A/N: I make no profit off of this. All characters, except I think Tagamaura, belong to Mr. Wolf.

Chapter 5

As the lyrics floated around me, I felt all the tension that had flooded my body as soon as I heard El's voice begin to drain away. As I set about making dinner, I couldn't help thinking about how different I had become from the over-eager ADA I had once been.

"Who is this new Alex Cabot, hmm? She's not the overzealous prosecutor everyone at the 1-6 met six years ago, although she does possess some of that dedication still. She's not the scared little woman known as Emily that she became in Wisconsin. She has some timidity in her, but that's to be expected considering everything she's been through. But she also has more strength and audacity in her than the woman who died that night six years ago." I mused aloud before looking at my favorite photo of Liv and myself.

Ironically it had been taken at a party right before the Zapata/Velez case started. Liv had just told this off color joke about two blonde ADAs that had everyone cracking up, especially myself, since it reminded me of Serena and myself when we were first starting out as lawyers. In the photo, we're sitting next to one another and you can see the laughter sparkling in our eyes. Looking at the photo I quietly say,

"I guess we'll have to see who she is and hope that she is just as worthy of being your best friend and fellow angel of SVU, won't we?"

After finishing dinner, I set about making sure I had everything I needed for my cases tomorrow. Once I was certain I had all my arguments ready, I got into bed and picked up the latest novel I was reading.

Falling asleep halfway through the third chapter, I woke up three hours later from my usual night terror of the night I was shot. Only this time instead of it being Connors pulling the trigger and me actually dying, this time it was Dani in Connors' place and Liv and my rolls were reversed. I wasn't the one being shot, instead I was the one trying to staunch the blood flow fro the wound.

"Nooooo! Don't leave me Livy! It's ok Liv it's ok! Noooo!" The screams died on my lips as I bolted awake, tears streaming down my face. 'This was why I wanted to hold off on seeing them!'

Taking a deep breath, I tried to relax. Quickly realizing it wasn't working, I took out the journal I had started while in Witsec and started writing.

Brand new morning, start of a whole new day.

Filled with new trials, new triumphs, new promises.

Reminders of yesterday's problems, still seem so big, so grand

Makes me wonder what's the plan?

Always moving, all new stories…which one's me, who'm I to be this time?

A timid secretary, or a hotshot lawyer?

Do I have lots of friends or am I a loner?

Still running from the past, not yet accepting who I've become

No resemblance to who or where I've been!

Just once I want to be someone I'm proud to say that's me!

Thought I had it once, but realized too quickly 'twas yet another lie!

Can't help wondering, now that I'm back, am I me,

Or is this just another part I play? I just want to be me…

Not these shades of people, I just want to be me!

While being shuttled from place to place, I'd renewed my love of writing. I'd discovered I had a knack for it during college, but never actively pursued it. It was just a way of dealing with everything, still was if I was completely honest with myself. Ant it was the one thing the marshals could never take away from me.

After I finished writing, I fell into a dreamless sleep for the rest of the night. When I awoke the next morning it was to the perfect fall day in New York, one of the many things I had missed while away.

"Shame I have to spend all of it indoors." I said to myself with a sigh.

"Screw that! I'm going to find some way to spend at least my lunch break outside!" I said remembering my promise of finally figuring out who this new me was. So why not start by doing something I knew, no matter who I was, I always enjoyed. I always felt, and thought, better after spending time out doors.

"I'll just figure it out as I go along. The first thing I really need to do is do something I enjoy. And starting today that's what I'm doing!" 'And so what if I meet anyone else from my squad, it's bound to happen sooner or later.' I thought to myself as I left my apartment.