A.N. Hi, thanks so much for your reviews, it's such a great encouragement! I firstly intended to post this update yesterday but most of us are still in the happy proposal bubble (Yay!) and the chapter includes some pretty major drama… I hope you'll like it, though. So as not to prolong it unnecessarily, enjoy!
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Cristina watched from a safe distance the scene unfolding in the hospital corridor with the intention to turn away everyone who might potentially interrupt it. Judging by Meredith's uncoordinated gestures, she was on the verge of nervous breakdown. She faced a dead end. There was no backing away, no other way than the truth. The only hope was in Shepherd's willingness to listen and understand, which, knowing him, was doubtful. McDreamy could be an impulsive jerk, not that she would blame him much this time. In the current situation, Cristina was ready to grant him the right to some bitching.
She lurked around the corner and frowned seeing him letting go of Meredith's arms, the eager expression on his face replaced by disbelief.
"Yang, what are you doing?"
Shit! Cursed Cristina in her thoughts as she turned back to see Alex, Izzie and George moving towards her.
"Uh, nothing," she shrugged off, "taking a break."
"You've been acting really weird today, Cristina," said George. "But we've heard why. We would've helped if you'd told us."
"Yeah, and we would've forgiven you for treating us like shit a little bit sooner," cut in Izzie. "Anyway, Mer's with her daughter, isn't she?"
"Why do you care?" snapped Cristina, making a few steps to block their way.
"Take it easy," said Alex. "We just want to make sure she's fine."
"She is fine," assured Cristina. "You can take my word on that."
"We want to see her," insisted Izzie. "We're not going to intrude, Cristina, just pop in for a couple of seconds to say she can count on us. You're not her only friend."
"You can do that later," hissed Cristina as Izzie stepped around her, followed by Alex and George.
"Stop acting like…" trailed off Izzie as her eyes rested on Meredith and Derek. "Oh my God…"
"What's going on here?" They had the Chief's stern voice. "It's not a playground and you're not children," he reprimanded as he reached them, Bailey at his side.
"Oh my God…" she sighed as she came to a halt.
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Derek whispered harshly, "Is this your idea of a joke?"
Meredith shook her head, trembling slightly at the cold note in his voice. "It's… no joke… It's true… It's… Bessie's your daughter."
He stared at her blankly, all the color draining from his face.
"Don't… don't play with me, Meredith," he breathed out.
"Derek…" she reached a hand towards him but he flinched away, avoiding her touch.
He blinked several times as the corners of his eyes started prickling uncomfortably.
"I'll ask you a question," he said as his voice cracked with hardly controlled emotion, "and think carefully about your answer."
Meredith felt overwhelming coldness conquering her body. She knew him well enough to tell that his angry breakdown was just a matter of time.
"Look me in the eye," he ordered, "and tell me, were you pregnant while leaving Seattle? Were you pregnant with my child?"
"I… Yes…" she whispered with a tear-strained voice.
"Oh my God, oh my God!" Derek hid his face in his hands and when he finally brought them back to his hips he was choking back his own tears.
"I can't believe this… I just can't believe this…" he muttered. "How could you?" he bellowed finally as pure rage won the battle of emotions in his heart.
"You… you were carrying my child but you left without a word for two and a half years! You came back… and you still didn't say a word! Why would you do that? Why in God's name would you do that?"
"I… I…" she stuttered, not able to formulate a coherent sentence as Derek's words were ringing in her ears.
"Oh God," he raked his hair furiously. "I would never think you were capable of such cruelty!"
"Derek, please!" she reached for him almost blindly, the tears clouding her vision.
"Don't touch me!" he roared. "Don't you ever touch me! We're done! I don't want to work with you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you! We're done!"
Derek couldn't bear to look at her. He felt vulnerable and helpless and only anger could keep him straight. He wanted to shut Meredith out of his mind and at this moment it proved less difficult than he would suspect, the sudden knowledge that he was a father was all-pervading. There was a tiny being with golden locks that was his daughter. He needed to see her, he wanted to see her so much it was almost painful.
He left Meredith without another look in her direction but Richard appeared in his way just before his daughter's room like out of thin air, or it might have been that Derek was strangely oblivious to his surroundings and the people walking past him.
"Derek," said Richard warily.
"Chief, I don't have time," Derek tried to brush him off.
"Derek, where do you think you're going?" asked Richard firmly.
"I… I need to," he stammered confusedly, at a complete loss for words. How could he possibly explain? "I need to go… She's my… Oh God…" he wasn't able to put his thoughts into words.
"She's your daughter, I know," stated Richard. "I think there may be some people left on the other hemisphere that don't after you yelled it!"
"Look… I… don't… I need to go…"
"You won't go anywhere," Webber shook his head.
"Richard, get out of my way," snapped Derek. "I'm going to see my daughter."
"You won't go anywhere," repeated Richard categorically.
"If you heard what I yelled you must also know that I wasn't aware of her existence until now. I finally have a right to see her!"
"No one's denying you that right, Derek," the older man explained patiently.
"Then get out of my way," he hissed barely containing his anger. "I'm her father!"
"Then act like a father!" growled Richard.
"What would you know about that?" snarled Derek callously.
"No less than you!" pointed out Richard. His comment was like a slap to Derek's face. "The little girl that's your daughter underwent a surgery a few hours ago. She needs her rest, not an angry man she doesn't know, not an angry man who's just declared he doesn't want to do anything with her mother."
"I just want to see her," whispered Derek with defeat.
"And you will," assured him Richard, "when you've calmed yourself down, when she feels better and when Meredith allows it."
Derek's heart filled with ice. His shaken brain briefly considered punching Richard square in his face and entering his daughter's room.
"Don't even think about doing anything stupid," warned Richard. "I'm serious! I won't hesitate to call security if I have to. Derek, go home, take a shower, get a good night's sleep. It will all work out."
Derek snorted. Good night's sleep? How could he rest his head knowing he had a child he hadn't ever met? He gave up his case, though, as he inwardly admitted the right of Richard's arguments. His storming into the room would do more harm than good for his daughter, Bessie, as Meredith called her… Elizabeth. He cast the last longing look at the door and walked off with his shoulders hunched down.
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Meredith's senses were numbed as though she was under the influence of drugs. Derek walked away from her with apparent disgust; she didn't hear anything, she didn't see anything. In return, her lachrymal glands worked on overdrive and her knees shook slightly. In all likelihood, she would collapse to the floor if two pairs of strong hands didn't catch her on both her sides. They were taking her somewhere and she didn't know where. It was all blurry and hazy until some force bent her spine and she felt shockingly cold water on her face. She started to breath desperately as though she had just been pulled from underwater.
"Meredith," Izzie's soft voice resonated like from a distance. More cold water on her face. "Meredith, you're all right. Don't think about anything, just breathe."
Meredith grabbed the sides of the sink as she spiraled down to reality.
"Oh, Meredith," Izzie slowly rubbed her back.
Her legs refused to hold her weight any longer and she kneeled on the tiled floor. She was in the restroom. The door suddenly squeaked open.
"Sorry, it's occupied," she heard Cristina's authoritative voice.
"All six cubicles?" asked Nurse Debbie sarcastically. The vulture came to finish off what was left of the prey.
"Don't you understand English?" gritted Cristina through her teeth. "Or do I have to express it to you manually?"
"I'm going, I'm going!" barked Debbie. She reached her goal, her curiosity was sated; she got an eyeful of Dr. Grey crumpled on the floor.
"What a bitch!" exclaimed Izzie indignantly while Cristina relapsed into silence. "She has no shame whatsoever!"
"Whatever," said Meredith. "I dug the grave with my own hands… It's all my fault, I know. Cristina does too. Just say so, Cristina. I know you want to, just say it's my fault."
"It is your fault," said Cristina expressionlessly.
"Cristina!" shrieked Izzie.
"She asked!" she shrugged off her shoulders.
"Everything will be fine, Mer," Izzie pretended that Cristina didn't exist. "Derek will come around."
"Come around? From what? He hates me! He doesn't want anything to do with me or Bessie."
"Actually, it's only you he despises," clarified Cristina. "He wants Bess. Webber had to threatened him so he didn't barge into her room."
Meredith rubbed her cheeks absentmindedly. It was one of the worst days of her life but the tightened pain in her chest lessened. She was prepared to endure his hatred as long as he wanted to be Bessie's father, it was all that mattered.
"He doesn't despise you," disagreed Izzie. "He's… hurting… a lot and he's angry. But… Meredith, Derek cares about you! He didn't really mean what he said to you!"
"Yes, he did," whispered Meredith.
"I have to agree with Izzie on that," sighed Cristina. "Shepherd just suffered from an attack of temporary insanity. If he had made use of any logic he wouldn't have shouted he didn't want to know you. You're the mother of his child, for Christ's sake!
"I know you're freaking out and feeling all McGuilty," she went on, "but you can't let him stomp all over you, especially not in front of Bessie."
"That's… that's really happening, isn't it?" breathed put Meredith. "Bessie will have two parents, not just me anymore," she realized as she shivered at thought of inevitable changes that were going to take place in their lives.
"It's really happening," Izzie gave her an encouraging smile. "You'll be a family, a real family, you, Bessie and Derek."
Cristina crossed her arms on her chest. She was positive it wasn't going to be that smooth and easy.
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Derek didn't return to his trailer as Richard told him to. His head was full, fuller than ever before in his life while his heart filled with conflicting emotions. He couldn't leave the hospital knowing his daughter was here. Instead, he slipped into the nearest on-call room and lied down heavily on the bed, exhaustion overtaking his body. No surgery could tire him out like Meredith Grey, both physically and mentally.
She was like a slow acting poison. Since he drank her all those years ago at Joe's, she'd been flowing in his veins, making it impossible for him to lead a normal life. They were on and off, again and again, and then she left and then he spent two and a half years blaming himself for ruining the best thing that ever happened to him.
Derek felt humiliated. Meredith knew how much he wanted those things with her and she singlehandedly decided not to give them to him. It hurt like hell. That's why Meredith's tears stirred up a kind of vengeful satisfaction. At the same time, they were breaking him all over again. After all, she wasn't a poison, she was a virus that infected his organism and deteriorated its defence mechanisms.
He needed to push her out of his brain again and concentrate on his daughter. He strained his memory to analyse every detail of the frame frozen in his mind but the only thing he would see was the blond curly hair, a lot of it. it took his breath away and sent a wave of deep longing through his soul. How was it possible to feel so much for somebody he never properly lay his eyes on? It was incredible; the phrase "his daughter" was incredible. He wanted to know more. It was going to be a long night filled with fighting with his impatience.
All of a sudden, the door to the on-call room creaked open, letting a beam of light from the brightly lit corridor. Damn, he forgot to close it. With all that was going in his head, he didn't even think of closing it. the person who opened the door hesitated for a brief moment before entering the room. He could just lie still pretending to be sleep.
"Derek?" Apparently not.
"What?" he snapped.
"I think I preferred you in the cocky, overly-moussed-hair-McDreamy mode," complained Bailey shutting the door and switching on the lights.
"Turn it off," he groaned shielding his eyes from the sudden brightness.
"Shut up," silenced him Bailey. "I came to give you an update on your daughter." She probably shouldn't do it without Meredith's knowledge but she took pity on him. No one was going to give him anything to hold on to and he shouldn't be left hanging.
"What?" Derek sat up straight, hitting his forehead against the bunk bed. "Shit, what.. what's wrong?"
His heart started to beat wildly, overcome with anxiety. How could he have not taken the condition of his daughter more seriously?
"Relax, she's good," she calmed him down. "Sit back down. I just came to inform a father of his daughter's health. I don't think anyone did it."
"Show me," Derek reached out for the chart Bailey held in her hands.
"And what else, Shepherd?" she snorted keeping it away. "I'm repeating you for the last time that I came to talk with the father of my patient, not another doctor."
"Now, listen, Mr. Shepherd," said Bailey gently opening the chart. "What do we have here… Elizabeth Charisma Grey…"
"Charisma?" echoed Derek. Grey… Of course, she didn't give her his surname. She made his daughter a half orphan.
"The complaints don't go to me," shrugged Bailey. "I'm just reading."
"It's… beautiful," whispered Derek.
"Of course," Bailey rolled her eyes knowingly. "Twenty-six months-old, born on 15th of August 2006… in Tokyo…" Miranda raised her eyebrows.
"Where?" frowned Derek.
"Tokyo, capital of Jap-"
"I know where Tokyo is," Derek cut her across. "It's just… my daughter was born in Japan…"
"You know the workings of the program. Meredith was abroad for most-"
"Don't say her name in front of me!"
"Derek Shepherd, stop behaving like an ass," growled Miranda. "She's her mother-"
"Yeah, just… keep going."
"I don't know why I put up with you," she narrowed her eyes at him. "As I was saying… born in Tokyo… twenty days before the due term…"
"A preemie?" his insides gave an unpleasant jolt.
"No resulting health problems," she hurried with explanation. "She was ready to come earlier, she didn't even need help with breathing."
"Oh, ok…" Derek slowly processed the information.
"Apart from that damn appie, she's a healthy baby."
"And the appendectomy?" asked Derek.
"The procedure ran smoothly, no complications. Right now, she's on pain medication but she's going to be running around in no time. I operated on her."
"The exact same thing Yang told me."
"She's Bessie's godmother, did you know?"
"Cristina? Cristina Yang is my daughter's godmother?" asked Derek incredulously. "Well, that just shows Meredith's competences as a mother."
"She's doing a great job with her, Derek!" Bailey firmly defended Meredith.
"Let's not talk about her. Tell me something more about my daughter."
Miranda sighed, "You won't always be able not to talk about her, or rather with her."
"I know," admitted Derek reluctantly. "I just… I can't believe she did that… it's… Tell me something more about my daughter, please."
"It's not my job to tell you more," she replied. "You know whom you should ask."
"Please, just one more thing, anything. How does she look like?"
Bailey smirked, "Fine, she's a little cutie. I'm considering an arranged marriage to Tuck."
"What?" stammered out Derek, frowning his forehead.
"Already protective of the daddy's girl, huh?" she giggled.
Derek rolled his eyes but asked her seriously, "Does it… ever go away?"
"What?"
"Worrying…" he whispered.
"No," answered softly Bailey. "I know it's probably no use telling you to go home but at least, tidy yourself up before you go to see her or you'll scare the kid."
"If Meredith allows me…" muttered Derek bitterly.
"Men are so stupid! Why do you think she stayed in Seattle?"
"How should I know? It's not like she tells me important things in her life."
"You're impossible!" Bailey lost her patience. "I hope that girl inherited Grey's brain or I swear…"
She walked out of the room muttering under her breath and leaving Derek alone with his very confused thoughts.
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Meredith sprawled tiredly on the chair beside Bessie's bed. It was long past visiting hours but somehow she managed to talk Bailey into letting her camp down for just one night. Half-lying in the darkness and listening to Bessie's peaceful breathing proved so soothing to her nerves after Derek's angry outburst, Izzie's hopeful assurances and Cristina's depressive groaning. She knew she was ungrateful feeling relief at being left alone. Her friends just were there for her. She needed different advice, though. Meredith realized with bewilderment how much she missed her long conversations with Stacy which she initially hated so much.
She probably should call her, Stacy would like to know Bessie got sick and her life turned upside down… Meredith took out her cell phone and slipped outside not to disturb her daughter's slumber. She chose the contact and waited impatiently for the connection.
"Meredith! Finally, we've been wondering when you'd call us to boast about the trial!" she heard Stacy's enthusiastic voice.
"You know already? I had the surgery yesterday," said Meredith quietly.
"James has his contacts in the board," chuckled Stacy.
"Oh, right, yeah."
"That's not why you're calling," stated Stacy noticing Meredith's subdued mood.
"Uh, no… I… wanted to hear… a voice of reason…"
"A voice of…? Meredith, child, what's wrong?"
"Pretty much everything," sighed Meredith.
"It's Bessie, isn't it? Nothing else would get you in a state like this. What's up with Cherry-pie?"
Meredith giggled, "I've forgotten how you all used to call her that!"
"Used to? We still do, we just parted a couple of weeks ago," reminded Stacy.
"It feels like another lifetime…"
"Is my granddaughter fine? I'm starting to get seriously worried!"
"She's going to be, she had appendectomy this afternoon."
"Oh, sweetie. I can only imagine what you must be going through, dealing with this all alone," Stacy sounded worried.
"I'm not alone, I have friends and…" And that was it, she had Derek only yesterday, today he hated her.
"And?" Stacy knew Meredith was holding something back.
"And I told him," Meredith inhaled deeply. "Derek… Dr. Shepherd you know the perfect hair man… you remember…"
"In short, Bessie's father," interrupted Stacy. "Of course, I remember, I took a good look at your McDreamy. When did you tell him? How did he take the news?"
"Today… I… not so good… He… he absolutely hates me," Meredith's voice shook dangerously. "We sort of… got back together and I… I screwed it all up."
"Meredith, you know what they say about the thin line between love and hate? It's not true, trust me on this one," said calmly Stacy. "You just have to give him time."
"I guess I have to," nodded Meredith.
"Listen," Stacy began hesitantly. "Last time we talked you told me… that your stepmother… keeps calling you, inviting you over…"
"So?" Meredith asked suspiciously.
"Maybe it would be a good idea to give it a try. I would certainly be more at ease knowing there's a surrogate me that you can rely on."
"Surrogate you?" chuckled Meredith.
"Well, I'm irreplaceable!" joked Stacy. "I really want you to have someone stable in Seattle until I can come over. That was the aim of James's little plot, remember?"
"Until you come over? Why would you come over? I'm fine, Bessie's going to be fine. You're in London, you've got a job to do," rambled Meredith.
"It's not the same without you and Cherry," said simply Stacy. "You know I went to the daycare a couple of days ago, just by the force of habit. I don't know if I'll be able to get away as soon as I'd like to but you can certainly expect me and James over Thanksgiving."
"Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me," whispered Meredith.
"Oh, I think I do, give Bess my love and think about what I said."
Meredith shut her phone and hurried back to the room to resume her seat near Bessie. The quick conversation with Stacy had an amazing calming effect on her, it always did and Meredith always wondered why. She made herself as comfortable as possible in the hard hospital chair as her eyes snapped shut. It was several hours later and both Grey girls were sleeping soundly when someone sneaked stealthily into the dark room.
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A.N. So, Derek feels hurt and he's behaving not very McDreamy-like right now but I can promise you it will all be fixed. I'm an obsessive MerDer fan so don't worry. They can't be all roses from the start, they need to learn to trust each other, plus they need to forgive each other. R&R, please!
