cringing inwardly. "Tonight just enjoy being the successful fancy neurosurgeon while I'm your culinary slave."
"That sounded vaguely dirty," smiled Meredith discreetly.
"Damn," Derek shook his head. "I meant it to be blatantly dirty."
She let out a giggle and said, "I need to make a phone call, I'll be right back."
She left Derek in the kitchen and picked her bag from the floor combing it for her mobile. Cristina should be already at her house with Bessie and Meredith needed to check up on her little daughter feeling a twinge of guilt not going back home directly after work. However, she knew the looming conversation with Derek was unavoidable, necessary and happening tonight.
"Cristina," she whispered into the receiver.
"Meredith, how's it going?" Cristina shot off the bat.
"Good, really good. Great even," murmured Mer.
"Have you told him?"
"No, not yet. He's… cooking. I'll tell him over dinner."
"Good. Just make sure he's sitting down," snorted Cristina. "And don't get drunk beforehand, you can do that after dropping the bomb."
"Cristina!" Meredith rolled her eyes. "How's Bessie? Not too upset I'm not home?"
"Uh, no, she's fine."
"You're sure?" Meredith could swear there was a hint of hesitation in her best friend's voice.
"Absolutely, everything's under control. Get back to McDreamy and put things right."
"Crist-" Meredith trailed off hearing a dull signal in her ear.
Cristina put away the phone and hurried to Bessie's room with a small bottle in her hands.
"Open your mouth to auntie Cristina," she said quietly pouring a liquid into a teaspoon.
Bessie swallowed the medicine with a grimace. Her cute face was unusually pale and she was sweating slightly. She was unnaturally quiet and her eyes glistened with fever. McAngel was evidently falling down with some nasty cold.
"It's not that bad," Cristina tucked the blanket around her goddaughter. "And it will help you feel better."
Cristina felt uneasy withholding from Meredith the not so cheerful news about Bessie but decided it was for the best.
"Mommy will be with you very soon," she assured the now sleeping little girl. "She's talking to your daddy, you know? You need your daddy, even if it's McDreamy."
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"And…?" Derek looked at Meredith expectantly, his eyes twinkled in the subtle light of candles .
"Mmm, it tastes great," murmured truthfully Meredith after taking the first bite. Although, it was becoming harder and harder to enjoy the meal with her stomach tied up in knots with a mixture of fear, anticipation and hope. The scripts of what and how to say were running through her brain but she was sure that she'd mess up every one of them when it came the time. She silently sipped the champagne hoping it help her reassemble her courage, alcohol was always her ally. She made a mental note to watch it, though, as she had cut down severely on any kind of liquor in the recent years. She didn't touch alcohol all through her pregnancy and the period she was breastfeeding; later she had an occasional drink with her friends. She just wasn't the tequila whore anymore and she had no regrets.
"You've gone quiet," remarked Derek concernedly.
"I'm sorry," her breath hitched in her throat. "Derek-"
"Let me say it first," he cut her across. "Remember what I told you in the elevator when you just got back? I meant it, I meant every word. After you left I realized that… I might never see you again and… God, it was torture… Please, let me finish," he stopped her attempts at interrupting. "Every day, I regretted letting you go, not fighting for you like I should have… failing you… I know I screwed it up-"
"Derek," Meredith finally break into his guilt trip. "It takes two to tango and I… I was immature and inconsiderate of what you were feeling. I couldn't give you what you needed and… I didn't even tried that much. I know I hurt you too…"
Derek reached out for her hand and laced his fingers with his.
"And then you hurt me," she continued quietly. "It was… like you didn't care at all… and you kissed the nurse and… I was furious and scared beyond my wits, I guess… That's… partly why I got the hell out of here…"
"But you're here now," he whispered refilling their flutes. "Let's… give it another go."
Meredith's grip on his hand tightened while her heart rate quickened once again, "I… I'd like another go… I'd like that very much… but-"
Derek surprised her by suddenly standing up and turning on the radio on a random station. "Dance with me?"
"What?" she blurted out. Why couldn't he just sit on his ass and listen to what she had to say?
"Dance with me," he repeated holding out his hands towards her.
"I… you don't dance," she stammered.
"The occasion's calling for it, screaming actually," he joked suggestively.
"Derek, the… the talk… we need to finish the talk," she groaned despite the small smile forming on her lips.
"We'll do the talking, just one dance," he pleaded.
"You want to dance," stated Meredith with a voice indicating the will to talk some sense into him. "In your trailer… to some cheesy song…" she picked up the fast rhythm of the music coming from the radio.
He shrugged his shoulders and simply looked at her, "Don't let me hanging…"
She drowned into his eyes; his eyes that were also Bessie's eyes. The bluish orbs she was unable to deny anything to. She swallowed her drink in one gulp and took his offered hand.
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Ding-dong
Cristina cursed under her breath as the doorbell rang loudly across the silent confines of the house. What now? Who calls at this time?
She dragged herself off the feet of Bessie's bed and hastened to the door to prevent any dumbass from waking her up. She opened the front to find the clearly unexpected guests.
"Cristina," greeted her Izzie with a note of impatience. "Why am I not surprised to see you here?"
"Barbie, Bambi," Cristina's looked over George standing a little behind Izzie. "What are you doing here?" She really didn't have the time and energy to deal with the little tantrum they were about to throw.
"Where's Mer?" Izzie answered the question with one of her own. Her eyes swept over the entrance distractedly.
"What do you want from her?"
"Hello!" Izzie narrowed her eyes. "We're her friends, remember? Even if you're still her super cool I-share-all-my-secrets-with person, we're her friends!"
"We're worried about her," explained George calmly. "Ever since she got back, she's been less and less like herself."
"Sometimes, she's the old Meredith and sometimes she's like a complete stranger," took up Izzie. "She hardly ever hangs out with us or talks about anything beyond hospital stuff. We never see her outside Grace!"
"What's wrong with her, Cristina?" asked quietly George. "Does she have any problems?"
"And where the hell is she? Is she in?"
"She's not in," groaned Cristina. "What, has the hospital gossip column gone out of print? She went out with McDreamy. It's surely the news number one by now."
"What?" breathed out Izzie. "How…? They've made up, haven't they?"
Cristina just shrugged her shoulders, "Talk with Mer if you want the juicy details."
"Wait, wait!" exclaimed Izzie. "If Mer's with Derek, what are you doing at her place? You're moving in with her?"
"Just camping out. George's ex-wifey gets under my skin with her amazing friendship with Hahn. I don't need the wicked witch to haunt me both at the hospital and in my flat," Cristina quickly recited her excuse and backed inside the house. "Now excuse me, I want to go on with my relaxing solitary evening."
"Cristina!" yelled George after her.
"Look," she sighed and dropped her cynical act. "It's not for me to tell you, it's for Mer."
"Ok," agreed George. "Just tell us if we can help. Is she all right?"
"She's fine, she's good." For now, she added in her thoughts. "Just don't snoop around." She left Izzie and George on the doorstep without further ado and disappeared into the house locking the door securely. They looked at each other shaking their heads and turned towards their car. Izzie stopped abruptly making George stumble into her.
"George," she said slowly. "Did you… did you see…?"
"Did I see what?" asked George looking around.
"Not here! In the house, beside the door! I could swear I saw… a stroller…"
George let out a short laugh, "What would Meredith need a stroller for?"
Izzie looked at him with her eyebrows raised meaningfully while his mouth went agape.
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You're
hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then
you're out
You're up then you're down
Meredith laughed madly at their awkward attempts to do some dancing in the limited space of the trailer.
You,
you don't really want to stay, no
But you, you don't really want
to go
Not that she was a brilliant dancer but Derek seemed to have two left feet. She didn't mind, though. They were fooling around and touching and she felt hot; the champagne was probably going to her head, and not only to hers.
Someone
call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller
coaster
Can't get off this ride
Derek spun her round and she nearly missed knocking the remnants of their dinner to the floor.
You're
wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we
break up
We kiss, we make up
He pulled her back crashing her against his chest, his arms sneaking immediately around her waist. Their faces were flushed and their breathing was uneven. Derek's lips descended on hers and their tongues mashed in a fierce kiss.
Everything around them ceased to exist as their hands roved hungrily over each other's bodies. Meredith couldn't help releasing a moan feeling Derek's stubbly jaw on her neck followed by the softer texture of his lips.
The uncontrollable sounds she was producing only intensified his desire for her as he reached to unbutton her shirt with his slightly trembling hands and directed her gently towards the bed. He shed her jeans just before they plopped on the cool sheets.
"You… too many… clothes," grunted Meredith tugging at the buttons of his shirt. He raised himself to pull off the offending garment reaping some of the buttons in the process and lunged at her with impatience.
They rolled on the bed in a tangled mess of limbs. Meredith lost herself in the sensation of his passionate caresses and kisses as well as his arousal pressing against her hip; her senses both acute and numb at the same time. His hand insinuated itself between her back and the mattress to unclasp her bra freeing her breasts. He buried his head between them with a low moan as his hands teased mercilessly her soft mounds.
Meredith's mind went delightfully blank at Derek's sensuous ministrations, feeling wet lust building up between her legs. Due more to an instinct than a coherent thought she trailed her outstretched palms down his bare back reaching to unbuckle his trousers. He kicked it off his legs along with his boxers, finally releasing his aching erection. The only barrier between them was the thin fabric of her panties.
"Meredith," he managed to whisper through his ragged breaths as if asking for permission.
"Derek," she moaned grinding her hips towards his.
That was all the incentive he needed. He slipped off the remaining part of her underwear and thrust deep inside her eliciting a scream from her throat. It was heaven on earth for both them and nothing else mattered than reaching the ultimate satisfaction. Meredith raised her hips to meet his pushes gaining in pace and intensity. Soon, he drove her over the edge and she cried out her release, quickly followed by the one of his own.
They lay in a crumpled blissful heap basking in the afterglow of their reunion. Derek rolled slowly onto his back cradling Meredith securely against his chest. A muffled but cheerful "wow" escaped his lips.
"Wow," Meredith giggled into his skin. She felt sated and safe beyond belief, protected by his strong arms. She waited several minutes for their breathing to spiral down and started to speak.
"Derek," she mumbled. "The night… has been really great… wonderful. And I don't mean sex… or… I do because it was… huh… mind-blowing. I mean that I didn't mean sex only… Crap, I'm rambling again," she took a calming breath grazing the trail of his chest hair absentmindedly.
"I told you that I had been furious and scared… and I had run for it," she whispered pressing herself closer to Derek's warm body. "That's not everything. I…" she closed her eyes tightly as though expecting a blow on the head.
"I… was… pregnant… I was pregnant with… with our child… I am so sorry to be telling you this late! I left… because I was blind… with rage, with jealousy… with rejection… I… My point is that we have a child… we have a daughter… an amazing little girl… who needs you and I need you, too… We both need you." She trailed off waiting anxiously for his reaction, her eyelids squeezed shut.
"Derek?" she probed gingerly through the silence on his part but the response never came. She opened her eyes and cocked his head to look at him. Her heart dropped to the floor. His eyes were closed, his breaths deep and steady, the expression of contentment lazing on his features… he was asleep.
Meredith slapped her forehead desperately and pulled at his shoulders, "No, no, no!" she hissed. "Wake up, wake up! Don't do this to me!"
His head turned to the other side and he let out a little groan but remained otherwise unmoved. Meredith's face sank into his chest dejectedly.
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During the rest of the night, Meredith barely closed an eye. She was exhausted after the whole day of work and the later lovemaking but the sleep escaped her. She told Derek, she actually told him and… he was asleep. Now, she had to do it again, this time, in the broad daylight and without the anesthetic in the form of porny haze.
The avoider that still lurked inside her soul made a case for running. It would be so easy to slip out from his embrace, pick up the scattered clothing and run not looking back. But she knew she couldn't do it. She couldn't let herself be a selfish coward. She was a mother, she had responsibilities; and she promised Derek she hadn't been into sex and mockery anymore. Besides, it felt good, so incredibly good to be surrounded by him. She had travelled the world far and wide and she'd never felt so in place anywhere else. Turning away from it wasn't an option.
Not long after the darkness started to disperse, Meredith's phone rang from her bag. She quickly scampered out of the bed wincing at the unpleasant chill on her naked body.
"Yes?" she whispered into the receiver glancing at Derek. He was still sound asleep, his body didn't even twitch.
Meredith frowned deeply as she heard Cristina's preoccupied voice. Cold fear pierced her heart as she heard her next words.
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A.N. That was mean of me, I know! But I can promise you that he actually learns in the next chapter… Yeah, the time has come.
It turned out to be the longest chapter ever, tell me what you think about it!
Cheers,
Em
