A/N Hey! Sorry I didn't make it before Easter, 3D life turned out too time-consuming :) Thank you for your reviews and asking for more. Thank you for sticking around for so long, I started this fic around Christmas and now we have Easter already. I hope you'll enjoy the chapter even though pissy Derek's still around.
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Meredith observed a frown expanding on Derek's forehead as he read the message on his pager. He got up reluctantly, sighing, "I need to go… patient."
"It's okay," she assured him. "You can come back later, anytime you want."
They just spent the most wonderful and the most emotional two hours. Meredith's heart swelled in her chest when Derek said he loved Bessie. She scolded herself for her previous fears of rejection. Derek was Derek after all. Of course, he wouldn't not love his child. Meredith wasn't even that much surprised with the speed of his affection. She fell in love with Bessie as soon as she learnt there was a bunch of cells growing in her womb. Derek would have, too, had she told him.
Bessie had him wrapped around her finger already. He was more and more enchanted with every move she made and every word she uttered. He was also incredibly insecure around her. That wasn't a novelty to Meredith either. The first days of her motherhood still stood out in her memory as one of the most trying times in her life.
Sometimes, it took all her determination, physical and mental force, and the immense love for her newborn daughter not to crumple on the floor and sob at her helplessness. She never froze, though. Single mothers, even surrounded by friends, couldn't allow themselves to freeze, ever. She strove to survive the sleepless nights, afraid not to hurt the tiny bundle in her arms trying to guess why she wouldn't stop crying.
It was worth it, though, every single moment was worth it; especially now, seeing how Bessie and Derek interacted with each other. Overcoming his initial shyness, he chatted her up and she babbled with equal enthusiasm. She made him a drawing which he reverently put in the pocket of his lab coat; then she drifted off to sleep while he was reading her a story for the very first time. He sat watching her with mesmerized eyes until his pager went off.
"Thank you," said Meredith walking him out. "Thank you for coming, you're great with her."
"Don't thank me," replied Derek coldly. It seemed that once out of Bessie's room, he turned into a king of coldness. "I didn't do it for you. I'm here for my daughter."
Meredith sighed, "Derek, can we please talk calmly?"
"I am calm," he assured her checking his watch. "I'm very calm. I'm not going to get angry; I'm not going to yell. Only when we're not around Bessie, I don't have to pretend."
"Pretend what?" frowned Meredith.
"That the world is a happy place and people don't carelessly hurt each other."
"Derek, I'm sorry! I didn't want to carelessly hurt you-"
"Was it deliberate then?" his eyes bored pitilessly into hers. "Because I'm pretty sure it was deliberate when you lied straight into my face to hide my daughter from me that day the babysitter or whoever it was brought her to see you." He bit his lip and shook his head slightly. "Do you have any idea how it feels? I saw her, I talked to her and I didn't have the faintest clue she was my child!"
He tried to regain control over his rising voice, "And you covered everything up like it was nothing, with a little help from your friend, Cristina Yang, the fairy godmother," he finished ironically.
"Don't hold it against her," pleaded Meredith, guessing that her person was going to be in deep trouble. "Cristina's been ushering me to tell you for ages. And I wanted to! I was just-"
"I've already told you I don't want to hear any apologies or explanations," he said dismissively. "I have to go now but I'll be back as soon as I'm free."
Meredith watched his retreating form uneasily. His words cut her flesh like sharpest blades but there wasn't even a trace of tears in her eyes. Her feisty spirit was back, stirred up from the depressing lethargy by the scene she took part in in Bessie's room. They could stay like that forever, together, happy… It could be their reality. Meredith felt it in the reach of her arms. She just had to lean further and embrace it. She was ready to fight for that vision. And for that she needed to brace herself with a massive amount of patience, for she wasn't going to shout back at Derek or retaliate with equal spite.
Mind you, she could easily reproach him the whole nurse story. She could shout him down for being a total ass towards her. However, she would do no such thing for he was a hurt ass. She damaged him herself. For now, she had to grin and bear it to slowly regain his trust. Derek was never capable of resisting her for long. Besides, she had now an ally at her side, the ally that Derek would go any lengths for.
"Uhm, Meredith?"
Her train of thought got detracted by the familiar voice calling her name. She turned and came face to face with a skittish looking Lexie.
"I'm really really sorry to be bothering you, like really sorry, because I'm probably the last, or almost the last, person you want to see right now," she ranted.
"Lexie," Meredith tried to cut in.
"It's ok," explained Lexie. "I understand, you might even yell at me. I won't flinch! Seriously, bring it on! You'll feel better."
"Obviously, I won't yell at you, Lexie," said Meredith in an amused voice. She even felt a kind of gratitude towards her half-sister for trying to improve her mood. "What's that?" she pointed at the gift bag in Lexie's hands. "Is it for Bessie?"
"Yeah, yeah. It's… nothing big," stammered Lexie. "Or it is, should be… I mean, I won't be affronted if you'd rather not take it but I really hope you will. Because it's the first gift for my first niece and I spent five hours at a shopping centre to find a perfect gift. Not that I'm complaining! It's just that I had absolutely no idea… or I guess I should just shut up… and maybe come some time later…"
"Lexie, it's fine," chuckled Meredith. Honestly, the two of them could stage a rambling competition some day. "You can leave the gift now, you know. Only, she's sleeping so we'll have to be quiet."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. Come on in," she beckoned her with her head.
"Wow, she's really cute, wow," giggled Lexie putting her present beside the bed. "And I'm her Auntie! I mean," she glanced nervously at Meredith, "I mean I can be if you want to. I'd like to. I … I know we're not that close, and I might be annoying and my mum keeps harassing you…" she trailed off.
"Actually… I've been thinking about… accepting the invitation… or something," admitted Meredith idly, sitting down in one of the chairs.
"You have?" asked Lexie enthusiastically. "Oh I'm sorry," she clasped hand over her mouth, lowering the volume of her voice. "You'd really come?"
"I… I don't know," Meredith shrugged her shoulders looking at her daughter. "I might, I don't want her to be a copy of me, afraid of having relationships with other people but… I don't know. It's not only about me and Bessie. What about Molly? She doesn't know who I am. And… Thatcher?"
"Don't worry about Molly," assured Lexie. "She'll be thrilled. You saved her baby, there's nothing that could make her dislike you. And dad, he is, I mean he can be, a great dad, a great granddad too. He was so excited when Molly and Eric announced they were going to have a baby."
"Well, he was excited about Molly's child," sighed Meredith. "Not Bessie. I don't want her to ever feel second best."
"Oh, sorry," Lexie cast her eyes down, guiltily.
"Don't be," Meredith shook her head. "There is nothing that's your fault, or Molly's."
"It's dad's," Lexie let out a sigh.
"Partly. It's not like there's a drawer full of unopened cards from him somewhere… but my mother wasn't a saint either. The blame goes to both parents."
"You should keep that in mind," said Lexie shrewdly.
Meredith looked at her quickly staying silent for a brief moment only to whisper, "Derek is nothing to be blamed for, he didn't know."
"He does now," reminded the younger woman. "And he better treats my niece and my sister nicely or I'll help Dr. Yang kick his ass."
Meredith giggled, "There are a lot of people after his ass…" she grinned. "No, actually, that sounded bad…"
"It… kinda did," nodded Lexie with a smirk.
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"The films are all clear, test results completely normal," declared Derek flipping through a chart in his hands. "I don't see why I shouldn't give you a clean bill of health by the end of the week, Ms. Lewis."
Jenny turned happily to her fiancé and grabbed his hand.
"You heard that, Luke?" she asked him. "I'll finally be able to go home!"
He wore a matching grin when he asked, "What about me, Dr. Shepherd? I was to be let go yesterday but Dr. Grey is on the leave…"
"Don't worry," reassured him Derek. "I've taken over her patients so as soon as I take a look at your results, I'll let you know."
"God, we can't wait to leave hospital," moaned Jenny. "Everyone is great here but we're all fresh and ready to relaunch ourselves into the wedding whirlwind."
"You say that now," chuckled Luke. "You'll sing a different tune when you'll look in the mirror and see a bald bride."
"It crossed my mind," admitted Jenny pensively. "The hair won't grow back enough to cover the scars. But! You'll be my bald groom," she looked at Luke affectionately. "And it sums up our union quite well, don't you think, Dr. Shepherd? Together through thick and thin."
"Hmmm," acknowledged Derek trying to fight the jealousy that was creeping up on him. Two days earlier, he was equally carefree, ecstatic, convinced he'd got a new lease of life…
"Dr. Shepherd," started Luke hesitantly, "We know you're a busy man and now that your daughter's at hospital, too- Ouch! What?" he exclaimed as Jenny slapped his forearm silencing him with her regard.
"You're so insensitive!" she scolded him. "I'm so sorry for him, Dr. Shepherd."
"That's fine," sighed Derek. "I see the hospital gossip mill makes no exceptions, even for patients."
"Sorry!" Jenny bit her lip. "But we're like one big family now. We know most of the nurses on this floor. They help us with some stuff for the wedding; they stop by to chat so… it was impossible not to hear it."
"Right," grunted Derek.
"Anyway, we just wanted to remind you that you're our best man," Luke cut across seeing that Jenny touched the doctor's nerve.
"About that…" began Derek seriously.
"Oh, no! You can't quit!" Jenny warned him ferociously. "You said yes, you can't back out now!"
"I'm not backing out," denied Derek slowly. "I only ask you to reconsider your choice. Me and Dr. Grey are not the wisest option."
"I happen to disagree!" stated Jenny boldly.
"Ms. Lewis-"
"It's Jenny. Derek, I'm going to call you by your name since you are our best man. So… Derek, for a brain surgeon, you can be pretty brainless sometimes."
"I beg you pardon," frowned Derek.
"You should be begging Dr. Grey," shot back his patient. "You know that saying about learning and mistakes? It clearly says about learning from others' mistakes, not learning the actual mistakes. But do men ever listen? No, they just let their mouths hang open in their cluelessness."
Derek closed his jaw and attempted to find an eloquent answer but his mind was blank.
"You made Dr. Grey a scene, Derek, in front of the whole hospital," argued Jenny hotly. "Pretty much like Luke but ten thousand times worse. At least, he was begging me, you were humiliating her!"
Luke gave Derek a sympathetic look and mouthed "Feminine solidarity!" behind Jenny's back, rolling his eyes. However, Derek couldn't help feeling ashamed. Jenny got him realize for the first time that he made his and Meredith's personal issues a public live performance.
"You know what someone told me, Derek?" continued Jenny. "That men are pathetic suckers. Well, women are too, but if you meet one looser that actually cares about you, you can't throw it away. Because it's a bit of a miracle for two people to be at the same place, at the same time, and deeply in love. It's something special."
"She loves you," she said softly. "It's so obvious, everyone sees it. You know, they don't place bets on whether you'll get back together or not. They place bets when you'll get back together."
"Don't bet on very soon, that's my advice," said Derek impassively. "I'll be back with your results shortly… Luke."
He left the room as if the ground was burning under his feet.
"This proves harder than I expected," Jenny sank back onto her pillow. "I haven't met a pair of more stubborn people."
"Relax" soothed her Luke. "You know what I've been thinking? We should follow their example."
"What? Pour out frustrations on each other?"
"No, silly, make a new life… or something," he finished lamely.
"Or something," Jenny grinned merrily.
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Derek leaned back on his desk as the door to his office opened to reveal a tired Meredith.
"Thanks for coming," said Derek quietly.
"Thanks for calling," answered Meredith.
"I owe you an apology," stated Derek out of the blue.
"Oh?" she studied his face carefully. He was apologizing but the way he was speaking seemed to indicate a lack of much sincerity or conviction.
"I was angry," he said simply. "I still am. But I should have never involved the whole hospital in our issues."
So, this was what it was all about, the audience and not her…
"Ok. That's all you've wanted to say?" asked Meredith and turned to leave.
"No, we have a daughter. We have some things to discuss."
She halted in her wake despite the business-like note in his voice that she didn't like.
"Bailey said she's have Bessie stay at Grace for about two weeks during which I'm planning to be around as often as I can."
Meredith nodded waiting with a beating heart wherever he was headed to.
"How are we going to do this after those two weeks?" he asked.
"Well, I'm taking her home, obviously. You can come to see her whenever you want to."
"How kind of you," said Derek sarcastically. "I want to be her father, Meredith, not a man she sees two hours a day or on weekends, even if it's enough for you."
"What?" Meredith breathed out in incomprehension.
"You're a surgeon, Meredith, you work on tight schedule. What do you do when you go to work? Dump her on a babysitter for the whole day?"
"What? I… I work reasonable hours," gritted out Meredith as her patience was hanging by a thread. It was certainly the most hurtful thing he said to her, ever. "I always put Bessie first, always have and always will. I negotiated my timetable with Richard to make it most convenient for her. I signed her up to the nursery down the street so I could go there whenever I was free. And now you know, I'll be taking her to daycare at Grace."
"She'll be here?"
"She'll be here," confirmed Meredith. "You'll be able to see her any time you want. The same goes for our house, you're always welcome there."
Derek seemed pensive and not entirely content.
"We'll make it work," said Meredith encouragingly. "I know what it's like to grow up without a father, don't want the same for my daughter."
"Fine. That's all I wanted to discuss for now."
Meredith didn't reply. What the hell was he thinking? One minute they were talking about their daughter, the other he was dissing her like a badass boss. If this was his way to convey the message their relationship would be limited to taking care of their daughter, he succeeded at getting it across perfectly with flying colors.
"Oh, there's one more thing," he reminded as she was passing the doorstep. "I want to legally recognize Bessie as my child."
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Meredith came to a stop in the middle of the overpass and stared out at line of the snow-covered mountainous peeks. Her hands resumed their nervous habit. Enduring Derek's mood swings was harder than she anticipated. He never realized how much his words affected her. When he was romancing her, they transformed her into a puddle of dazzled mush. When he was pissed off, she served as a punch bag. Unbeknownst to himself, he was the master of the careless hurting.
"Has McAss got off his high horse yet?" asked Cristina sarcastically.
Izzie joined Meredith on her other side, rolling her eyes at her friend. "What did Derek want?"
Meredith didn't answer chewing the words in her mouth.
"Oh what did he tell you?" Cristina knew well enough the crushed look on her person's face.
"Apparently, I'm a coldhearted bitch who leaves her child with strangers to pursue her amazing medical career."
"What?" choked Cristina.
"Derek said that?" Izzie gasped indignantly.
"Not in so many words," Meredith drew breath, "but that was the gist."
"He…" started Izzie cautiously.
"Don't say he didn't mean it," protested Meredith, holding up her hand. "He did. .word."
"Stop caring so much what he thinks," frowned Cristina.
"You know, maybe he's right," Meredith didn't pay attention to what their friends were saying. "It's ridiculous, right? Meredith Grey being a mother…"
"And it took him like… two hours to decide on that? 'Cause he's such an expert on parenthood," blustered Cristina.
"It's probably that obvious I'm a horrible mother," went on Meredith. "All it takes is a look."
"That's bullshit, Meredith," disagreed Izzie. "I have been around you and Bessie shorter than Derek and it's as clear as day to me that she couldn't wish for a better mommy. Your love for her, it shows in everything you do."
"Derek said he would recognize Bessie legally," Meredith took no notice of Cristina's and Izzie's arguments, her eyes gazing far ahead in a trance. "And I can't really refuse him that, can I? So, Bessie will be Elizabeth Charisma… Shepherd. I will be Grey but she won't be Grey anymore, she'll be Shepherd. People won't know I'm her mother because I'll be dark and twisty Grey and she'll be chatty Shepherd with perfect hair. And you know what comes next, don't you? Derek will demand joint custody, and of course, he'll get it because I'm a crappy mother. And we'll be arguing over every single thing in Bessie's life. She'll have a shitty childhood, she'll hate us! Or, what if Derek will want the full custody-"
She snapped to reality when Izzie brought a hand to her forehead, "I think you need to lie down, Mer."
"One night of wild sex, then another spent in a hospital chair are taking their toll on you," backed her up Cristina, "Go home tonight , Meredith. We'll watch over McAngel, you go home and rest. Otherwise, you'll drive crazy everyone around you, including yourself."
"Are you mad?" shrieked Meredith. "Derek thinks I don't give a crap about my child and you're sending me home? Seriously? I need to get back to Bess," she stated curtly.
"I think it's time we take matters into our hands," frowned Izzie.
"Damn right it is."
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Derek stepped aside to let one of the last passengers of the elevator get off. As he moved back to the centre, he caught a sideways glance at the back. Cristina Yang and Izzie Stevens each occupied a corner like silent sentinels. They were wearing matching scowls and their folded arms indicated they were on the defensive.
"Dr. Yang, Dr. Stevens," spoke Derek heavily. "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, Shepherd," snapped Cristina coming to stand beside him. "You can shut the hell up and listen."
"Yeah," nodded Izzie standing on his other side. "You do that!"
"Excuse me?" said Derek sharply. "This is how you address your superior? You can say goodbye to the OR, Yang-"
"You don't scare me," hissed Cristina. "And to answer your question, this is how I address an ass with double standards!"
Before Derek could say anything to that Izzie slapped his arm and scolded, "We told you to shut up and listen! You can use your "I'm-your-boss" line later!"
"You screwed my friend over," Cristina rounded on him. "You and your nurse drove her out of the city, out of the country even. And when she got back, you simply assumed you had a right to mess with her head, just like that! But when she screwed you over, it's unforgivable!"
"I don't feel like discussing my personal issues with residents-"
"Well, you should've thought about it before calling Meredith a bad mother! Izzie, give him that sentimental crap."
"Derek, you missed out on two years of your daughter's life. It sucks, we get it," Izzie reasoned patiently. "But Meredith is anything but a bad mother. She loves Bess more than life itself and deep down, you know that."
"She lives at an eight; her pain any given day, it's an eight," took up Cristina. "So you don't get to fill her head with your nonsense. Next time you pull something like that, I'll play soccer with your balls, or I'll just let Izzie make a mince pie."
Completely baffled, Derek gaped at her glaring face. For his luck, he was spared the doubtful pleasure of maintaining the conversation with two irascible females as the elevator reached its destination and Derek stumbled out passing Richard.
Seeing the Chief entering the limited space and taking the spot previously occupied by Derek Cristina and Izzie feigned expression of blissful innocence and returned to the back.
"So, Dr. Stevens, Dr. Yang," started the Chief. "You had a man-to-man talk with Shepherd?"
They exchanged frowned glances behind his back. "Erm, yes, sir," confirmed Cristina.
"Tried to talk some sense into him?" Richard swung idly on his heels.
"Yes, sir…" said Izzie.
"Told him what a wonderful mother Meredith is?"
Cristina shrugged her shoulders at Izzie, "Of course, Chief."
"Threatened with castration?"
"Might've touched upon it," Izzie's eyes went wide. "The subject, I mean…"
"Good," the door opened once again and the Chief marched out.
Cristina and Izzie faced each other looking smug, bringing together their closed fists.
"Auntie power," grinned Izzie.
Cristina furrowed her brows, "Whatever".
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A/N Just to answer some of your concerns, everything is definitely heading for a happy ending (not that I'm ending anytime soon).
Happy Easter!
Em
